


Best 4 Years of Your Life

by US1775



Series: The Pitch [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-07-24 00:54:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 124,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/US1775/pseuds/US1775
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>There's nothing you can say to me. No word in the dictionary can affect me. After the events that transpired that night. "Where every step I took in faith betrayed me." You can't possibly hurt me now.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. The Let Down

Another school year drags on with no word from any of her soccer friends. To say Tobin is depressed is a grave understatement. She missed the feeling of acceptance and belonging. Sports in school didn’t carry the same camaraderie and the girls she went to school with were only interested in playing sports so that guys could come watch them play. Oh the ridiculousness of 8th grade. Tobin still had her 2 best friends and of course guys never stopped chasing but for all intense and purposes, she felt alone.

And then there was Alex. Alex who constantly tormented her. Alex who was in her dreams both at night and during the day. Still a feeling that she struggled with. Still something she wasn’t even sure of. The longer she spent away from her the more she began to write it off as just another girl. Just some girl she was infatuated with that she could never have. It wasn’t real beyond that. Just infatuation. And then Christmas came around.

Christmas at Tobin’s grandmother’s house. Huge family in a small house. The teenagers always found the spare bedroom to hang out in and talk about their lives. Too cool to join the rest of the party after they had eaten. For Tobin, family meant everything. Her family was huge and every major holiday was a potluck. The kids always loved her mom’s casserole and waited for aunt Mel’s special cherry desert. They all had their specialties and everyone contributed but this year it was different. This year was the first year they were celebrating a major holiday without the patriarch of the family...Grandpa.

“Man, they are already talking shit under their breath out there. It’s so different now. How did this happen so quick?” Servando lamented as he picked at the threads on the comforter of the bed they sat on.

“Its grandpa. You know he kept us together. Who knows what’s gonna happen now.” Tobin sighed.

“Hey at least we’ll always have a good time in here. Us and the rest of the cousins.”

Oh Jill, always an angel, always sweet, always lighting the room up with her smile, always optimistic.

This got Tobin and Servando to grin.

“Hey, I almost forgot!” Servando exclaimed suddenly. He didn’t give any more explanation. Just got off the bed and walked over to the nightstand where the phone was. He dialed a number and then waited.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” Servando said.

Jill and Tobin went on with their conversation. Servando always called his aunts from grandma’s house during the holidays.

“So, you played soccer last summer huh? We missed you at camping.” Jill told Tobin with a smile.  
“Yea I know, I love camping but soccer was so fun and the team is great.” Tobin said with a whimsical smile as she remembered all her friends.

“Yea my Dad told me ya’ll won a championship in San Fran! Damn girl, gettin it done!” Jill and Tobin laughed together and then Servando was interrupting them.

“Hey Tobs, someone wants to talk to you.” Servando said handing the phone to Tobin with a small knowing smirk.

Tobin stood up thoroughly confused. She barely knew Servando’s aunts who were from his mother’s side of the family. Why would they want to talk to her?

“What the fuck Serv...this better not be a joke.” “Just shut up and answer.” Servando said laughing. “H Hello?”

“Hey Toby...you miss me?” Alexandra Fucking Morgan.

Tobin’s heart plummeted to her stomach at the sound of Alex’s sweet raspy voice on the other end of the line.

“Toby? You still there? Its Alex you dope!” Alex said giggling on the other end.

Tobin was able to come to her senses quick with a comeback. Something she had learned from Alex.

“PPPPfffttt, you’re lying. You sound too smart to be Alex. You’re an imposter. Prove it!” “Oh Toby you little shit! You know its me cuz no one’s voice is this sexy on the phone.” “Shut up Lex! Get off your high horse!” Tobin said laughing.  
“I miss you Toby. I really miss you and your stupid face!”

“Hey Hey don’t be an asshole its Christmas, you’re supposed to be nice to me.”

“But I am being nice!”

“Well, Merry Christmas Alex...” Tobin suddenly ached to look into the electric blue eyes that she missed so much just to see her reaction to every word she said. Watch her light up with excitement and flash a gorgeous smile that would make Tobin weak in the knees. She wanted to feel Alex in her arms and the feeling was so overwhelming she stuttered her next words.

“I-I miss you too Lex.” Tobin almost whispered into the phone praying that Alex would feel how much she truly wanted to be with her right then.

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line.

“You have no idea Toby...you really have no idea. I just wanted to hear your voice and I don’t want to keep you long. I know you’re with your family but I hope you have a great Christmas. Oh hey, tell Serv to give you my number and call me ok? Maybe we can watch a movie sometime or something.”

Tobin was confused because in the beginning of Alex’s sentence she clearly heard a smile but as she went further into her statement, her tone was full of sadness.

“Yea sure...hey you ok Lex? Everything ok over there?”

“Sure Toby, I’m fine. I’m always fine. Call me ok? Merry Christmas.” And just like that, there was silence and then a dial tone.

Tobin had mixed emotions but she didn’t hesitate to get Alex’s number from Servando before she left that day. Servando was acting strange well at least not the way Tobin expected him to act. He seemed willing almost over eager when it came to giving Tobin Alex’s number.

“Here’s the number Tobs and wait a while before you use it. It will mess with her head. You don’t want to seem too eager with someone like Alex.”

This was sounding an awful lot like relationship advice. Relationship advice from her cousin that was in love with her best friend....how does that work?

Tobin, never being one to question a miracle just took his advice along with the piece of paper and tried to act like she really didn’t want to jump on the bed in excitement like the three of them used to do when they were 5 and they had just opened their Christmas presents.

*************************************************

Tobin hated being on the phone. She was always the type of kid that never stayed put for too long and never understood why her friends wanted to talk to her on the phone after she had just seen them at school.

But the week she waited to call Alex was so slow and torturous that she had to force herself to stay away from the phone. Agonizing minutes, hours and days passed until she finally sat down with the phone in her hand and the paper with Alex’s number on it.

Seven numbers. Seven numbers that were suddenly taunting, teasing, daring her to punch them into the phone. All that waiting and the time had arrived and Tobin could not move.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Just do it. Just dial it. She told you to. She wants you to call her. Just do it.)

8....4...4.... “Fuck...fuck...”  
End button.  
“Fuck, let’s try this again.” 844...31..0...0

First ring...

“Just breathe Tobin. Just breathe.”

Second....

Heart thudding, no breathing...

Third...

“Hello! Hello! Morgan residence!” Laughter in the background. Definitely not Alex.

“Uhh, uh can I talk to Alex?”

“I don’t know, can you?” More laughter. Another voice that she did recognize.

“Baby, stop messing around. Who is it?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Alex...no one else sounds like that. No doubt...and she just called someone...baby....the girl on the phone....she just called a GIRL baby?)

“I don’t know..who is this please?” The voice was jovial and excited and jeering almost although that last observation was probably Tobin’s imagination because she was sure she hated who ever was talking to her and she didn’t even know her.

“Uh its just a friend from soccer its cool. Never mind. I’ll just call back later.” Tobin felt the vomit rising in her throat.

“Hey nah man its ok, you can talk to her I was just messing around its cool.” She has everything Tobin has ever wanted and she seems pretty decent. Great.

“No really its ok. Sounds like she’s busy.”

“Well not as busy as she was last night but I’m sure its cool.” Laughter in her ear...Tobin’s mind went blank. She felt heat rising to her face and she knew she needed to hang up and never look back.

The last thing she heard was Alex scolding her ‘girlfriend?’

“What the fuck Emily. Shut your mouth!” And what sounded like kissing? Yes it was kissing. Confirmed. Tobin knew very well what kissing sounded like. She had been around enough hormonal teenagers in the last two years to recognize it. Tobin scrambled for the end button before she could hear anymore.

Then she was stuck. Stuck in an environment where no one understood her and how she felt. She was stuck in a house where no one even knew she was having these feelings. The only soul on the planet that knew her secret was Lauren and she was just another person she couldn’t reach. So she just sat there.

The pain started from her chest and radiated through the rest of her body. She had never known pain like this before and once again she hated herself the most for letting herself think she could have someone as unattainable as Alex. It seems that Alex has liked girls all along but not this girl. Not Tobin.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I was right. Why don’t I ever trust my instincts? She really just didn’t want to lose my friendship. She liked girls all this time and never made a move on me. She didn’t because she didn’t want me. How could I believe again that I was something even a little special to her? She flirted with me for attention just as she’s done with who knows how many other girls. I’m such a moron but at least I didn’t make a fool of myself and try to make a move on her. Can’t do this to myself anymore. This hurts so fucking bad.)

Tobin lay in her bed clenching the sheets trying to will herself not to cry. The tears that threatened to fall formed a painful mass in her throat until she could barely breathe. She felt lost and pathetic but most of all she just felt really stupid and unwanted. Alex was being touched by another girl right now. Alex was kissing another girl right now. She was loving another girl at night doing things and letting things be done to her in the most intimate places. Tobin’s emotions were on overload. Emotions that were so strong and painful that they seemed to be overlapping each other and running each other over just to get a chance to be a part of what was soon to be a huge meltdown. Suddenly she felt confined. She couldn’t be here anymore. She had to get up and get out.

Tobin grabbed her bike and started pedaling as fast as she could against the dying sun. Tobin saw the light slowly fading in the sky just as quickly as her resolve was fading with every mile she completed. She pedaled until her legs were numb and her hands were tingling. She pedaled until the last of the light touched the earth and way past the hour when the stars began to appear. Tobin pedaled hard trying to escape the pain that just would not subside. She knew right then that she had to let her go. Alex would always just be a friend. She would always be unattainable.

How had Ashlyn described that once? UNICORN. Alex was Tobin’s unicorn. Someone she would always want, but could never have.

“She’s my unicorn..” Tobin said to herself in a strangled shaky voice that even she couldn’t recognize. And the tears came.

*****************************************************

“Hey! Where have you been?! Me and your dad were so worried! Tobin we almost called the police!”

“Mom, the cops won’t file a missing person’s report until after 24 hours have passed.”  
“Uh, excuse me...where were you Tobin?”  
“Just out riding my bike ma... I didn’t mean to scare you. Sorry.” Tobin said morbidly sighing. “Well, don’t ever do that again. You know you’re not allowed to ride your bike after dark. Get

cleaned up to eat dinner and your Dad has a new movie he wants you to watch with him.”

Tobin smiled a little to herself. Her dad always rented great movies and she was glad that she would have something to distract her from the pain.

****************************************************

Tobin took things a day at a time and occupied her mind by throwing herself into her schoolwork and the basketball team at school. The team wasn’t great but Tobin just enjoyed playing. Summer was fast approaching along with the issue of which summer league she would play in. Softball was always an option and Tobin knew that it would serve more as her therapy than anything else.

“Lauren’s mom said that Lauren and most of the girls on the soccer team are going to be playing with the national youth soccer league this summer. Isn’t that great?”

“Yea...well they deserve it. They’re really good.”

“I’m sorry honey I know you had a great time last year but maybe we can catch one of their games.”

“Na mom its ok. I missed softball anyway. I’ll stick with what I’m good at.”

“Hey, just because you’re not playing on the same level doesn’t mean you’re not good. You are just starting and you got more playing time than some of the regulars on the team.”

Cindy’s intuition was alerting her to the disappointment in her daughter’s voice. And Tobin WAS disappointed but not because she thought she wasn’t good enough. Her devastation with the phone call debacle had left an enormous hole in her heart and the only hope she had left was the summer. The summer was always an idea that lifted Tobin’s spirits. Anything was possible but this last bit of news was the final nail in the coffin and the last thing she wanted was to go watch the girl she had fallen for with whoever might be in the stands to watch her too.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck that. Why would I willingly hurt myself? If I want to feel pain like that I can just shoot myself.)

***************************************************

End of the school year. Three months of freedom ahead. Last summer before high school. It should be exciting right?

Tobin decided to play softball for the summer and fill her extra time with the annual camping trip her family took every 4th of July.

She constantly tried to remind herself of all the good things she had to look forward to but it wasn’t easy with the thought of Alex and the way she sounded on the other end of the phone that day.... it was eating Tobin alive.

By the time Tobin’s first softball game came around, she was just anxious to get out on the field. She was relentless. Running faster, hitting harder, diving for every ground ball. Tobin was determined to pound the memory of those gorgeous blue eyes out of her head.

After the first 5 games, Tobin had pretty much gone back to feeling a little more like herself. The first softball tournament was approaching and Tobin was more than ready.

“Hey Tobin, you took a summer off I thought you’d be kinda rusty but it looks like you got even better!” Tobin’s teammate Jacky told her as they warmed up their arms for the first game of the tournament.

“Eh, I was always this good, you just never paid attention.” Tobin said grinning. Jacky rolled her eyes and laughed at her friend.

“So you didn’t like soccer too much? I’m kinda guessing you didn’t since you’re back with us this summer.”

“Nah, I really liked it. The team is just not playing together this year so I didn’t see a reason to play on another team. Lauren is playing with them too. I miss that dork.”

“Oh yea, looks like we are gonna lose her permanently. You guys suck for leaving us.”

“Hey hey, I was practically forced to play so don’t blame me.”

The girls laughed and ran into the dugout to get ready for the game.

“We got a pretty big crowd for this tournament. All these rich southside kids and their mommies and daddies all made it out.” The pitcher Erica said.

Tobin was not interested in the crowd or in the other team. She just wanted to start the game off right. She wasn’t the number 3 batter for no reason. Tobin always needed to have just a little hit to start off or she would feel off for the rest of the game.

Niomi the third baseman was the first batter and Tobin knew that she would get on base with no problem. She was quick and her bunt was executed with perfection every time. Ni was on base before the catcher knew what hit her.

Jacky was next and Tobin was on deck. Tobin had a ritual that started when she stepped into the circle to wait for her turn at bat. She took her bat and put a weight on it. She took a few swings and then took the weight off. She kept her eyes on the pitcher for every wind up to time the pitch.

The sun was mild, just hot enough to prickle her skin a little. The supple leather of her batting gloves giving off a sweet scent with every movement. Her cleats laced tight and all excess lace tucked in to the top. The weight of her bat ‘bam bam’ was heavy and comforting in her hands as she lined up her knuckles on the black handle giving it a swing to loosen up her wrists. Tap once on her left cleat with her bat, tap once on her right to get rid of the clumps of damp red dirt. Deep breath #1...pause...Deep breath #2....pull her helmet down lower on her head over her lucky red cap....one more deep breath....

“Let’s go Toby! You better hit a home run!”  
(Tobin’s brain notes: There’s no way I’m hearing that. It’s my imagination. She’s not here.)

Tobin’s chest suddenly felt like it was on fire. A mixture of anger, pain and longing began to break her concentration and her resolve. She didn’t need to look up in the stands to know that the voice yelling at her to hit a home run belonged to Alex. Tobin would recognize that voice if she was hearing it from 10 feet underwater with ear plugs in her ears.

Jacky took two balls and then the first strike came right down the middle. Tobin would personally take this pitch just to make the pitcher work a little harder to give her another strike. Tobin loved tiring out the pitchers. Jacky didn’t take the pitch though. She hit a good hard grounder to the

short stop and was thrown out. Advance the runner.

Tobin knew she would take the first few pitches and give ‘twinkle toes’ Ni a chance to steel another base so she could at least be on third no matter how Tobin’s at bat panned out.

These were the thoughts that were running through her subconscious having played the game of softball for so many years and it was this muscle memory that Tobin was thanking at this moment. If she didn’t have an autopilot to take over she would definitely be a wreck right at this moment. She refused to acknowledge the voice in the stands. With every minute that passed that Alex was being ignored she yelled louder and more frequently. Tobin smiled internally as she heard the anxiousness in Alex’s voice.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Serv was right. Don’t seem too eager. She sounds so fucking bothered cuz I’m ignoring her. Fuck it. What does she care anyway? She’s probably sitting up there with her fucking girlfriend. Fuck this, just crush this fucking ball. Concentrate all the fucking pain she’s caused you into this ball.)

Tobin stepped into the box and sent up a little prayer. Repetition, repetition. Adjust the helmet again. Fix the gloves. One more double tap on the cleats. One foot in the box, now add the other. Sit back on the pitch....relax. Relax and wait.

First pitch low and inside...  
(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh you fucked up giving me this pitch. This is it. You’re dead. Thanks.)

The solid hit, the weightless feeling and the ball hitting the top of left field fence. Tobin's speed gave her the advantage to be able to get around the bases before the defense was able to throw her out. It was what she was known for. Over the fence grand slams were not necessary for Heath. By the time the defense even fielded the ball, the lithe tan 2nd baseman was already half way down to 3rd base. In the park Home run and an RBI. This was a great start to what Tobin was sure to be a very nerve wracking game.


	2. Always Be Here

Before I continue posting these chapters I just want to get a very important factor about this whole story straight. I would put this in the summary but I learned the hard way that most people don't read anything if its in the notes or summary. This is my life story. So when you give suggestions or tell me what you would like to see happen in the story, as much as I'd like to grant your requests I can't change a story that has already happened. I am here to tell the truth and use these very well loved characters as real people I encountered during my adolescence and into early adult hood solely for the purpose of anonymity. When this is turned into a memior it will be 100% raw. The story line you read here is 100% true but small details had to be changed a little. Those details do not change the story line in any way. All of this really happened. So as this story goes on, for those of you who have no idea what you're in for and have never read the already published and erased chapters of this trilogy, just remember that every painful detail of the sequence of events happened to me in real life. My first love in real life was beautiful but she wasn't an Alex Morgan. I am not anywhere near as cool or attractive as Tobin Heath. This is just my life and this is a sample case of what my response will be once I put it out in the world at 100%. THanks for reading.

 

 

 

_Rounding 3rd! She’s rounding 3rd! TOBIN HEATH LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! A monster in the park home run by the left field fence! One pitch! One pitch is all it took and Heath just bombs it!_

_Incredible swing! Even more incredible base running! Heath brings in 3rd baseman, #2 Niomi Rademacher who earned her 56th single of the season by way of a bunt. Heath is running to home plate where her teammates are waiting to congratulate her. This puts the score at 2-0 and we aren’t even half way through the inning_ _yet! No outs, top of the 1st inning and already a beautiful hit. Keep your eyes on young Heath ladies and gentleman. This one’s a star! Unbelievable!_ -Tobin’s brain notes

This was Tobin’s second in the park homerun and she felt on top of the world. She absolutely loved the feeling of accomplishment. Her heart may be broken and she may have an unfortunate circumstance waiting for her after this game but at least she had this. And no one could take it from her.

“Oh My God Babe that was Beautiful!”

Ella Masar. One of the team’s new additions. She was energetic and hilarious. Tobin and Ella had hit it off right from the start. Ella wore her heart on her sleeve and always talked about how anything big or small made her feel. Tobin felt safe hanging out with Ella and after all the pain she had been through recently, a friendship like this was just what the doctor ordered. Ella was also very hands on but a little rough. Ella loved to roughhouse with her teammates and Tobin was no exception. It was as if she didn’t know her own strength. Her huge biceps and muscular legs were a constant reminder of how strong she was. After the entire team slapped Tobin on the back or butt or gave her a hug, Ella lingered in the area where the #4 batter was waiting for her turn at bat. She grabbed Tobin by the sides of her face as she yelled her congratulations. Tobin could only grin widely and follow Ella’s lead back into the dugout when she easily lifted Tobin over her shoulder and carried her in even though Tobin was at least 5 inches taller. It was a spectacle that had Tobin and her teammates laughing and cheering.

Tobin sat and began to drink water while Ella plopped down on the bench next to her.

“Dude, I swear that hit was so sweet. It looked like that’s what you meant to do as soon as you stepped into the box! You should’ve done a Babe Ruth prediction cuz that’s how confident you looked! Fuck Tobs, I’m telling you....beautiful!”

“Thanks E. I know we’re gonna have a good game now.”

“Yea no shit, of course we will after a hit like that!

"She gave me my favority pitch Ella.  Its like she wanted me to hit or something!"  Tobin said through an exhilarated laugh.

"Hey, there was some girl over here asking for you while you were up to bat. She’s really pretty dude. Her eyes were like killer blue! I know she can’t be related to you though, definitely doesn't have the Heath genes.” Ella laughed slapping her knee. Tobin laughed slapping Ella on the shoulder.

“I don’t know who it could’ve been E, I don’t know anyone here and my family didn’t come to watch me play today.” Tobin lied with ease.

“So now we don’t know each other?”

Tobin heard a pained voice float through the chain link fence that served as the walls of the dugout. In this moment, Tobin wished she was invisible. Tobin wished she could be anywhere but sitting in a dugout flanked by two beautiful teenagers one of which had her heart. The last thing she wanted to do was turn and look into those blue eyes.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fucking....blue....eyes....She’s gonna kill me one day. I just know it. God I hate her so much right now.)

Tobin turned slowly deciding that she would act surprised as if she had never heard Alex obnoxiously yelling at her from the stands.

“Woah...Lex! What are you doing here?! Had no idea you were here!”

The look on Alex face went from wounded to emotionless to confused and then just pure pain. That’s all Tobin could see after a few seconds. She decided after seeing the pain that she could only make eye contact for brief moments for as long as this conversation lasted.

“There’s no way you didn’t hear me yelling at you before you hit. I was so loud that I embarrassed Emily and my sister.”

There it was. A dagger right to Tobin’s heart. Emily. She figured the girl would be there with Alex. Tobin had already decided that she would avoid Alex so she would never have to see it but now she had to face it and there was no way around it. She was going to have to put on a good show because she knew that she wasn’t doing a good job of convincing anyone of anything so far. At this point, she doubted she could even convince Ella, who was still sitting next to her tentatively listening to their conversation, that the sky was blue much less look at the girl she had feelings for in the eye and lie through her teeth. She had never had much luck lying to Alex except when it came to her true feelings.

except when it came to her true feelings.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Except to hide my feelings...and look where the fuck that got me....fuck I hate this shit!)

“No sorry, Lex. I get in a zone when I step in the batter’s box. I don’t hear anything.”

“Its true...she doesn’t pay attention to shit!” Ella interjected laughing.

“I talked to you earlier right? I’m Alex, what’s your name?”

“Ella! I’m Tobin’s babysitter. Are you her girlfriend cuz it would be a huge help if you could share the babysitting responsibilities. This jerk is a handful!”

Ella started to laugh and then Tobin was laughing and Alex joined in. Just like Ella to make such a tense situation more awkward and yet relieve some of that tension at the same time. This was quickly turning into a mess.

“No E, Alex isn’t my girlfriend. Her girlfriend is sitting in the stands. So she has her own girl to babysit. Looks like you’re stuck with me. I’m not even on this kid’s level. You kidding?” Tobin said trying to sound like she was joking but the underlying tone of disdain and sarcasm shone throw like the beam of a flashlight that shines through your fingers when you’re trying to snuff it out.

The three were silent. Tobin looked at Alex for a brief moment just so she could see her register this new information. Tobin gave her a quick knowing look. Almost smug. Just to be able to reiterate non verbally to Alex....(Tobin’s brain notes: Yea Lex, I know your little secret.)

Ella looked at Tobin and then over at Alex before she stood up.

“Ok, well I think that’s my cue to make my way over to the other side of the dugout.”

Ella said before making her famous “awkward palm tree” hand gesture at Tobin and walking away. Ella’s awkward palm tree hand gesture. She crossed one hand over the other joined at the wrist in the shape of an X, palms down to resemble palm leaves. It was Ella and Tobin’s little secret gesture to let the other know when a situation got sufficiently awkward and they couldn’t or didn’t want to say it out loud.

Tobin couldn’t help laughing softly in response to the gesture as Ella walked away. “Toby....h-how do you know that Emily is my girlfriend? Did Serv tell you?” “Huh.” Tobin half huffed and half laughed in sarcastic amusement.

“Serv knew huh? Well I wasn’t sure but now you just confirmed it Lex...thanks. Would’ve been nice if Serv had let me know that little tid bit of info before he gave me your number. I had to call and hear you and Emily sucking face after she bragged that she had obviously nailed you the night before. What an amazing cousin he is huh? I have to thank him for that personally.”

“Wh-what!? No, Serv just found out yesterday, Tobin. You...you never called. That’s impossible.” Alex whispered her last sentence, her eyes taking on a thoughtful far away look as she racked her brain for a memory of a phone call. She whispered something inaudible that Tobin didn’t catch and didn’t try to make her repeat. All of a sudden Tobin felt sick and exhausted.  
This was not going to end well. Alex sounded like she was absolutely oblivious to the whole phone call and this made Tobin’s stomach turn even more.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She called me Tobin...not Toby. Already getting back to the formalities of being impersonal with someone. And I thought it was bad that I could never be her girlfriend. Looks like I really lost her now. All of her.)

Tobin couldn’t believe that this whole time Alex probably never even cared to figure out who called or even to ask Servando why Tobin had never called her. She didn’t even wonder about it. She just went on with her life happily with her girlfriend while Tobin gutted it out everyday trying not to think about how bad it was hurting her. Trying not to think about finally finding the missing link, the key and not being able to use it. The key to the lock that held the treasure that Tobin could never have. The unicorn.

Tobin stood slowly and turned to Alex to finally make eye contact with her. All the pain and sickness hitting her with a crippling blow making her weak in the knees. But she managed to stand tall. She refused to let Alex know how hurt she really was and besides she was just a friend to Alex. Nothing more so a friend should be supportive of her friend’s relationship.

“Lex, its nice to see you. I’m glad you found happiness. That happiness that we always talked about you know. The kind that you deserve. Someone that really sees you and respects you for everything you are and everything you are not. I wish you would’ve let me know you were into girls but I guess I can’t really be mad at you because I didn’t tell you I’m into girls either. But

now you know and you heard it from my mouth.”  
Alex inhaled sharply and involuntarily at Tobin’s confession.

“I...my god.....Tobin I never told you because I was afraid to lose you.” Voice fragile, still just above a whisper.

“You know me Alexandra. You know me better than a lot of people and you know I would never judge but you kept it from me and now you have a girlfriend and I had to hear it second hand from a 3 way conversation you didn’t even know you were having because you were too busy sticking your tongue down her throat. Hey, it’s cool. Like I said. I’m really happy for you. Now I need to concentrate on this game. It is a tournament after all and I want that trophy. Its about the only thing that I can hope to have at this point.”

Alex’s eyes squinted as she tried to comprehend the not so subtle metaphor Tobin just dropped in her lap. Tobin could see that tears were forming in Alex’s eyes and she couldn’t look at her any longer.

“You...you never told me either so you were afraid too weren’t you?” Alex accused softly. The tears were close to slipping down her cheeks. Inevitable.

Tobin laughed to herself softly with no real amusement behind it. She continued to look down at her hands deep in thought.

“Sure I was scared...but not for the same reasons Morgan.” Tobin sighed.

(Tobin’s brain notes: We could’ve really been something special, Lex. Something really spectacular.)

“But hey, I hope you enjoy the rest of the game. It should be a good one, we have a great team. Tell your sis I say Hi.” Fake over exaggerated shrillness uncommon to the calmness of Tobin’s vocal chords. Tobin walked to the other side of the dugout to grab her glove and take her position. Three outs and it was the ‘Terminators” turn to take the field.

“Hey Tobs, you ok?” Ella said as the infield huddled up in the pitchers circle.

“Yea I’m good...let’s just play ok? I’m ready, I’m in this. Let’s go.” Tobin was barely there. Autopilot wasn’t the case anymore. Tobin was having an out of body experience. She relied on her muscle memory, instincts and quick reflexes to ghost through the game.

Looking into the stands was not an option. Tobin felt that she would feel sick no matter what she found. She was already scolding herself for eating those chilidogs before the game, but she was starving and now she was having a real hard time keeping them down.

Alex with her girlfriend, Alex with a horrible wounded look on her face or Alex...gone. It was all the same sickening reality, because the cold hard truth was that no matter what Tobin found or didn’t find, Alex was already gone and Tobin could do nothing about it. Tobin had to come to terms with the fact that maybe she was never meant to be any more than Alex’s friend.

A friend that would cut her teeth on this situation as her first unrequited love. Love....

(Tobin’s brain notes: No, NO. I don’t love her. This doesn’t matter to me. I don’t love her...I don’t...I don...I do love her. I might have even loved her from the first time I laid eyes on her.)

“FUCK!”

“Dude...dude wtf! Are you ok? Did one of those bitches do something to you?” Ella scrambled over to Tobin after the last opponent shook hands at the end of the game.

Tobin gave Ella a blank look. She hadn’t heard a word that had just come out of Ella’s mouth. “Tobs...seriously dude you’re scaring me a little. Don’t make me slap you. You ok?” “Yea...I-I just want to go home. I’m fucking exhausted.”  
“Looks like you have someone waiting for you...if you need me to stick around I will.”

“No, its ok. You’re the fucking best you have no idea but I have to face this and there’s no way around it.”

“Maybe you can talk to me about it later? You look like you need to talk to someone that isn’t as invested in this...whatever it is.”

“I wish I knew what this was so I could know where to start! You’re not the only one that’s confused. Trust me.” Tobin laughed a little. There was nothing left to do but laugh. Tobin was emotionally exhausted.

Tobin closed her eyes and took a deep breath but regretted it quickly when she flashed back to the way Alex looked at her that last night in the hotel room. Those four walls held a moment in time that Tobin would never be able to erase.

(Tobin’s brain notes: How could she not see me if I was standing in front of her for so long? I was right there and she still chose someone else. I won’t ever wait again. If I want something I’m gonna take it if its freely given. It’s too late for Alex. She’s not free anymore. I’m just not at her level. If she wanted me, she would’ve made a move. You can’t be hurt about something you can never have....I can never have her anyway so...big deal. This is the last time I will allow myself to feel this way about this girl. Friendship is the end for us and I’m ok with that.)

Tobin knew she was lying to herself but she also knew that this was the only way to get herself back to a functional state. She had to get through this conversation and everything would be fine.

Ella walked with an arm around Tobin’s waist until they got to the parking lot where Tobin was supposed to wait for her ride.

Ella turned and gave Tobin a hug. Ella held her tight and didn’t rush to let go. She wanted Tobin to feel safe and comforted before she faced whatever she had to face with Alex. She held Tobin way after Alex had arrived. Both teenagers had their eyes closed. Tobin trying to hold on to the safety of her friend and Ella trying to give Tobin her strength. Ella finally loosened her grip and slapped Tobin lightly on the face.

“Spectacular game superstar. I swear if I wasn’t so straight I’d jump you’re bony ass tonight.” Tobin and Ella laughed together and some of that ever-present tension was relieved.

“She’s not as bony as she looks.” Alex interrupted. Whatever Alex was trying to accomplish by that comment was lost because her tone was dripping with so much possessiveness.

Ella looked at Tobin and smiled.

“I believe it. I never judge a book by its clothes.”

Tobin guffawed and doubled over holding her stomach.

“Its judge a book by its cover!”

Ella and Tobin stood leaning on each other laughing and it was as if Alex wasn’t even standing there.

“Anyway, thanks for the win Tobs. We couldn’t have done it without you. Be safe. Alex it was nice to meet you.” And with that Ella was gone along with the safety net she had just woven for Tobin.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is it. Fuck this. Its nothing.)  
“Hey Lex, what’s up?”  
“Ella is really cute Tobin...you should really go for it. She would be good for you. She really...”

“Is this why you came over here to talk to me? To tell me I should make a move on Ella? Yea Ella is beautiful and funny and she never confuses me. I always know how she feels and that makes me feel safe. But...”

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s not you.)

“She’s straight. Too straight and I’m not really into chasing straight girls and getting hurt. Just a huge waste of my time.”

“So if she wasn’t straight you would consider her?”

“I don’t believe we are having this conversation. Why this sudden interest in my personal life? You’re happy, I get it Lex but that doesn’t mean you have to feel guilty that I haven’t found someone and try to hook me up. I’m fine. I’m always fine.”

Alex looked down at hearing this little comment knowing that Tobin was mocking her.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Tobin. Its so much more complicated than you think. I almost told you that night in the hotel room but I was afraid to lose you. So afraid that you would never want to talk to me again.”

“What does it matter Alex? Please don’t act like you really care. You didn’t have my number but Serv is my cousin. If you really cared you would’ve just asked him for my number.”

“I-I didn’t think....this is so fucked up Toby. I never meant things to be this way.”

“Well, no worries. Its ok. Hey maybe I’ll see you some other time.”

“Tobin...please.”

Tobin heard the sob in Alex’s voice and just could not walk away no matter how hard she tried to force herself to take a step in the opposite direction.

She turned around and crushed Alex in a hug. Alex was startled but she quickly followed Tobin’s lead and wrapped her arms around Tobin.

“You wont’ ever lose me Alex. That hasn’t changed. I’ll always be your friend. I’ll always be here for you. Don’t ever forget that. I have to go now. Be good.”

(Alex’s brain notes: Please don’t go Tobin. Please. I want you. I want only you.)


	3. The Tragedy

This place is dark. Sectioned off with caution tape. No one has inhabited this small space in a while. She refuses to visit. The memories it holds eat the happy existence she’s created for herself so she keeps her distance. She’s good at that. But that never stops the memories from visiting her. No. She can’t stop that, because to stop that would be to rewrite her history, to rewrite her past and one can NEVER be sure where they are going if they don’t know where they have  
been. So it remains. That little piece of her heart that she refuses to acknowledge. It will remain there forever until it is touched again. Until, it is once again awakened.

“I can’t believe you are going to start high school already honey. Time goes by so fast!”

Tobin’s mother had been like this for weeks. Cindy was more stressed and emotional about Tobin going to high school than Tobin was. Tobin knew that it would be a change but she tried to just approach the idea of high school with an open mind and relax because she knew that she could overcome the challenges.

Tobin had been scouted by the high school basketball team and she knew she had a chance of making the squad. That was enough to make her nervous. She wanted to play at that level because it was an honor but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to go straight onto a varsity squad. The only thing that comforted Tobin was that the expectations for the basketball team wouldn’t be so high because they hadn’t made the playoffs in about 12 years. It was an entirely different story when it came to other sports though.

Kennedy High School was known for excellent achievements in three sports. The boy’s baseball team and the girl’s softball and soccer teams. Tobin had every intention of trying for both even though the seasons coincided. If she made both she would have to see if she could work it out or she would have to choose. High school also meant that all the districts junior high schools would be combined and organized into only 5 high schools that the district had so this meant that Tobin might be going to school with some or all of her soccer friends. Since Kennedy had the best soccer team, she knew that transfers were very likely and not uncommon. If Kennedy’s scouts had been doing their job they would’ve been sure to scout at least 60% of the d-backs. They were by far some of the best soccer players in the district.

Tobin knew for a fact that Alex was a no go when it came to transferring to Kennedy. She would attend the high school she was meant to go to because it was a tradition in her family. Tobin didn’t have to know who else would be on McClendon High school’s soccer team to know that Alex would be their best player without question. She would probably take the district MVP title as a freshman on varsity without even breaking a sweat. She wasn’t joking when she said she was born to play. Tobin was relieved to know that at least there would be no distractions. She would have her friends back and she would be able to focus on school and sports. This was the best-case scenario for Tobin at this point.

Freshman orientation was in two days and Cindy had laid out all of Tobin’s new school clothes on her bed so that they (really she) could decide what Tobin would wear. Cindy knew that some of the seniors would be volunteering and of the course this would be the first impression Tobin would make on the staff too. The stress of this one event set Cindy into a state.

“What about this skirt with this shirt?”

It was endless questions like this over and over again. Tobin never really liked to answer because no matter what she said or what she liked, Cindy always had the last word. It was always a game of trying to figure out what Cindy liked the best and pretend like she liked that outfit because

Cindy liked to believe that she really wasn’t dressing her daughter but merely helping her choose. Tobin didn’t care one way or another. If she had the choice she wouldn’t wear any of the clothing on her bed but of course this was another thing she had to keep from her mother to avoid an argument that she could never win anyway.

They finally decided on an outfit and then they found out the next day that the orientation was cancelled.

The latest graduating class had fallen victim to a horrible tragedy. Two of the star football players who had just graduated had died in a car accident. Both teenagers had been given two full paid scholarships to play football for the same college and had died together while they were making their trip to their dorm for the first time to get settled in. Tobin didn’t know one person that was currently attending or had just graduated but she felt that she needed to attend this memorial anyway. There was a deep-seated sorrow that fell over her after seeing the report on the local news and in the newspaper. New students were encouraged to attend anyway. Cindy told Tobin she would attend with her.

The death of Jake Medrano and Jake Smith had affected Tobin more than she had ever expected. Just the thought of someone so young losing their life, it was eye opening and terrifying. They were literally on their way to their future and their future was bright. Eighteen years old and that’s all she wrote. The thought of it was so ironic and it left Tobin in a very pensive state for the entire day before the memorial. The memorial was to be held in the school gymnasium to accommodate all the family, friends and acquaintances of the well-loved best friends. The bodies would not be present. Tobin was grateful for that. She wasn’t sure she could play basketball or volleyball on the same court if that were the case. Tobin knew that she needed to prepare herself for a very large grief stricken crowd from what she had seen on the news and in the paper. She was glad she would have her mother with her.

Cindy and Tobin arrived at the gym 45 minutes before the service was set to start and the entire parking lot was already full. After parking in a secondary parking area next to the school, they made their way into the gym arm in arm.

“Are you ok, honey?”

“I’m a little scared that it might be too much. I don’t know why I’m scared. They were just so young.”

“I know my sweet. It is so sad. I don’t think I’d be able to do something like this if you passed away. I don’t even want to think about it.”

Tobin had seen a clip of Jake Medrano’s father breaking down in the hospital. How the news station was able to get that footage was beyond her but it both sickened and saddened her. Mr. Medrano had fallen to his knees and literally cursed God for taking his son. He was go grief stricken he had to be sedated and admitted into the hospital for the night. Tobin knew that this was the reason she was afraid of what might happen. She didn’t think she could handle seeing that. She had never had to deal with death in this way. Sudden, viscous, all encompassing death that happened way too soon. The unmerciful finality of death was something she struggled to understand.

(Tobin’s brain notes: If I feel this way...God I can’t even imagine how they feel)

Tobin’s stomach turned at that thought as they entered the gym and began searching for a seat. Cindy looked in the stands and Tobin observed the middle of the basketball court where the late football player’s helmets, jersey’s and pictures were on display along with floral displays and mementos left by students, loved ones, friends and family. These things alone took up half of the

basketball court.  
“Hey honey look, it’s your soccer friends. Looks like they have room over there for us to sit.” A light in all this darkness. The girls. The team. Her friends.

Tobin looked where her mother was leading her and saw all the smiling faces of her friends. Her heart was lifted from the place it had just previously dropped to when she saw the court and a smile shot across her face lighting up her features.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Have respect Tobin. Don’t get too loud when you are greeting them. People are grieving.)

Tobin had to repeat this to herself because she was so happy to see her friends that she felt like she might scream with excitement or pick Pinoe and Lauren up in a hug, or tackle Ashlyn down. Tobin was even considering giving Hope a huge wet obnoxious kiss on the cheek. They were in public so she thought she just might be able to get away with it without getting killed.

Despite her efforts to restrain herself, this is exactly what she did minus the screaming. She had to throw in a big wet obnoxious kiss for Kelley too after the defender gave her a cute little pout because her girlfriend got a kiss and she didn’t. Tobin gave Syd, Kristie, Ali, HAO and Carli each a lingering hug and then sat down next to Pinoe. Tobin could tell they were all excited to be together and they were also trying to be respectful but it wasn’t easy with Pinoe cracking everyone up as she caught Tobin up with all the funny stories about the national team during the summer.

“We missed you Tobs you little whore! Shit wasn’t the same without you.” Pinoe said giving Tobin a light punch on her shoulder. Lauren leaned over and put a strong hand over Pinoe’s mouth. The people surrounding them were already giving them pointed looks.

“Can’t you lower your fucking voice Pinoe? I don’t think the grieving families on the other side of the gym heard you call Tobin a whore. Not to mention her mother who is sitting with mine two rows below us.”

“Nope, no that’s just Pinoe’s regular voice. She doesn’t have an inside voice.” Ali said smiling huge. Tobin even found that she had been aching to see Ali’s nose crinkle too and she knew that this high school experience was going to be great with her friends here with her.

“Hey so I guess this means that all of you are going to be playing soccer for the Kennedy Gladiators?” Tobin asked through a huge smile.

Lauren finally let Pinoe go and they all smiled nodding their heads. “Abby?”

“With your girl at Mac. Of course that shitty school would take two of our best forwards.” Pinoe said with a regret filled sigh.

“Hey, you still got me! That’s all you need. Are you trying to say I can’t hold my own Megan?” Syd replied quickly.

“Nah, nah come on. You’re awesome but all of you had good chemistry together especially this one with Alex....” Pinoe quirked a thumb at Tobin.

“Can you please shut your gob already!? It’s gonna start any time now.” Ashlyn quickly said trying to cover the awkward silence. Tobin ignored it and focused on something else.

As if Ashlyn hadn’t even spoken a word, Pinoe put her hand out to the side toward Tobin for a hand slap. Tobin went for it and was amused when Pinoe held onto her hand instead of just slapping it.

“Wait, you and me are gonna have our own hand shake. Just a middy handshake.”

“So all the other middies on the team are gonna learn it too?” Tobin asked quirking an eye brow.

“Nope...well, let’s just make it a Pinoe-Heath handshake ok?”

Tobin laughed and agreed nodding her head. Pinoe quickly made up a simple slap, grabbing fingertips, snapping fingers once and funny little hand motion to end it.

“Grandma, you are so retarted! Act like you’re gonna stick your hand in a bag of flour and grab just a little with your fingertips. Ok...now turn it up toward the sky and squeeze it twice. And that’s it. You finally got it. Damn grandma’s already going senile.”

Tobin laughed and put a hand over Pinoe’s mouth again when she heard the mic check on the court.

Hope leaned forward from her seat behind Pinoe to whisper in the small blonde’s ear.

“If you can’t hold your fucking tongue for this one or two hours that this thing is gonna last, I swear I will personally pull you out of here by your little blonde mop top and then shave it the fuck off when we get outside...with a fucking knife. Every. Last. Strand. I’ll fucking do it Pinoe. You know I will. If you believe me and you understand, nod your head once and then commence to shut the fuck up.”

Pinoe did as she was told. Tobin heard the whole exchange going on next to her and she couldn’t help laughing at how worried Pinoe actually looked.

The ceremony started and soon there wasn’t a dry eye in the stands. The families of the young football players stood and gave moving speeches. A few handpicked students did the same but one really stood out to Tobin.

A running back for the football team that was going into his junior year. He was an up and coming star running back and he had just played his first season on varsity as a sophomore. Tobin had never seen a man cry so much. But it was more than the crying that got Tobin’s attention. It was the story. His name was Gabe. He was only 5ft 5 and he was African American. He told the story of how nervous he was to play on varsity as a sophomore and how the team was hard on him but the only two players that took him under their wing and stood up for him were the Jakes. He told funny stories about how much of a clown Jake M was and how sweet Jake S was. He spoke so openly and so freely as if every single person in the stands were close friends of his. Tobin related to that. He spoke of how big they were compared to him and that they always joked that he was their little baby. Gabe seemed to send the entire gym into different levels of sorrow. Some cried harder, others smiled through tears and others cried silent tears that wouldn’t stop. Then the ceremony was over.

“Hey Tobs, are you going to the viewing?” Lauren asked Tobin as they all walked out together. “Uhh, I didn’t know there was anything else going on tonight.”

“Well yea, my mom and I were going to pay our respects to the family. At least let them know that they are in our prayers. Come with me Tobs. I’d feel better if you did.”

“Ok, I’ll ask my mom.”

Cindy allowed Tobin to accompany the team to the funeral home and opted out saying that she just couldn’t see them or she wouldn’t be able to sleep. Tobin knew her mother could only take so much. So they all headed out together.

Tobin had seen photos of the teenagers. They were both very handsome. Smith had beautiful sea green eyes and the pinkest lips Tobin had ever seen on a guy. Medrano had a beautiful tan, a gorgeous smile and a ridiculous jawline. They were easily some of the best looking guys Tobin had ever seen.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What a complete waste of two young lives.)

Knowing how they really looked only made the situation worse when Tobin walked up to the first casket, holding hands with Lauren. She looked in at the riddled remains of Jacob Smith. The first word that came up in Tobin’s head when she laid eyes on him was ‘zombie.’ Tobin couldn’t believe how terrified she was. Her grandmother had always told her that when you visit someone in the funeral home that it’s just an empty shell. Just a shell of the person that once was and the soul was free and had gone home already. This is the thought that invaded Tobin’s brain when she tried her best to choke back the scream that was threatening to rip through her vocal chords.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What the fuck were they thinking!? This should’ve been a closed casket. Oh my God...no!)

Jake Smith was an organ donor and Tobin could see which one of the organs was definitely missing. Jake’s beautiful sea green eyes. The undertaker had done a really poor job of filling his closed eye lids. The sunken nature of his eyes and the gauntness of his face reminded Tobin that he indeed was just a shell. A shell with empty black eye sockets where his eyeballs should be. A chill ran up Tobin’s spine and she knew she couldn’t take much more of this.

“Jesus L, please...let’s just talk to the family. I’m feeling like I might scream.” Tobin pleaded. Lauren heard the desperation in her friend’s voice and wrapped an arm around her waist leading her over to the family.

If Tobin thought Jake Smith was the epitome of poor workmanship, then Jake Medrano’s empty shell was a victim of not only a horrible car crash and blunt force trauma but he also seemed to be a victim of horrible monster make up as a horror movie extra.

Medrano’s entire face and what was visible of his neck was so swollen and purple that he closely resembled Frankenstein’s monster. There was no trace of the gorgeous, glowing teenage boy from the pictures. This casket should’ve also been closed. They both wore full dress football uniforms. Smith #33, Medrano #7.

Tobin was beyond horrified. She left her friends that night and had a sense of sadness, fear and anxiety that would not leave her. She felt foolish. She was 15 years old and she was about to be a freshman in high school and she was afraid to be in the dark. Why? Tobin tried to reason with herself that what happened to these kids was a horrible tragedy but in life they were beautiful people and there was no reason to be afraid of them but she just couldn’t shake it. She slept with her parents that night after her mother made her some warm tea to help her sleep. No matter how old she got she knew that she would always feel safe sleeping between her parents.

*************************************************

The first day of high school came around and Tobin was glad to find that Lauren was in her homeroom.

“Hey Tobin! Uhh I love you and your cute little face in my home room....thank GOD!” Lauren

yelled at Tobin in the hallway causing people to turn and stare. The two teenagers laughed and entered the classroom together. The announcements came on and the student body was informed that volleyball tryouts would be held next week. Tobin’s face lit up and she looked at Lauren.

“We should try out together. I don’t have shit to do until basketball season and it would be a good way to stay in shape by the time soccer comes around.”

“Oh, I don’t know I’m not very good.”  
“Come on L, please! Just try out. Who cares! It’s so fun! If you love me you’ll do it.”

“Oh you little asshole you had to pull that shit on me. Ok, but if I suck and people laugh I’m not gonna speak to you for a week.”

“Shit, let someone try to laugh at you. I’ll put a beating on em.”  
Lauren laughed and rolled her eyes.  
“Hey what do you have next class?” Lauren asked.  
The two teenagers took out their schedules to take a look.  
“Looks like I have chemistry. Ugh.” Tobin said sticking her tongue out in disgust. Lauren laughed and shook her head.

“Well I have geometry and they are down the same wing so we can walk together!” “Cool, this is bad ass. What more could I want!” Tobin said with a big grin.

Tobin and Lauren walked down one of the main halls to get to the math and science wing and they passed by the cafeteria on the way. They hadn’t seen any of their other teammates yet but someone they recognized did come up to them and they were both pretty shocked. Gabe the football player from the memorial.

“Hi, I’m Gabe...weren’t you two at the memorial last week?”  
Tobin saw that Lauren might have taken a liking to Gabe so she let Lauren speak. “Uh yea, we were. I’m Lauren and this is Tobin.”

Gabe shook Lauren’s hand first and then Tobin’s. “Nice to meet you both. So some of the jocks are having a party tonight. You two should come. You should get acquainted with the popular crowd since you’re jocks and soon you will always be hanging out with us.” Gabe seemed a little different from what Tobin remembered but she wrote it off as the effects of grief. Everyone grieves differently.

“How did you know we were jocks?” Lauren asked in a flirtatious tone.  
“You look like a basketball player and you are 100% soccer player. Am I right?”

Lauren laughed. “Well, you’re half right. Yes I am a soccer player but Tobin plays soccer too so you were a little off with her. You’re pretty good.”

The bell rang giving them 5 minutes to get to class.  
“Well, I’ll catch up with you two at lunch and give you the details. See you later ladies.” Gabe

said giving them a sly look.

Tobin’s soccer friends all had the same lunch block so they all sat together telling their stories about how their first day was going so far.

“My God! There are so many hot girls in this school I don’t know which one to go for first!” Pinoe said shaking her head in mock exasperation.

“Yea and they’re all straight!” Tobin said laughing.

“Hey Grandma, every girl is straight until she’s not. I’m gonna have the time of my life in high school. The table groaned and shook their heads.

Lauren saw Gabe approaching with another guy and she elbowed Tobin to get her attention.

“Hello ladies, how is everyone’s lunch today?” Gabe said. Tobin noticed that he was oozing confidence and she found it sweet that he probably learned that from his friends. This made her a little sad.

The girls were a little confused because they didn’t know that Lauren and Tobin had had a conversation with Gabe earlier. Lauren spoke up.

“Oh it’s cool. So Gabe are you gonna introduce your friend or is he just gonna stand there and look pretty?” Lauren said eyeing Gabe’s counterpart.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Damn I’ve never seen Lauren like this that little slut!) Tobin laughed to herself and shook her head a little.

“Hey I’m sorry, I’m Jrue. That was pretty rude of me. What’s your name?” Jrue said as he took Lauren’s hand and shook it. Jrue was tall and muscular with dark smooth skin and Tobin recognized that he was even better looking than Gabe.

“I’m Lauren, nice to meet you Jrue.” Lauren said looking right into Jrue’s eyes.

“So now that everyone knows who we are, just wanted to invite everyone to a little party we are having tonight. Here’s the info so I hope to see you there. It’s gonna be pretty sick.” Gabe said handing Tobin a slip of paper with an address on it.

Tobin noticed that Gabe held her gaze for a while until Pinoe spoke up.

“Not going unless there’s a keg dude. IF there’s not a keg then the party is lame.”

“Damn, I like this kid!” Gabe said to Jrue.

“Of course there’s gonna be a keg blondie so that means you’re the first to do a keg stand.” Gabe says chuckling.

“My name is Pinoe, not blondie and you’re on pretty boy.” When the guys left Pinoe tapped Tobin on the shoulder.

“He’s got his eye on you...that one. Watch out...there’s something about him I just don’t like. It’s just a bad feeling I have. I can see right through people.”

Tobin didn’t know what to make of this. Pinoe had never been bothered by guys even when they were being douche bags like that table of guys in San Francisco, she just laughed it off. Yet here

she was, never serious about anything and she’s telling Tobin to watch out. “Ok dude. I’ll be careful but he’s not into me. I know it.”

“Fuck, you can really be clueless sometimes, huh? Jesus Tobin, if you weren’t so blind....just... never mind. Just promise me you’ll be careful.”

“I promise buddy.” Tobin told Pinoe with a smile and then she put out her hand to perform their secret hand shake.

*******************************************************

Tobin’s first high school party and it had to be on a school night. Of course she was using the ‘sleep over at Lauren’s’ route but Cindy was even reluctant to let her do that. School nights just didn’t work for Cindy when it came to letting Tobin stay at someone’s house. Tobin eventually convinced her saying that they had the same first period together and she wouldn’t even have to worry about dropping her off at school in the morning.

Tobin felt like this was going to be a great night. She was finally back to being almost 100% happy. That part of her was still sectioned off and it was getting easier for it to remain that way.

The girls walked into the party together and Pinoe was soon doing the keg stand that would start the party. The jocks were worshipping her. Tobin laughed as she watched her friend arm wrestling some of the football players and she was actually holding her own. She was so distracted by this that she didn’t even realize that Lauren had already left her for Jrue and was sitting on a couch with him talking. The couples had scattered to the winds and HAO was dancing with some random guy.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Nice, these bitches.)  
“Looks like your friends left you all alone.” Tobin heard someone say behind her. She turned around and saw Gabe standing there with two cups in his hands. “Yea, they are pretty lame.” Tobin said laughing.

“You want one of these?” Gabe said offering a cup of beer to Tobin. Tobin shrugged her shoulders. How bad could it be? Really bad. Tobin wondered how anyone could get used to drinking this foamy slop.

“What kind of beer is this?” Tobin asked mentally waiting to hear the name she would swear off forever. Of course Tobin hadn’t learned the universal truth about beer being beer no matter what brand it was.

“Bud light. You don’t have to drink it. Let’s just leave them here and take a walk outside. The stars look great tonight. It’s too loud in her anyway.”

Pinoe’s warning echoed in Tobin’s head.  
“Uh, or we could just share that couch with my friend and your friend and talk over there.” “Ok cutie, whatever you want.”

Tobin and Gabe made their way over to the couch and sat down. Tobin noticed that Gabe was a little too close to her for her liking but she shrugged it off. He may think she’s attractive but they just met and she knew where to draw the line.

“I’m...I’m sorry for your loss and for bringing it up now but I had to tell you that because you’re speech really made an impact on me the other night.” Tobin blurted out before Gabe could say anything.

She saw his features grow cloudy and his eyes took on a faraway expression and then he was back.

“Oh, yea well thanks. It hasn’t been easy but I’m just trying to carry on like I know they would want me to.”

Tobin’s heart ached and she just wanted to give Gabe a hug but she didn’t know him well enough and too much physical contact that soon might give the wrong impression.

“Well, if you ever need to talk about it, I’m a good listener.” Gabe’s big brown eyes widened a little.

“I usually don’t like to talk about it but I feel like maybe I can trust you.”  
“You can, but you don’t have to talk now. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.”

“Yea, well...they were like my big brothers. They taught me so much about the game and they were always on my side.”

This was one of the times when Tobin had no control over the ‘dark area,’ and a memory surged forward into Tobin’s mind about how safe she felt when she first met Alex. How their bond was so strong and she felt like Alex always had her back...in the beginning. She pushed the memory back in its corner viciously and forced herself to pay attention.

“I just never thought they would be gone. I mean I had already known they would be playing in college but that’s a different gone. That’s a gone where I could go catch a game or go to frat parties with them. Now, their future and lives were stolen from them and there’s nothing left.”

Gabe’s eyes began to fill with tears and Tobin couldn’t stop herself from hugging him this time. She felt so bad for him. He stood up after a while and Tobin stood with him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your night by bringing it up.” Tobin told him sympathetically.

“No, no it’s ok. No one wants to talk about it and it drives me crazy. It’s actually making me feel better to cry it out.” Tobin nodded her head in understanding and then she realized that Gabe had been holding her hand the whole time.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh no, this guy is gonna get the wrong idea. But then again I’m not sure if I’m ready to come out yet. Fuck I didn’t expect to deal with this so soon!)

“Can, can you just come with me out to the patio out back so I can get some fresh air?” Gabe asked with big misty brown questioning eyes.

Tobin saw the anticipation and just nodded yes.

They walked out to the patio and as soon as the door was closed Gabe was on her. He forced his tongue in her mouth and forcefully grabbed her by the wrists. Tobin tried to pull back but he was enormous compared to her small lithe figure and he pinned her between the rail and his body. Tobin squirmed trying to shake herself free.

Tobin was finally able to turn her head away and break the kiss.

“Stop! Please stop.” Tobin pleaded. Gabe immediately let her go.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’ve just been wanting to do that and my emotions are all over the place right now. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just jump on you like that.”

“Jesus Gabe you scared the shit out of me. I think you’re a great guy but we just met and I just want to be friends right now. I hope that’s ok with you.”

“Of course it’s ok Tobin. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s ok. I hope things get better for you. Like I said I’m always here to listen. Just take it slow ok?”

“Yea, or course. Could I get your number? I feel so much better talking things out with you.”

“Sure...sure. I’ll write it down before I leave ok? I’m just gonna go t-to the bathroom right now. I’ll be back.”

Tobin went inside and rushed out the front door. Ashlyn and Ali saw Tobin’s expression and followed her out.

“Hey Tobs! What’s wrong?” Ashlyn yelled before Tobin could walk away.

“N-Nothing. Everything is cool I just want to leave already but I don’t want to bother Lauren. I know her and Jrue are really hitting it off.”

“Seriously, what’s wrong? I know there’s something you’re not telling us.” Ali said taking Tobin’s face between her hands much as she did that night outside their hotel room when she was comforting her about Alex.

“Gabe kissed me suddenly and I didn’t want him to. He gave me no warning and I feel so bad for him because he’s hurting right now but that doesn’t change the fact that my skin is fucking crawling!”

“He needs to get his ass beat.” Ashlyn said. Jaw set tight and teeth gritted.

“No, no he feels real bad. He stopped when I told him too. I just feel bad for him.”

“Tobin babe, I’m glad he stopped when you asked him to but do me a favor and make sure you’re never alone with him again ok?” Ali looked up into Tobin’s eyes and Tobin once again saw that soft sweet expression that she loved about her friend.

“Ok Ali.  You got it.”

“That’s my girl.” Ali said and kissed Tobin sweetly on the cheek.

“Hey hey watch it Heath. Watch it. That’s my girl.” All three of them laughed and Tobin already felt so much better. She felt she had handled the situation as well as it could be handled and no one was hurt. She left the party about 20 minutes later. Ashlyn went inside and informed Lauren about Tobin wanting to leave. Lauren didn’t hesitate in getting Jrue’s phone number and leaving immediately to tend to her friend.

“I really didn’t want to break up your party. I know you were having a good time.” Tobin told Lauren apologetically.

“Don’t be stupid Tobs, You’re my best friend. I would do anything for you. You know that right?”

Tobin smiled and hugged her friend tightly.

“I am so lucky to have you guys as friends.”

“Yea you are, and don’t you ever forget it.” Lauren said with a wink.

****************************************************

The next morning at school when Tobin and Lauren arrived at Tobin’s locker, Tobin found a surprise that turned her world upside down.


	4. The Nightmare

How can someone prepare themselves for this? How do you toughen yourself against a storm that will rage with no known end in sight? How do you protect yourself from the inevitable when you show the world who you really are? With courage, with determination, with strength and with the love of those around you. Those few that will always have your back. You grit your teeth and you push forward through the line.

**********************************************

Tobin’s stomach dropped at the sight waiting for her at her locker. It was ominous, jeering, almost accusatory as if the locker had grown fingers and was pointing straight at her, singling her out from the crowd of students rushing to get to their homerooms. The word “DYKE” in capital letters written in a black permanent marker and scrawled huge all the way across her long blue rectangular locker. Tobin’s heart stopped. Shame and embarrassment flooded her body and she felt like she might cry. Who would do something so horrible and disgusting?

Lauren was livid. She paced back and forth, her curly hair bouncing up and down on her back as she spewed out a long line of curse words. A school police officer approached the pair of teenagers. Tobin was in a daze. She hadn’t registered the bell ringing nor the fact that she might be late to class not to mention make Lauren late as well, she just stood there. The sounds around her muffled and she felt her throat constricting against the tears that she was forcing back down her throat.

“Hey sweety, are you ok? This is horrible and I promise you I will do my best to find out who did this. I’m gonna get the janitor to clean this up right away.” The woman in uniform told Tobin in a soothing, sympathetic voice.

“I hate that fucking word.” Tobin whispered dejectedly as if the woman hadn’t even spoken to her.

Lauren came over and began talking angrily to the police officer. Tobin completely spaced out and paid no attention to the conversation. Soon, the janitor arrived and sprayed a clear liquid on Tobin’s locker. It was this moment that terrified Tobin the most.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Its permanent marker...its not gonna come off. I’m gonna have to get my locker reassigned. How do I know that’s gonna prevent this from happening again. How? Who? No one even knows. This is my business not anyone else’s. IF and when I come out is my choice alone. Now everyone that’s passed by my locker has seen it. I hate that fucking word.)

One moment of terror. This moment where the seconds that ticked by felt like hours as Tobin waited to see if that magical spray bottle would do the trick.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I might as well walk around high school with this horrible derogatory word tattooed on my forehead.)

And then it was gone. The janitor easily wiped it away and it was as if it had never been there. Tobin wished it really had never been there. It was gone. Tobin wished for a magical spray bottle to wipe her memory clean as well but the damage had been done. The artist that decorated her locker had done their job. This was the flavor of her time in this place and the taste was bitter and sickening. Welcome to high school.

She was a freshman in a high school of over 3,000 students. The odds of a mass amount of those students seeing the locker and putting two and two together were slim to none but this did not stop Tobin from feeling exposed and outed. She walked to homeroom with Lauren and a slip of paper with an excuse that the police officer (who had instructed them to call her Sue) had issued them. There wasn’t a soul walking the halls but Tobin still felt so ashamed that she walked with her head hung low behind Lauren, watching her footsteps as guidance. They walked into homeroom in the middle of the announcements and Lauren handed over both of their excuses as Tobin found her desk. Tobin kept her eyes on the floor until she reached her desk. She put her head down immediately and used her arms to shut out the world.

Tobin reflected on this feeling. The result of rejection, discrimination and bigotry. She started to reason that this was only the beginning. If she was to be herself, her true self that this was something she was going to have to deal with from now on. She could either find a way to embrace it and get through it or she could hide it and be miserable for the rest of her life.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’ll just lay low. Hang out with my friends and take it a day at a time. I can’t let this get to me. I just have to push forward as best I can. But...it doesn’t feel ok...not even a little bit)

Tobin felt a piece of paper on one of her hands and peeked out from under her arms at her best friend. Lauren looked down at the piece of paper and then up into Tobin’s eyes, motioning for her to read it.

“You’re amazing Tobin. You are beautiful inside and out and nothing is going to change that especially the fact that you like girls. I don’t know who would do something so horrible but they will pay when Sue finds them. I LOVE YOU babe. You are such a sweet, considerate person. And when you are finally able to share your love with someone they are going to see just how

great you really are. Pick your head up because you are gorgeous and I want to see that face.”

Tobin thought she might cry and once again she had to bury her head in her arms. Just then the bell rang.

********************************************************

Lunchtime with the girls. Lauren kept the incident to herself and so did Tobin. She didn’t want to have to explain why someone would do that. She couldn’t even explain it to herself. During lunch the girls talked about how the party had gone for them the night before. The excitement of Tobin’s first high school experience tainted at the hands of a self absorbed, muscle bound football player raging with hormones and grief. What a lethal combination. So unpredictable and dangerous when adding alcohol to the mix. Tobin just wanted to put that experience and this new nasty surprise from this morning behind her. She wanted this day to be over.

The girls walked out of the cafeteria together and saw the group of popular jocks from the night before standing in a group talking and rough housing right outside the entrance to the cafeteria. Jrue came over right away to greet Lauren. Tobin didn’t even want to look over to the group but she felt compelled to when she heard Ashlyn say, “What the fuck is that dick looking at?” Tobin looked up and saw Gabe looking at her with two other random jocks flanking him. A small group of other guys were spread out loosely around them. Tobin thought she would be polite even though she felt awkward, so she raised her hand to wave at him and gave him a small smile.

Gabe looked away as if he hadn’t seen her. (Tobin’s brain notes: Hmmm, ok. That was weird.)

The group of girls stood around for a bit while Lauren spoke to Jrue. Jrue told Lauren he had something for her in his backpack and started to walk toward the group of jocks. Lauren followed him and tugged Tobin’s hand so she could go with her. When they approached the group Tobin saw Gabe make an over animated face as if he was scared and he hid behind a wall of jocks that happened to assemble as they approached. Tobin’s bewildered expression set the wall of jocks into a state. They all started laughing at her. Tobin felt her face burning up and the feeling she had that morning started making its way back into her heart. She realized what they were trying to imply. That she was chasing him or looking for him and he was hiding from her for some unknown reason as if she had stalked him there. Lauren saw this and immediately told Jrue something in his ear. Jrue nodded and Lauren took Tobin’s hand to lead her away. Before Tobin heard Jrue bitching them out and shutting them up for good, she heard Gabe yell out, “See I knew she was a dyke! Look at her holding hands with that chick!”

The rest of Tobin’s friends had already walked to their classes and she was grateful for that. She knew that if they had witnessed this nightmare that she had wandered into, it might have been worse.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What could be worse than this? Well, we could’ve all been in a fight and been expelled. Maybe someone would’ve been hurt. No, this was better by far. I know for sure that Hope, Ashlyn, Pinoe and definitely Syd would’ve been all over those jocks as if they didn’t out weight them each by at least a hundred pounds. I just feel horrible. I don’t think anyone would notice if I just disappeared into a dark hole for a while, right? No big deal. Just please don’t let this day get any worse. Please God, I don’t think I could take anymore nasty surprises. Knock on wood Tobin.)

Then Tobin had a moment of clarity...it was Gabe that had written that disgusting word on her locker. He had instructed one of his lemmings to do it or he had done it himself. Either way, he was responsible. Tobin wanted nothing more than to lock herself in her room and cry herself to sleep. And later that night, that’s exactly what she did.

She cried endlessly as she lay in her bed, clutching her pillow, wearing a certain pair of boxers she had acquired from the person she wished was holding her right at that moment. It seemed like it had been years since the last time she had seen her face or heard her voice. And in moments of weakness like the state she was currently in, her mind had no way of fighting off what her heart truly wanted. The love and affection of a certain blue eyed teenage beauty.

*******************************************************

Tobin finished off the week avoiding the front end of the science and math wing. It had worked well for her so far and her plans of keeping to herself and taking it a day at a time were also working.

This unfortunately still didn’t help her with her self-confidence. She didn’t want to be popular, she didn’t even want to be seen. She just wanted to survive without having to feel the sting of embarrassment hit her from every angle successfully crippling her into a big heap of nothingness.

Every pair of eyes that remained on her for more than a few seconds felt like a judging eye. Tobin couldn’t shake the feeling of being exposed no matter how hard she tried to hide herself or blend into the crowd. Tobin began focusing only on what was in front of her when she walked the halls or entered a room or even when she walked out to the parking lot to leave school. A habit that she developed quickly and efficiently. This caused some people to think she was stuck up because it always seemed as if she was just too good to acknowledge their presence. Tobin didn’t know she was coming off this way and wouldn’t care if she knew anyway. If anyone was shooting her unsavory glances she would never know and then they could never affect her. Ignorance is bliss. It was working for her and she was slowly coming out of her shell as best she could under the

circumstances. The blinders she wore on a daily basis became her only shelter.

Her English and art classes were bringing out her creative side. She loved her teachers and they appreciated her discipline with schoolwork and participation. Tobin’s creativity was somewhat of a rare species. It worked for more than one aspect of her life. In every avenue she took she always tried to put in her best effort and she enjoyed coming up with different ways to express herself in her schoolwork. She began to make new friends in her classes but she still had a wall built around her heart. She knew she couldn’t prevent people from being conniving and hateful but she could at least try to prevent them from possibly hurting her.

She had also tried out for the volleyball team and made the varsity squad. She had played for two seasons in junior high and the program was still very new to the school so pretty much everyone that tried out made the team. Tobin had been able to convince Pinoe, Cap, Carli, HAO, Ashlyn and Ali to play and they all made the team as well. Lauren opted out at the last minute and told Tobin she was going to try out for the drill team instead. Of course the girls never let her live that one down.

“Hey G, that chick Christen is looking at you dude. I swear if you don’t make a move I’m going to.” Pinoe told Tobin one day during volleyball practice when they had paired up for warm-ups.

The first thing in Tobin’s head was not a positive response by far. Christen was gorgeous and very intelligent. She was quickly becoming one of the most popular freshman in the school and the only reason Tobin could come up with that she might be looking at her is because she had heard certain things about her. Christen was nice enough as far as Tobin could tell. She was in Tobin’s English AP class and always seemed to be really sweet...but those pesky little walls. Tobin refused to bring the walls down unless it was absolutely necessary and that meant that Christen was still a threat.

“Pinoe she’s all yours. I’m not exactly looking for a girlfriend. And since when have I ever said I wasn’t straight?”

Pinoe guffawed and rolled her eyes. Tobin felt the embarrassment immediately rise up inside of her when she saw the rest of the team turn to look at them. The last thing she needed was someone overhearing the conversation.

“Can we please talk about this later? I don’t want the entire team knowing my business.”  
“Oh so there is some business huh? Its ok G. Just embrace it.”  
Tobin felt like she might pass out. She felt the burning stares her teammates were giving her. She

knew Pinoe meant well and she was always like this but Pinoe didn’t know what she had been forced to endure. The empty feelings, the hiding in plain sight, the whispers and snickers she swears she heard every time she walked through the hallways. Pinoe was relentless and Tobin knew there was a good possibility she might continue embarrassing her until she outed her to the entire volleyball team if they hadn’t already heard her secret from one of the most popular football players in school.

Then Ashlyn spiked a ball right at Pinoe’s butt causing the short blonde to yelp in pain. Pinoe turned around while simultaneously rubbing her soar backside and smiled huge at her tall blonde friend. Tobin knew this was the start of some huge mischievous mess that would probably get them all in trouble. The coach had left them unattended for a while and idle hands became the devil’s playground.

They all started throwing, hitting and kicking balls at each other. Of course the soccer players on the team invented the last one. Tobin joined in the fun and started kicking balls at Pinoe when Ashlyn distracted her. Ali stood by and laughed not wanting to get involved. Some of the other players stood with Ali but something caught Tobin’s eye. Christen Press, a girl that Tobin thought might be even more square than she was had refused to sit this one out. And she was excellent with her feet. In fact, she never picked the ball up with her hands at all.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s a fucking soccer player.)

Tobin felt a smile creep onto her face and realized she had been staring for too long so she quickly turned away. Christen pretended not to notice.

The whole exchange ended in a dog pile with Pinoe on the bottom of course and then the coach walked in yelling at everyone to settle down.

Their first game was coming in a week and they were just getting the hang of the difference defensive formations. Most of the team had never played structured volleyball before and they had never played together but they were still a decent team. Ashlyn, Carli, Christen, and sometimes Tobin were up top as spikers and the rest as defensive specialists and setters. One thing they knew for sure was that they were having a great time. Tobin knew she made the right decision by choosing to fill her off-season with this sport.

******************************************************

Next day in English AP Christen decided to turn around from her seat in front of Tobin and introduce herself before the class started.

“Hey, I know we play volleyball together but I wanted to introduce myself officially since we are probably gonna be seeing a lot of each other.” Christen’s blue almost hazel eyes were sparkling above her gorgeous smile and her voice was amicable. Tobin couldn’t help smiling back at her.

“Yea that’s unfortunate isn’t it? You have to put up with me during school AND after school. Sucks to be you.” Tobin said laughing and taking Christen’s soft manicured hand squeezing it softly.

Christen laughed and shook her head.  
“You and your friends are crazy! Did you know them before high school?”

“Uh yea we played soccer together. I love those crazy girls.” Tobin said with a smile. She jerked her head over to Lauren who had her nose stuck in a book.

“This was one over here played soccer with us too...oh and these four idiots sitting in back. Crazy in love.”

Christen looked behind them to find Kelley shamelessly sitting in Hope’s lap as if they weren’t in the middle of English class and Lemew was engaged in a playful conversation that involved whispering to each other with only an inch or so separating their faces, giggling and caressing each other’s arms and hands.

Christen looked at Tobin with a whimsical smile. “They’re cute. Looks like they’ve been together for pretty long.”

“Yea they were this disgusting when I met them but they’ve been this disgusting way before that too.”

Tobin’s heart wrenched in her chest. The memory of a similar joke Alex had told her when she first met the team struck her like a bolt of lightning. Quick, massive and extremely painful. Christen saw the look on Tobin’s face.

“You ok? Do you need to go to the nurse?” Christen’s eye brows were knitted together and her now greenish blue eyes had grown bigger.

“Yea I’m good just got a pain in my stomach all of a sudden. So you play too right? Soccer?” Tobin said quickly trying to cover up the distraction and trying to distract herself at the same time.

“Uhh, y-yea.” Christen was still very concerned.  
“I’m a forward. I’ve been playing on the youth national team for a few years now.”

“Oh, wow. That’s great. We need good strikers on the team. So Christen, do you plan to continue to play in college?”

“Oh hey call me Press or Pressie. Everyone does, especially on the soccer field. To answer your question, yes I definitely plan on playing in college. My dream is Stanford.”

“Well you definitely have the grades for it.” “Oh now you’re just stroking my ego Tobin.”

“No seriously. Kelley wants Stanford too. You two should talk. Kell might look like a dork but she’s wicked smart.”

The two teenagers laughed and then the teacher called the attention of the class and Christen turned around to listen.

“Ms Solo and Ms O’Hara...how many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands to yourselves and your bodies in your own seats?” Mrs. Trevino said with a pointed look at the teenagers.

Tobin couldn’t help laughing a little. She tried to keep it under her breath but she couldn’t and then Mrs. Trevino’s gaze fell on her.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh shit.)

“Ms. Heath? Do you have something you’d like to add to this conversation?”  
“N-No ma’am. Just thinking that if you can find a way to separate those two idiots let me know.” The classroom broke out in a low volume of giggles.  
“Enough!” Mrs. Trevino said with finality causing the giggles to cease immediately.

Tobin chanced a look to the back of the room to find Kelley looking at her with a huge smile shaking her head and Hope glaring at her motioning her right hand across her neck to inform Tobin that she was indeed going to kill her.

Tobin smiled at her friends and winked before turning back around.

After class Tobin waited for Lauren to get her things together and Christen approached.

“Nice to meet you officially Tobin. See you at practice.”

“See ya Press.” Tobin replied with a smile as Christen walked out of the room.

Tobin watched her go and then felt a long muscular arm encircle her neck from behind.

“You’re dead Tobs. You’re so dead!” Hope whispered in Tobin’s ear as she held her in place not putting any real pressure on her neck.

“Ughhhh, uh OH NO! Kelley help me! You’re girl is gonna snap my neck!” Tobin screamed in mock terror.

“Hey you clowns get out of my classroom and go kill each other some where else!” Mrs. Trevino said with a little smile barely able to stifle the giggle she had in her throat.

“Sure Mrs. T!” Kelley yelled enthusiastically. “Come on clowns the circus awaits!” Kelley said jumping dramatically and then skipping out the door idiotically.

This time, Mrs. Trevino did giggle.

“Pinoe was right Tobin. Don’t tell her I said that but its true. You really should make a move on Christen. I’ve seen how she looks at you.” Lauren told Tobin after the last bell had rang and they were walking to the girl’s locker room together.

“I-I’m not ready for that and I hardly know her. I just can’t Lauren. She’s not into me like that!” Tobin said a little bid of annoyance lining her tone.

“I love you babe so I’m gonna ignore your tone for now. But listen...you need to stop feeling like you don’t deserve to be happy or that you’re not good enough for her or any other girl. You need to love yourself Tobin.” Lauren said this and walked out of the locker room after hugging Tobin tightly.

(Tobin’s brain notes: That’s much easier said than done.)


	5. What's the Worst that Could Happen?

Freshman life at Kennedy High became routine. Class, practice, game, homework, class again. Weekends were reserved for family time. Tobin didn’t mind. She saw her friends everyday now and she was never one for talking on the phone anyway so she never really hung out with them on weekends. A few times that Lauren wanted Tobin to go shopping with her or Ashlyn and Ali wanted to see a movie, she would accompany them but other than that, Saturday always started with a practice and ended with family time. Tobin and her father rented movies or went antiquing where Tobin’s father would buy little nick knacks that her mother would scoff at later.

Routine also became a form of comfort. Tobin and Christen slowly got to know each other. Tobin keeping her walls up and Christen trying to coax her out. Tobin was almost 100% sure that she could trust Christen but she still remained guarded because the fear was so paralyzing that she had no other choice. They were nearing the end of volleyball season and Tobin would soon be starting practices filled with dribbling drills and pick and roll variations instead of punishing her body on the hard wood for digs and practicing serves until her arm was numb. But she loved it. Loved the distraction and intensity that came with organized sports.

“So...volleyball is almost over and you’re still not my friend.” Christen said one day while they took the 2-hour bus trip to their next game. There would be two more games after this and then their freshman volleyball season would be over.

“Wha? I thought we were friends! Now I’m sad. All this time I thought we were friends Press and now you’re crushing my dreams. Fucking dream crusher.” Tobin saw the wince in her mind before she even saw it appear on Christen’s face and she immediately regretted adding the last bit to her comment.

Christen Press hated cursing. She didn’t curse and she felt that it was unbecoming of her friends to do so. She never judged them or treated them differently when they did curse but she made sure that they all knew she just didn’t like it. Tobin found it interesting in the beginning. She had practically heard it all her life. NOT in her household of course. Tobin’s parents never so much as uttered a “damn” as far as she could remember. But as soon as Tobin hit school she heard it from the mouths of her classmates and even coaches during summer leagues. It became the only way Tobin knew how to speak when she was not inside the four walls of the Heath residence.

She adapted a similar technique when it came to Press. She wondered for a moment why she even bothered going out of her way to please Christen. None of her other teammates went out of their way to clean up their language around her. When the thought became too complicated to ponder she quickly put it out of her mind. Tobin had for the most part succeeded in pressing the off button on her cursing when she was around Christen much as she did when she stepped foot her in house but sometimes a word would slip by and it was always the same. A little wince from Press and an apology from Tobin that Press would wave off in a “Don’t apologize” type gesture and then it was forgotten. No judging looks, no grudges held, no tallies kept or swear jars, just

forgotten.

“Well, I thought we were friends but you are just pretending Tobin. I feel like I don’t know you as well as your other friends.”

“Well what do you want to know? Ask me whatever you want and I’ll tell you.”

Tobin regretted that sentence as soon as it left her mouth. Not only was it dangerous ground to walk on but it also hurt her to think that this was the same way she had opened up to Alex. No matter how hard Tobin tried to put Alex out of her mind, everything just ended in a comparison to her or memory of her and it actually made her angry.

Before she knew it she was fuming and all of a sudden she didn’t care that Christen wanted to know more about her. That Christen might be interested and Tobin would take that chance if she saw an opening. All of sudden she felt no fear.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She found someone and I deserve to be happy too.)

“I’m serious Press, ask me anything.” Tobin said looking into Christen’s blue eyes as she turned side ways a little so she could face her in the seat she had taken next to her in the bus after Ashlyn suggested it more than once.

“O-ok...um are you sure?”

Christen sounded nervous all of a sudden and Tobin was surprised. Press was never nervous. Her confidence was different from what Tobin was used to seeing. Tobin was fascinated by Christen. She never needed to speak or really even do anything to be noticed. Her abilities and the way she carried herself spoke for her. Her confidence was similar to Hope’s in a sense that they only needed to walk the walk. Talking about their abilities was unnecessary. The only difference was that Press wasn’t as intimidating as Hope. And with that difference alone, they were like night and day. Hope was one of a kind.

Tobin was always used to the loud, brazen confidence of Pinoe. She could not wrap her head around the concept of someone being confident in a humble way.

“Yea, why not? I trust you. Should I not trust you? Cuz I really don’t want to tell you all my deep dark secrets if you’re just gonna find a way to hurt me with them.”

Christen’s eyes filled with concern and sympathy. Tobin mistook this look for pity and quickly began to back pedal. There was only one thing she hated just as much as that colorful word she found on her locker that morning at the start of the school year and it was pity.

“Never mind Press. Just forget it.” Tobin said dejectedly as she turned away from Press trying to get a handle on her emotions. This was not the start of a good friendship. She was fine with keeping her walls. Maybe she would add guard dogs for her sophomore year.

Then Tobin felt Press take her hand lightly and intertwine their fingers holding it with such care that it melted her heart. She was sure if she turned to look at Press that she would find something in her eyes she wasn’t ready to see so she stayed in her position but she didn’t pull her hand away. She wanted Press to know that she didn’t mind the position she was in.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I really don’t mind that she’s holding my hand. It feels great. I can’t believe how much I missed this.)

“I would never hurt you Tobin. I care about you. And who ever hurt you doesn’t deserve you as a friend or anything else.” Press ran her fingers over the top of Tobin’s knuckles lightly as she spoke and Tobin heard the honesty and warmth in her voice. She felt safe but the fear was still very real.

“Ok.” Tobin croaked. She cleared her throat so that the next sentence could be heard.

“I care about you too Christen. More than you know.” And there it was. The first step. She admitted it. She hadn’t even admitted it to herself but she really did like Christen. She was nothing like Alex. Tobin found that peculiar since everything she did was always being converted into something that Alex would or wouldn’t have said, done or thought. Yet, here she was admitting that she really did care about Christen and she might as well be the ‘anti Alex.’ In looks and personality.

Tobin felt Christen’s grip on her hand tighten a little and then she felt her sandwich her hand between two petite, slender, soft palms. Tobin took a deep breath and realized that she was nervous. She began to feel butterflies in her stomach and that confused her. She hadn’t felt this way in a while. Of course it was a different type of feeling. Definitely not as strong or intense but it was there. Low, burning and unmistakable.

“Hey, look at me Tobs. I don’t want to feel like I’m talking to myself.”

Tobin turned around reluctantly and looked into Christen’s beautiful eyes. There was nothing there but intensity. The intensity that Tobin was so used to seeing. That put Tobin back to neutral and eased her nerves.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Tobin laughed shaking her head. “Don’t you think you would’ve seen him by now if I did?”

“No I don’t Press.” Tobin said sobering a little at the slight glare Press was giving her for laughing.

“Well I have a boyfriend and you haven’t seen him yet so yes it is possible Tobin.”

Tobin heard Press but she wasn’t going to and didn’t want to believe it. She covered her embarrassment with a joke.

“Sure you do Press. What would you’re boyfriend think about you holding my hand then?” Press looked down at their hands as if noticing them for the first time.

“I don’t know what he’d think but he doesn’t own me. And it really depends on what holding your hand means Tobin, not the act of simply holding your hand.”

“Well, I don’t know. I’ve never held hands with any of my friends except for Lauren and well... Alex...but you don’t know her.” Tobin’s stomach burst into flames when she heard that name make its way out of her mouth. It came out too easily and it was too late to take it back. It was always a name that was on the tip of her tongue, in the back of her mind, whispered in and around the corners of her soul but she hadn’t uttered those two syllables in so long and now that she felt sick to her stomach she knew why she hadn’t. She wanted to avoid a feeling as sickening and heartbreaking as this.

This was becoming too real for Tobin. The feel of her hand trapped between Christen’s hands. That old familiar feeling of pain and rejection that she felt that day on the phone when she had to witness Alex making out with her girlfriend on the other end of the city. Tobin’s stomach began to fill with anger and bitterness.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Here we go again. I can’t fucking catch a break. Fucking girls and the way they tease.)

they tease.)

“Of course I know her Tobin. We’ve played soccer together on the youth national team. She’s an amazing soccer player. So...you two are close huh?”

“Were close...look I don’t want to discuss this ok?” “Tobin, I thought you said I could ask you anything?”

“Sure you can Press but not before you answer one of my questions. What does it mean? Why are you holding my hand Christen....” Tobin tried to sound even and neutral but she’s never been good at stifling an emotion that is so painful.

Silence.

“Well? Do you have an answer? If you even have to think about what it means then it definitely doesn’t carry the same meaning as it does when I hold Lauren’s hand.”

Silence. One big deep breath from Press and then nothing. Tobin could tell that her body language was indicating that she wanted to say something but nothing ever came out.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’m not gonna stick around for another girl to hurt me. I can’t take another one so soon. I’m putting the walls back up.)

“Ok well I guess you don’t have an answer. Look, just let...let me go and...I just need to...I need to switch...” Tobin looked around frantically for a way out of the situation. For an empty seat or any other seating arrangement she could muster under the stress of her emotions.

“.....with Carli!” Tobin yelled so her friend could hear her.

She yanked her hand away from Christens and walked to the back of the bus where Carli sat next to HAO in front of Ali and Ashlyn.

“Dude, just please don’t ask any questions. Switch me seats.”

Tobin could’ve kissed Carli for how great she was being when she got up from her seat without hesitation and gave her seat up to Tobin. She must’ve seen the look on her face and didn’t want to add to that pain.

The rest of her friends all had concerned expressions on their faces. As soon as Tobin sat she said, “Please don’t ask. I just want to forget it ever happened.”

Once again she had to give herself the pep talk that was reserved for these situations. It had practically become her mantra by this point.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s out of my league. I could never have her anyway. She’s taken and SHE’S STRAIGHT. No use in feeling bad over someone you never had a chance with.)

The game went by and Tobin tried her best to stay away from Christen.

After the game the team walked to the bus in little groups. Tobin stuck by Ali and Ashlyn. She felt at peace with her friends. She never had to wonder what their motives were and she loved every single one of them for their loyal friendship.

Before they reached the bus Pinoe ran up to them yelling something the three friends couldn’t make out.

“What happened you spaz?!” Ashlyn asked Pinoe shaking her head.

“This bitch on the other team wants to start some shit with me. She was just elbowing me in the crowd! I don’t know what her fucking problem is.”

Tobin’s anger and frustration boiled up inside her throat and she stepped in front of Pinoe. She suddenly felt like she needed this. She needed this distraction and if it turned into a fight then it did. She just didn’t care anymore.

“Which bitch Pinoe. I have your back.”

“Me too.” Ashlyn spoke up. Ali yanked Ashlyn’s arm clearly not pleased with her involvement. “Its ok Ash. I know Ali doesn't want you involved. I got this one dude.”

Ali scoffed. “I don’t want any of you idiots involved! Pinoe, let it go. We won and they are just sore about how bad they lost. Let it go.”

“Fuck that Ali. She has no right to be putting her hands on my friend.” Tobin said through gritted teeth.

“Jesus Christ Tobin...think about what you’re doing. Don’t bring your anger into this. Don’t. It’s not worth it. Someone could really get hurt.” Ali said lightly taking Tobin’s face in her hands and looking her in the eye.

“Yea like anyone that fucks with my friends.” Tobin replied stubbornly and with an air of determination that none of them had ever heard before.

Before Ali could say anything else, a girl came stalking out of the crowd in front of the gym toward the group of friends.

“There she is that bitch.” Pinoe said.

The girl had short blonde hair and Tobin could tell she was an athlete but she clearly wasn’t a volleyball player. She hadn’t seen her on the bench or in the game.

“What the fuck is your problem? You think you can try to talk to any girl you fucking want? Casey is my girlfriend. She’s taken and if you go near her again I’ll hurt you.” Pinoe laughed and the rest of the group groaned knowing that Pinoe had gotten herself into this mess.

Pinoe shook her head. “That’s what this is about? Trust me, your girl wasn’t acting like she was taken. She was flirting with me. Maybe you should go talk to her cuz she never told me she had a girlfriend and if she did I MIGHT have considered leaving her alone. MIGHT. Other than that I can talk to who ever the fuck I want to talk to. Its called America you know. I’m free and all that shit so go now before we tear you a new one.” Pinoe said motioning to Tobin and Ashlyn.

The girl looked at Ashlyn. Ali stood in front of her shaking her head softly trying to will this unknown girl not to start any trouble. The girl shook her head and chuckled clearly not intimidated by Ashlyn with Ali standing in front of her even though Ashlyn was twice her size and her muscle mass was well developed from years of soccer.

Then she chanced a glance at Tobin. Tobin was nothing compared to Ashlyn when it came to size but what she lacked in size she made up for in endurance and intensity. She was angry and frustrated and she wanted this nameless girl to give her a reason. She just needed one little trigger and she knew it would be over for this girl who dared enter her circle of friends barking threats.

The girl must have seen the intensity and promise in Tobin’s eyes and Tobin could see a look of defeat on her face. It was over.

“Remember what I said blondie.” She said as she walked away.

“Whatever, stop spending all that money on your ugly wardrobe and use it to get your teeth fixed!” Pinoe yelled out laughing.

The girl stopped in her tracks.

Ali pushed Ashlyn in the direction of the bus with strength that none of them knew she had. She grabbed Pinoe painfully by the arm and pushed Tobin with her free arm urging them to get on the bus before the girl turned around again. Pinoe laughed maniacally trying to get a glimpse of the girl over Ali’s shoulder.

They finally managed to get on the bus without further incident. Pinoe couldn’t stop laughing and soon she had Tobin laughing right along with her. The adrenaline that had assaulted Tobin’s senses was still buzzing in her veins and it began to fade with every minute she spent laughing with Pinoe.

“Damn buddy, what the fuck am I gonna do with you? Dude that chick better have been worth it. We could’ve got kicked off the team.” Tobin told Pinoe still giggling.

“Every girl is worth something dude...even you.” Pinoe said putting her hand out so Tobin could help her complete their handshake.

“She was hot though, but dude I swear she was all over me!”

“I believe you dude.” Tobin replied truthfully. If there was anyone she knew that could talk her way into any situation with any girl, or really just any situation in general, it was Pinoe. Gay, Straight, bi and everything in between. Pinoe usually got what she wanted. She was quick on her feet on and off the field and she was a charmer. She was extremely attractive and her smile was infectious. She was hilarious and unselfish and everyone just gravitated toward her. But what Tobin admired and envied the most about her friend was her confidence. There were other attractive girls in school but Pinoe’s confidence was unmatched. Pinoe’s confidence and sense of humor were her two most beautiful and captivating traits.

“Hey dude, sit with me. I have an idea for another song.” Pinoe said yanking Tobin’s jersey.

Just then Tobin caught Christen’s eye and she stood motioning for her to sit with her. Christen’s blue eyes softened as she pleaded. Tobin stood staring and weighing her options.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Sit with Pinoe and laugh my ass off for two hours or sit with Press and deal with feeling rejected and stupid for two hours...uh yea. I’m going with option A.)

Tobin turned to sit next to Pinoe but it was too late. Pinoe had seen the exchange between Press and her friend and she began to push Tobin lightly but firmly toward the back of the bus. When Tobin didn’t budge she began to push her harder. Tobin always wondered how someone so compact could be so strong but there was no mistaking it. The third push from Pinoe almost made her trip over her own feet.

“Go, GO dude. What are you waiting for? Are you crazy? She’s hot and she wants you over there. Get it dude. You deserve it. You had a great game. Let me know how it goes.” Pinoe said giggling and winking at Tobin.

Tobin rolled her eyes and pushed Pinoe back once before reluctantly making her way to the back where Christen sat waiting for her.

Tobin sat without looking at Christen and took a deep breath. “Is there something you needed?”  
Walls firmly in place, heart guarded by a four man recon team.

“Tobin, I want to be your friend. I held your hand because I care about you. I don’t understand how I feel other than that. All I know is that I care about you and I don’t want to let anyone hurt you.”

“Your sweet Christen but I can take care of myself. I’m not a child.”

“That’s not what I mean. I just don’t know how to explain how I feel.” Christen’s voice was full of desperation.

“See its kinda funny how people just want to protect me all the time like I’m this fragile little thing that needs protection. If you want to be friends that’s cool. We can be friends. I thought we were friends before but I guess it wasn’t enough for you. If we can just be friends without it getting complicated, it will be fine. Just don’t complicate things Press. I really like our arrangement. We discuss sports and school and whatever else I discuss with people that I trust just enough not to hurt me but I guess I’m just not ready for you to really know the real me.”

Tobin felt defeated. Her anger deflated and now she was just exhausted. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Those six words. That wasn’t the first time she had heard that phrase. She tried to will her mind to only focus on Christen but it was impossible to block Alex out and she heard the phrase repeated in her mind in Alex’s raspy voice. Those six infamous words, so contradictory to this precarious situation. Indicating the fear of loss but still lacking those few elements that would make her stay. That would make Tobin open up. Not for lack of eagerness but for lack of worthy candidates. And of course the lack of confidence never helped.

“I’m still here Press.” Tobin said with a sigh.

“I’ll always be here for you. Just...give me some time ok? I’m just not ready to open up. I want to trust you I’m just not ready. But you have my friendship and my loyalty. Is that enough?”

“I’ll take whatever your willing to give me.” Christen said with a small smile. **************************************************

The school year moved along quickly. Tobin’s basketball season was riddled with losses and disappointment but she still managed to score more points in a season than she had ever scored playing for any other team.

Before the girls knew it, they were nearing the end of their Christmas break. The team had already had practices and tryouts but hadn’t found out who made the soccer team yet. Coach Mitts had informed them that the names would be posted when they returned from Christmas break.

The first day back at school Tobin and the group of friends she had made playing the sport she had fallen in love with stopped by the girl’s locker room before reporting to their homerooms in the morning.

“Shouldn’t you girls be in your home rooms right now?” Coach Mitts yelled springing out from behind the lockers causing every last girl to jump and some to let out little screams.

“Jesus coach, are you trying to kill us!?” Pinoe said shaking her head.

“No but your teachers will kill me when they find out that you were all late for class because you were all in here.”

“Or...you could just write us some excuses.” Pinoe said smiling big and giving Coach Mitts her old elevator eye trick.

Tobin couldn’t believe that Pinoe was trying her flirting tricks on the coach. Tobin would’ve just waved it off any other day. Pinoe flirted with everyone but this was different. Pinoe had been captivated by the coach from the first time she saw her at the first practice. She didn’t waste any time in staking her claim and voicing her intentions to Tobin and Ashlyn.

Pinoe: “Dude oh my God...this coach is so fucking gorgeous! I want her.”  
Ashlyn: “Ha! I’m sure half the school wants her dude calm down. She’s married isn’t she?” Pinoe: “Married with a kid...who cares. There’s something about her. I have to have her

dude.”

Tobin: “Ok buddy, good luck with that.”

There was no doubt Heather Mitts was beautiful. She had long straight blonde hair and gorgeous pink lips. Her smile was captivating and she was funny. The perfect woman. But Pinoe was barking up the wrong tree. Straight and married with a child. Who could snag a member of the faculty and the coach of the year for the last 5 years anyway?

“You all made the team anyway, yes even you Miss Rapinoe so you can go to your classes now.” Coach Mitts said with a smile and what looked like a little mischievous side ways glance toward Pinoe. Tobin thought she was imagining things since she knew that Pinoe had it bad for the coach but it didn’t go unnoticed by Pinoe.

They all took off in a dead sprint to their respective homerooms. Kelley riding on Hope’s back, Syd and Kristie racing each other and trying to hold the other back, Ali and Ashlyn holding hands, HAO and Pinoe skipping like over grown children, Carli and Cap walking without a care in the world and Tobin and Lauren running side by side laughing the whole way. They all made the team and other than two returning seniors and Press, they’re original soccer team made up the bulk of the varsity squad.

“Can’t wait to tell Press she made it. Coach Mitts isn’t stupid. She knows she’s talented.” Tobin told Lauren when they finally made it to class and collapsed in their desks just in time for the bell to ring.

“Yea we need her. We have too much competition at McClendon. We got this though. Two strikers can’t carry the whole team and you know Hope has the goal on lock down.”

The two teenagers talked excitedly about the team throughout the entire class. Tobin couldn’t be happier to have made the varsity squad in a high school that was known for sending their soccer team to the state playoffs every year.

“Hey, are you still gonna play softball? How are you gonna swing that?”

“I don’t know I have to talk to both coaches but I think I should skip out for my freshman year since I didn’t make the varsity softball team.”

“Oh shit, really? That’s weird. You’re really good Tobin.”

“Not really weird when you have like four players who made first team all state last year. They have an amazing team. I can wait for my sophomore year.”

“You know you’re gonna have to face her right? Its only two district matches and maybe a tournament. I won’t leave your side.”

“Thanks L. I’ll be ok. As long as I got you guys I think I can get through it. What’s the worst that could happen?”


	6. Harmonizing of Events

“Tobin you have to make sure your first touch is controlled before you try to do anything else with the ball. First thing’s first. You have to be patient. You have a hell of a talent kid but that isn’t worth shit if you don’t work your ass off to get better every day. This is a high level of play. Can you handle it? Come on. Let’s go Heath. Get your head out of your ass. I expect a lot more outta you. Don’t disappoint me.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck fuck fuck, don’t fuck this up Tobin.)

“Why the fuck is coach always riding Tobin?”

“Ash shut up before she hears you and makes us run sprints.”

“Babe seriously. Tobin is always busting her ass and it’s never good enough for Mittsy.” “Eh she’s just stressed. I think she’s been fighting with her husband.”

“How the hell would you know Pinoe?”

“Don’t worry about it pup...I have my ways.”

“I don’t care if she’s not getting any. That doesn’t give her a right to be a bitch to Tobin.”

“She rides all of us like that. We just don’t take it as seriously as Tobin does.”

“Ashlyn and Megan you can start your sprints early tonight since you have so much energy in those motor mouths. Run now and we will join you later for team sprints.”

“FFFUUUUU...”

“What was that Megan?”

“Coach I told you to call me Pinoe and...nothing...I didn’t say anything.”

“That’s what I thought.....Pinoe.”

“Dude...dude...Ash, did you hear that? She loves me. I know it.”

“Shut up and run dude. You got us in trouble.”

“Wha?! You were talking too grandma! Come on. Let’s make her feel stupid by smoking these sprints.”

“You can smoke them dude. I’m just gonna jog it. Go ahead. You’re doing great.”

Tobin was excited and eager to start the soccer season. She itched to step foot onto the pitch and she couldn’t wait to see if she still had the dynamic she developed during her first season of soccer. She had her friends with her and they had all played on national teams over the summer so she was eager to learn from them even if she played a supporting role. She thought it was the perfect way to close out the year.

There were two returning seniors but they never really got any playing time. They had made it onto the varsity squad only because their parents put in a complaint with Coach Mitts arguing that seniors should not spend their last year in high school playing on a JV squad.

Coach Mitts was not afraid to do what she had to do for the good of the team and this included pissing off a few parents but this was an easy fix. She would keep them on varsity but that didn’t mean she had to play them.

Then there was Marta, who was one of three juniors on the squad. Tobin admired her speed and ability to thread holes through the defense. She was one of the fastest and most talented strikers in the state. Tobin was glad they didn’t have to face her on an opposing team.

Carm and Valerie were the other two juniors and they were solid defenders. In front of Hope and standing alongside Ali, Cap and Kelley they formed a solid blockade in front of and in goal that was impossible to penetrate. Carm was explosive and brutal never hesitating to sacrifice her body and her size alone was intimidating to any oncoming traffic. Valerie was an expert at filling open slots. They were so experienced standing in front of Hope that it was almost a sixth sense at this point. Hope felt like these two defenders could read her mind or sense what she wanted without even having to be told. They were creative on the ball which worked well with the dynamic the team had going for them in the midfield.

“God dammit Heath. If you’re gonna use your chest to trap you have to absorb the impact! That ball should not be bouncing...fuck...what am I gonna do with you freshman?! Anticipate the impact. Control Heath. The more control you have on the ball, the better you can manipulate the movement and then you can manipulate the defense. Get the little shit down and you will be unstoppable. I want you faking the shit out of them. If they aren’t on their asses at least once while you’re in it’s on YOUR ass. Get your shit together!”

All the excitement was being drowned out by this stress. Coach Mitts seemed to single Tobin out excessively. Tobin knew she had a lot of catching up to do but she began feeling so stressed that the game wasn’t fun anymore. So much pressure and she had only managed to play a few minutes in each of their first three games. Tobin never liked riding the bench. Her friends were always wondering why the coach was riding her so hard but all Tobin cared about was getting better. If getting yelled at by the coach meant that she would push herself harder to get better than she wasn’t going to complain.

Tobin’s mother was able to catch the first two games and was harder on Tobin than the coach was. After the second game, the two rode in silence all the way home but Cindy let Tobin have it as soon as they crossed the threshold of the Heath house.

“I’m not gonna go to the games if you can’t even play well enough for the coach to put you in for more than five minutes. If you want to play, you have to do better than that. Maybe you should just quit because your performance is ridiculous. You should just play softball. At least you would get playing time because you’re horrible at soccer. It looks like you don’t even care. When you get the ball at your feet you need to move toward the goal right away. Why do you hesitate so much?!”

Tobin never talked back to her mother. She just took the words as much as they hurt and used them as fuel to get better. She did, however, find the critiquing from her mother comical. Her mother knew nothing about soccer and had never played in her life yet she was trying to give her advice. Everything her mother said was contradicting the instruction that coach Mitts had given her.

The match against McClendon High was coming up in three days. McClendon and Kennedy were rival schools and the team knew that the stands would be full of loud passionate fans. On top of all this, Tobin had to face Alex again. All she could think was that she was going to ride the bench the whole game and it was going to be embarrassing because she knew Alex would play every minute. Tobin found a small amount of solace knowing that Ashlyn and Kristie would be on the bench with her. They were usually subbed in for the second half so Tobin was grateful that at least she had them to sit with. Tobin wasn’t expecting to be subbed in at all during such an important game. Valerie would be subbed in for Kelley as well so she along with both ‘non- playing’ seniors would also be on the bench. The seniors had no chance at any playing time unless there was a catastrophe and a mass amount of Kennedy players were injured.

The practice was finally winding down and the team joined Ashlyn and Pinoe for sprints.

“So ladies...tired yet?” Coach Mitts asked a visibly winded Ashlyn and a smug looking Pinoe.

“Nope, this aint shit. We got this. I’m not even tired.” Pinoe said before Ashlyn could reply. Ashlyn looked over at her short blonde friend with a wide eyed and slack jawed expression that resembled a living cartoon.

“Oh really? Ok, then you two will run 10 more after you run with us and I’m timing those. Welcome to the varsity team ladies.”

“Hey coach...Pinoe is only speaking for herself. I’m...I’m exhausted!” Ashlyn was barely able to get the sentence out through ragged breathing.

“You should teach your friend how to keep her mouth shut then Ashlyn. By the time I’m done with you, you two will be ready for the track team next year.”

Ashlyn glared at Pinoe. Pinoe kept running without a care in the world.

After practice Ashlyn pinned Pinoe on the ground so the rest of the team could pile on top of them. This was Pinoe's form of punishment.

“I’m gonna fart on all of you whores! Just wait. I have a real good one brewing right now!” This caused the team to quickly disperse.

“Works every time.” Pinoe said with a grin and a wince as she rubbed her lower back.

****************************************************

The practice before the game came around and the coach told the team that they would have a light practice. A little 5 v 5 and going over defensive and offensive formations to make sure everyone knew their jobs.

Right after practice broke coach Mitts called Tobin into her office.

“Dude you want me to wait around for you?” Pinoe asked with a little smirk.

“Nah, I’m good Pinoe you dumbass. You can go.” Tobin said with a little chuckle and she put her hand out to perform the handshake.

“Blocking dude, you’re blocking.” The two teenagers laughed and then Tobin made her way into the coaches’ office.

Tobin was a little nervous. The only one on one interaction she had had with the coach was when she was riding her on the field. This time she would be alone and she didn’t know what to expect.

(Tobin’s brain notes: God I hope she doesn’t bump me down to the JV squad)

“Sit down Tobin.”

Tobin sat without a word twiddling her thumbs and waiting for the coach to finish marking off something in her note book.

“So Tobin...I wanted to have a talk with you. I know I’ve been a little hard on you from the beginning but there’s a reason for that. I see so much potential in you. You could be really amazing on the field. I see you becoming one of the best on the team but you lack the  
confidence. I can see that you have an ability and skill level that’s better than any other midfielder on my team. You could dominate. What could I do to make things easier on you? I’ve tried everything and I can see you on the verge of breaking through but yet here you are subbing in for a few minutes when you could be starting and finishing the game. What are you missing? What’s missing in the Tobin Heath equation?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Alex Morgan.)

“I don’t know coach. I love the game and I love to play but I feel like my head is hitting the ceiling and I can’t find a way to break through. I work on my game constantly when I’m not here. I want to get better. Just...don’t give up on me coach. I can do this.”

“I believe you Tobin. I really do and I think I know what you need. The only way you are going to break out is if you are forced to. I’m starting you tomorrow. I know it’s a big step but I think if you felt the pressure to deliver you would have no other choice but to deliver. You understand? I believe in you Tobin. It’s nothing personal when I’m hard on you. I hope you know that.”

“I know coach. Don’t worry about it. I will leave everything on the field. Thank you for this opportunity.”

“I think you can handle it Tobin...just believe in yourself the way I believe in you. You’ll do fine. Now get out of here and get some sleep. Oh, and tell your friend Megan that she needs to stop skipping class or I’ll cut her ass. I don’t care how good she is.”

“Yes ma’am.” Tobin said trying to hold back a smirk. Pinoe thought she had been getting away with skipping class but Coach Mitts seemed to know everything going on in the lives of her soccer players. Tobin figured it was just one of the reasons Coach Mitts had been so successful.

Tobin walked out of school that night feeling as light as a feather. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She realized that the pressure to perform had caused her to forget how she fell in love with the game. She knew in that moment that coach Mitts was right. This is what she needed.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I may not be the best midfielder on the team but at least for this one game I can try to prove that I’m on my way....and I don’t have to be embarrassed that I’m riding the bench.)

Tobin decided to keep the information to herself when she got in her mother’s car to go home. Cindy had already told Tobin that she wasn’t going to anymore games until she saw Tobin’s stats in the newspaper the day after a game. Tobin didn’t want the added pressure of her mother watching her anyway. She needed a stress free environment. She would be facing a girl she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about for almost 3 years and she was starting in her first varsity game against Kennedy high’s rival. She needed to be 100%.

******************************************************  
Game day. Kennedy High school. The first real test for Coach Mitts’ dream team.  
Locker room before pre game warm ups.

“Listen up ladies! This is the starting lineup and I swear if I hear any comments from the peanut gallery you’re gonna be running sprints for me after the game until the sun comes up.”

After the little incident Pinoe and Ashlyn had had with Coach Mitts, everyone knew she was serious.

“Hope will be in goal. Defenders, Kelley, Ali, Carm and Cap. My middies will be Heath, Cheney, Pinoe and Syd. Forwards...Marta and Press. This game is no different from your first 3. Keep doing what you have been doing and we will dominate. Keep it tight. Defenders remember you are dealing with two of the best strikers in the state. Don’t sleep on them. DO NOT let up. I want you to frustrate the shit out of them. Don’t even let them breathe! If they get in the danger zone and you aren’t all over them, I will be all over you. Trust me, you don’t want that....right Pinoe?”

“Yes ma’am.” Pinoe replied with a flirtatious smirk.

“Now get out there for warm ups.”

Walking onto the field for the first time was the most nerve wracking part of the game for Tobin. She knew the McClendon team would already be there and she knew who would be with them. She had gone over her plan time and time again. She knew what she had to do. Stay focused. She was going to pretend that the opposing team didn’t even exist. She would take her blinders to the next level. She couldn’t chance a look in that direction no matter how bad she wanted to. She knew that Alex would have to come pretty close to get within talking distance anyway so she wasn’t too worried about it. Cheney walked right up to Tobin before they walked out onto the field where the sun was just starting to set. The evening was cool with a light breeze and Tobin felt great.

“You ready for this? She’s starting you Tobs. This is great! Stick with me love. You’ll be ok.”

“I’m cool Lauren. I can do this.” Tobin’s statement had a double meaning but she didn’t have to tell Lauren that. Her best friend already knew that Tobin would not only be mastering nerves as a starter but also as a heartbroken teenager. She wasn’t going to leave her side.

The team started their first stretches but before Tobin could get down into the stretch Christen ran at her in a full sprint and jumped right into her arms. Tobin managed to catch her as Christen wrapped her legs around Tobin’s slender waist.

“You’re starting babe! This is so great! I’m so happy that you’re gonna be in there with me! I need some Tobin magic!” Christen said excitedly as she pulled Tobin in placing a light kiss on her cheek.

Tobin felt her face heat up immediately and then even more when she realized that this was the most body contact she had ever had with Christen. Tobin’s lanky arms were underneath Christens' butt holding her up and Tobin couldn’t stop thinking about how many times she and Pinoe had admired Christens’ backside. Tobin felt the blush start to creep to her neck and she knew that there was no way Christen wasn’t going to notice her embarrassment. The weight of Christens’ body in her arms and the feel of her hands linked together at the nape of her neck was intoxicating.

“Watch it there super star. There are kids watching. Let’s try to keep it PG 13.”

Tobin felt as if all the blood in her body had sunk down to her feet at the sound of the raspy voice behind her.

Alex.

Tobin was frozen. She saw the look on Christens’ face and she didn’t know what to make of it. There was definitely recognition but that ever present intensity never went away and it seemed as if that intensity was slowing growing into a fire. Christen slowly unlocked her legs from around Tobin’s waist so she could stand in front of her. Christen’s eyes were fixed on the blue eyed teenager standing behind Tobin but she didn’t move from her spot and she didn’t bother to move away from Tobin’s body either. Their chests were still touching. There was silence. Not a word spoken among the three of them.

“Oh shit dude. Press looks like a lioness that won’t give up a carcass. And that is one skinny ass carcass. This shit is going down. You know Alex isn’t gonna go back to her team until she talks to Tobs. Hey Chen I think you should say something.”

“No Pinoe. Tobin can handle this. Just let it be.”

“And mind your business Pinoe. Give them some fucking privacy.” Ashlyn whispered as she pulled Pinoe further away from the three teenagers.

The minutes of silence that passed seemed like hours and Tobin could feel Alex burning a hole in the back of her neck. Tobin closed her eyes and hung her head trying to find the strength to turn around and face those piercing blue eyes. Then finally....

“Alex...good luck today. You’re gonna need it.” Press said giving Alex a polite nod. Then she turned her attention to Tobin again. Tobin’s eyes were still closed and she felt Press’s fingertips under her chin lifting her head. Tobin opened her eyes to find Press giving her a questioning look. A concerned look that spoke a thousand words. She was going to give Tobin privacy but not if she didn’t want her to leave. Tobin understood and gave a slight nod of her head hoping that Christen would feel reassured by her expression.

“Congratulations babe. Hurry up before coach makes us run.” Christen said smiling sweetly and running her hand lightly down Tobin’s cheek caressing her soft tan skin.

“Ok Press. I’ll be there in a sec.” Tobin said in a voice that seemed small as if it was being heard through the vibrations of a kid’s paper cup phone with miles of string separating her body from this nerve wracking moment. Goose flesh broke out in waves assaulting Tobin’s body disappearing and reappearing as if her nervous system couldn’t decide what temperature it was.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Get it together Tobin. You can do this.)

Christen finally turned her back and walked away leaving Tobin alone, standing with her back to the one girl that had managed to steal her heart during their first meeting.

“Hi Toby.” Sadness, longing and guilt ridden raspiness is all Tobin could hear. Once again, Tobin’s sight was impaired so her other 4 senses were heightened and there was no mistaking the emotion behind Alex’s greeting.

Tobin turned around to find an Alex Morgan that had not only grown a few inches but had grown so beautiful that Tobin could barely breathe.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Just when I thought it wasn’t possible for her to be any more gorgeous than she already was...she pulls this on me. Puberty.)

Alex’s hair was a shade lighter and her skin was very tan. The few inches she had acquired provided a look of grace and elegance from her neck line all the way down her tan muscular legs. Her build was leaner and the swell of her breasts rose slightly under her warm up kit.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Breasts...she...oh god don’t stare. Focus...up higher Tobin...nope not her throat...there you go.)

Tobin was in a trance. Throat dry and out of breath.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh my god I know I look like shit right now. No makeup, hair is a mess... I’m so fucking stupid. Why didn’t I pay more attention to what I was doing when I got dressed?)

Alex fiddled with her hands and took nervous glances between the midfielder and the ground at her feet waiting for Tobin to speak.

“Hey Lex. Long time no see.”

Alex looked up with a fierce longing in her eyes that was so powerful that Tobin couldn’t hold her gaze. Then she was there in Tobin’s arms. She closed the gap between them with a speed that only someone like Alex could muster and she hugged Tobin with a grip so tight that she could barely breathe. Tobin didn’t mind. She knew that she would be just as out of breath if Alex wasn’t squeezing her that tight anyway.

“I..I missed you so much.” Tobin heard the slight tremble in Alex’s voice and immediately felt her heart drop. Tobin wrapped her arms securely around Alex’s waist and took in the feeling of solidity. This was really happening. Alex was in her arms and the smell of lilac and perfume and the familiar unique scent of Alex’s skin was making her re-live all the nights she fell asleep with this beauty in her arms and all the mornings she woke up with Alex’s leg around her waist or half her body on top of her.

“I missed you too Lex.” Tobin whispered not because she wanted to but because she found she couldn’t speak louder than a whisper at the moment. It might’ve been the lack of air from the hug or from the overwhelming sense of love that was so thick in Tobin's throat she felt that it must be close to closing off her air way all together.

“I’m sorry if this gets you in trouble with your girlfriend, I just missed you so much.”

Alex spoke never loosening her grip and the teenagers continued their conversation in the same manner. Faces concealed by the embrace and emotions running high.

“My girlfriend? I don’t have a girlfriend Alex but you do. I think you should be more worried about that.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Can’t you see that it’s always been you? You are all I have ever wanted Alex.)

“Well, if Christen Press isn’t your girlfriend she wants to be Toby. It’s not hard to see that.”

“Me and Press are friends and she has a boyfriend. What does it matter anyway?” Tobin spoke quickly without thinking. She knew if she weighed any of her words down with thoughts there simply would be no words.

“Then I’m not sorry if this gets you in trouble.”

“Tell the truth Alex, you weren’t really sorry when you said ‘sorry’ anyway.”

“All this time apart and you can still read me like a book.”

“You think Press is easy to read...you’re easier. You little slut. You’re too easy.” Tobin said chuckling softly. She was giddy and unbelievably happy. Alex may be taken but this was her moment. She was in HER arms right now. Not in Emily’s.

“You need to let go now before YOUR girlfriend starts some trouble.”

“No Tobin. I don’t want to let go...and...I don’t have a girlfriend. We broke up.”

Tobin couldn’t be sure but she thought she heard a smile in Alex’s voice as she said each word of a sentence that she thought she would never hear.

“Well, I’m sorry. Are you ok?”

“Now who’s sorry isn’t genuine?” Alex said with a giggle as she finally pulled away from Tobin to face her head on. Alex’s eyes were glossy and it seemed as if tears could fall down her cheeks at any second.

“Hey, hey are you ok? Was it a bad break up? She didn’t hurt you did she? If she hurt you....”

“No..no Toby...calm down.” Alex said caressing Tobin’s face and staring at her features with hungry blue eyes as if this was the last time she would ever see Tobin in the flesh.

“I’m just so fucking happy to see you. You have no idea. Me and Em are cool. It was a mutual thing. Not a bad break up.”

Alex could barely keep from attacking Tobin’s lips but she knew she had to hold back. Not the right time or place and she didn’t want to get rejected by this girl before a game. That would destroy her.

(Alex’s brain notes: Why does she have to be so fucking cute? She’s flawless and she doesn’t even try. How does she do that? Fuck I gotta let go before I rip off her clothes right here. She feels so good.)

“Hey, I think I see Mitts coming. I better let you get back to your team before she tears you a new one. I know she can be a bitch on wheels. I’m getting YOUR number before I leave tonight. If you take it easy on me during the game I’ll think about calling you.” Alex said biting her lip and looking at Tobin’s slightly disheveled appearance with a hunger that was insatiable.

“Fat chance Morgan...but you’ll call me anyway. You missed me too much.”

“Why do you always have to be right?” Alex said as she leaned forward and placed her forehead against Tobin’s. Alex took a deep breath and closed her eyes committing this monumental moment to memory.

Alex kissed Tobin on the cheek and finally made her way back to her team turning around once to take one last look at the tan midfielder who was still locked in a trance staring at her retreating figure.

“Hey Heath...you think you might want to join your team now? That’s if you’re sure you’re done making googly eyes at the competition. Don’t let me interrupt that.” Coach Mitts had indeed arrived.

The entire team burst into laughter led by the loud braying that Pinoe reserved especially for moments like these. To help cause complete and utter embarrassment but Tobin was too far up in the clouds to even care.

After so long, after so many frustrating ‘almosts’ and ‘what ifs’ it was finally happening. The perfect harmonizing of events. The opportunity, the availability and all that was left was the execution of the first move.


	7. All my life I've waited...

_“I’ve waited all my life to cross this line to the only thing that’s true. So I will not hide its time to try anything to be with you. All my life I’ve waited, this is true.”_

_-Ryan Cabrera_

 

“How we doing Tobs?” Pinoe asked as Tobin finished up her stretching and paired up with her for warm ups. Pinoe wore a knowing smirk and she pat Tobin on the back roughly to snap her out of the trance she was in. Tobin didn’t seem to notice.

“Uh..I’m good dude. I’m great.” Tobin replied whimsically.

“Oh shit...this is gonna be a great game. Can’t wait to see you out there. You look like you just jizzed your shorts!” Pinoe was clearly amused with the situation. The look on Tobin’s face was priceless. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes glazed over in ecstasy.

“Dude, are you hearing anything I’m saying...dude...wha...” Pinoe turned around to see what Tobin had her eyes on and of course she saw that Alex was in the middle of her warm ups with the same look crossing her features. Pinoe shook her head and laughed. She waved over at Alex and it took a few seconds for Alex to even register that she was waving at her since she was still locked in a lingering gaze with Tobin.

When Alex finally came to her senses and waved back Pinoe turned around and continued warming up.

“Dude you need to focus. Mittsy is gonna be pissed if she sees that you are too distracted to play right because you and Alex can’t stop eye fucking each other.”

“She...I can’t believe how different she looks.” Tobin said in a far away voice as if she hadn’t heard Pinoe’s warning at all. She really hadn’t.

“Yea dude, Alex has always been a 10 but she really did grow up didn’t she?”

When Tobin didn’t answer, Pinoe decided to try an experiment.

“Mmmmm, the things I’d do to Alex if I had the chance. All I need is one night and she’d be hooked on Rapinoe. Now that she’s single I’m gonna go for it. Alex never stays single for long.” Pinoe didn’t have to wait very long to see the results of her comments.

Tobin’s brow knitted together in a very uncharacteristic scowl and she narrowed her eyes at Pinoe.

“Dude don’t talk like that about Alex.” Tobin said in a gravely voice. Pinoe almost burst out laughing but she wanted to keep up the façade for as long as she could so she clenched her jaw and bit her tongue to keep in her laughter.

“Why not dude? Tell me I’m wrong. Tell me she’s not drop dead gorgeous. I would let her suffocate me between her legs I swear.”

“Pinoe, seriously dude...I love you but you need to shut your fucking mouth and stop disrespecting Alex.” Tobin’s fists clenched at her sides and her jaw line was more prominent than ever as she clenched her teeth. Pinoe saw fire in her friends’ eyes and knew that she was having the desired affect. She wanted Tobin to admit her feelings for Alex.

“Hey...what’s wrong? This is how we always talk about girls. What’s going on Tobs? You have the hots for Alex?” Pinoe quirked her eyebrow at Tobin waiting for a response.

“She..she’s like our sister and it’s fucked up that you’re talking about her like that that’s all. Just stop dude. It makes me uncomfortable.”

Pinoe threw her head back laughing loudly.

“Pinoe quit your shit dude.” Ashlyn said joining the two as they continued their warm ups. “No Ash, don’t come over here to save her. She’s gonna admit it.”

“Admit what? What are you talking about?”

“NOTHING....NOTHING” “That you like Alex.” The two spoke simultaneously making it impossible to hear what they were trying to say.

Ashlyn tried to put a hand over Pinoes mouth but she was too quick and she slipped away just in time to avoid the keeper’s grip.

“Fuck Pinoe, that’s none of our business. Can’t you just leave Tobin alone?”

While Ashlyn was dealing with Pinoe, Tobin took a quick look around to see if the three of them were alone and then she made eye contact with Alex again. Alex still had her enamored gaze trained on Tobin. Tobin smiled shyly and Alex smiled back, a blush quickly rising to her cheeks. Tobin turned her attention to her two bickering friends.

“I feel like I can trust you guys...am I wrong?” Tobin interrupted.

The two fell silent. Pinoe’s jaw almost hit the ground as she realized that Tobin was finally going to admit what they had known since the first day of practice so long ago. Of course getting Tobin to admit it had always been her goal but now that it was finally happening she almost couldn’t believe it.

“You can pick your jaw up off the grass dude. I do like Alex...I’ve always liked her and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t disrespect her like that. And I would appreciate it even more if you didn’t try to make a move on her. I don’t think I could compete with you and besides it is against bro code isn’t it?” She inquired looking over at Ashlyn for confirmation.

“Definitely against bro code you little shit.” Ashlyn said shaking her head at Pinoe but she couldn’t suppress the smile lighting up her face.

Pinoe was silent still trying to take in the confession.

“FINALLY! I should’ve done that a long time ago. I never thought it would work that quick you are so clueless for fuck’s sake Tobin. She wants you and only you. Jesus! She’s blinded. She can’t even see anyone else. Fuck look at her dude! I’m no competition.” Pinoe looked at Ashlyn and motioned over to the other side of the field with her head so Ashlyn could witness the lingering gazes.

Ashlyn didn’t have to look. She had already seen it before she walked over and she knew that there was no mistaking the attraction and the inevitable. Tobin belonged to Alex. Alex belonged to Tobin. Nothing else made sense it was just meant to be. She smiled to herself knowing that as far as fate went, her relationship with Ali resembled the relationship Alex and Tobin had. It was Ashlyn’s turn to be happy for her friend.

“Hey dude, thanks for confiding in us. We will keep this to ourselves, right Pinoe?”

“Oh yea dude, for sure. Don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you finally admitted it.”

“I owe you Tobin. If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never admitted my feelings for Ali and I would’ve never found happiness. So anything you need I got you. Whenever, whatever, just ask.”

Tobin smiled at her friend. She remembered that night like it was yesterday. The excitement of their confessions of love for each other and falling asleep with Alex in her arms. It had been a perfect night.

“Thanks guys, I’m glad I have you as friends.”

“Ok ok enough with the mushy shit we have to bury this team. I hope you don’t plan on taking it easy on your girl Tobin. She may be your soul mate but this is soccer and all that shit needs to stay off the field.”

Pinoe’s voice took on a serious tone that was associated only with the game of soccer and pretty much any sport she played. Pinoe was intense and she never messed around with her passion to win. She could live her life without a care in the world but when it came to soccer she was in it to win it and nothing was going to stop her.

“No...I got this. She’s mistaken if she thinks I’m gonna take it easy on her. This team is done.”

“That’s what I like to hear G. Let’s do this shit.”

**********************************************************

The game was intense right from the start. Both teams were aggressive and scrappy on the ball and the physicality of it all was skating the line between aggressiveness and just plain dirty. Both teams testing their limits to see what they could get away with.

Tobin took on a heightened sense of concentration. She felt like she was on another level. She felt light and almost weight less as she flew with and without the ball.

Tobin was on a high. She had never felt this happy. A coach that has been singling her out for weeks was now flipping the script and giving her a chance to prove herself. Tobin had never felt prouder until she heard “I believe in you” come out of Coach Mitt’s mouth. The weight of those words coupled with the happiness of finding out that Alex was single and wanted her number was almost too good to be true but as usual, Tobin wasn’t going to question it and she was not going to think twice about taking these opportunities and running with them. She needed to show the girl she loved and the coach that believed in her that she was a solid player that could be depended on. Alex taught her most of what she knows after all and there’s no way she was going to disappoint her.

In the 9th minute Tobin connected a perfect cross to Press and it was a goal before Tobin even knew what happened. After connecting the cross she had gone down in a collision with one of McClendon’s defenders. Tobin was up in time to catch Christen in a celebratory jump.

“I knew we would have some Tobin magic tonight!” Press screamed in Tobin’s face.

Tobin’s grin could be seen for miles. Her dynamic with Press was different from what she had formed with Alex. Tobin and Alex were always in sync. If one of them pulled back the other knew it was for a reason and even when they weren’t on the ball they knew how to move to accommodate the other. Since Tobin could keep pace with Press every step of the way she was able to connect with her without even having to read her. It was a natural occurrence. Tobin was just glad that she was able to function even if it wasn’t Alex she was assisting.

Tobin happened to catch a glimpse of Alex’s expression and decided not to do that again until half time. The strained look on her face was hard to read and Tobin knew that when it came to Alex she always over thought things. She needed to mark her place on this team and this was her chance to show the coach that she was right to believe in her.

Tobin began to notice Abby more than Alex once they neared the end of the first half. Kennedy high definitely had the superior team but McClendon had managed to hold them off to one goal so far. It seemed like every time Abby found herself in the perfect position for a header she was overwhelmingly covered aggressively by Kenedy's superior defense which would offset her just enough to interrupt her timing. Abby was never one to hide her emotion and the flush on her face and neck only added to the obvious fact that she was ready to explode.

One minute before the end of the first half Abby finally saw the opportunity she was looking for but before she could even think of going for it she took a cleat to her shin when Carm slide tackled her to the ground. One of Carm’s boots hit solid ball and the other happened to find its way onto Abby’s legs where her guards were not protecting and that’s all it took for Abby to get her first yellow of the game.

“WHAT THA FUCK! ARE YOU GONNA CALL THAT FOUL OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE WITH YOUR THUMB UP....”

“Abby, stop I need you in the game.” Alex said calmly as she pat Abby on the back trying to tame the beast.

“FUCK!” Abby looked like she was barely holding back an avalanche that would soon cause massive devastation with the slightest disturbance.

Tobin and Ashlyn walked over as the whistle blew for the end of the half to see if Abby was ok. “Hey Abs, you ok? How bad did Carm get you?”

“Fuck Tobs...please don’t talk to me right now I’m so pissed.”

“Hey, hey we just want to know if you’re ok dude. We care about you.”

“Sorry Ash...I know. I’m just so pissed. I hate losing and you guys fucking piss me off.” Abby seemed to deflate at Ashlyn’s statement. Soon there was a grin on her down cast face.

“Why the fuck do you guys gotta be so good?”

The four of them laughed and Alex looked over at Tobin marveling at that smile she had missed so much. She felt breathless.

Alex closed the gap and ran her fingertips up and down Tobin’s forearm. (Tobin’s brain notes: Her touch is like fire and ice. Some things never change.)

“Nice assist Toby. You look really different...you’re pretty buff.” Alex said smiling shyly at Tobin.

Tobin was at a loss for words. The contact of Alex’s fingertips and the hungry look in her eye was making her dizzy.

“Uh..I guess Lex. I thought I was just as lanky as I was before.” Tobin says laughing nervously.

“No, I know coach Mitts has you hitting the weights hard. I can tell. Even Christen can’t seem to keep her hands off you.”

Tobin sensed a change in the atmosphere. They were straggling behind. Both teams had made it into their respective locker rooms and they were the only two lingering just outside the doors.

Alex hadn’t stopped caressing Tobin’s arm but Tobin felt urgency and desperation in the touch. (Tobin’s brain notes: Is she jealous of Press?)

“You’re still on that? Thought I told you that Press and I were friends?”

“Yea well some friends have benefits.”

“Is that how you are with your friends?”

“Just the friends I want to date.”

“Are you getting a little jealous that Press gets to have her hands on me and you don’t?” Tobin wanted to see the reaction to this question more than she wanted the answer to it and the reaction was not what she expected. When it came to Alex she really couldn’t expect anything.

“So she does have her hands on you more than what you guys are showing on the field huh?”

“Nope. What you see is what you get. Press and I aren’t complicated. Everything is up front and I never have to guess what she wants.”

“Sounds great. You two make a really cute couple Toby.” Alex’s eyes were studying the ground at their feet.

Tobin lifted her chin and looked directly into her eyes.

“Actually, there’s this girl that’s like my perfect match. She’s amazing and gorgeous and her name is not Christen Press. You might know her. See you for the second half.” Tobin was able to caress Alex’s face a little before she turned around and quickly disappeared into the locker room almost feeling like she was going to have a panic attack. She had never had to deal with something like this. She always wanted Alex, even pined for her but this was different. The opportunity was wide open for her to take and that over whelmed her.

“Hey kid, you’re doing great. Don’t change a dam thing. I knew you had it in you. Now if I can just get you to stop checking out the competition you would be perfect.” Coach Mitts told Tobin a little quietly so the rest of the team couldn’t hear her comment.

Tobin couldn’t be sure if Coach Mitts was joking or not. She knew her coach had a habit of joking with the team and even pulling pranks, which always made for a stress free environment when they needed to let lose. One look into the coaches’ eyes and she knew that it was a little of both. Coach Mitts looked amused and wore a small grin on her face that Tobin felt a little uneasy about.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She knows...)

“Well if it’s not affecting my play, I don’t see what the problem is.” Tobin said wearing her best looking smile and laughing.

“Have you ever played with Alex Morgan?”

“Oh yea, you should see us play on the same team. We can read each other’s thoughts on the field.”

“Oh I bet. I would love to see her wearing Kennedy red. We need good forwards.”

“Oh...I see. Are you trying to use me to convince her to transfer? Tsk Tsk coach that’s kinda playing a little too dirty for my taste.” Tobin said laughing.

Coach Mitts laughed shrugging her shoulders and walked away to the drawing board to address the team. Tobin shook her head at her as she walked away and laughed.

“Hey dude, I told you I would lay off your girl so why are you trying to lay into mine?” Pinoe whispered suddenly in Tobin’s left ear causing the lanky midfielder to jump.

“Jesus Christ Pinoe did she teach you how to sneak up on people cuz fuck you got really good at that.”

“I’m serious dude. Were you just flirting with Mittsy?”

“Oh shit, you were serious about that? Pinoe come on dude, I would never do that even if I thought I had a chance.” Tobin replied shaking her head in disbelief.

She realized in that moment that Pinoe’s crush was serious. Pinoe never stayed stuck on one girl for too long. She could have any girl she wanted and she just didn’t find the need to linger too long on one. That is until she met Heather Mitts. Now that she was looking into Pinoe’s eyes that were filled with what looked to be panic or fear or a little of both, she knew that the infatuation had reached a point of no return. Pinoe would see this out for better or worse and Tobin hated the fact that her friend was bound to get hurt. It was inevitable.

“Sorry dude, it just looked like you were flirting.”

“Pinoe..dude oh my god. You really like her.” Tobin whispered. Her eyes softened as she looked into the panic stricken eyes of her friend.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna say anything. Dude, she’s...never mind. Just be careful ok? This isn’t just some girl in school that you have your eye on. She’s married and she’s 6 years older than us and she’s a coach. I think that last fact is probably the most damning. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Just...ok...whatever dude. I know what I’m doing.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Pinoe...she was never really good at talking about her feelings.) “I mean it Megan. I’m here for you.”

“Jesus dude what is it with all the mushy shit today?! Let’s finish slaughtering this team!” Pinoe was back. All thoughts of forbidden relationships put on the back burner. The moment had passed.

************************************************

The second half was underway and after the game plan at half time, Kennedy was on a mission. They were going to do their best to embarrass this team. The rivalry had roots going back almost 2 decades and their goal was to make up for all those years of losing to McClendon before Coach Mitts came along and turned things around.

Tobin felt that if she had ever had doubts she could play against Alex before then they were all gone. Her focus was note worthy considering that she was head over heels for this girl. Until something happened. Marta.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What the fuck is this stupid bitch thinking?! We are beating them 4-0! Why would she deliberately go heels up into the best forward in the state!!!)

Alex was down and wasn’t getting back up. Before any of her teammates could stop her, Tobin was sprinting across the field to where Alex lay even before any of her McClendon teammates had made it over.

“Alex! Alex are you ok? Oh my god baby, please tell me your good. Can you walk?”

Tobin’s voice was filled with concern and panic. Her eyes were wild and her hands stroked Alex’s face softly.

Alex looked a little dazed and Tobin’s voice was hysterical until Alex looked into her eyes and smiled sweetly.

“You just called me baby.” There was no malice or judgment in her voice. No humor or fear just pure joy and affection. Tobin immediately felt fear dip deep inside her.

It seemed as if they had fallen right back in where they left off until now. Tobin began to remember the feeling she had when she realized Alex had left the hotel room that night to go to a party. The feeling she got in the morning when a guy called their hotel room. And finally the worst feeling in the world when she found out Alex had a girlfriend. Short of finding Alex in bed with Emily she had to hear them having a heated make out session. Something that Tobin had only dared to imagine in her wildest dreams. She suddenly felt sick. She just took a step way too far into a territory where Alex had free reign to hurt her again.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Think fast. Get out of here. What are you doing? She’s just gonna hurt you again. I hate that I’m in love with this girl.)

“Uh...yea you know. Just kinda slipped. Seems like you’re ok. Try to stay on your feet from now on. There are better ways to get my attention.”

Tobin’s demeanor had turned cold and it didn’t take Alex very long to figure out why. It was Alex’s turn to feel sick. She had hurt Tobin more than once and now she had to deal with the consequences. A distant cold Tobin that was going to take a large amount of coaxing to open up to her again.

“Thanks for checking on me Toby.” Alex said a little sadly as Tobin got up to join her team.

“What the fuck is your problem Marta?!” Tobin heard Ali yell. Ali. Very uncharacteristic for this soft-spoken sweet heart.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Wow, thought I was gonna have to get in her ass but I guess Ali has it down.)

“Oh calm down. Its soccer. If she can’t handle a little tackle she shouldn’t be playing.”

“You’re such a fucking bitch. You could’ve really hurt her!”

“Girls! Let’s get back in the game! Tobin, let’s take a breather! You did great kid. I’m subbing you out. You look like you could use a moment. Syd you’re out too. We are way ahead. Let’s give someone else a chance.”

Tobin couldn’t believe coach Mitts was being so lenient. She was sure she was going to get yelled at but something in the way she spoke told Tobin that she was sympathizing with her for some reason.

Still, a breather couldn’t come at a better time. Tobin felt herself getting unfocused and didn’t want to disappoint the team. Anger toward Marta and a big bag of mixed feelings toward Alex.

Tobin put on her pinny and plopped down next to Syd on the bench. Ashlyn was up stretching to get subbed in.

“You look like you’re scared of her.”

Sydney.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh no, I really don’t want to have this conversation. There’s no way Syd understands anyway.)

“Uh..who, what do you mean?”

“Hey I understand if you don’t want to talk about how you feel. You don’t have to tell me but there is something you have to hear. Mewie and I are in love but it hasn’t always been easy. We were both afraid of admitting how we felt about each other. Afraid of losing and rejection just like everyone else and there were times when I didn’t understand why she acted a certain way toward me. We hurt each other more than once but there is not one second of my time with her that I would change. I would rather go through that pain again a hundred times than not have her right now. Kristie is worth it. Now the only thing you have to figure out is if Alex is worth it too. Everything happens for a reason. I just want to make sure you know that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies but its beautiful. So beautiful sometimes that you can’t believe how lucky you got.”

Tobin sat and listened to her friend in a stunned silence. After watching her two friends so in love she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She couldn’t imagine a time that there could ever have been a problem in Lemew Paradise. Yet here sat Sydney talking about her insecurities about the thing that she was most sure of in her life. The loving relationship with her girlfriend of 5 years.

Tobin had always thought Sydney was probably one of the most beautiful girls she had ever met. She had a gorgeous smile, a ridiculously beautiful body and she was so goofy and hilarious that you couldn't help gravitating toward her. She wasn’t afraid to act silly and look like a total geek just for a laugh. Tobin could never imagine her being insecure

“Thanks Syd. I’ll be sure to think about that.”

“Is she worth it Tobin? I’m sorry I have to know. If you don’t already have an answer on the tip of you tongue then just forget it because its...”

“Yes...She’s worth this pain and so much more. She’s worth more than anything that has ever held value in my life. You’re right. I’m scared of her but I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to. I can’t say its gonna be easy. She’s all I ever wanted Syd...but she can have anyone she wants and I won’t forget that I’m just another girl.”

“First of all you’re not just another girl Tobin and second...don’t forget that you can also have anybody you want and if you think she doesn’t know that you’re wrong. Trust me...she knows. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at you. Its like she’s trying to figure out a way to be everything you ever wanted. Just remember what I said ok? There is no rush. Take your time but don’t give up on someone you love. I know you love her Tobs. Its not hard to see.”

The game ended and Alex lingered at the end of the line after shaking hands with all the members on the Kennedy team.

Tobin studied Alex’s body language as if studying a work of art for the first time. She had always been so struck by her beauty that she had never really stopped to read her body language. With her new insight thanks to Sydney, Tobin wanted to see if she could sense any insecurity from Alex.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Wow...she’s just as scared as I am. How did I never see this before?) “Hey Toby...you had a really good game....uhh...I came over to...uhh.”

“Come here.” Tobin reached out grabbing Alex’s hand suddenly and pulling her into a hug. She needed Alex to feel how much she wished she could always hold her like this. Hold her, kiss her....love her.

She felt Alex quiver in her arms.

“I was so fucking worried about you. I’m sorry Marta was being such a bitch. Ali really laid into her after.”

“Its ok Toby. It hurt really bad for a little bit but I’m ok now...really.”

“Good. So here’s my number.” Tobin already had her phone number ready neatly jotted on a small slip of paper.

“By taking this slip of paper you are entering into a binding contract. Don’t take it unless you’re gonna use it.” Tobin said with a small smile adding some levity to an awkward situation.

“And you are entering into a contract too. Yours states that you have to answer whenever I call.”

“Of course I will unless it’s three in the morning and you’re calling so I can bail you out of jail.”

“But that’s when you’re supposed to answer the most!” Alex cries in mock sadness.

“I’ll answer.” Tobin said winking at Alex and giving her one last hug for the road before she made her way into the locker room.

 


	8. Forever Young

Once again, I'd like to remind anyone who is reading all of this for the first time:  
There is a first part to this trilogy "The Pitch" if you haven't already read that you might want to give it a go just so its easier to understand the origins of this second installment. There will also be a third and last installment after this 20 chapter part is posted. 

This is a true story. This is the story of my youth into young adult hood. I am only using characters that the fandom is familiar with for the purposes of anonymity. Although I will say that the similarities in the personlities of some of the NT players and some of my friends growing up are eery and uncanny. I felt that from the very beginning but it was also confirmed by a friend of mine that is actually Ashlyn in the story that it is true. We know very little of the true personalities of these players but from what they have chosen to share with their fans, the similarities are there and it is undeniable. I haven't changed anything about the story line. These events happened just as I am telling them. Some small details have been changed just to go along with certain characters but none of those details effect the main story line. So I am Tobin in the story. Note: I'm not as attractive or cool OR laid back as Tobin seems in the flesh but when I chose the pairing it was the pairing that best served my purpose so here we are. Me writing and you reading. I don't have a tumblr although I used to and I don't have a facebook account so if there are questions or comments you'd like me to see just leave them in the comments section. 

THis is not easy for me to do a second time. Even going over each chapter before I post them is still very difficult and emotional for me so I appreciate your patience when waiting for me to post the next chapters. Thanks for reading.

I won't talk, I won't breathe  
I won't move 'till you finally see  
That you belong with me  
You might think I don't look  
But deep inside the corner of my mind I'm attached to you”  
RC

************************************************************

(Alex’s brain notes: It’s only been a day Alex. You’re supposed to wait at least two days or even more. I just want to hear her voice so bad. I don’t care. I’m just gonna do it. Just dial it and don’t think about it. Do it now before you lose your nerve.)

Ring #1.....  
(Alex’s brain notes: Hang up...hang up)  
Ring #2....  
(Alex’s brain notes: Wasn’t I just going to hang up?) “Hello?”  
(Alex’s brain notes: It’s her...Jesus Alex say something.) “Hu..Hello? Hey Tobin is that you?”  
“Lex?”  
“Yea it’s me Toby.”  
“Hey Lex...uh...I’m glad you called.”

Alex could hear the smile and genuine elation in Tobin’s voice and she couldn’t help the giddiness that filled her heart.

Tobin immediately took the phone to her room. This was new to her. She had never been excited to spend time on the phone with anyone but she was sure that she didn’t want any of her family members witnessing the wreck she was turning into by just being on the phone with Alex.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck Tobin she’s on the phone and you still can’t hold it together? Wow, I really do have it bad.)

“So I see you’re taking your contract seriously Lex. I’m proud of you.” “I see you are also taking yours seriously.”

Both teenagers laughed whimsically. The butterflies tickling their stomachs and giving them an odd sensation neither had ever felt before when they had a conversation on the phone.

“Were you busy Tobin, I don’t want to bother you.”

“Nah its cool Lex. I wasn’t doing anything. Just hanging out. Besides, you can never bother me.”

“Ok...so uh...what are your plans for the summer?”

“I don’t know Lex. I mean, well my family always takes a camping trip in July but you probably already know that from Serv...uh...you still talk to him?” A small swatch of dread began coiling its way into Tobin’s heart ready to strike like a very irritated king cobra.

“Yea of course I talk to him. He’s like my best friend. He knows about me....I love your cousin Toby. He’s such a sweet heart. We stayed friends even after. I don’t know what I would’ve done without his friendship. I guess kind hearts just run in the family. I mean uh...well...you know what I mean. Is that even hereditary?”

(Alex’s brain notes: Wow, real smooth Alex. You sound like that sling blade dude. God I’m such an idiot.)

Tobin laughed softly a huge smile spread across her face accompanied by the blush that had just tinged her cheeks.

(Tobin’s brain notes: God she’s so nervous and so adorable. I can just see her face now and her pink cheeks. Oh how I wish I were standing in front of her.)

“Are you laughing at me Tobin Heath?”  
“NO Lex, I promise I’m laughing with you not at you.” “I’m not laughing.”  
“But you’re smiling and that still counts.”

“Ugh whatever.” Alex said giggling. The teenagers began to slowly fall into the comfort of the conversation. Phone conversations brought a whole new aspect to their budding relationship and the two teenagers found it very appealing. They could be a little bit braver when talking on the phone because their faces and two pairs of eyes that would give away their feelings within seconds were obscured from view. Tobin knew she would be spending countless hours on the phone with Alex from now on and she didn’t mind one bit.

They talked about what sports they’d be playing during the summer and Alex assured Tobin that she’d probably have a place on the national team by the end of her freshman soccer season at Kennedy.

“So Lex, how did you meet Emily if you don’t mind me asking? I just want to know everything about your experience since I’ve never had a girlfriend.”

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh no, I did not want to have this conversation today. I’m not ready for this. My entire relationship was centered on you Toby. She only filled a void and I’m not ready to tell you that.)

“Lex, you still there?”

“Yea Toby, I’m here sorry.”

“You don’t have to talk about it if it still hurts. I’m sorry for asking.”

Alex heard the slight disappointment in Tobin’s voice and scrambled to redeem herself.

“No, No Tobs, it doesn’t hurt. Really. I just don’t know how to explain it. She was my first girlfriend but to her it really wasn’t a relationship so I guess it doesn’t count? I don’t know.”

“W..wait....what do you mean? You were....intimate with her and you gave that up and she still didn’t consider it a relationship? Do you love her?” Tobin felt rage slowly rising in her chest. Alex meant the world to her and she would give anything to make Alex feel special in every way. The thought of someone else's hands on Alex began to burn its way to the surface sizzling away Tobin's resolve quickly and viscously.

“Toby it’s not like that. You don’t understand. Emily is my sister’s best friend. It kind of just happened. She’s older than me and she was staying with my family after she got pregnant and it just happened.”

“She’s pregnant?! I’m sorry Lex I’m trying to understand but I’m having some problems cuz this is just getting more complicated.” Tobin closed her eyes and took the receiver away from her mouth so Alex couldn't hear that she was taking deep breaths to calm down. Tobin bit her fist to prevent herself from saying anything that would give away her emotions.

“Let me just explain. Emily and my sister have been friends for a long time and I never even saw her like that. I never really saw any girl like that until recently. Anyway, she moved in with us after she got pregnant from a guy that left her and her mother kicked her out of the house. So it just happened that way. One day it just...I don’t know it just happened. Of course I love her. I’ve known her all my life but I guess it was more like an experiment. Yes I was intimate with her but it was more of just...a test I guess? I had never been attracted to a girl and she wasn’t the first girl I was attracted to. I guess I wanted to see if it was real or if I was just attracted to one girl. There was a time when I thought I wanted to be with her but I realized that she wasn’t right for me. We were just on different wavelengths but everything is cool. We are still friends but its not like that at all anymore.”

“So she still lives there?” Tobin asked hoping that Alex would say no but when had she ever had any luck when it came to Alex?

“Yea, she’s actually due pretty soon. I can’t wait to meet the baby. I love babies!”

“Oh...well I guess she can be a real box block with who ever you have your eye on huh? That would make for an interesting visit from any potential candidate.”

“I don’t know Tobin. I don’t have a lot of candidates over at my house. Really none since Emily. I’m kind of a one girl at a time type of girl. I want to find what we always talked about you know?”

“Someone that really sees you.” “Someone that really sees me.” Both teenagers spoke simultaneously and laughed when they realized they had read each other’s mind.

“Get out of my head Toby. I’m not ready for you to see my thoughts.” Alex said laughing and letting herself free fall on her bed. Since Tobin had asked the difficult question about her first relationship she had been pacing the floor in the middle of her room trying to stay calm and willing the right words to come to her head. For some reason she felt that the pacing helped.

“That’s ok Lex. I’ll settle for seeing what’s in your heart. That means more to me anyway.”

“Where do you come up with this stuff Toby? Why are you so sweet?”

“Runs in the family remember?”

“No seriously Tobin. I have never met anyone like you. I’m so happy you decided to play soccer. I would’ve never met you otherwise.”

“Me too Lex.” Tobin couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. All the previous rage that had threatened to breach her walls of solitude gone with one well placed genuine confession from Alex. Both teenagers felt that it was an act of fate that Tobin joined the soccer team that summer. Tobin laughed when she realized that if her mother had never pushed so hard she would've never met Alex. It seemed like ages had passed since those beautiful nights they spent in each other's arms in a hotel room in the city of brotherly love. Her cheeks burned from the constant smile that hadn’t left her face ever since she began the phone conversation with Alex.

“So who was it?”

“Who was what?”

“Who was the first girl you were attracted to?”

(Alex’s brain notes: You Tobin you idiot.)

“Just some girl. I don’t even know her. Just saw her and I felt different.”

“Different. Like how?”

“Like I had found what I had been missing all my life.”

“Like you weren’t lost anymore?”

“Yea, how do you know Toby?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Because that’s how I felt the first day I held you.)

“That’s how I felt when I realized I was into girls. I’m glad I can talk to you about it now. I was always afraid of what you would think. I didn’t want to lose you.”

“I know Toby I felt the same way. I thought you wouldn’t want to be in my life anymore and I don’t...I don’t want to be without you.”

“I don’t want to be without you either, Alex.” ***************************************************** 

The end of the school year passed quickly for Alex and Tobin because they spent almost all of their free time on the phone with each other. The phone conversations were fulfilling but they both wanted to see each other all the time.

Tobin’s mother began to notice something a little odd but didn’t know just what to make of it yet. Her daughter’s sudden attraction to long phone conversations with her best friend didn’t alarm her at all in the beginning but it soon began to get a little out of hand and she felt she had to get to the bottom of it. The phone calls had become so excessive that Cindy almost always had to get Tobin off the phone just so she could use it and she was ALWAYS on the phone with Alex. Never Lauren or Ashlyn or even Pinoe. Just Alex.

Tobin opted out of playing soccer with the national team even though she had been invited to join since her parents couldn’t afford to let her play. Once again she would be away from her friends during the summer but this time she knew she would be catching, as may games as she could. Anything to see Alex.

Tobin felt herself falling deeper with each new thing she learned about Alex. Alex was smitten and could not get enough of Tobin in any form. When Tobin went to a game to watch her play she felt invincible. She was leading the league in goals and assists and she felt on top of the world. When Alex went to Tobin’s softball games she was loud and obnoxious and talked to Tobin in the dug out between innings. Tobin’s team got to know Alex little by little and even started to joke that she was an honorary softball player since she was always with the team. This made Tobin feel special. She loved the idea that Alex was becoming a permanent fixture in her life.

One month into the summer and Tobin hadn’t let up on her phone conversations with Alex. Every hour she spent on the phone was spent already thinking of the next phone conversation she would have with her.

(Cindy’s brain notes: The phone is missing again. I know she has it in her room. She never liked being on the phone before. What is going on here?)

“Hey Toby, come over to my house for movie night tonight. I know your mom doesn’t let you stay over at anyone’s house but you can hang out for a while right?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh my god....can I really handle being alone with her now? Things are different now. What if something finally happens and she tells me she doesn’t like me like that? I want to see her so bad though.)

“Toby? Are you still there?”

“Yea Lex I’m here, sorry. Yea, let me ask my mom.”

“Ask me what?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ohhhhh shit....how long has she been standing outside my door listening to my conversation?)

“Oh...h hey mom. Its Alex asking if I can g go over and watch a m movie at her house tonight.”

(Cindy’s brain notes: Oh no, she’s stuttering. She’s never stuttered when she talks to me. She’s either lying about where she’s going or something else is.....wait a minute.)

“Uh, I don’t know Tobin. It’s getting kind of late and don’t you both have games or practices tomorrow?”

“No, tomorrow is an off day for both of us. Lex says she can pick me up...well she’s not gonna drive but her sister is gonna pick me up.”

(Cindy’s brain notes: Huh...weird. She stutters when she first asks and now that she’s trying to convince me...no stuttering. Interesting.)

“Uh...ok Tobin. But I’m picking you up when I want you to come home. I don’t want you over there too late when her parent’s probably have to work early tomorrow.”

“Tell your mom everything is cool. You won’t be bothering anyone.”

“Hold on Lex. I’m trying to listen to you and her at the same time.” Tobin says giggling excitedly at what she just got her mom to agree to.

“Hello Alex!” Cindy called out loud enough for Alex to hear her on the line.

“Tell your mom I say hi and I miss her. I haven’t seen her in so long. She needs to go to one of our games with you next time.”

“Lex says hi and she misses you. She says you need to make one of their games with me next time.”

(Cindy’s brain notes: I don’t know why this doesn’t feel right but I don’t like it.)

“Oh...tell her I miss her and the rest of the girls too.” Cindy replies smiling politely. Tobin sees the smile is forced and maybe even fake but she’s so excited she doesn’t even care. Cindy walked back to the living room where Tobin’s father was watching TV.

“Hey Toby, get ready. Me and Emily are picking you up like now. Well it will take us about 10 or 15 minutes to get there so be ready.”

“Emily? I thought you said your sister was picking me up?”

“Toby....Emily is my sister. That’s what I call her.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I don’t even want to think about how strange that sounds Lex.)

“Uh ok Lex. Whatever you say.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I don’t give a shit who is picking me up as long as I get to spend time with you.)

“Ok Toby. I’ll see you in a bit.” *********************************************

Fifteen minutes later as promised, a black SUV is pulling into Tobin’s driveway and she hurries out the door not wanting to have an awkward moment between the girl she loves, the girl she love’s ex, and her mother. Tobin is so preoccupied with avoiding Cindy that she doesn’t have a chance to get nervous about seeing Alex or meeting Emily for the first time until she’s getting in the back seat and they are both looking back at her from the front.

“Hey Toby, I missed you!” Alex beams as she wedges her body between the two seats to pull Tobin into a one armed hug.

(Alex’s brain notes: Calm down Alex. You have her where you want her so don’t start freaking out.)

“Hey Lex...I missed you too.” Tobin says in a dream like voice that doesn’t sound like her own.

“This is Emily.” Alex says referring to the dark haired woman in the driver’s seat.

Tobin studies Emily curiously. Her dark hair, eyebrows, her plain but pretty face. Her lanky body and she tries not to stare but she can’t help feeling a little jealous and a little possessive. Alex was Tobin’s dream girl and she was trying to figure out what Emily had that Alex found intriguing enough to date her. Probably the thing that concerned her the most was that she was actually comparing herself to Emily. She tried not to but she just couldn’t help herself. Emily made eye contact with Tobin in the rear view mirror and smiled as she nodded her head to acknowledge her. Tobin didn’t see anything particularly special about Emily.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Then again, I’m not special either but Alex is. Alex deserves nothing less than a 10.)

Tobin remembered how Alex had explained what happened between them and then she understood. Emily was just lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. Nothing more and nothing less. Then Emily spoke and completely changed Tobin’s mind.

“Hi Tobin, its nice to finally meet you. I pretty much know everything about you by now since this one never stops talking about you and now I know why. She’s hot.” Emily says turning to look at Alex as she says it. Alex swats her three or four times hard enough for a loud popping sound to crack off her arm.

“Ow ow ow you little shit!” Emily yells laughing and rubbing her arm. Tobin can’t help laughing at the scene. She understands now why Alex called Emily her sister and at the same time she realizes why Emily and Alex were just not meant to be. A blind man could see that these two were really only meant to be...well sisters.

“Hey Lex, I think you should take it easy on the pregnant woman. You have to be gentle with women in her condition.” Tobin says smiling sweetly at Alex. Emily has already started driving off and she looks in the rear view mirror again when she stops at the stop sign at the end of Tobin’s street.

“I like this kid Alex. Listen to her. She knows what she’s talking about.”

Emily makes eye contact with Tobin again and when Alex is too busy looking at Tobin she mouths the words “she never stops talking about you.” Emily over enunciates making sure Tobin can read her lips and emphasizes her words by pointing a finger at Alex.

Tobin just smiles and she feels the butterflies start to create the familiar cyclone that they normally take on. Tobin bites her lip and Alex notices that she’s not looking at her. Knowing Emily so well, Alex already knows what Emily has done and she gives her a good pinch behind her arm.

“There, I’m not hitting you but you deserve that. Pregnant or not.”

“You better be glad I’m driving. Put your fucking seat belt on. Tobin’s not going anywhere. You can take your eyes off her for a few minutes until we get home. I mean you CAN manage that right Alex?”

“You’re such an asshole Em.” Alex says laughing. ************************************************

They pull into the driveway to the Morgan house and Alex is pulling Tobin out of the back seat excitedly.  
“Come on Toby, let me show you casa de Morgan.”  
Tobin laughs and stumbles trying to keep up with her over excited friend.

“So this is the living room and the kitchen is right through here and this is my room. The rest of the house is not interesting...oh well that’s the bathroom right there right across from my bedroom door.”

Alex has dragged Tobin through a quick 3-room tour and Tobin notices that there is no one in the house.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Just me and Alex and her ex...God...this is kind of weird.)

Tobin begins to notice Alex’s room for the first time. Her small twin bed is pushed up against the furthest wall from the door and there is one big window right next to it. Pictures cover the walls on all three sides of her bed.

(Tobin’s brain notes: So she’s a fan of pictures...a lot of pictures.)

Alex’s walls are pin striped vertically with broad stripes of navy blue and thin stripes of gold paint. Tobin notices that the walls and ceiling are completely covered in glow in the dark stars and planets. She decides that Alex’s room is one of the most fascinating bedrooms she has ever been in. Tobin could tell that Alex’s mother let her decorate her own room all the way down to the paint on the walls and she envied that freedom of expression. Cindy would never let Tobin have free reign to decide what her room looked like. Cindy was always more concerned about what company would think when they saw her daughter’s room so she decorated it the way she wanted it decorated. No posters, white walls and floral arrangements.

“I love your room Lex. The walls are fantastic!”

“You like it?” Alex asked excitedly. “Blue and gold are my favorite colors.” Alex walked over to the TV that was on a stand next to the bedroom door and began to set up the movie.

“So, you ready to watch one of my favorite movies? Oh...wait. We have to take a pic first.”

“Huh? What do you mean take a pic? I hate pics Alex. Is this like a Morgan house rule or something?”

“Toby I don’t have any pictures with you...please?!” Alex gave Tobin the puppy dog eyes that always ensured she’d get her way.

“Wait, why do you hate taking pics so much Toby?”

“I don’t know Lex. Mirrors and cameras make me nervous. I feel like the more I see myself the more things I find wrong with how I look so I just avoid mirrors and cameras as much as I can. I’m so not photogenic.”

Alex stopped messing with the TV and grabbed her camera. She walked up to Tobin with a look of concern crossing her features. Alex stood in front of Tobin and ran her left hand up and down Tobin’s cheek. She looked into Tobin’s soft brown honey eyes.

“You are so beautiful. There is no reason you should avoid your reflection.” “Hey you two I’m gonna go out and grab some food. You want anything?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Yup...box blocking as I suspected.)

“Don’t you know how to fucking knock? We don’t want shit. Don’t come back in here.” Alex said slamming the door in Emily’s face and applying a double lock.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Wow, that was a little harsh even if she did interrupt a moment.) “Come on. We can take a picture another time. Let’s start watching the movie.” 

“Which movie is it?”  
“Can’t Hardly Wait. I know its old but I love it. Its really funny.”

“Are you sure it has nothing to do with Jennifer Love Hewitt and her hotness?” Tobin said quirking her eyebrow at Alex and smirking.

Alex threw her head back laughing. Tobin joined in shaking her head.

“Toby sometimes I think you can read my mind.”

“Maybe I can. But don’t feel bad. J Love is really hot.”

“Its not just that...this movie is about fate and I still like to believe that it exists.”

“Me too Lex. Do you believe that there is someone out there that you are destined to grow old with?"

"I think that's beautiful if it does exist but I really just wish I could die young...like at 23 or something."

"What the...why would you say something like that?" Tobin said not being able to hide the horror in her voice just at the thought of Alex's life being cut tragically short.

"Oh I don't know Toby. I guess I just don't like the idea of growing old. I want to be young forever."

"Age is just a number Lex. Its how you feel not what you look like. Don't ever say that shit again ok? I'll have to kick your ass if you ever say that again."

Alex chuckled to herself and nodded her head at Tobin giving her a brief hug before they settled in for the movie.

They sat on Alex’s bed leaning back on the wall facing the TV as they watched the movie but it wasn’t long before Alex had made her way into Tobin’s arms in that familiar spot that she just happened to fit perfectly in. Their spooning position. Tobin couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. She felt whole again and she wished that she could pause this moment and live in it forever. No marking of a clock to tell them that the minutes were inching closer and closer to when Tobin would have to let go and they would have to be apart again.

The sun had gone down and the faint glow of the moon was coming in through the window behind them. Alex shot up suddenly as if remembering something important.

“Wanna see something cool?!” Alex’s eyes were electric and the smile on her face sent Tobin’s heart into a crazy tap dancing frenzy.

“Yea!” Tobin exclaimed excited just to see how excited Alex was. Alex walked over to the light switch next to the TV.

“Its gonna get really dark in here. Hold on. Let me turn off the TV first.” Alex clicked off the TV without stopping the movie and looked at Tobin with a smile before turning the light off.

Tobin had never seen anything so amazing. Alex’s entire room lit up with a calming green glow. Tobin hadn’t realized how many glow in the dark constellations Alex had actually applied until now. Tobin couldn’t help gasping in her amazement.

“Wow Lex...this is so fucking awesome.” The darkness was almost suffocating even with the stars glowing all around the room encompassing the two teenagers in an artificial night sky.

“Lex? Where are you? I can’t see shit.” Tobin said chuckling softly.

Tobin suddenly felt Alex take one of her hands and sit on the bed in front of her. Tobin’s breath was caught in her throat and she found it odd that she still couldn’t see Alex even though she knew she was sitting right in front of her.

“It’s so dark in here Lex. I can’t even see your face.” Tobin whispered lifting up her free hand tentatively and fumbling blindly trying to find Alex’s face.

“Where’s you’re...where are you Lex?”

Tobin’s fingertips made contact with Alex’s face and before Tobin was able to register the fact that Alex’s face was only an inch or so away from her own, Alex whispered,

“I’m right here Tobin...”


	9. Confessions

First love is the most powerful “first” you will ever experience. It’s a “first” that you will always be connected to no matter what happens in your life. Time will never fade it. It will play in your head like your favorite movie every time you conjure those memories. A movie you know all the lines to. A movie that makes you laugh, cry and become anxious watching no matter how many times you've seen it. No matter how well you know it. Your first love and all the emotions that came with it will forever be unmatched.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is really happening. I wish I could see her face and look into her eyes but I really don’t care. I just want her lips.)

(Alex’s brain notes: Please, please don’t let me fuck this up. I’ve wanted this for so long. I can’t wait to taste her lips.)

Tobin held Alex’s face gently. Both teenagers holding their breath. Both slowly leaning in to finally fulfill a dream they have been wishing for since the first week they met.

A euphoric, adrenaline based feeling is making the teenagers hearts thud loudly in their chests slowly but with purpose. The feeling that they are losing control and the threat of the unknown only fuels their hunger for each other. The power behind their emotions is so heavy that they can barely stand the distance. Tobin feels herself leaning in slowly and blindly using the light grip on Alex’s face as guidance. The teenagers lick their lips in anticipation of that first touch....

HONK....HONK.....HHHHHOOOOOOONNNNNNKKKKKKK!

Alex and Tobin are jolted out of a fog of ecstasy as a loud honk sounds outside in the quiet neighborhood ripping through the silent suburban home.

(Tobin’s brain notes: NO. FUCKING. WAY.)

“Fuck....” Alex whispers under her breath. Her heart is beating rapidly and she is trying to catch her breath. After the explosive emotions leading up to the near kiss and the sudden start the car horn gave her, she can barely breathe.

“Holy shit Toby I think that’s your mom honking for you outside.” Alex laughs nervously but her words are laced with regret and Tobin can hear it clear as day.

The darkness is still engulfing them and for a split second Tobin wants to forcefully pull Alex by the back of the neck and crash into her lips. Box blocking, obnoxious mother be damned but Alex stands. The moment is lost. The moment that was supposed to be perfect and life altering was ruined by her over protective, over bearing mother.

“Sorry my mom is so annoying Lex. Fuck I think she woke the dead with that damn car horn.” Tobin says rolling her eyes and face palming as Alex is still trying to find the light switch. They hear four or five more honks and Tobin is so embarrassed that she feels like crawling under a rock to die.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Would you please stop with the fucking horn mother?!)

Tobin knows she has to make her way outside pretty quick if she wants to avoid any more embarrassment. Alex finds the light switch and they both squint trying to adjust to the light. Tobin walks over to Alex and engulfs her in a hug rubbing her back possessively not in any hurry to let go. Then there is a knock on the door.

to let go. Then there is a knock on the door.

“There’s some crazy lady honking outside. Is that your mom Tobin? She seems like she’s in a hurry to get you out of here.” Emily says chuckling lightly.

“Just go Toby. Please call me when you get home ok?”

“I will. I’ll call you as soon as I get in. I need to talk to you about something and my time just ran out. I don’t want to be rushed when I tell you.”

“Whatever you want beautiful but you better hurry before she calls the cops or something.” Alex laughs nervously.

“Tell her I said hi and thank her for letting you come over ok?” (Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck that. She’s getting the silent treatment.)

“Ok Lex. I’ll talk to you soon.” The teenagers let go slowly and Tobin finally makes her way outside quickly getting into the car to prevent any further humiliation.

***************************************************  
“I didn’t know Alex lived so far Tobin. This is the last time I’m driving all the way over here.”

“Ma...please don’t. You could’ve called before you came so I could be ready. You didn’t have to honk and disturb the whole neighborhood.”

“I don’t know Alex’s number and what’s wrong with me honking? I wanted you to come out.”

“It’s rude mother. And you know Alex. Would it have killed you just to knock on the door and ask for me so you could tell her hi?”

“I’m already in my pajamas Tobin. I didn’t want anyone seeing me. And stop already. I’m doing Alex, or really Alex’s mom a favor by picking you up so she didn’t have to drive you all the way home and waste her gas.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh you’re so fucking thoughtful mother.) Cindy and Tobin rode in silence for the rest of the trip home.

***********************************************************

Cindy parked the car in the garage and by the time she made it inside, Tobin was already in her room on the phone with Alex.

“Alex...I have to tell you something.” Tobin began pacing in the center of her room. She went to her bedroom door and peaked out making sure no one was eavesdropping.

“I want to tell you something too Toby.” “Ok...well, look Lex....I...”

“I really like you Tobin. I like you a lot. I’ve liked you from the moment I laid eyes on you. You were the girl. You were the first girl I was attracted to and I’ve never felt like this for anyone else before.”

Tobin felt an overwhelming wave of emotion hit her and she had to sit down. Her small shallow breaths were erratic to match her heartbeat.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’m glad you spoke first Alex. I was about to tell you that I’m so in love with you. I’m glad I didn’t fuck this up. I know I would’ve freaked you out but there’s no doubt about it. I love you.)

“I really really really like you too Lex. You were my first everything. You were the first girl that made me realize that I didn’t have to feel lost anymore. I love to be around you and I feel like I can’t get enough of you.”

Every word spoken was like an added weight on Tobin’s chest. The sheer seriousness and depth of her feelings began causing goose bumps to form on Tobin’s entire body. Tobin’s teeth began to chatter and she buried herself under her blanket on the bed attempting to get herself under control.

“Why the fuck did we waste so much time chasing each other!?” Alex lamented.

“I’m sorry Lex. I’m crazy about you but you scare the shit out of me!”

The teenagers laughed at their own stupidity.

“I wanted to kiss you so bad back their before my mom ruined it. You are so beautiful Alex. I’ve always wondered how it would feel to kiss you.”

(Alex’s brain notes: Jesus Christ Tobin. If you’re gonna melt my heart every time we speak from now on give me a warning.)

Alex bit her lip and smiled as her heart fluttered in her chest.

“You have no idea Toby. I’ve wanted to taste your lips for so long. I don’t think you know how delicious your lips are.”

“Well don’t build them up cuz you might be disappointed when you finally do kiss me Lex. And I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“First of all, you could never disappoint me...and second...you’re telling me that we are definitely gonna kiss soon?” Alex felt a blush immediately spread across her entire body. She waited with bated breath for Tobin to respond.

Tobin’s breath hitched involuntarily at the thought of kissing Alex. There was nothing to stop them anymore. Their feelings were out in the open and she suddenly wished she would’ve started out confessing her feelings to Alex as soon as she stepped foot in her room so that she could become well acquainted with Alex’s lips.

Tobin closed her eyes at the sensation building in the pit of her stomach. It felt so impossibly good that she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop kissing Alex once she started.

“Well...of course I want to more than anything but if you’re not ready I can wait....” “No...no Toby. I’m more than ready. I think we’ve waited long enough don’t you?”

“UGH! Why didn’t I just do it?! Now I have to wait till I see you again and I don’t know when that’s gonna be.”

“It happened like that for a reason Tobin. I wouldn’t want to rush kissing you. We knew your mom was gonna pick you up soon and 2 minutes of kissing would’ve just left us more frustrated than we’re feeling right now.”

“I guess you’re right Lex. That doesn’t change the fact that my mom blocked really bad.” “She must’ve known something was going on. Sometimes mother’s just feel things.” “So? I’m gonna be 16 already. It’s not like I’ve never kissed someone before.”  
“You’ve never kissed a girl before Toby. That’s different.”

“Is it? Is it different for your mom?”

“No Toby, my mom doesn’t care. She just wants me to do what makes me happy and you don’t know that you’re mom doesn’t feel that way too. So don't write her off just yet ok?”

"I can't wait to see you again Alex. I can't believe I can finally talk to you like this without being afraid. I was so scared I would lose you. I was never sure if you felt the same way. You are really hard to read sometimes you asshole!" Tobin exclaimed through an exhilarated laugh.

"I was scared too Toby but we don't have to feel that way anymore. And you’re right, I was an asshole but only because I didn’t know what was going on. Emily just happened Toby. I swear if I knew I had any real chance with you I would’ve never given anyone else a chance. I wanted you to be my first everything Tobin....and now...." Tobin heard the sorrow and sincerity in Alex's voice and her heart melted down to the ground.

“Hey gorgeous...I will still be your first. If it meant next to nothing then it doesn’t count right?”

Alex smiled and felt her eyes start to prickle with tears of unparalleled joy and a feeling of fortuitousness.

“You’re amazing Tobin Heath. And you’re right...it doesn’t count. I told you that you were special to me and I meant it. You still are.”

*********************************************************************

A week passed and Tobin was nearly losing her mind with the lack of contact she was having with Alex. It was as if the universe was keeping them apart. They’re schedules conflicted and they couldn’t make each other’s games.

They spoke on the phone every day and Cindy began to keep a closer watch on her daughter. Her intuition was telling her that something was there and whenever something was eating at her she just couldn’t drop it until it was solved. She timed the phone conversations and tried to eavesdrop but Tobin was on top of that. She left her door open and would lie on her bed so that she could look out of her door the entire time she was on the phone. She didn’t know how her mother would react to this and she wasn’t sure what “this” was yet so she wanted to keep it to herself until she felt ready. It was her choice after all.

“Jeff, I know there’s something going on with Tobin and her friend. Do you think they’re involved in drugs or something?”

Sigh...”What makes you think that babe? Just because she likes talking on the phone with this girl? It’s fine. This is Tobin we’re talking about. She’s a good kid. Hell she’s better than good. She’s never been in trouble before. She has a good head on her shoulders.”

“I don’t know Jeff. I just have a bad feeling and I don’t know how to get her to open up to me. She used to tell me everything and now we hardly ever talk. I’m worried.”

“What’s new Cindy? You’re always worried. Tobin is going to be 16 already babe. You’re

gonna have to come to terms with the fact that she’s growing up and soon you won’t have a say in what she does. She will be an adult.”

“How could you say that Jeff? Why would you think that I just want to control her?”

Tobin’s father had to choose his words wisely if he knew what was good for him so he just decided to keep quiet and hope that his wife didn’t press the issue. Keeping quiet was always safe. Over 25 years of marriage has taught him a thing or two. The last thing he wanted was to get in an argument with his wife. He wasn’t afraid of her or of being in the dog house he just didn’t have the energy to argue.

************************************************

“Oh hey Tobin. No Alex isn’t here right now. She ran to the store real quick. I’ll tell her to call you as soon as she gets in.”

“Oh no don’t worry Emily. I’m sure she hasn’t eaten. Don’t tell her I called until she eats dinner.”

“No kid, trust me. I have to tell her if I want to live. She will be so pissed at me.” Tobin smiled to herself and chuckled on the line.  
“Ok Emily thanks. I’ll talk to you later.”  
“She’s crazy about you. You know that right?”

“I hope so....”

“Trust me Tobin. I have never seen her this happy and you two haven’t even kissed. I wonder how she’s gonna look when it finally happens. Fuck, her mom is gonna think she’s on drugs!”

Tobin laughed again and shook her head.  
“Anyway, I’ll tell her you called kid. Oh and one more thing...don’t hurt her ok?”

Emily’s voice was not confrontational or even rude. She made the statement very matter of factly as if she were instructing someone how to drive a car.

“Emily, I adore Alex. I would never hurt her.”

“That’s what I like to hear kid. She is my little sister after all. Anyway, see you soon. Bye.”

“Bye Emily. Thanks.”

They hung up and Tobin sat on her bed in her room wanting nothing more than to be talking to Alex right at that moment. She was so happy lately that she wanted to scream it to the world.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’m gonna scream it to Lauren.)

Tobin opened the line on the cordless again and quickly dialed Lauren’s number. Lauren answered in one ring.

“Tobin Heath! What a treat...you never call me! Oh my God did someone die?! Please tell me no one died!”

“Shut up Lauren.” Tobin said laughing. “If you let me talk I can tell you exactly why I’m

calling.”  
“Ok...spill, you have my attention.”

“You’re my best friend and you were the first I confided in with my secret so I thought you should be the first to know that...Alex and I....”

“You two finally got it on?! OH MY GOD TOBIN! WAS IT GOOD?!” “Lauren stop!” Tobin was laughing hysterically.

“Would you let me speak?! No we haven’t slept together. To be honest...I’m not sure I can even imagine doing that with her. Weird. I had never even thought of that.”

“That’s cuz you’re a virgin.” Lauren deadpanned.

“Fuck Lauren I don’t believe you! You’re ruining the moment! And no it’s more than that! I can imagine doing that with any girl but when I think of Alex in that way my mind just goes blank. I don’t know why.”

“Whatever Tobin just tell me what happened!” Lauren said rather impatiently.

“Well I went to her house for movie night and we almost kissed until my mom came to pick me up and ruined moment. Then when I got home I called her and we told each other how we felt. I finally told her that I have feelings for her Lauren....and she told me she had feelings for me.”

“Oh My God baby I am so happy for you! You need to kiss her when you see her you know that right? Oh fuck, no wonder she’s been in a daze!”

“Oops. I don’t want to affect her performance. I just want to love her.”  
“You do love her don’t you? You two have danced around each other for way too long Tobin.”

“I know...and yea I love her Lauren. I have never been so sure of anything in my whole life. I have never wanted something so bad. Don’t tell her I said that I love her. I don’t want her to freak out.”

“Don’t worry Tobs. You two are just meant to be and of course I’m not gonna tell her anything.” Lauren wore a peaceful grin on her face and she rejoiced in the thought that her two best friends were finally going to be together. She had completely forgotten that Jrue was on the other line waiting for her.

“Oh shit Tobs! Jrue is waiting for me I gotta go. I am so happy for you love. Keep me updated.” “Ok L. Tell Jrue I said hi.”  
“Ok, I love you bye.”

Lauren hung up before Tobin was able to reply. Tobin laughed a little to herself as she fell back on her bed. She had been feeling so good this whole week even though she hadn’t been able to see Alex. Tobin closed her eyes and began dreaming of Alex’s pink lips and smile and how her blue eyes lit up with excitement when she last saw her. It was intoxicating.

***************************************************

“Hey Toby do you have any plans for tonight?” Alex asked crossing her fingers and pacing back and forth as had become the ritual when she was on the phone with Tobin.

and forth as had become the ritual when she was on the phone with Tobin.

“No Lex...why?” Tobin replied almost too quickly anticipating what Alex would say next. Tobin closed her eyes as she let herself free fall on her bed. She felt her back rebound a little and her heart was taking on the familiar tap dance that was reserved only for Alex.

“Uh...I don’t know. I just really want to see you. Can you just come over? I can’t even come up with an excuse I just want to see you.”

Both teenagers were smiling big enough to light up the room and their hearts were generating enough electricity to light up Vegas for about a week.

“You don’t need an excuse. The reason you just gave me is more than good enough.” Tobin purred through her whimsical grin.

“Ok, well ask your mom and then call me back and let me know. I’ll be waiting.” Alex replied with a hint of seductiveness that she didn’t even realize was coming out.

“Uh...ok L Lex...I’ll call you right back.” Tobin choked out with a voice that she had momentarily lost. She hung up the phone and swallowed thickly. She knew asking her mother to go over to Alex’s house was going to be a struggle. She remembered how irritated her mom had been the last time she had to pick her up from Alex house.

“This is the last time I’m driving all the way over here.”

Tobin sat on her bed with her head in her hands trying to figure out which approach would give her the highest percentage rate for success. In the end, she knew her mother very well. If she really didn’t want to let her go then nothing would stop her from saying no.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is not gonna be easy but there’s no way I’m giving up. I’m gonna have to involve my Dad. I hope he’s there when I ask permission.)

Tobin got up from her bed fueled by determination and expecting a battle. She walked into the living room and saw her parents watching the news.

“Hey guys...what’s going on in the news?”

“Wow! You’re not on the phone? It’s a miracle! I’m predicting that the weather man is gonna come out next informing us that it will snow in California tonight!”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Yup this battle will be bloody. Already out with the big guns. No reason to prolong it now. Just come out and ask Tobin and then you can work from there.)

“Ma, Alex invited me over for game night at her house. Can I go?”

“What do you need to go over there for Tobin? You constantly talk to her on the phone!”

“She’s my best friend ma and we aren’t playing on a team together this summer. I..I miss her!”

“I told you I wasn’t gonna drive all the way out there again Tobin. If your dad wants to drive you then he can but I’m not driving out there.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh she’s pulling the ‘ask your dad’ bit. He’s in his socks and shorts and she thinks he’s gonna say no cuz he’s relaxing and he usually doesn’t want to get up. Watch this Ma. Game over.)

“Hey dad..can you drive me?”

“Drive you where honey?”  
“To my friend Alex’s house so we can have game night.” “Sure...just give me a second to get my shoes on.”

“Ok! I’ll go get ready!” Tobin almost squeals with excitement. She runs to her room before Cindy can protest or get her dad to change his mind. But Tobin knows that once her father has said he will do something for her he will not change his mind no matter how convincing her mother is.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck my dad is the best. This is it. I’m finally gonna see her.)

Tobin’s stomach drops almost painfully at the realization that she will be kissing the girl of her dreams tonight. She will finally be able to taste the lips she has been dreaming about for 3 whole years.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Brush your teeth. Get some gum...and Chap Stick. Don’t forget your chap stick.)

While Tobin is busy going off her mental list her father is upstairs dealing with an onslaught of arguments from Tobin’s mother.

“After all the times I’ve told you that I didn’t like what was going on with Tobin and Alex and you just agree to drive our daughter to her house?! Do you ever listen to a word I say Jeff?”

“If you wanted me to say no then you should’ve just told me to say no instead of telling her to ask me. I don’t see a problem with it Cindy. Tobin never does anything with her friends anymore and its summer. Let her have fun while she’s still young. She works so hard during the school year.”

Cindy was enraged and the more she thought about the fact that she had lost control of the situation because of her husband the more her anger flared up. Jeff made his way downstairs before the argument could get any worse. His wife looked like she might explode. He walked to his daughter’s room hoping she was ready.

“Hey champ, you ready to roll?”  
“Sure dad. Let me just call Alex real quick and let her know I’m coming.”

Jeff frowned and his brow creased with worry. “You haven’t done that yet? Come on. We don’t have time for that. Alex is just gonna have to be surprised.”

“Ok dude, let’s roll then. It’s your world boss.” Tobin said grinning wider than Jeff had ever seen her grin.

(Jeff’s brain notes: I’ve never seen her this happy. I’m glad she’s getting out of the house.) Jeff smiled at his daughter and they both made their way outside to the car.

Every step Tobin took toward the car was a step closer to Alex. Every mile her father drove felt like an inch and every minute like an hour. Every step that had led her to this point was replaying in her head. At this point, only a force of nature or a force of God could keep her from the girl she loved and the closer she got to Alex’s house the more she dreaded that something would stop her. Tobin had never wanted anything this much and she was afraid that this feeling of happiness really didn’t exist and she would wake up at any moment and realize that she had been dreaming

all along. The first sight of Alex’s house proved that theory wrong and before she knew it she was stepping out of her parent’s Buick.

“I’ll be back to pick you up in a few hours Tobin. Be good ok? Stay out of trouble champ.” “Ok Dad...see you later.”  
(Tobin’s brain notes: I’ll try to stay out of trouble dad but I make no promises.)


	10. 150 mph

No pretense...no hiding. This is me bearing my soul. These are true events. Hope you know what you're getting yourself into. Enjoy

Kissing your first love for the first time is like driving a car over 150 mph. It’s dangerous and exhilarating. Objects around you are going by in a blur and every time you try to focus on them you get dizzy which just causes you to lose focus on what’s in front of you. And what’s in front of you, ladies and gentleman, should and will be your only focus. Whenever you lose sight of the road in front of you, your heart beats faster, your palms begin to sweat and your stomach takes on a twisted feeling of dread. That’s the danger part. The possibility that you will get hurt is always there at the back of your mind but in the midst of all the overwhelming emotion, you shove it back and ignore it for the sake of feeling invincible at least for this moment. This one moment in time. You concentrate on what’s in front of you because that is the only thing that matters. What’s in front of you is stable and real and absolutely, slap your grandmother, howl at the moon beautiful. It’s all you have to hold on to and you do. Because your hands firmly placed on the steering wheel is the only way you will make it out on the other side. The only way you will live to tell this epic story.

So they hold on to each other like they will never see another day. They don’t remember how they even got here or what was even said before they entered the sanctuary of Alex’s blue and gold striped room and they don’t care. All they care about is that they are finally partaking in the best first kiss they have ever experienced. There were no awkward adjustments or compromises made. Tobin and Alex melt into their first kiss as if they had already spent an eternity getting used to each other’s lips and the explosions that each touch of tongues and teeth set off.

Alex tastes peppermint on Tobin’s tongue and cherry Chap Stick on her lips. She keeps her eyes closed and lets her hands guide her actions because the last time she tried to open her eyes she felt so dizzy that her knees almost gave out.

Tobin is trying to control her need for Alex and she feels like she might not ever stop kissing her. The warmth of Alex’s skin and the taste of her impossibly soft lips are slowly driving her crazy and she can barely contain herself.

The kiss is slow but hungry and they both know that there is no rush to stop. Their breathing grows heavy as they are forced to breathe through their noses.

Tobin has Alex by the waist and Alex is lightly holding Tobin on either side of her face. They move together perfectly in sync and when Tobin hears Alex moan softly she can’t help closing the small distance that remains between their bodies. Their chests are pushed together rather forcefully and then they are in a full-fledged make out session held tightly in a passionate embrace. Tobin feels goose bumps quickly turning into a full body fever and then she feels a sensation she has never felt before. It renders her body defenseless against Alex. She’s losing control.

The only thought registering in their pretty little heads is that they don’t ever want to stop. Tobin feels like she wants to kiss Alex’s neck and her hands have already started to roam from Alex’s waist to her back and her face. Tobin breaks the kiss and immediately goes for Alex’s neck. She begins to leave light kisses from Alex’s collar bone all the way up to her ear. She feels Alex’s hands grip the back of her shirt in bunches and Alex’s breath has grown ragged as she closes her eyes and snaps her head back trying to stifle the loud moan that is threatening to leave her throat.

“Fuck...” Alex whispers as Tobin assaults one side of her neck leaving goose bumps with every touch of her lips to sensitive skin. The right half of Alex’s body is covered in goose bumps and she continues bunching up Tobin’s shirt trying to hold onto something so that she can maintain a small dose of control.

Alex buries her hands in Tobin’s hair and leads her lips back to meet her own once more. The two teenagers make it to Alex’s bed and soon they are laying down facing each other. The kisses have grown languid and exploratory. Alex and Tobin begin to do the little things they have always dreamed about.

Alex takes Tobin’s bottom lip in between her own and sucks lightly on it. Tobin inhales sharply at the sensation and then smiles through the kiss letting Alex have free reign to do whatever she wants.

Tobin catches the tip of Alex’s tongue and also sucks on it realizing that Alex’s mouth has taken on the same taste as her own peppermint gum. Alex giggles softly and wraps one arm around Tobin’s waist bringing their bodies closer together. Their legs in a tangled mess at the foot of the bed. Tobin slowly breaks the kiss and touches her forehead to Alex’s. Both teenagers have their eyes closed and they stay that way with their foreheads touching as they catch their breath.

“Wow....” Tobin says after a few minutes breaking the silence.

Alex pulls her head back a little to look at Tobin’s flushed face and smiles at her dreamily.

“You are really good at that Tobin. Like....really good.” Alex confirms breathlessly.

“I’m only good when I have someone good to kiss. And I can say that I have never kissed someone that kisses as good as you do.”

“You are so beautiful...” Tobin whispers and her breath catches involuntarily in the middle of her sentence as she looks into Alex’s piercing blue eyes.

Alex bites her lip and breaks eye contact clearly embarrassed at being admired at a close proximity.

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh god please don’t look too close Tobin. I didn’t even get a chance to put on makeup because you didn’t give me a heads up.)

“Hey, look at me beautiful. Don’t look down. You really are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen.” Tobin says as she lifts Alex’s chin so they can make eye contact again. Alex looks into Tobin’s soft brown eyes and when she can see only sincerity she leans in and gives her three lingering kisses.

Alex laughs a little to herself and shakes her head at Tobin.  
“What are you laughing at?” Tobin says smiling at how adorable Alex looks.

“I was just thinking that you think I’m the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen because you haven’t really seen that many girls.”

“Shut up you idiot.” Tobin says laughing. “You need to learn how to take a compliment because I’ve waited too long to be able to tell you how I feel and I’m not gonna let you stop me from taking advantage of that.”

Tobin brings Alex into her body again and takes a deep breath of contentment.

“Besides, there are a lot of beautiful girls out there but none of them compare to you and none of them have my heart.”

Alex feels a knot develop in the pit of her stomach. No one has ever spoken to her in this manner. No guy or girl has ever said such meaningful things to her without any indication of fear or ulterior motives. Tobin’s statement and the sincerity behind it are drenched in an honesty and intensity so strong that it takes her breath away. There is no doubt that it originates from a deep seated affection that Alex can’t even begin to wrap her head around. Until this moment, Alex has never felt more wanted by someone and she feels herself falling fast.

(Alex’s brain notes: How can you care so much about me Tobin? You don’t really know me. I’m not the angel you think I am.)

“You are so amazing. I can’t believe I’m here with you. I’ve waited so long for this to happen I feel like I’m dreaming, you know?”

“I know exactly what you mean. It’s surreal. You know the only way to know for sure that you’re not dreaming?”

“NO...no Toby don’t pinch me please!”  
“I would never...I was just gonna....TICKLE YOU!”

“OH NO, that’s worse!” Alex screams as Tobin begins to assault her sides and stomach. When Tobin feels like Alex has had enough she stops and wraps her arms around her.

“Come here. I already miss your lips.” The teenagers continue their on and off make out sessions with swatches of caresses and sweet conversation in between.

“Wait....how much time do we have Toby?”

“It’s been an hour right? I don’t know. My dad said he’d be back to pick me up in a few hours. He didn’t say an exact time.”

“Oh...so your Dad dropped you off? Hmmm, I just thought it would be your mom. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It’s time for you to take a pic with me. Please take one with me. I want a picture of you.” Alex pleads giving the signature Morgan puppy dog eyes.

“UUUHHHHH Lex, if you want a pic of me I’ll just give you one. Like a professional one from school or something. I swear I’m so not photogenic with regular pics!”

“It would make me so happy if you would take a picture with me right now. Don’t you want to make me happy baby?”

Tobin’s heart stalled in her chest.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She just called me baby...) 

Tobin shakes her head laughing a little.

“What?” Alex asks feigning innocence.

“If you’re gonna call me baby, make sure it’s because you just really want to call me that and not because you’re trying to get your way.”

“I do really want to call you that Tobin.” Alex says barely above a whisper. She looks down at Tobin’s shirt to avoid eye contact.

“Why?” Tobin asks.

“Wha...what do you mean why? You are so complicated! Can’t I just want you to be my baby? Are you always gonna be asking me such complicated questions?”

“It’s a pretty simple question with a pretty simple answer which you’ve already given me so what’s the big deal?”

Alex laughs and shakes her head. She takes Tobin by the shoulders and gives her a little playful shake.

“UHHHH what am I gonna do with you!?”  
“I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Tobin replies wryly.

The teenagers take a series of 3 to 4 pictures before Tobin has had enough and demands that she has gone too long without kissing Alex. Tobin finds that she just can’t stop wanting to feel and taste Alex’s lips.

“Why did you do that?” Tobin asks when they’ve broken their kiss for what feels like the thousandth time that night.

“Do what?”

“Why did you want a pic of me in my sports bra? What exactly do you plan on doing with that?” Tobin finds Alex’s uncomfortable squirming amusing and she tries to make her feel at ease.

“Hey, it’s ok Lex. I don’t mind and it didn’t make me uncomfortable. I just want to know why.”

“I...I love your body Tobin. Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Your abs are sick and your skin is so soft...I’m sorry I just can’t stop thinking about it.” Alex slips her hand under Tobin’s shirt and lays her palm flat on Tobin’s stomach. Tobin inhales sharply at the sensation and she bites her lip.

“Fuck...Alex. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the way your lips felt on my stomach that night in the hotel room.”

Alex is caressing Tobin’s stomach back and forth as she looks into the golden brown eyes of her young lover.

“Let me, let me do it again.” Alex whispers as she slowly starts to lower her head.

“No...no Lex. Don’t...I can’t. I won’t be able to stop this time.”

Alex lifts her head and examines Tobin curiously. At this point, Alex has had minimal experience in this area. She let Emily take the lead during their encounters and while she has an idea on what is supposed to happen she isn’t 100% sure of herself.

“I-I’m sorry Lex. I just know myself and I can barely stand it now. Just...give me some time ok?

“I-I’m sorry Lex. I just know myself and I can barely stand it now. Just...give me some time ok? I think if you do that now I’m just gonna lose control and..”

“Shhhhh, its ok baby. You don’t have to explain anything to me. Just communicate like you’ve been doing and we’ll be good. Let me know what my limits are.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: You have no limits. I’m yours. I just don’t want to disappoint you.) “I don’t want you to think I don’t want it.”

“I know Toby. Please stop. Don’t worry so much. It’s ok. I’m in no rush. I just want to be close to you. I wasn’t trying to go further I just wanted to feel you on my lips again.”

Alex takes her hand out from under Tobin’s shirt and traces her features with her fingertips.

Tobin is hit with an overwhelming sensation. “You can still feel me on your lips.” Tobin crashes into Alex’s lips.

Tobin has been in this situation before. Stopping something that is about to happen but she has never felt this wild, overwhelming desire until now. The touches from her boyfriends were always frantic and only served one purpose. Alex’s touch was gentle and patient and Tobin could feel the intensity of Alex’s genuine affection emanating off her body. Tobin would hold off for as long as she could but she knew it would only be a matter of time before her need for Alex would be way too strong to control.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Yea, I’m done. I’m out for the count. I don’t know how long I’m gonna be able to keep the words ‘I love you’ from coming out of mouth. I’m such an idiot. I’m such a child falling in love this fast. She’s probably gonna think I’m weird. I know sometimes you can’t help it. At least that’s what I hear but does that really happen in real life? Jesus Christ I am so done.)

They break the needy passionate kiss to breathe and Alex notices that Tobin has a far off expression on her face.

“Hey, hey, where did you go just now? Please don’t beat yourself up about this Toby. Really. I care about you and I want to make you feel special always.”

“I know baby...I’m just...sorry. You do make me feel special. More than you know.”

Alex’s face brightens with the smile that Tobin has fallen in love with and Tobin smiles back.

“You called me baby...” Alex blushes.

Tobin shrugs her shoulders as if to say “No big deal.”

(Alex’s brain notes: If you had any idea what you do to me...oh god. I’m gonna have to take a cold shower when you leave. Like for an hour!)

As if on cue, they hear the doorbell ring and they know their time is up. The teenagers get off the bed and help each other with fixing their shirts and taming their hair so that they don’t look so suspicious and soon their stomachs and hearts are aching with the awareness of the separation they are going to have to deal with in the near future.

“I don’t’ want you to go.” Alex pouts as they stand together touching foreheads at her bedroom door.

“I don’t want to go either but I’ll see you soon right?”  
Alex sighs and feels the weight of sadness land on her chest. “Yea....” She replies regrettably.

Tobin slowly runs her thumb across Alex’s soft lips and leans in for one last slow languid kiss. She wants to give Alex her best so that she can be thinking about this kiss way after she’s gone and it works. Alex’s eyes stay closed a few seconds after Tobin breaks the kiss and when she opens them she finds Tobin smiling at her.

(Alex’s brain notes: She’s looking at me like I’m the best thing that has ever roamed the earth. God it’s overwhelming! I don’t even deserve that. What if I’m not good enough and she’s disappointed?)

“You ready beautiful?”

“Yea I guess. As ready as I’m ever gonna be.” Alex says as she unlocks the door deliberately taking her time. Right before she opens the door Tobin whirls her body around for one last kiss.

“I’m sorry I just can’t stop kissing you.”

Alex grins against Tobin’s lips. “Is that supposed to be a bad thing?” The teenagers laugh and finally make their way out to the front door.

****************************************************

Alex is the first to round the corner at the end of the hall that leads to the front door so she’s the first to catch sight of Tobin’s Dad and Emily standing at the door talking.

(Alex’s brain notes: She has his eyes. The kind that sparkle and squint at the corners when he smiles. Wow. Great genes pops. You have a gorgeous daughter.)

Tobin’s father catches sight of his daughter and Alex and smiles in their direction.

(Jeff’s brain notes: Oh shit...my daughter is in love with this girl. It’s so obvious. I can’t believe Cindy hasn’t figured it out yet....wait. She has. I know she has she’s just in denial. Wow, my daughter is in love with a gorgeous girl! Look at those eyes. Weird...I feel really proud right now. She snags better looking girls than my son! Ok...now I don’t know how to feel about that.)

“Hi sweet heart...you must be Alex. I finally get to meet you. I’ve been hearing about you for years and up until now I thought you were a myth!” Jeff laughs heartily and ignores Alex’s hand so that he can pull her in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi Mr. Heath. It’s great to finally meet you too. Tobin always talks about how you guys have the best movie nights all the time.”

“Oh yea, this champ is my movie buddy. You should come over and join us for a movie night some time. It’ll be great.”

(Jeff’s brain notes: Oh shit my wife would really hate me right now.)  
(Tobin’s brain notes: PPPFFFTTTT try getting mom to agree to that one dad.) (Alex’s brain notes: He’s so sweet. Yea she definitely got her personality from him.) “Yea sure I would love that Mr. Heath!” Alex replies smiling genuinely.

(Jeff’s brain notes: Nice Tobin. She is REALLY beautiful.)  
“Ok well, we better head out. Nice meeting you both. Let’s go champ.”

Tobin turns and engulfs Alex in a tight hug. She wants to let go soon so she won’t make it obvious but she can’t help it when her Dad walks to the car and she still hasn’t let go.

“I’ll see you soon.” Alex whispers. Tobin nods her head in agreement and then she finally lets go. Alex stays on the porch waving until the Buick is out of sight.

*******************************************************

The weeks fly by and the more Tobin continues her phone ritual with Alex the more Cindy disapproves until one day:

“I don’t want you talking to her anymore.” Cindy says in a robotic voice with a stony expression on her face.

“Huh?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I know she didn’t just say what I thought she said.)

“You heard me Tobin.”

“Uhh....no sorry Mom, I don’t think I did.”

“I said I don’t want you talking to Alex anymore.”

“Ok...why?” Tobin says standing from where she sat on her bed and crossing her arms over her chest.

This positively never happens between this mother and daughter. Things that are deemed forbidden are accepted with a “Yes ma’am” and forgotten never to be brought up again. So when Cindy hears the question come out of her daughter’s mouth she has to go to great lengths to maintain her poker face.

“Because I just don’t like the influence she’s having on you and I don’t like that you never get off the phone Tobin! You hardly spend time outside this room anymore!”

“Then I’ll cut down my phone conversations and I don’t know what you mean about bad influence. You’re gonna have to be more specific on that one.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I don’t even like that idea but compromises must be made.)

“I know she drinks Tobin. The other mother’s talk about it all the time. It’s only a matter of time before she gets caught and I don’t want you getting caught up in that.”

“No one influences me mother. I am my own person. Always have been so there’s really no reason for you to worry. I’m heading out to practice. Ella is already waiting for me outside.”

“Tobin...I’m not done talking to you.”

“We can talk later Ma. I don’t want to keep her waiting any longer. Plus I’ll be late for practice. Love you!” Tobin says as she hurries out the front door.

Ella waves at Cindy from the driver’s seat of her father’s old Camaro and notices something odd about her expression.

“Is your mom mad at you cutie?”

“Oh...that? Probably. She just told me that I can’t talk to Alex anymore.” Tobin says off handedly.

Ella had begun to drive to the stop sign at the end of Tobin’s street and she ends up slamming on the breaks midway.

“Uh...El...you know the stop sign is further up right?”  
“She told you not to talk to Alex?! Tobin why are you so calm about this?”

Tobin waves Ella off dismissively as she scrambles through her bat bag making sure she has all her gear. “Dude, I know my mom. She’s never had to put limitations on me. I never gave her reason to. She’s not serious and I’m not gonna stop talking to Alex.”

“Ok Tobs...whatever you say. She didn’t look too happy.”

“FFFUUUUCCCKKKK! I forgot bam bam Ella!”

Ella laughs and face palms.

(Ella’s brain notes: This girl is clueless. Her mom is freaking out and all she cares about is bam bam and of course Alex.)

“You can borrow my bat Tobs. It’s just practice.”

“You practice how you play Ella! This is our last tournament of the summer! I want to make sure I’m doing my best.”

“Tobin shut up. You have the highest batting average on the team. Trust me. You’ll be fine.” ************************************************

Two weeks before the start of their sophomore year, Tobin and Alex secretly meet up at the movie theater. It’s been 4 weeks since Cindy had put her foot down but Tobin went about it in a smart way. She only spoke to Alex on the phone when her mother was at work and she made sure not to bring Alex up in conversation.

Tobin’s sister Perry was filled in with the information about her younger sister soon after. Tobin was shocked when Perry told her she wasn’t surprised and that she loved her no matter what.

“You’re my sister and nothing is going to change how much I love you. You are still the same person.”

“I love you Per. You are a great sister.”

“The greatest.” She said ruffling Tobin’s hair.

“So what do I do about Mom? You think I’m right? She talks a big game sometimes.”

“I don’t know Tobs. Just keep doing what you’re doing and take it a day at a time. It’s up to you if you want to tell her and when.”

“Yea...I know. She loves me though. I’m her daughter.”

“Yea well, if she asks you are you gonna tell her or are you gonna do it on your own terms?”

“She won’t ask me...trust me but I don’t know. Maybe I will. It has to come out sometime right?”

“Yea...well in the meantime. I have free tickets for the movies. You and Alex can use them if you want.”

“Per, how am I gonna swing that?”

“I’m gonna help you dumbass. How else do you think? I have some of my own shit to do. I’ll tell mom that me and you are going to the movies and then she can meet you there. You two can watch the movie...or each other for two hours and I’ll do whatever I want to do in the meantime.” Perry said laughing at Tobin’s expression of bewilderment.

“Are you serious?! You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would Tobin. You are my sister right? I can tell you really like this girl. As long as she makes you happy I’ll help you out.”

“Oh my god...did I say you were great?!”

A day of planning and a happy reunion later, and Alex and Tobin are sitting in a theater holding hands. They could be watching a film in French for all they cared. They never looked at the screen once.

At one point they had to move to the very top row because they had been making out for so long that someone had alerted the usher and he stood right behind their seats near the bottom.

“I guess someone told him to go watch the lesbians making out in theater 5.” Alex whispered as they lurked to the top of the stadium seating in the middle of the movie.

“Fucking perv.” Tobin replied and the teen agers giggled as they found their seats.  
“I really missed you Lex. I don’t know if I can handle being away from you like this all the time.”

“It’ll be different once school starts. I’ll go to your games and maybe we could see each other at away games too. I am still worried about your mom though. I can’t believe she said you can’t talk to me. I’m kind of hurt.” Alex laughs but her laugh is strained and Tobin reads her like a book.

“Don’t worry baby. It’s gonna be ok. It’ll all work out.”

“I hope so Toby. I don’t want to think about that anymore. I just want to enjoy my time with you.”

They spend the rest of the time talking and laughing and of course kissing. When Perry is driving Alex home, Tobin joins her in the back seat.

“I usually hate to play taxi but I guess I’ll make an exception since you two never get to do this.” Perry says making eye contact with Alex through the rear view mirror.

Alex smiles at her and thanks her with an appreciative nod of enthusiasm.

Tobin turns her head and leans it back on the seat to take in the beauty sitting next to her. Alex is looking out the window and Tobin studies the line of her jaw and the silkiness of her hair. She traces Alex’s neck line and every last detail of Alex’s profile with her eyes until Alex turns and catches her in the act.

“Caught you staring.” She says in a low voice so that her words would be drowned out by the music Perry is playing on the radio.

“What are we doing Alex? What is this?”

Alex brow furrows in confusion and fear.

“What do you mean Tobin? I thought we both knew exactly what this was.”

“I know how I feel and I know how you feel but I don’t know what we are. I guess that’s what I’m asking.”

“I...I’m not very good with words like you are Tobin. I can’t just convert my feelings into words that easily.”

“Ok...well, let me ask you this way. If your friends asked you what I was to you...what would you say?”

Alex pauses for a second thinking about her answer.

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh God...what am I supposed to say? Is it too soon for me to want her to be my girlfriend? This is so crazy! But I want it. God knows I want it I just don’t want her to freak out.)

“I...”

“Don’t feel like you have to say something you’re not ready to say baby. I just don’t like being in the dark about anything when it comes to you. I want to make sure we are on the same page because you are all I want.”

“I would tell them that you’re my girl.” Alex blurts out. Her fingers tips are tingling and her mind is racing along with her heart. She holds her breath and waits for Tobin’s reply.

“So....I’m your girl?” Tobin says smiling.

“Unless you don’t want to be. If you’re not ready then just tell me. I can wait.”

“Is this your way of asking me to be your girlfriend?”

“I-I guess it is. I know it’s only been two months since we confessed how we felt about each other but...”

“It’s been three years since we’ve wanted each other though. Since we've liked each other. I think you’ve courted me long enough Alex.” Tobin says smiling shyly.

“I want to belong to you. I would love to be your girlfriend.” Tobin says before she leans over and gives Alex a soft lingering kiss to seal the deal. Their first kiss as a couple.


	11. The Short Honeymoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's nothing you can say to me. No word in the dictionary can affect me. After the events that transpired that night. "Where every step I took in faith betrayed me." You can't possibly hurt me now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter may be disturbing to some readers. You have been warned.

My heart will never mend because you were the first woman to break it. You, who held me as an infant. Bathed my tiny body. You who kissed my nose and rocked me to sleep. You who encircled me with protection against any harm or pain. You who nursed me through skinned knees and trips to the emergency room. You who told me I was beautiful…who told me you would always love me no matter what. You…you were supposed to be my rock. Constant and true and unwavering. You whose love was meant to be unconditional. You. Broke. Me.

******************************************************

It is possible for a person to live in a world where nothing is impossible. Where no matter what happens there is always an upside. Where life floats by lazily like a pontoon boat on a lake in the middle of spring. Warm rays of sun beating down without a worry or care to anchor the small vessel to one spot. Euphoria, Utopia, ecstasy, Love. A world where there is no tomorrow. There is only now. There is only happiness. There is only her. And even if a bad day comes around and you are down on your luck you are still so unaffected by the stress that usually accompanies it. Like 5 layers of protection is shielding you from any kind of pessimism.

This is a state of mind when your heart knows nothing but the person who has captured it. This is a state of mind, and your mind is a very powerful thing. When one person is fortunate enough to consume your mind, body, heart and soul, you will live this way. You will live this way until something or someone rips you out. True love is powerful and limitless. True love is also blind.

Tobin could tell Alex was lying down on her bed holding the phone to her ear and probably looking at the star covered ceiling of her room. Tobin could always tell when Alex was laying down, or smiling or even frowning just by the tone in her voice. It had been a week since Tobin and Alex had become official and they were both on cloud 9.

“Baby, I miss your face. I miss the way you smell and taste.”

“Mmmmm, Tobin stop. That sounded kind of dirty.” Alex said laughing at the sensation the statement gave her in the pit of her stomach.

“It only sounded dirty because your mind is in the gutter Alexandra.” Tobin replied laughing.

“I miss you too baby. You have no idea how much I just want to hold you right now. School is almost here and then we can see each other all the time.” Alex said excitedly.

“Who are you talking to?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh shit….my mom.)

“Tobin, I asked you a question.”

Cyndi stood in the doorway of Tobin’s room in her night gown. Her presence was ominous and her voice stern. Tobin couldn’t make out her features or any detail. The light from the bathroom was bright and in contrast with the darkness of her room, she could only make out the outline of her mother’s body.

Alex grew quiet as she listened in.

“Uh…ha…its Alex mom.”

Tobin said nonchalantly with a slight shrug of her shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world. For Tobin, talking to her girlfriend on the phone really was the most natural thing in the world.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I was too fucking distracted to remember that she didn’t work tonight. FUCK)

“I thought I told you I didn’t want you talking to her anymore.” Cyndi said with a voice that was slowly becoming aggressive.

Tobin had witnessed her mother fighting with both of her sisters before at one time or another. The shouting matches were always loud, emotional and brutal and they always ended with her mother crying. Tobin can remember a time that she would comfort her mother after these arguments from the early age of six. She never understood the reason for the fight. She just knew that the sight of her mother crying was terrifying and she wanted to do anything to get her to stop.

_“I won’t ever fight with you mama. I won’t ever make you cry. I promise.”_

_“Oh baby, you promise me you won’t ever yell at your mama?”_

_“I promise mommy, don’t cry.”_

With the tone of voice her mother was currently using, Tobin knew that tonight was the night she would break that promise.

“FUCK YOU! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SHE CAN TALK TO WHO EVER SHE WANTS TO TALK TO!”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Alex what the fuck baby. Oh my God she’s gonna hear you!)

Tobin immediately put her hand over the phone separating it from her ear momentarily and held her breath hoping that Cindy was too far to hear.

“I didn’t think you were serious about that. I told you that I would cut down on the conversations and I’ve done that. I wish you would just trust me more than you do. I think I deserve your trust.”

“Oh you do huh? I can’t even trust you to listen to me when I tell you I don’t want you talking to her anymore. Get off the phone Tobin. I need to talk to you.”

Alex had stopped yelling in favor of listening in again and right before Tobin was about to speak into the receiver, Alex beat her to it.

“No…no baby. Please don’t hang up. If you hang up you won’t call back I know you won’t.”

“Alex, please I have to talk to my mother. She’s standing right here. Don’t worry. I’ll call you back.”

“Tobin, please. Please don’t hang up right now. I know you will want to call me back but you won’t be able to. Please baby. I…..I love you…and….I…I can’t lose you.”

Tobin’s body felt like it was shutting down. Her girlfriend just told her what she has been waiting so long to hear and she couldn’t say it back.

“Tobin Powell Heath. Don’t make me snatch the phone….

“IloveyousomuchbabyIswearthatIwillcallbackpleasebelieveme.”

……..from your hand because I will!”

Cindy was yelling now and she drowned out Tobin’s quick response with her voice.

“I swear I will. I swear on that. Please believe me.”

“You love me?”

“Yes…so much.” Tobin felt the proclamation of her love thick in her throat nearly cutting off her vocal chords with the weight of it. And knowing that her love was not unrequited. Knowing that she had finally found a counterpoint was an explosion of relief and joy so profound that tears and gutteral laughter threatened to spill from her lips.

“Do you believe me? If you believe me then believe me when I say that you can count on me.”

“I do. I believe you.” Alex’s voice was strained and worried which seemed to contradict the meaning of her words but she finally let Tobin go. As soon as she heard the line click she got up and started to pace.

Cindy turned on the light to Tobin’s room.

“Give me the phone Tobin. You are grounded from using it for… I don’t know how long yet!”

“I don’t know what the problem is. What is the big deal with me wanting to talk to Alex on the phone?!”

“YOU tell ME what the big deal is! That’s what I’m trying to figure out Tobin. Why do you have to talk to her on the phone every single day? You were never like this before! I don’t get it…do you….

……do you…..

Like her or something?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: It’s now or never and I don’t care. I’m in love with Alex and I don’t care who knows.)

“Yes mom….I do like her. She’s my girlfriend….actually….I’m in love with her.”

Tobin felt her mouth and throat go dry and the tips of her fingers were prickling with a pins and needles sensation. Her adrenaline was on high tide and she felt like she might be sick. A cold sweat broke out on her forehead and her hands were sweating. Tobin had never been this scared in her life. Her ears were ringing at the dead silence that filled the space in her room.

Cindy’s mouth quirked sideways and her chin started to tremble. Her hands were clasped together tightly in front of her. She looked at Tobin as if she was a stranger in her house.

(Cyndi’s brain notes: This can’t be happening to me right now. This has to be a nightmare. I will close my eyes and when I open them I will be lying in bed and this will have all been a nightmare.)

Cindy closes her eyes and takes a deep breath but when she opens them nothing has changed except that her daughter has stood up and is standing defiantly with her arms crossed in front of her.

“There is no way you can possibly know what love is let alone know what you are really feeling. She took advantage of you. I knew something was going on. I knew she would prey on your weak mind.”

Tobin had had enough.

“How can you possibly know how I feel mom? You have no idea how this feels. You think I chose to…”

“DON’T! DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO TELL ME THIS IS NOT A CHOICE BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS A CHOICE!”

Tobin dug her nails into the palms of her hands trying to hold back from screaming and showing any kind of emotion. She would not let her mother see how much she was affecting her.

“You think that I’ve never been through this? You think that girls have never tried to prey on me just like this little…this little devil has brain washed you!”

“DON’T! Don’t start talking about Alex mom. Don’t do that. You used to love Alex! She has never done anything wrong to you and she DIDN’T PREY ON ME! I have always been this way…I just didn’t understand it until I fell in love and I love her mom. I can’t change that. She didn’t pressure me into anything….and…I can’t help the way I feel. I have never felt this way for anyone.”

“That is enough Tobin! You are not my daughter! You…you are a demon child. There is no way you came out of my womb. You have allowed the devil to posses you. You disgust me! I can’t…no I won’t believe what I’m hearing. You are forbidden to have any contact with this disgusting queer. Do you understand me?! As long as you are living here, you will not speak to her again!”

Tobin felt her heart sink and she was hanging on by a thread but she refused to let her mom see her cry.

“Mother…..” Tobin swallowed her tears back but she felt her face growing hot and her voice was trembling.

“Its…one day you will see that you are gonna have to acc…”

“NO! I WILL NEVER, NEVER ACCEPT THIS TOBIN! I WILL GO TO MY GRAVE BEFORE I GIVE YOU MY BLESSING! YOU…YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING. YOU ARE A DISGRACE. WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK! YOU WOULD BREAK YOUR DAD’S HEART!”

“Don’t bring dad into this. This is between me and you.”

“I will decide that. You have no say over this. You have no say in anything because you are nothing….nothing. You are going to straight to hell. Do you even realize that? Do you even care that you will go to hell?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: If loving Alex means I’ll go to hell then I will gladly go. There is nothing else I can do about it. At least it’s not a mystery anymore. I’m going to hell.)

Cindy’s face was under going a steady flow of tears and her voice trembled with every word but these were tears of rage. Her eyes were enlarged and her body trembled with the anger that coursed through her veins. She had lost control of the situation. And there was nothing Cyndi Heath hated more than losing control.

Cyndi turned on her heel and stomped her way upstairs. She took both cordless phones with her to make sure Tobin had no way of calling out.

As soon as Tobin was sure her mother had made it all the way upstairs where she couldn’t hear her, she broke down in huge waves of sobbing. Each hit her chest like a minor heart attack and she began to panic as she grew closer and closer to hyperventilating. The tears blinded her and assaulted her senses making it harder for her to breathe. All she could think of was that she wished Alex was holding her right now. She knew the only person that she wanted to talk to right now was her girlfriend. She began to force herself to calm down. She found a sliver of determination as she remembered the promise she made to Alex. Tobin stood in the center of her room and lifted her arms above her head trying to gain control of her breathing. This began to calm her down slowly but it wasn’t fast enough.

She frantically thought of a way to gain control of her emotions faster so she could think clearly. Tobin walked over to the corner of her room and stood there staring at the wall. She closed her eyes and allowed all the poisonous words that flowed out of her mother enter her mind. She gathered all the pain and rejection and feelings of worthlessness up into one big ball of anger and then she released it….onto the solid wood paneling on the wall…..with her right fist.

The pain was crippling and dizzying causing stars and colors to bloom in front of Tobin’s eyes. Up until this point, Tobin had only associated this feeling with being hit in the head with a ball or getting tackled down while playing various sports. She knew she had succeeded in focusing her attention on the pain in her hand when her brain snapped into gear.

(Tobin’s brain notes: The pay phone at the apartments two blocks down. Sneak out the window and run over there. Lock the door and get your ass to that pay phone.)

Tobin turned and locked her door. Her hand was numb and she was moving only on adrenaline at this point.

She vaguely remembered sneaking out the window and the next thing she registered was her lungs on fire as she sprinted two blocks away. She was chased the whole way by 3 or 4 stray dogs that were all bark and no bite. Once she arrived at the two pay phones next to a set of run down apartments, the dogs scampered away when Tobin took a dominant, warning step toward them.

Tobin picked up the phone with her right hand and for the first time she felt the pain of a hand that was without a doubt badly bruised or maybe even fractured. She hissed and allowed herself only a second to mourn her decision before she began to put coins into the slot. She dialed the number and waited. At this point an hour and half had transpired since the communication line between she and Alex had been permanently cut.

Alex answered after one ring.

“Baby? Tobin is that you?” At the sound of Alex’s voice, Tobin began to sob again uncontrollably. She couldn't speak or breathe and although she could hear her girlfriends voice on the other end break down with mounting concern and fear, she couldn't control herself no matter how hard she tried.

“Tobin…baby…please calm down and talk to me. Baby you are scaring me. Where are you!? Tell me where you are baby please….Tobin!” Alex had long since lost her resolve. She was panicking and crying and all she wanted to do was hold her girlfriend and protect her from whatever had caused her to hurt so bad that she could barely breathe.

“She….she…” Tobin let out between sobs. Tobin had taken on a sound that she only remembered making once in her life.

Cindy backed out of the drive way one day when Tobin was eight. She was storming off after having had a heated shouting match with Katie. She backed out without care and with a mounting speed that should never be used in such a small strip of driveway. Cindy ran over Tobin’s small orange kitten.

Tobin saw the kitten’s tale twitching from behind and could only see that it was standing all on fours seemingly ready to pounce. Instead of surprising the kitten and scooping it up from behind like Tobin had intended, she was met with the gory horrifying headless remains of her favorite little ginger kitten.

The sound of this sob was alarming. Big, loud, gulping hiccups. Stuttered, garbled speech and coughing. Whimpering and groaning in frustration. Small combinations of 3 or 4 intakes of breath that could not be controlled. And the tears never stopped. She was drowning in tears.

“Oh my God baby…what happened!? Fuck Tobin I need you to talk to me baby!” Alex pleaded through tears.

“I’m….I’m..t t ttrying…A-Alex. Ugghhh Fuck. I…I…” Tobin shook her head and groaned in frustration.

“Ba…baby…I-I’m sorry.”

“Tobin please….you have nothing to apologize for. Baby, please….I love you. I’m here for you. Just please calm down ok? Just try to breathe. Try to take a deep breath with me…ready… 1…2…3….breathe.”

Tobin took a deep breath but it only resulted in a violent coughing fit from the rawness of her throat and all the congestion that the crying had caused.

Tobin groaned and winced again in frustration.

“Its ok my love…just try again. Take your time.”

Tobin listened and drew in a small breath and let it out slowly making sure not to lose control.

She continued to do this until she could get a few sentences out.

“She…ughhh…she told me I was d-d-….uggghhhhhh, disgusting. She said I c-can’t ever see you a…again.”

“Don’t worry about that right now baby. Its gonna be ok. I’m not gonna let that stop me. Tobin Heath….listen to me. You are NOT disgusting. You are so beautiful. You are so so kind. You are perfect.”

The teenagers remained on the phone for 2 more hours. It took a while for Tobin to calm down to the point where she was only sniffling or inhaling small breaths involuntarily every 10 minutes or so and even then it was subtle. It took even longer for her to stop crying all together. Alex was patient and caring.

“We can do this. Let’s just take it a day at a time. I will not give you up Tobin. I meant what I said. I really do love you.”

“You have no idea how much better that makes things for me now. I f-feel so alone.”

“You don’t ever have to feel alone again baby. I’m only a phone call away. Now, you have to go back home before she catches you. I don’t want her fucking with you anymore tonight because of me.”

“Alex.. I just want you to know something before I hang up.”

“Ok baby…”

“The first time we told each other how we felt I almost told you I was in love with you. I-I knew it for so long. I have never felt this way about anyone. I am so in love with you.” Tobin sighed after letting out her confession as if she could handle the weight of the world as long as Alex was by her side. She was determined to love her and make her happy. There was nothing else in the world that mattered.

Alex’s heart melted and she was stunned into silence.

“Baby? Did I freak you out?” Tobin was suddenly filled with paralyzing fear.

“No! No my love. Not at all I just don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one.”

“Tobin, don’t let her get you down. I’ll see you soon. I promise.”

“Ok baby. I love you.”

“I love you too. Please be careful ok?”

The teenagers reluctantly hung up and Tobin began her walk back home.

*************************************************************

“Oh my god Tobin! What happened to your hand?!” Lauren exclaimed when she met up with her best friend on the first day of school.

“Its just bruised Lauren. Don’t worry about it.”

“Tobin it looks horrible! Did you get in a fight?”

Tobin laughed and shook her head. It had been a short 3 days since the incident with Cyndi and Tobin found that when she thought about it now that the only thing she could do was laugh to prevent herself from crying. She laughed often.

“Tobin…what’s going on? You can tell me.”

“I know L…just…long story short. Me and Alex are together now and when my mom found out she released the hounds of hell on me.” Tobin burst out laughing and shook her head. Lauren looked horrified. She reached out and took her friend in her arms. Lauren wouldn’t say it out loud but she had known Tobin and Cyndi long enough to know that this was only the beginning of hard times.

“Tobin, I will always be here for you. We all will. Don’t forget that. Any time you need to talk or you need anything at all…we have your back ok? You're not alone.”

“Thanks Lauren. At least I know I have you guys.”

“So, you ready for sophomore year?”

“Yea…let’s do this.”

The day was spent reuniting with all her friends and for the first time since the fiasco in the Heath house, Tobin felt like she was home. She felt safe.

“Dude…you finally snagged her. That shit is sick. You know how many bitches want a piece of Alex? I swear I must've heard her name from 4 different groups of lesbians over the summer. You’re a fucking champ!” Pinoe yelled proudly as she slapped Tobin on the back.

They had gathered in their usual spot for the lunch hour and the members of team were all present.

“Fuck Pinoe! You’re so fucking rough. I don’t even think you know how strong you are!” Tobin said wincing through a smile.

Pinoe waved her off impatiently.

“Don’t change the subject…how is she?”

“What do you mean dude? We haven’t even been together a month! We haven’t had sex.” Tobin said lowering her voice and ducking her head so she could prevent any passersby from hearing her personal business.

Pinoe laughed and rolled her eyes.

“Ok, so how good of a kisser is she?”

“She’s amazing.” Tobin said as her eyes glazed over.

“She’s definitely the best I’ve ever had.”

“Nice…she’s good with her mouth.”

“Ok Megan that’s enough. That’s my girlfriend you’re talking about.”

“You two are so cute it makes me sick. Excuse me while I go puke!”

Pinoe got up and headed to the restroom dramatically.

The table burst out in laughter. Tobin looked up at her companions.

Lemew was engaged in the usual bliss. Kristen sitting on Syd’s lap.

Hope and Kelley were giggling about something and pecking each other on the cheek every so often.

Ashlyn and Ali had been in a make out session almost since the beginning of lunch. Tobin laughed when she saw Press attempting to, and failing to distract them by flicking Ali’s ear lobe.

Press laughed with Tobin and came around the table to sit next to her.

“So, you and Alex huh? I’m really happy for you Tobin. Haven’t you two been chasing each other for a while?”

“How did you know Press? I never talked to you about Alex?”

“Oh you know…soccer. People talk. I might have heard it somewhere around a lesbian circle during the summer.”

“Lesbian circle huh? Since when do you hang around lesbian circles?”

“Oh come on Tobin. Our entire team is gay.” Christen defended immediately. Tobin caught the defensive tone and knew that there was more to the story but she decided not to press the issue just yet. That was a discussion for another time.

“Ok, Press whatever. So I’ll see you in English AP this year again right?”

“You know it. Same class, same people, same time, different teacher. Its cool to know that I will have you for that class until we graduate.” Press smiled at Tobin sweetly.

“Yea, I’m glad to know that I will always have a friend there.”

The girls broke from lunch and made their way to their next classes.

Tobin had Spanish next and she would end the day with her English class.

Tobin realized immediately that her Spanish class was going to be fun. Her teacher was a funny quirky blonde woman that was enthusiastic and caring.

The Spanish class was mixed with underclassmen and upperclassmen since it was the only Spanish class in the school.

Hope, Carli, Valerie and Marta were all sharing the class with her.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Interesting mix.)

Hope took the seat next to Tobin and Carli the seat behind Hope. Tobin had never had a class with Hope without Kelley.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This should be interesting.)

Marta sat in front of Tobin and Valerie was behind her.

Before the class started, Marta turned around to address Tobin.

“So, I heard about you and Alex. I called it. It was pretty obvious when you ran to her rescue after I tackled her down real nasty last season.” Marta laughed sarcastically. “No hard feelings right? Its just soccer.”

Tobin didn’t know what to make of Marta. She respected her as a soccer player. Other than that she hadn’t really had the chance to get to her know her outside of soccer.

“No…no hard feelings Marta.” Tobin said pausing and ducking her head to look Marta right in the eye.

“But try that shit again this season…and you will pay dearly for it. Trust me.” Tobin said seriously.

Marta threw her head back laughing. “Calm down Tobin. I don’t want any trouble with you. I’ll behave.”

Tobin nodded her head but her jaw tightened and the stern look never left her features.

Hope and Carli caught the exchange but decided to stay out of it for now.

(Hope’s brain notes: I like how Alex looks on Tobin. Never seen her so ready to rip someone apart. That’s my girl.)

In English class Press immediately took the seat in front of Tobin and Lauren took the seat to her left. The three girls were at the very back of the class right next to the door and Tobin began to see the notorious class skippers wandering the halls soon after the bell rang.

Lauren was busy writing a love letter to Jrue whom she had also made it official with over the summer. Tobin took this opportunity to probe a little deeper into Press’s activities during the last three months.

“So Press, who did you hang out with over the summer?” Tobin asked. She knew how to get information without revealing her intentions.

“Oh you know, just the soccer team as usual.”

“Oh so no one in particular?”

“No Tobin, why are you jealous…oh never mind you can’t be after spending the summer with your girlfriend.” Christen said this innocently enough but Tobin could read between the lines.

“I am actually. I never get to hang out with you. We should get together more often.”

“Oh really? And what would your girlfriend think?”

“Nothing…I’m in love with Alex. She knows she can trust me.” Tobin saw a small wince cross Christen’s face for a second and then it was gone.

“Yes Press, even if the friend I’m hanging out with is as beautiful as you.” This caused Christen to smile sweetly and blush. Tobin loved Christen. Christen was sweet and loyal and was always there for her but no other girl in the world could possibly take her from Alex.

“Stop stroking my ego Tobin. Don’t try to charm your way in. I spent the summer with my boyfriend remember? Did you forget I had one?”

“Nope I thought you forgot after hanging out around lesbian circles.”

“Funny Tobin. Really funny. Actually, I heard about all this because Val and I were hanging out a lot over the summer.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: There it is. Valerie. Oh no Press. Val is bad news. She’s gonna hurt you.)

Tobin bit her lip. Christen noticed.

“What’s wrong Tobin?”

“Nothing. Just now I know how you know all the lesbian gossip. Val lays more girls than Mick Jagger.”

“Ugh Tobin please! That’s disgusting! You sound just like Pinoe!”

Tobin laughed. “Those were Pinoe’s exact words!”

"I should’ve known.” Press replied shaking her head.

“You know its true. How many girls did you see her with this summer? I’m sure you know how she works her charm by now.”

“Actually, she wasn’t with any girls this summer. At least I never saw her with any.” Christen’s eyes glazed over and Tobin knew she was out for the count.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh shit, it’s too late. Val got her. Wow…never saw that coming. She’s gonna hurt her and then I’m gonna hurt Val.)

Tobin felt enraged at something that hadn’t even happened yet but Tobin knew how Valerie operated. No matter how long she stayed with a girl she always ended up cheating. This wouldn’t end well.

“Well, I’m just glad Val has never dated any of my friends cuz she always cheats. If she ever hurt one of them I would have to hurt her.”

“Tobin! Why would you say something like that?!” Christen exclaimed swatting Tobin’s arm lightly.

“I’m serious. If she ever hurt one of my friends…

(Tobin’s brain notes: You)

…I would injure her.”

“Calm down Tobs. We’ll put Val in a muzzle.” Lauren chimed in clearly done with love letter hour.

Christen looked at Tobin for a while as if trying to size her up. Tobin looked right back with an expression of determination and intensity that caused a chill to run up Christen’s spine.

(Christen’s brain notes: God she’s serious. But Valerie won’t hurt me. She’s changed.)

(Tobin’s brain notes: She thinks Valerie has changed. She is so wrong. I will fucking end her. Val’s a great friend but everyone knows not to cross that line with her. She’s horrible at relationships.)

“Well I hope she never hurts a friend of yours Tobs. I would never want to see you in a fight.”

“And I would never want to see my friends get hurt. Actually, I won’t let her hurt my friends without teaching her a lesson.”

“Ok class, we will start our school year with a book assignment." Their new english teacher spoke up suddenly.

"This is one of the most important classic literary pieces you will ever read in your lifetime. Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte.”

Tobin and Christen prepared themselves eagerly for their next literary adventure as their classmates groaned their disapproval 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost forgot to mention that these events that transpired between mother and daughter have not ever been revealed word for word until now. Every word that was exchanged is real.
> 
> Sorry I haven't been back to post the rest of this in a while. I hope it was worth the wait


	12. Catherine and Heathcliff

 

“Hello, can I please speak with Alex?”

“Of course, who’s calling?”

“Ashlyn.”

“Alexandra! There’s an Ashlyn on the phone for you!”

Alex sprinted to the phone and snatched it from her mother’s out stretched hand. When she answered she did so in a shaky panic filled voice.

“Ash? Is everything ok?”

“Of course it is Alex, don’t worry. Tobin asked me to call you since she hasn’t been able to call you for a while now and she didn’t want you to worry. She’s been trying to get to the pay phone but her mom has her on lock down like literally. The neighbors are nosy and they keep a close watch on that window she sneaks out of. Dude, she’s hurting real bad. I can’t even imagine how you two feel. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if I had to stay away from Ali.”

“I know…I’m, I fucking hate this Ash. It’s fucking killing me. It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve seen or heard from her. My own girlfriend and I can’t even call her up.”

“I really hope you two can get through this. I think Tobin’s mom just needs some time to get used to the idea. Not everyone reacts the same.”

“Yea well, Tobin doesn’t seem convinced that that is ever gonna happen. We’ve had this conversation before. I’ve waited so long to finally be with her and now her mom is ruining it.” Alex felt a darkness sweep over her. She had been moping around the house for weeks now and the distance was eating her up inside. It felt like an acidic mixture eating away at the lining of her stomach like a parasite.

“Hey, well at least you’ll see her at the game tomorrow right? Are you still going?”

Alex sighed and felt a small ray of hope slightly brighten her outlook.

“Yea of course I’m gonna be there. I wouldn’t miss it. I will make every game I can because it seems like that’s the only time I will be able to see her. Well of course I’ll be cheering ya'll on too.” Alex said with a light chuckle. “I would be from a rival school and go to Kennedy High school games to show my support. I feel like such a traitor to my kind.”

“Your kind is the lesbian kind now and you’re not betraying us.” Ashlyn reasoned with a small chuckle.

“So…how are things with Ali?”

“They’re….good.”

“Why did it sound like you hesitated? Are you two having problems?” Alex questioned sincerely worried for her friends.

“No Alex…everything is just….well perfect. I’m so in love with her which is why I really don’t want to talk about it since you’re being kept from someone you love. I don’t think its fair to rub my relationship in your face when its no one’s fault that you are being kept from Tobin.”

“Oh….thanks Ash but you don’t have to feel guilty for being happy. Tobin makes me happy when we are together and I still get butterflies thinking about her even when I can’t talk to her. I…I don’t know what to do.” The pain was evident in Alex’s voice and Ashlyn’s brow furrowed in concern.

“Hey, one day at a time. We’ll see you tomorrow ok? You better be cheering loud.”

“Ok Ash, thank you so much for calling.”

“Wait…Jesus I almost forgot to tell you the message she wanted me pass on. Dam, she would’ve killed me.”

“Uh, Ok.” Alex replied laughing a little.

“I hate that I have to be the one to tell you these things because it would be better coming from her. She wrote it down for me. Tobin is pretty intense. But I’m sure you already know that. She’s really in love with you. It sucks that she’s on lock down because of this.”

“Just tell me Ash.” Alex said in a near whisper trying to hold back the tears like a dam against a tsunami.

“She wrote that she will never give up on you because she has found love she never knew existed. That no matter what happens that she will never stop loving you. She’s afraid she’s about to lose you when she hasn’t really had a real chance to be happy with you yet. She knows that you already know how it feels to have a functional relationship and it would be so easy for you to find a girl that can give you that. That can always be there for you. But as much as she’s hurting she will continue to hurt if it means that she can have you for a little while. Whenever she can steal a moment from behind the walls of her prison. She loves you and misses you every day and every second without you is torture. She said she’s sorry that you have a girlfriend that you can’t be free to be with all the time. I know its pretty intense and even depressing but you’re it for her Alex. You’re the one.”

Then the pain. The pain hit her so suddenly it felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. She vaguely remembered reading one time that this is how Houdini met his end after taking one too many punches in the stomach as part of his act. Alex was feeling mighty Houdini-ish right about now. She felt a pain start in her sternum and reverberate all the way up through her chest and right into her throat. The emotion attacked her senses quickly and ruthlessly and she was shocked when the first tears started to prickle the corners of her eyes. (Alex's brain notes: I'm in love with a girl I can't even talk to.)

*********************************************

“Hey, you have a game today. She’s gonna be there. Get happy dude. I’m tired of seeing you so sad. You’re bringing all of us down.”

“Sorry Solo…I can’t help how low this is making me feel. Have you ever felt like there’s a hole in your chest and it hurts so bad sometimes that you can barely breathe? That’s how I’m constantly feeling. Constantly.”

“You have to stay strong. You have to stay strong and not give up.”

Tobin turned to her left and was shocked to see that Marta had joined the conversation. Her small tanned face was pensive and her jaw was set. She wore the look of a veteran soldier that had seen one too many fire fights and would never look at the world the same again. Tobin squinted her eyes at her trying to figure her out. But other than that far off stare, Marta’s expression revealed nothing.

“What the fuck would you know about it?” Carli responded rudely but Marta took no notice. She kept her shell shocked gaze trained on Tobin and answered the question robotically as if Tobin had been the one to ask.

“I know plenty about it. I know plenty about mother’s flying off the handle when they find out their daughter is gay. I’ve been dealing with it for a long time now. Its not easy but the last thing you want to do is give up.”

“Well….one, no one was fucking talking to you. Two, no one gives a flying fuck. Three, no one ever said Tobin was giving up on Alex. And four, NO ONE WAS FUCKING TALKING….”

Hope turned around and gave Carli an incredulous look swatting her lightly on the arm. “Stop princess. Shut up already! You don’t have to be so rude.” Hope said clapping a hand over Carli’s mouth and lowering her voice so that she could keep the conversation between her and her best friend.

“Fuck her. I only tolerate her because I have to. She tried to hurt one of my friends and that’s something I won’t let go.”

Hope had an amused smirk on her face from the moment she gave her best friend a warning look but it had grown into a full blown genuine smile. The type of smile that would have Kelley’s knees turn to jello in a New York minute.

“You bothered cuz someone else was doing the dirty fouling and didn’t give you a chance to do it?” She laughed. Carli’s glare was even more comical when she couldn’t suppress the smile that was fighting its way through.

“Shut the fuck up Solo I’m serious!” Carli replied laughing and lightly shoving her friend.

“I know you are dude, I don’t trust her either but lighten up! We are here for Tobin and that has nothing to do with Marta. If something she’s telling her is gonna help then just let her.”

“Whatever, I have my eye on that ugly troll looking bitch.” This set Hope into a rare fit of laughter. Tobin couldn’t help laughing along with her friends. She had never heard Carli get so worked up and she found herself once again feeling very fortunate to have a group of friends that cared enough to watch her back even when she didn’t really know it needed watching.

Tobin was confused by Marta’s behavior but it was the least of her worries. She had a game tonight and she would see Alex after two whole weeks of pain. She had hoped that Alex would be there right when school let out so she could have as much time with her as possible before the game. Cindy hadn’t made the first game and since she wasn’t on speaking terms with Tobin there was a good chance she wouldn’t be attending.

The closer the bell came to ringing the more anxious Tobin got. She had one more class and then she would be free to scour the gym to see who if anyone had shown up. English AP always flew by so she wasn’t too worried but this Spanish class had lulled to a near screeching halt. She counted the minutes that rolled by as painfully slow as a drop of a sap on a tree trunk in the dead of winter. A bitter winter that had packed Tobin’s heart in a bed of ice. She felt nothing now, nothing concerned her but the thought of soft lips, small hands and the raspy voice of her beautiful girlfriend. Then and only then did she feel like her heart my have a chance to thaw out if only for a moment.

“Mrs. Heath? Maybe you would like to translate what I just said since you seem so interested in the clock?” Mrs. Gutierrez suddenly spoke up.

“Yo se que tienes un juego esta noche pero todavia necesitas poner atencion!”

Tobin looked to her right at Hope who she figured would throw her a line.

“What the fuck did she say?” Tobin whispered frantically.

Hope’s silent laugh shook her body and her eyes filled with tears when she saw the deer in the head lights look from her friend. Carli soon joined in the laughter.

“Uh…sorry dude….you’re on your own with this one!” Hope managed to squeak out through tears and laughter.

Tobin looked to the head of the class and saw Mrs. Gutierrez waiting for an answer with her arms crossed.

“Uh….well yes ma’am, I do have a game tonight and I’m sorry but I have a lot on my plate. What did you need me to translate?”

This set off an explosion of laughter from the entire class and even Mrs. Gutierrez couldn’t help herself.

“What the fuck is so funny dude?” Tobin said turning around to look at Valerie who was normally quiet but had been overcome with laughter as well.

“You are so fucking clueless dude. Who gives a fuck what she said before that cuz you obviously translated what she said after so I think we can say that you pretty much know your shit.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck, I really am oblivious.)

The bell rang suddenly and Tobin shot straight up out of her seat getting ready to sprint out of the room to next period. Mrs. Gutierrez caught her by the arm as she ran by.

“Oye, esperate speedy Gonzalez. Quiero hablar contigo.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fffffuuuuccccckkkk, no more translations. I just wanna go!)

“Mrs. G, I’m gonna be late for English class.”

The blonde teacher waved her hand dismissively and walked over to her desk to sit down. Once in her seat she motioned Tobin over to a chair she had pulled up beside her desk.

If Tobin had to guess she would say that Mrs. Gutierrez was in her early 50s but she had definitely aged well. She was a very attractive older woman and Tobin had heard rumors that she had been in a few beauty pageants as a teenager. Tobin wouldn’t be surprised if those rumors were true along with other rumors that Mrs. Gutierrez was seriously dating the principal. Even Pinoe admitted one day, “I’d do it.” Tobin couldn’t stop laughing when she saw the look on Pinoe’s face. Eyebrows waggling, eyes wide and head nodding in approval as she checked Mrs. Gutierrez out in the cafeteria that day. This got Tobin going again causing the teacher to furrow her eyebrows in confusion.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fucking Pinoe.)

“Nothing, just…nothing, sorry.” Tobin replied to the questioning look the blonde was giving her.

“Tobin you are one of my best students. You are usually very engaged and you have one of the highest averages in my class but lately you’ve been real distracted! What am I gonna do with you mi amor?!”

Tobin smiled at the nickname and for some stupid reason she felt her cheeks flush a little.

(Tobin’s brain notes: No, wait what the fuck am I doing? Why am I blushing?)

“Se que cuando estas joven, cosas pueden pasar que te hacen sentir que tu mundo se va parar pero eso es la vida y te lo seguro que no es cierto.”

Tobin sighed and looked down.

“I know but….”

“Ah, ah, ah contestame en espanol.”

“Oh come on Mrs. G. You know I can understand but I hate to speak Spanish.”

“Espanol Tobin.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck)

“No puedo concentrar. Siempre estoy pensando de mis problemas con mi familia y con mi….con….estoy…enamorada de alguien.”

Mrs. Gutierrez got up and smiled at Tobin. She gave her a sympathetic rub on the back.

“I know that everything gets thrown upside down when you’re in love Tobinsita but you really have to stay alert in class.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ha Tobinsita…that’s a new one. I have to tell Alex that she’s not the master of nick names after all. Mrs. G is giving her some good comp)

“Whatever it is it will work itself out. Trust me. I know about love too don’t think I don’t. I’ve lived longer than you. Come here and give me a hug.”

Tobin hesitated but Mrs. Gutierrez’s smile was so welcoming that she didn’t hesitate much longer.

Tobin felt the blonde’s arms surround her and she couldn’t help smiling at the warmth and delicious yet subtle smell of the woman’s perfume.

“Its’ going to be ok. I’m here if you want to talk. There is always someone to listen.”

Mrs. Gutierrez held Tobin at arms length so she could look at her.

“You’re one of my favorite students Tobin.” She looked around after this confession and dramatically shifted her eyes from side to side as if trying to hide her confession from any prying ears outside of her classroom door. The sight was comical and endearing and Tobin chuckled lightly shaking her head.

“Thanks Mrs. G.”

“Ok now come here so I can write you an excuse for Mrs. Luera.”

***************************************************

“Hey Tobs where were you? Me and Press were about to send out a search party.” Lauren inquired after she watched her best friend give a slip of paper to their English teacher.

“Eh, Mrs. G wanted to talk to me about my lack of concentration in her class.”

“Are you ok?” Christen asked lightly grabbing Tobin’s hand.

“Yea, I’m good Press. It’s just not easy hiding who you are and being in love at the same time. I know neither of you know what I’m talking about but trust me it hurts.” Tobin sighed as she began to rub her temple against the small headache that felt like it might grow into a rager. Tobin looked up into Christen’s eyes and saw a flicker of pain cross her features but it was gone before she could question it.

“Isn’t she coming to the game tonight? How long has it been since you’ve seen or talked to her?”

“Two weeks.” Lauren answered before Tobin could open her mouth.

“How do you know?” Tobin asked turning her attention to her best friend in wide eyed wonder.

“Indeed…how do I know? How do you think I know? Tobin you don’t talk about anything or anyone else. Alex’s name is constantly coming out of your mouth and even when we don’t talk about her, you randomly bring her up just so you can moon over her some more!” Lauren’s tone was filled with exasperation but it was mostly humor. She knew her friend was in love and she had fallen fast. She just didn’t like where things were going and she was concerned where they would end up.

(Lauren’s brain notes: I don’t want you to get hurt babe. God it always happens to the sweetest people and you are as sweet as they come.)

“Sorry L.” Tobin said with a hint of shame audible in her voice. She felt Christen’s hand briefly squeeze hers before she finally let go and turned her attention to the teacher who was writing something on the board.

“Hey its ok love. I just wish I could do something for you so you wouldn’t always be so sad.”

“Can’t really change things. Just have to wait it out I guess.” Tobin’s features were strained and pensive. Lauren looked up to the front of the class and found that Mrs. Luera was still writing on the board.

“I think she just writes on that thing to see her own hand writing. Its nice hand writing but dam she looks like a teenager writing on a notebook cover.” Lauren whispered over at Tobin who in turn looked up to witness their kooky teacher.

Tobin smiled and covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. Press turned around and let out a small giggle. Her smile was radiant and she had a habit of licking her lips and slightly sucking her teeth when she grinned this wide. Tobin couldn’t help feeling mesmerized by that smile. Tobin and about 85% of the population at Kennedy High.

“Ok, today we are going over our notes for the test on the first 5 chapters of Wuthering Heights assuming that all of you did your reading assignment and then we’re going to do some in-class reading.”

The class groaned in response. The teacher turned around finally giving her back to the chalk board she compulsively wrote on and eyed her class through small black rimmed glasses. She swept her shoulder length black hair out of her face with the hand that wasn’t holding the chalk. Mrs. Luera made it a point to choose the hand with which she would hold the piece of chalk so she could avoid getting chalk smudges on her face or clothes but it wasn’t fool proof. The students always snickered quietly when they saw their teacher decorated with the powdery substance that was hard to get off once it had set in. They even had running pools to see if Mrs. Luera would have chalk on her face that day when they walked in. They also had bets going to see how long it would take for their teacher to adorn herself with a white mark or how long it would take her to realize she had a mark and wipe it off. Mrs. Luera knew about this as well as any seasoned teacher knew about the ins and outs of high school but she paid these things no mind. She was there to do a job and a little chalk on her face wasn’t going to embarrass her.

“We could do in class reading or I could just give you a pop quiz on the chapters you were assigned to read.”

“I think we are good with the reading.” Christen spoke up smiling a little at their teacher.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Class president, winning smile, gorgeous face, highest GPA in the entire sophomore class and this teacher is eating out of the palm of her hand. ‘Thank you Miss Press’ those will be her next words.)

“Thank you Miss Press.” Mrs. Luera said as if reading Tobin’s mind word for word.

“Pppppffffftttttt” Tobin sputtered before she began laughing. This always happened when Tobin wanted to hold her laugh in the most. There were times when no matter how hard she bit her tongue or held her breath the laugh was determined to come out and it was always times like this when it was sure to get her in trouble.

“Is there something you’d like to add Tobin? Or maybe you’d like to do your reading assignment in detention after school. I’m sure the volley ball coach would love that.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Dam I’m on a winning streak today. First Spanish and now this.)

“No ma’am, I’d rather read here with you guys.”

“Ok now that everyone has exhausted their ideas of how to disturb my class, lets start reading. Since you’re so eager Tobin, you can start us off and then Miss Press will continue. Back to front today.”

Tobin read a few paragraphs mindlessly. She hadn’t realized she wasn’t retaining anything she was reading until she got to a certain quote and it caused her to choke on her words and tap Christen on the shoulder so she could take over.

“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

Lauren looked over at Tobin when the teacher had her back turned. Tobin’s eyes glazed over and her book lay open in her hands but she wasn’t looking at it. With the look on Tobin’s face it seemed as if she wasn’t really looking at anything because she really wasn’t here. Lauren didn’t take long to figure out who Tobin was thinking about.

Tobin loved to read and always looked forward to reading assignments in class. Up until this point she had read plenty of books, good books but none that ever struck a chord with her until now.

The dark and destructive love between Catherine Earnshaw and Heathcliff.

The eccentric pairing between scoundrel and aristocrat. The odds against them, the purposeful hurting of one another. The jealousy and love and rage and beauty of it all but the intensity. The intensity of their timeless love is really what Tobin related to the most. When it came right down to it, that intensity is what she felt for Alex every second of every day and like Heathlcliff, it had consumed her.

*******************************************************

“Hey dudes! Ready for the game?!” Tobin said excitedly as she met up with Ashlyn and Ali outside her English class when the bell rang.

“You look like you just swallowed 10 pounds of spazzy mcgee. Glad to see you smiling.” Ashlyn said laughing.

Ali stared at her girlfriend and Tobin ached when she saw how intense the look was. She wanted that interaction with her girlfriend. She wanted to wake up to it and go to sleep to it and walk through life with it.

“Baby you are so adorable.” Ali mumbled grabbing Ashlyn’s ass.

“Ew ew ew ew you two behave, Tobin and I have virgin eyes!” Christen said using one hand to cover her eyes and the other to cover Tobin’s.

Tobin giggled and wrapped an arm around Christen’s waist as she reached up to remove the forwards slender hand from her eyes.

“Speak for yourself Pressie. You mean you have sensitive STRAIGHT eyes. You’re on your own with that one.” Tobin’s smile was bright and she had finally allowed herself to feel happy about seeing Alex. Tobin was locked in a half way embrace and didn’t realize how close she was to Christen’s face until she saw the anti-Alex look down to her lips and saw her throat work to swallow. Then they heard someone clearing their throat.

All four girls turned to see Valerie standing there looking at the intimate scene with a look of confusion on her face.

“Hey Val, what’s up? Are you coming to watch us play?” Ali asked brightly with a gorgeous smile accompanied by the Alexandra Blaire Krieger trademark nose crinkle.

Tobin was unaffected and then completely confused and then hurt? Yes she had to admit she felt a little hurt when Christen tensed up, then unwrapped her arms from around Tobin’s neck and finally yanked herself away from Tobin’s body as if she would contract a disease by association.

“Uh…ok, well let’s go you two. Don’t want to interrupt anything important.” Tobin said rather sarcastically and walked off down the hall to the locker room with Ali and Ashlyn. As she walked by, she saw that Christen wore a look of panic, fear and sadness. She looked into Tobin’s eyes as if pleading.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Why the fuck is she looking at me like that?! She acts like I pushed HER away. Fucking girls I swear.)

Tobin pushed the thought out of her head but not before wondering if Christen was being mistreated or kept in constant control by Valerie. She made a mental note to try to talk to Christen about it later.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fat chance Tobin. You’d have to get her to admit it first)

Just as she was finishing this thought she walked into the locker room a few paces behind the beautiful couple and was mowed down by 110 lbs of Alexandra Morgan.

*****************************************************

The first few minutes were spent re familiarizing themselves with each other’s lips, mouths and tongues. Alex’s legs were wrapped firmly around Tobin’s waist and Tobin easily held her girlfriends small frame by wrapping her arms underneath Alex’s body. Their make out session grew more and more intense as the seconds ticked by. Tobin loved the hungry sensation she felt from Alex. She had never felt more wanted by anyone before she met Alex. The sensation was deliciously dizzying.

The two teenagers finally broke the kiss to look at each other for the first time. Tobin looked into her girlfriends eyes and saw a fire there that took her breath away.

“Hi baby. Its so fucking good to see your face.” Alex whispered as her eyes flickered from Tobin’s lips to her eyes and back down to her lips again. Alex bit her lip and went in for another lingering kiss. They broke the kiss again.

“Hi gorgeous. I missed you so much.” Tobin said in a voice thick with emotion.

Alex and Tobin began to kiss again this time without a hint of haste in their movements. Slowly and languidly the minutes passed them by as they stayed attached at the lips.

“Hey!....Oh shit guys you better take that shit in one of the stalls or something…coach mitts is…” Pinoe tried to get out but it was too late.

Coach Mitts was the JV volleyball coach and the assistant coach for the varsity team so she always helped the head coach with getting the players in line for pre game practice.

“Oh shit.” Tobin let out as she broke the kiss and turned to look into the shocked and amused expression of her soccer coach.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is gonna get back to my mom. I’m fucked)

Alex held Tobin around the waist and didn’t flinch. Her posture let out an aura of confidence and there was definitely zero fear evident in her small 16 yr old body.

“Oh really?! So you two think this is some kind of secret get away where you can just go at it in front of everyone and its cool because you don’t give a shit? Come on Tobin I expect more from you. And you…do you even go to this school? Last I checked you play for our rivals.” Coach Mitts said looking at the disheveled appearance of the teenagers with an amused smirk on her face.

“Sorry coach, it won’t happen again.” Tobin said lowering her gaze in embarrassment.

“Oh, I don’t know Tobin, I think it is gonna happen again. I’m sure its gonna happen all the time am I right Miss Morgan?”

Tobin thought she had misheard until she saw Pinoe throw her head back and laugh.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Nope you’re not hearing shit. She really said that.)

Coach Mitts was enjoying this. She was getting a kick out of putting them on the spot and making the situation as awkward as possible.

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh she wants us to feel awkward? We’ll just see who feels awkward when this is over)

“Quiet Megan. Go change. This doesn’t concern you.” Coach Mitts told Pinoe taking a quick second to side-glance to her left where the blonde was standing and then quickly directing her attention back to the couple in front of her.

Both Tobin and Alex found the sight odd when Pinoe leaned over and whispered something in the coach’s ear before walking into the open area of the locker room.

“Well? I asked you a question Miss Morgan? Do you have an answer?”

“Coach-“

“No Tobin its ok.” Alex said in the sweetest voice she could muster. The sweetness paired with the raspiness of her voice caused Tobin to break out in goose bumps and when Alex kissed her on the cheek she felt her face grow hot under her lips.

“Yes Heather. It will happen again. Kissing and touching and….”

“Ok that’s enough. Look, I don’t want to see that anymore. If you’re gonna be doing shit like that you have to have some respect. You don’t see me all over my husband during soccer season or when he helps out with the teams during the off season. This stays between us but I don’t want to see it anymore do you both understand me?”

“Yes ma’am” the girls said in unison.

(Alex’s brain notes: Ppppffffttt we all know the real reason you’re not all over your husband Heather)

Tobin’s fear was slowly dissipating as the coach walked past them. Right before thr blonde turned the corner she looked back over her shoulder’ “Oh and ALEX, my name is coach Mitts. You may not play for our team but you can still call me coach. Maybe it will encourage you to transfer to play for a winning team.” The blonde said with a smirk and finally left the teenagers alone.

“Oh my God I almost shit my pants!” Tobin said with a sigh of relief and sat on the bench that was propped up against the wall of the entrance tunnel to the locker room. Alex chuckled lightly and raked her fingers through Tobin’s hair. The tanned teenager closed her eyes in pleasure at the sensation.

“You know she wants you on our team right?” Tobin tells Alex looking up into the blue sparkling eyes that still managed to leave her breathless after all this time.

“I'm already on your team though.” Alex said catching a small piece of her tongue between her teeth as she grinned at Tobin. “Besides, she’s hot…your coach. Maybe I SHOULD transfer….hmmm.”

“Oh really? That’s how it is?” Tobin said as she stood up aggressively moving into Alex’s personal space. Alex’s breath hitched at the sudden movement and change in proximity between their bodies.

Alex bit her lip and looked into Tobin’s eyes that quickly started to spark with a fire Alex had never seen. The teenagers touched foreheads and then Alex felt Tobin slink and arm around her lower back pulling her in even closer.

“Mmm hm, I think she’d be nice to look at while I lead this team to victory.” Alex purred.

Both girls were smiling at each other with only an inch separating their faces. Tobin slowly leaned in for a kiss closing the space until their lips were about to touch and then she suddenly let go of Alex completely.

“Oh I see. Well go take a good look at her then.” Tobin said quickly walking around the corner. Alex stood there for a few seconds trying to gain the feeling back in her knees. She looked perplexed with her mouth slightly agape and her eyes clouded with lust. When she regained her composure she sprinted into the locker room and caught up to her girlfriend. Tobin heard the light quick footsteps but kept her back turned until she felt Alex’s weight again as she jumped on her back and wrapped her legs around her waist.

Tobin caught Alex with ease and without the slightest stumble or stutter in her step.

“I love YOU Tobin. Only you.” The blue-eyed beauty whispered in Tobin’s ear causing the brown-eyed girl to liquefy from the inside out.

***************************************************

Alex was sitting with the team as they stretched and was giving Tobin a back massage when Christen bolted into the locker room. Tobin noticed her red rimmed eyes before she noticed anything else and she immediately grew concerned.

“What happened to her?” Alex whispered in Tobin’s ear from her position behind her. Tobin’s body reacted to Alex’s warm breath before her mind could register the question and she moaned involuntarily.

When her team mates shot her a few amused looks she shrugged her shoulders sheepishly as if to say, “Hey what can you do? Girl is good with her hands.”

Tobin laughed at the thought and immediately felt bad when she saw that Christen had heard her and probably thought she was laughing at her for some stupid reason. Tobin mentally face palmed before turning to Alex and telling her she was going to talk to Christen.

“Ok baby. I’ll be sitting over here waiting for you.”

Tobin got to her feet but before she could walk over coach Mitts came out of the office and told them to “Get your asses in the gym and start practicing your serves and formations.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck…I hope she’s ok.)

Alex stood up and gave Tobin a long drawn out hug.

“I’ll see your fine ass on the court. I’ll be sitting with the girls. I better get out there before you guys or its gonna look like I’m part of your team.” Alex laughed and quickly kissed Tobin while the coach had her back turned. “For good luck but I know you don’t need it.”

Alex began to slowly make her way out of the locker room and every ‘lesbian eye’ followed her every move but Tobin couldn't care less.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s mine.)

“Hey, you are part of my team remember?” Tobin called out before Alex disappeared around the corner.

Alex turned around with a radiant smile plastered on her face that set off a series of explosions inside her girlfriend and caused every other girl in a 2-mile radius to fall in love.

“Always baby.” She said with a wink and blew Tobin a kiss before finally retreating to the gym with the rest of the fans.


	13. The Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm sorry mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry but tonight I'm cleaning out my closet." 
> 
> -MM

 

_Katie at age 18…._

_Cindy: Katie you’re starting to gain weight. Better watch it. Do you really want to be fat for the rest of your life?_

_Katie: Of course I don’t mom._

_Cindy: Well you better get on a diet._

_Sam (Katie’s boyfriend): Babe? This is a nice restaurant and I wanted you to order anything you wanted. It is our anniversary you know. You can order a salad anywhere._

_Katie: I’m on a diet Sam._

_Sam: Wha!!! What’s there left to lose? You are absolutely beautiful. What do you weigh? Like 110?_

_Katie: No…115…see! You think I weigh less than I do! She was right. I am gaining._

_Sam: Huh? Who are you talking about?_

_Katie: My mom noticed that I was gaining weight and now I know for sure that I am._

_Sam: Baby please trust me on this. I just took a stab in the dark. You’re way underweight for your height did you know that? Why are we even talking about your mom and her twisted views during this special day? This is supposed to only be about us. We’ve been together for three years! I’m in love with you and you are the most beautiful woman in the world! Come on, let’s share a steak ok? Compromise?_

_Katie: Ok babe._

_(Katie’s brain notes: I really need to lose those 5 pounds.)_

_Perry at age 6….._

_Perry: Mama, mama look I like these! I found them over there. I want them for school._

_Cindy: Let’s see what you got here. Ok 3 pairs of pants and 2 shirts. Ok, what did I tell you about sizes Perry?_

_Perry: I’m 6 mama so I get size 6 right?_

_Cindy: No way. I wish. You have to make sure it has hmmm about 2 or 3 Xs next to the 6 Perry. You know all those extra Xs for all of this extra stomach you have here. *Pokes at the tiny 6 yr old stomach that is slightly protruding.*_

_(Perry’s brain notes: Oh…I’m fat? I’m…fat!)_

_**********************************************************_

Running out to pre game practice was exhilarating and exciting when Alex was in the stands watching. Every jump was higher, every attack at the net more aggressive and every dig precisely placed. Tobin laughed louder, smiled bigger and horsed around more with Pinoe. Anything to make sure she had all of her girlfriend’s attention. But Alex didn’t need extra reminders. Tobin was wearing tight spandex shorts that were almost as short as the NIKE pros they wore under their uniform shorts when she had national league play during the summer and Alex could not tear her eyes away. In the locker room, Tobin had tear away sweat pants that covered up her tan muscular legs but as she made her way out she stripped herself of these quickly with the rest of her team mates.

“Alex Morgan, you’re drooling!” Kelley yelled laughing and clapping her hands. Syd and Kristie chuckled a little but looked at Alex with stars in their eyes. (Kristie's brain notes: Wow, she's really in love with her. That is so cute!) Alex’s face turned beet red in 5 seconds flat.

“Oh my God Kell could you have said that any louder!” Alex said laughing and pushing the small defender so she crashed into her girlfriend who was sitting next to her.

“Hey children why don’t you settle down or I’ll have to ground you. Well, you anyway Kell. Tobin can ground Alex if she wants.”

“Huh, Tobin doesn’t need to ground me. Cindy already has us both grounded.”

“Yup, who knew you would get smother love from two mothers when you made it official with Tobs.” Kelley said regretfully.

Alex scoffed loudly shaking her head. “Its not love at all. At least not for me. Cindy fucking hates me. Blames me for “corrupting” her daughter.” Alex lifted her arms making air quotations with her fingers.

“Hey hey don’t start with this sad bullshit again. I’ve been dealing with it from Tobin in Spanish like everyday. You’re here and you get to check her out in spandex so don’t even start pouting.”

Kelley and Alex burst into a round of hysterical laughter.

“She does have nice legs though and a cute little butt. She’s so gorgeous. Dammit Kell she really drives me crazy. I just want to….mmmm.”

“Ok Lex TMI. Watch what you say before you get this one all worked up.”

“What the….you’re the one that attacked me during lunch the other day!”

"Holy shit is that why you two were acting so squirrelly?? I mean I expected it from Kelley but not you Hope!" Syd said with eyes that had widened and she pointed an accusatory finger at the couple.

 

“SHHHHh shutup! Shutup, shutup, shutup or you’ll never get any again.” Kelley told Hope giving her a little warning glare.

“Uuuugghhh you always have to pull that card and I always fall for it but not anymore. You cant abstain from having sex with ME baby. I’m not worried.” Hope looked into the freckled face of her girlfriend and smiled smugly before turning her attention back to Alex.

“So this little sex monkey wants to start messing with me under the table in the cafeteria the other day! She was so determined to get into my pants that I had to hold both of her hands down for her to stop!”

Kelley had resorted to climbing all over Hope to try to get her to stop talking but it was no use. Hope handled her small body easily and without even breaking a sweat she held her against her body and had her in a vice grip embrace. Kelley tried to wiggle a little but it was no use.

“I swear it got so bad that we had to book it to the restroom after lunch because she had to have it right then and by then she had me so turned on I was about to explode! And she’s talking shit about me!”

Alex and Lemew burst out laughing so loud that some of the players and fans that started to arrive looked over at them curiously.

“Hope you are such an asshole!” Kelley sat there in a Solo straightjacket quirking her mouth to the side in her version of the Mckayla Maroney ‘Not Impressed’ face. This just made Alex laugh even harder.

Tobin looked up to the stands where her friends and girlfriend were sitting and her heart swelled at the sight of her girlfriend genuinely happy. Tobin smiled whimsically at the sound of Alex’s laughter and those familiar butterflies danced a little jig in the pit of her stomach.

(Tobin’s brain notes: God she is so amazing. I will never get tired of that laugh.)

Alex caught sight of Tobin mid laughter and shook her head at her as she motioned to the couple next to her as if explaining the reason for her outburst.

Tobin threw out her 1000 mega watt smile and bit her lip. Alex abandoned laughing immediately in favor of staring at the gorgeous smile that was being directed at her. She had no air in her lungs to laugh anyway. Oxygen had abandoned her. She realized that oxygen and her weren’t the best of friends whenever Tobin was around and the thought made her want to laugh again but…that pesky oxygen. So she smiled back instead.

Lauren and Jrue soon joined the group and right before the team went back into the locker room, Valerie and Marta took their seats close but not too close to the group of sophomores.

Tobin took one last look at Alex before following her team into the hall that would lead to the locker room and Alex blew her one last kiss. Tobin blew one back and went inside.

“You two are so perfect together. I wish you didn’t have to work so hard just to see each other.” Ali said as Krashlyn walked together swinging their joined hands.

“Well, its definitely worth fighting for and that’s what I’m gonna do.” Tobin said throwing a determined look at her friends.

Ashlyn nodded in agreement. “You have to fight sometimes to keep what you love.”

Tobin caught sight of Christen at her locker and she briskly walked over so she could talk to her before the coach came out to address them.

“Hey Press…is everything ok? Don’t say no because I can tell something is wrong.”

“If you know something is wrong then why are you asking me if I’m ok? Whatever you want to know I can’t tell you so you might as well stop right there.” Christen’s voice was low and sad and it broke Tobin’s heart.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you but I care about you and I’m worried. I’ll always be here for you and I just don’t want anyone hurting you.”

“Well no one is so just forget it.” Christen had taken a seat on one of the benches in front of her locker and was currently looking down at her socked feet. Her voice sounded hollow and tired and Tobin didn’t have to be told that she didn’t want to discuss this anymore.

“Ok, well it sounds like you would rather be alone right now so I’ll just leave.” Tobin’s voice was thick and regret filled as she turned to walk away.

“Tobin…” Christen caught Tobin’s hand and pulled it lightly. “I’m sorry. I…don’t want to be rude to you. I didn’t mean to be rude.”

Tobin turned and looked into blue eyes that were bursting with pain and sadness and she felt that she could relate to that pain even if she didn’t know why her friend was hurting.

“Its ok Press. There’s nothing you have to apologize for. I know something is going on and its cool if you don’t want to tell me but I hope one day you can trust me enough to talk to me about it. I just want to help.”

“No one can help me. Its something I have to handle myself.”

“Ok, well you’re not alone. Don’t forget that.”

“I won’t.” Christen stood and wrapped her arms around Tobin’s slender figure squeezing tighter than she had ever squeezed before. Tobin held Christen with care. She felt the steadiness of her heart beat against her chest and it made her feel calm and safe. She hoped she was making Christen feel the same.

“Can I ask you something?”

Tobin knew that her question may go unanswered. She even expected a shocking expression from those sad blue eyes that were resting on her shoulder at the moment. But she never expected what came of it.

“You can ask but I’m not sure I’ll have the answer you’re looking for.” Christen said softly.

“Yea I thought you’d say that.”

Tobin and Christen were still locked in an embrace and had begun to sway a little from side to side as if weighing the importance of their friendship. The slight movement seemed to soothe the two teenagers.

“Are you with Val?”

The swaying stopped and Tobin could feel Christen’s body stiffen in her arms.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’ve guessed right on the money or I’ve offended her but I’m pretty sure I guessed right.)

Christen slowly pulled away so she could look at Tobin. Her slender arms remained gathered around the lower half of Tobin’s waist. If Alex had been watching without knowing what was going on, this position and the hug would look a little questionable. But there was no doubt about who held Tobin’s heart. Christen knew it and Tobin knew it. So maybe Christen’s answer wasn’t exactly lip service. She knew that Tobin was 100% dedicated to Alex so she felt safer saying it.

“Tobin, I’m straight but if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be with Valerie. She’s like my best friend. We got real close over the summer but it wouldn’t be her. If I had a girlfriend it would be you.”

Tobin was flattered even though she knew that it was a nice way of lying. If she wasn’t almost 100% sure Christen was in a relationship with Valerie she might have let herself believe it. But for now she had to take it realistically. Take it as a little compliment accompanied by a lie to make the sour part a little easier to swallow.

“Thanks for the compliment Press even though I know it’s a lie.”

“Wha…I’m seri-“

“Ok ladies let’s gather around so I can give you the starting line up!”

****************************************************

The entrance music for the team was playing and the girls were all huddled at the door to the gym getting ready to run out for their warm ups.

Excitement in the pit of their stomachs. Adrenaline dancing through their veins and Tobin smiling widely just thinking about how perfect the rest of the night would be with her girlfriend in the stands and the time she would be able to spend with her after. Nothing could bring her down. Tobin Heath backed by the unconditional love of her girl was ready to conquer anything.

The doors were thrust open and the team filed out in two lines running on either side of the court and then they met in the middle for their chant. Tobin concentrated on what she was doing knowing that she could easily mess up the entrance run if she wasn’t focused. She had every intention of looking to the stands after just for another eye full of her blue eyed beauty.

When she finally managed to look up to where the love of her life sat, she found a very upset Alex looking back at her. Tobin immediately grew concerned. What could’ve possibly made Alex that upset?

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh no what did I do wrong?)

Tobin wracked her brain trying to figure out what she could’ve possibly done and as she turned to the opposite end of the gym to line up for their first drill she saw it. Saw her. And the distaste on her mother’s face mirrored that of her girlfriend on the other end.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This can’t be fucking happening. Murphy’s fucking law. I swear I hate that motherfucker.)

Tobin’s happiness plummeted to the gym floor soon to be trampled by her teammates. The same trampled feeling her heart had just experienced at the sight of her mother.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I’m living a fucking nightmare. It lures me in by starting off perfect and then it turns into this shit. I just can’t catch a fucking break!)

Tobin ghosted through warm ups in a haze of cold sweat and nausea. Before taking a seat on the bench she glanced a few rows up where Alex should have been sitting but she wasn’t there. Her friends sat there all accounted for which only made Alex’s absence more noticeable.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Just when things couldn’t get any worse…she leaves. But what else could she have done? This is how its always gonna be. No matter what I do or how hard I fight things are never gonna change because my mom will never bend. How long will Alex put up with this?) Tobin bit her lip and tried to keep the impending tears from falling. She felt her face heat up and her mouth began to fill with saliva.

“Tobin, what’s going on? You look really pale sweetie. Are you feeling sick?” Christen asked as she sat down next to Tobin and tried making eye contact with her. Tobin was staring into space trying to figure out a way to make this work even if her mother was determined to destroy it. She hadn’t registered or heard one word out of Christen’s mouth.

“Tobin! Hey, you look like you’re sick babe. What is going on?” Christen snapped her fingers in front of Tobin’s face to get her attention. The sound of the forward’s voice was becoming shrill with impatience and mounting concern.

“My…my ma-mother’s here and she saw Alex here too and now Alex is gone and I don’t know how I’m gonna deal with this relationship if my mother will never except it Press. What the fuck am I gonna Do?!”

Tobin would remember later that Christen was so concerned about her that she didn’t even realized she had cursed. No flinch or cringe just concern.

“Dam dude Alex looks pissed! Never seen her like that.” Pinoe interjected as the rest of the team started taking their seats.

“What? I-I thought she left!”

“Na dude she just walked back up to the bleachers with the girls and she looks pissed. I think your mom told her something dude.”

“No. No my mom is not confrontational. More so because there is an entire audience to watch them argue and she would never want anyone knowing that they were arguing about Alex and I being in a relationship. Are you kidding? She’d die of shame!” Tobin said barking out a sarcastic little laugh which sounded both sad and angry.

Ashlyn and Ali sat next to Pinoe and were listening in on the conversation between their friends. Ashlyn saw movement from the corner of her eye and looked up to the stands where the group of girls sat. Alex was waving her hands animatedly to try to get someone’s attention. When she made eye contact with Ashlyn she pointed over at Tobin and mouthed, “Tell her to turn around.”

Ashlyn looked over at her friend and saw her worry streaked face.

“Tobin! Hey Tobs! Look behind you!” Ashlyn whisper screamed.

Tobin turned her head and saw Alex sitting there with a sad smile. Alex mouthed an apology, which just confused Tobin even further.

Tobin squinted her eyes trying to figure out what was going on and Alex saw this. She didn’t want Tobin to worry about anything right before she was going to start the game. Alex looked to her left and right as if trying to figure out a quick way to explain herself and then just shrugged her shoulders and began to walk down the bleachers toward the bench.

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh well. It’s not like she doesn’t know I’m here. Might as well talk to my girlfriend while I can.)

Tobin’s eyes widened with shock at the sight of Alex making her way toward her. Her thoughts and emotions were conflicting on overdrive and she thought her head might explode. She felt excited and panicked, in love and angry, helpless and enamored.

Alex walked all the way down to very bottom seat of the bleachers that sat right behind the bench. She sat and smiled at Tobin. Tobin slipped her hand out of her lap and held it out so Alex could take it. Their fingers intertwined and even with the whole volleyball and soccer team watching, the couple spoke as if they were the only two people in the gym.

“Hi baby. You…you are amazing did you know that?” Alex’s voice was feather light and thick with adoration. Tobin’s pulse did a racing tap dance high on the side of her neck at the sound.

“No, no I didn’t but if you think I am then that pretty much makes me feel amazing.”

“Baby, I’m sorry. I may have ran into your mom on the way to the concession earlier and we may have exchanged a few words.”

“Oh…ok baby. Are you ok?”

“Yea but I think you’re right. The way she’s acting…well I don’t have a lot of experience with crazy mothers but it’s not hard to see that she’s not backing down. I’m sorry if I was a bitch to your mother baby. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I mean…she’s keeping me from the only person I want to be with and it’s driving me…”

“Hey, you don’t have to explain that to me. I understand. I just want to make you happy and I feel like I’m not and I can’t sleep at night thinking that I could be holding you and I’m not and you can have anyone you want that can give you all you want and I’m…I’m nothing Alex. I’m just a girl that’s locked in a prison and you deserve better….you deserve the world.”

“Hey, hey shut your mouth already are you crazy! I don’t want anyone else. You are the only girl that makes me happy. Do you understand that I’m in love with you? Do you know what that means? I don’t need or want anyone else and I only want to be loved by you.”

“Alex you-your my everything but I don’t know how to get out of this prison.”

“Don’t worry about that. I will do what ever it takes to see you. She can’t keep me from you.”

“And she can’t keep me from you either. I’m with you.”

Alex lifted their joined hands and kissed Tobin’s knuckle lightly.

“I’ll go back up now since it looks like you’re about to start. Do good baby. I’ll be up here watching you in your cute little spandex.” Tobin blushed involuntarily at the comment and looked down.

“Is that all you came for?” Tobin asked shaking her head and laughing.

“Well I came to watch my hot ass girlfriend. The spandex were just a plus.” Alex laughed a little and kissed Tobin’s hand one last time before letting go.”

“I love you baby.”

Tobin sighed in contentment at the sound of those four words.

“I love YOU.”

“GGGGZZZZUUUUUSSSSS! You two are fucking fairy tale! Its grose!” Pinoe yelled clapping a hand on Tobin’s thigh as they all turned around to face the court.

Christen, Ali and Ashlyn all broke out into a chorus of laughter. HAO and Cap who were sitting on the other side of Tobin just looked on smiling and shaking their heads.

“You really forgot we were here didn’t you? You two are so fucking cute. Makes me want to slap you!” HAO smiled brightly and sighed.

“I-I’m sssorry guys…yea I forgot you assholes were all up in my business.”

“Uugggghhhhh so fucking cute!” Ali growled reaching over Pinoe’s lap to squeeze Tobin’s leg rather painfully.

“Hey…OW! Dam that grip Ali! You should be the keeper in the relationship!”

“Oh I am…trust me. You guys think Ash wears the pants but…mmmm let’s just say she’s a little kitten behind closed doors.” Ali smiled catching a little piece of tongue between her teeth and looking into the reddening face of her keeper.

“What tha….fuck! All you little WHORES! This is too much. I’m getting hit from all angles now. I’m moving to the end of the bench!” Pinoe said dramatically waving her hands in the air. As she got up to leave she received several slaps on the ass from her friends.

“Hey hey watch it. You guys can’t handle that.”

**********************************************************

The game was underway and Tobin pushed all thoughts of her impending doom out of her head. Her girlfriend had had an unpleasant exchange with her mom and her mom had witnessed them talking and holding hands form the other side of the court but Tobin was determined to play her best and live for the moment. It was a team effort after all.

Tobin heard her cheering section screaming extra loud as she made several difficult volleys work for the team that ended up resulting in match points and all her serves were on point.

Tobin along with 3 or 4 other starters were subbed out during the 3rd match since their team had a good lead. Tobin and Alex exchanged a few heavy glances and goofy smiles but Alex stayed put.

The end of the game came too soon and Tobin trudged out of the gym toward the locker room in no hurry to face her mother.

She walked down the hall straggling behind her teammates until she heard running footsteps behind her. She turned around just in time to catch Alex’s flying body.

“Is this how you’re always gonna greet me now? Cuz I love it!” Tobin said looking up to a beaming Alex that had once again wrapped her legs around her waist.

“Baby Oh my God who knew you could be so multi talented!”

Alex dropped her head down and connected her forehead with Tobin’s.

“Can’t wait to see what those big hands can do to my body.”

Tobin’s mouth went dry and her grip on Alex’s body tightened which happened to be the grip on Alex’s ass.

“Oh fuck.” Alex whispered as her body jolted forward closer into Tobin. Tobin let Alex down slowly and their bodies slid together as Alex’s face became level with Tobin’s. They were soon engaged in a very passionate make out session and completely forgot about their surroundings.

For the most part, students and faculty were the only people allowed in the back hallway leading to the locker room. But the double doors separating the gym and hallway had small long windows in the center of each door and anyone could pass by and witness whatever may be happening in that hallway.

Tobin and Alex didn’t care. They vaguely heard the double doors open and close a few times but they never broke apart. Until….

“You two should get a fucking room.” A voice filled with dark sarcasm and then laughter.

Tobin and Alex broke apart and turned around to see two retreating figures walking down the hall. The two unknowns were still laughing and then Marta turned around and winked at them.

“What a fucking box blocker.” Alex said loud enough for Marta and Val to hear even though they were pretty far down the hall by this point.

“Isn’t that the bitch that clipped me last season? I’d say she sounds a little jealous. I think she might like you baby.” Alex said connecting her forehead with Tobin’s again.

“Pppfffttt, anyone that sees me kissing you is jealous of ME not YOU.” The two teenagers began to sway in each other’s arms much as Tobin had done with Christen earlier but this swaying was charged with raging hormones and an intense need for the nearness of the others body.

(Alex’s brain notes: God I need her. I just need her hands on me or at least just to be in bed with her. I’m gonna go crazy soon. I know it. I want her so bad.)

“You better go baby before I take you right here in the hallway.” Alex’s voice was playful but it was weighed down by thick sexual tension and her eyes had turned a deep blue long ago. Tobin shivered under her gaze.

“Y-yea right baby. Talk is cheap.” Tobin said breathlessly.

They smiled at each other and shared one last chaste kiss before finally breaking apart.

“I’ll wait on the benches at the entrance of the locker room so I can say bye before you have to go out and face your mother.”

They held hands until they walked into the locker room. Tobin sped up the process of her shower and changing not because she was in any hurry to face her mother but more because Alex was waiting.

The hug and kiss they shared before Tobin left felt like it would be their last but only because they had no idea when they would see or hear from each other again. It was always a process of getting charged up to the max by seeing each other and then plummeting all the way down when they had to leave each other again. The uncertainty slowly gnawing away at their resolve little by little.

*****************************************************

“You…you are so…”

“Disgusting? What else you got for me? Come up with something new because that’s all I’ve heard come out of your mouth for a little over a month now. Got anything else for me?”

“I knew it was her. I knew she was a horrible influence. Why didn’t I listen to my instincts! And she just proved how disrespectful and trashy she really is! She said the ugliest things to me Tobin!”

“Oh you mean how she’s not gonna give up on me and that you can’t keep her away from me? Yea you’re right mom that sounds horrible. What do you expect? She loves me. She truly loves me and you’re locking me away in a prison because of it.”

“She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t love anyone but herself.”

“Ok mom.”

“I’m so…ashamed of you. How could you do this! You’re continuing this little relationship even after I told you to end it. I can’t believe you’re being so selfish! I’m so ashamed that you came out of my body!”

“There you go. That’s a new one. That’s original.”

“TOBIN! YOU WILL NEVER SEE OR TALK TO HER AGAIN! I MEAN IT! IT’S TIME YOU CHOSE!”

“Stop yelling at me mom. I’m right here. I can hear you. I don’t know how you can be so accepting of my friends and their relationships and you act like…”

“NO! THAT DOESN’T COUNT. THEY ARE NOT MY DAUGHTERS! YOU ARE MY DAUGHTRER AND MY DAUGHTER IS NOT A QUEER!”

“STOP using that word! That’s a horrible word. And you call Alex trashy.”

Cindy was shaking. The frustration had given way to maniacal rage long ago and all that was left was an evil version of her mother that Tobin wouldn’t have recognized in any situation. The sight of her mother in this state was disturbing and even scary. Physically, Tobin knew her mother couldn’t really hurt her unless….she picked up bam bam and hit her with it but health wise…well Tobin didn’t want her mother to land herself in the hospital because of a break down or god forbid a heart attack. Tobin thought her mother was too young for that but then again, there really was no such thing as too young right?

“You…you have to choose Tobin. If you are determined to keep going on with this you have to choose between her or your family.”

The tone in Cindy’s voice was steady and even and saturated so heavily with anger that it was down right creepy. Tobin almost expected to start seeing red steam shooting out of her ears.

But this was new. This got Tobin’s attention. Cindy hadn’t used all her cards after all.

“Don’t. Don’t do that. You can’t. You can’t speak for the entire family. You don’t even know how they feel about it so you can’t make me choose.”

“Guess again Tobin. You think your Dad is gonna accept you? Your father will never accept that his daughter would rather do…repulsive things with a girl than marry a man and have children. He would be devastated. And your sisters will disown you right along with us. That’s right. Disown. I will disown you Tobin. I will kick you out on the street and you will have nowhere to go. Every family member you go to will shut the door in your face.”

“Mom, leave me alone. That’s enough for tonight. I’ve heard enough.” Tobin said and sat on her bed mentally, physically and emotionally drained.

“I swear Tobin. If I find out that you are still carrying on with this, I will tell everyone and then you will have to choose then anyway because you think this is ok and everyone will accept it but you are so wrong. The devil and this girl have brain washed you. This is the end Tobin.” Cindy finally walked away and Tobin was left on her bed crying tears into a pillow that had just dried from the tears she had left there the night before.

*****************************************************

Another month passed and things only got worse. Alex kept attending games but Cindy would sit right behind the bench and talk to all of Tobin’s friends and coaches to prevent Alex from having any contact.

Tobin couldn’t talk on the phone to anyone. Not even Lauren, Ella, Ashlyn or Pinoe. Not one soul had contact with Tobin out of school. Tobin’s life consisted of school, practice, games and straight home after.

The few times she managed to make it out to use the pay phone, Alex wasn’t even home. Two out of five times to be exact. Only twice was she able to talk to her and then Alex was always sad and distant.

One day when Tobin was at the store with her mother, she saw Alex shopping with her sister and Emily. They made eye contact and smiled at each other and then Tobin remembered that her mom was standing right next to her looking at something on the shelf. Tobin turned away quickly and tried to find Alex later when she got away from her mom but Alex was gone.

Every time Tobin thought of her mother’s ultimatum it was always a conflict. Something she just could not figure out. Some days she thought it was stupid to think that her entire family would disown her. That they would all share the same feeling about homosexuality. Then some days she doubted herself. Her extended family was big and they had all grown up with the same views and morals. Her father loved her and would always love her but that’s the same thing she used to think about her mother. And that didn’t inspired much confidence.

She felt Alex slipping away. She felt helpless and frustrated and useless.

Surprisingly, she began to find comfort in the talks she started to have with Marta in Spanish class. Talks about this issue. It surprised Tobin that Marta knew exactly how she was feeling. She always felt a little more hopeful when she got done discussing things with Marta since she was living proof that she could actually make it through this rough patch. Marta’s mother had done and said all the things Cindy had already accomplished and in some cases, Marta’s mother had done worse things.

One day when Tobin mentioned these talks with Alex, the response she got was very amusing.

“Yea she’s pretty cool after all I guess. She gives me some great advice. All I do is talk about you. I bet she’s tried of hearing about you.”

“Baby…please just be careful with her.”

“Huh? What do you mean Lex?”

“I’ve heard about her. She loves to steal other people’s girlfriends. Its kind of like a game to her.”

Tobin burst out laughing. A genuine guttural laugh that even brought a tear to her eye.

“Oh my god baby…you’re serious!” Tobin said trying to stop laughing and not succeeding.

“Yes baby. I’m dead serious. She’s done it before. And I…I love you. I can’t lose you.”

Tobin sobered quickly at the tone of her girlfriend’s voice.

“Baby, a Victoria’s Secret model could fall into my lap right now and I wouldn’t care. You are my one true love and NO ONE can change the way I feel for you. NO ONE.” Tobin’s voice was serious, heavy and steady. Alex didn’t have to look into Tobin’s eyes to know she meant every word. She heard it in her voice.

“Do you believe me?”

“Yes baby.”

“Good, well I have to…”

“No baby please don’t hang up. I miss you so much and I can’t even talk to you!”

“I’m sorry baby I’m doing my best. I try to be out here as much as I can. I actually have called pretty often but I can never catch you at home.”

“Well you can’t really expect me to wait by the phone all day just in case you call right?”

Tobin sighed sadly.

“No baby. I don’t expect that. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I can’t call you whenever I want. I’m…”

“No, Tobin. Stop apologizing. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I..I’m just so fucking frustrated. I love you so much I just want to be close to you. I want you. I want you close to me…like around me, on me, in me. I want you in all ways, in any form. All of you. Baby, do you want me like that?”

“Of course I do my love. More than you know. Are you still with me? Are you still in this with me?”

“Of course I am. Its just….not easy.”

********************************************************

Perry came home from work one day and told Tobin she had some more movie tickets that she could “Use with your girlfriend.” Tobin was initially excited and then it was overshadowed by doubt.

She would go to the movies with Alex and tell her that she had come to a decision. A decision that had kept her up nights and prevented her from having any type of appetite for weeks now.

She knew what she had to do.

Tonight was the night when everything would change.

 


	14. It's Not So Bad....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sometimes the things presented to us as choices aren’t choices at all.” –Stephen King
> 
> “I know life is hard, I think everyone knows that in their hearts, but why does it have to be cruel, as well? Why does it have to bite?” –Stephen King

(Tobin’s brain notes:

OPTION 1: Let her go. Let her be happy with someone else. You can’t be free to give her what she wants and needs. You can’t be free to be a good girlfriend. Let her go and when you are 18 no one will be able to stop you from what you want. Just two years. Wait two years.

OPTION 2: Fight. Defy your mom and leave home to live with Alex. But Alex has to invite you. Don’t force it on her by coming up with the idea. You don’t want to be inviting yourself to take this huge step. They took Emily in, why not you too? Of course Alex’s mother will also have to approve but one step at a time. Tell her you’re willing to leave to be with her but you have nowhere to go. Throw the line out. If she doesn’t have a solution then you know what you have to do.

You can’t be selfish anymore Tobin. No matter how much it’s going to kill you. If she doesn’t offer her home and heart to you then you have to let her go. You are meant to be together and she will come back to you. Just let her go. You have nowhere to go and you have no other options. It’s all or nothing. And if she doesn’t you can’t hold it against her. It’s not her fault or her problem that you live in a prison.

It’s all on you baby. You hold my heart and it’s your choice. You can take it or you can give it back in pieces.)

****************************************************

Movie theater, top row. Some war movie that was chosen specifically because it was three hours long.

“I-I miss you all the time and sometimes it hurts so bad I can barely stand it. I just…want to be with you. I mean I know there’s not much else we can do about it but it still hurts.”

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want to make you happy. I want you to be happy no matter what. Everyday that goes by that I haven’t seen or talked to you is just another day that makes me feel emptier and emptier. I have no control over what happens to me anymore. I have no control over my life. So…I have to leave. Just leave my house in the middle of the night. I have nowhere to go but I’ll figure it out. I just want to be with you.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Please meet me halfway baby. I can’t do this alone.)

“Baby…you would do that?” Alex’s voice lifted a little in anticipation. Her eyebrows shooting up and eyes widening in shock.

“I would do anything for you. Anything.”

“But you have nowhere to go.”

“I know I don’t. But what does it matter right? As long as I’m free to be with you.”

“You’re only 16. Your mom will send the cops looking for you and anyone that takes you in will be charged with…”

“Harboring a run away. I know. I know all this. I’m not going into this blindly. I’m serious about this. I’m serious about you.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s not gonna offer. Especially not after realizing the consequences. Jesus Christ, who would? This is it. This is where it ends.)

“Hey, I have something for you. I-I’ve had if for a while but since I never see you…its…it was for your birthday.” Alex’s voice is trembling now. The tears are threatening to fall and Tobin can’t figure out if she’s crying because of the heaviness of the fact that she can’t even give Tobin a birthday gift on her birthday or because she has the same feeling of impending doom.

Tobin’s educated guess is that it’s a little of both.

Alex reaches into her coat pocket and brings out a small box. She hands it over to Tobin with trembling hands. Tobin puts a steady warm hand over the box gripping Alex’s hand with it. With her other arm she pulls Alex into a crushing hug.

“Don’t cry baby. Please don’t cry. This…we were always meant to be together. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on you. She can keep us apart but she can never change the way I feel for you.”

“But Toby…I don’t want this to end. I don’t want to let you go.”

“The last thing I want to do is let you go, but baby…its time to be honest with ourselves.” Tobin pulled away and looked Alex in the eye. Her expression full of strain and pain from the effort she’s putting into not crying. Not breaking down in front of Alex. Tobin needs to be strong.

“Alex…look me in the eye and tell me that you are really happy. That you are happy in a relationship with me. If you can look at me and tell me that you are truly happy then I’ll walk through fire. I won’t let go but I won’t stand around and expect you to stay with me and be unhappy. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to be selfish anymore. I don’t want this to destroy what we have. I don’t want the distance and strain of separation to destroy us and make us bitter. I just keep disappointing you and I can’t fix it. More than anything, I just want your happiness… even….” Tobin’s voice is unreliable. She knows what she has to say.

“JUST….just open it Toby, please.”

Tobin looked into the cloudy blue eyes that managed to pierce into her even in the dark. Blue eyes so beautiful and tainted by the presence of tears. Tobin feels like she’s drowning in the sorrow that is flooding Alex’s irises. Tobin’s breath catches in her throat. Tears start to streak her face warm and thick. The flashing lights of the film on the screen in front of them casting flickering shadows on this unfortunate scene. The screen projected a war story loud, gory and morbid. And in reality, another story was unfolding. A story of love lost.

Alex bit her trembling lip and reached over gently wiping away those first few tears.

“Open it.” She whispers. Tobin can’t hear her but she can read her lips.

Tobin leaned forward slowly placing a sweet kiss on Alex’s trembling lips. They remain that way. Trembling lips meeting trembling lips. They stay lip locked. Both committing the feeling of their lips to memory. Suspended in time and frozen in the fear of what tomorrow will bring. What the end of this meeting will bring. Both wishing there was some other way out. Both feeling their worlds collapsing around them in a mess of broken hearts and promises. SHoulda, coulda, woulda…what’s the point now?

Tobin pulls away leaving her eyes closed finally taking the box from Alex’s small hand. She lifts the lid carefully as if any sudden movement would cause the box to explode in her hands.

Inside she finds a small silver soccer ball on a silver chain. Simple and beautiful. Tobin can’t control her emotion any longer and she chokes on her first light sob. She continues this way with each light sob catching low in her throat. Her body is shaking even when Alex embraces her and muffles her sobs in her neck.

“I will always love you. You will always have my heart. I can’t give it to anyone else.” Alex whispers choking back her own light sobs. She feathers light kisses on any surface close enough to her mouth. Tobin’s neck and ear and cheek.

“I just want you to be happy even…if it’s not with me.” Tobin was able to choke out through the pain that was gripping her vocal chords.

The enormity and intensity of your first true love. The feeling that there is no tomorrow. The sun rises and sets with the person who holds your heart. The feeling that together, anything can be conquered. That you never knew true happiness until she touched your hand.

And to have it all ripped away from you as if it was nothing but a small fraction of an amazing dream you had one night. A surreal dream that you frantically try to remember during the first few seconds of wakefulness. You claw at the walls of your memory bank hysterically trying to grasp that impossible feeling of happiness. Thinking that maybe if you could just hold on to a small thread of that happy feeling then it would be enough to carry you forever. It would be just enough to get through the long days to come. That tiny light of hope to get you through the endless hours that await you after….after the disaster occurs. The aftermath like a wasted city in ruins after a storm. Your heart will never truly recover.

************************************************

Tobin lay in her bed that night glassy eyed and numb. The tears slowing steadily like a small ravine gathering in tiny puddles on her pillow. The sobs came in increments whenever a memory decided to float aimlessly across her brain like a feather caught on a tiny wind current. No control over its appearance or its trajectory. Appearing and disappearing suddenly and bittersweet like Tobin’s first taste of love.

The last words Alex told her echoed in her head over and over again bouncing off the walls of her skull. “We were meant to be together. You belong to me. We will be together again one day. One day I’ll be all yours and nothing will stop us.”

The chain necklace encircling her slender tan neck burning ringlets in her skin and the tiny soccer ball laying over her heart under her shirt slightly trembling with every slow dull heartbeat. The small soccer ball that would always be a reminder of how they began. How innocent and simple things were. The game, the lingering touches, the thrill of a new chapter with the game she fell in love with and the girl that held her heart.

The first week at school was torture. Tobin shuffled numbly through the halls on autopilot like a ghost who hasn’t realized its soul has departed its body. Her disheveled appearance and lack of appetite were obvious indicators but to those who knew and loved her, Tobin was an empty shell. No light in her eyes. Not a care in the world.

“Tobin…babe…Mrs. Luera called on you just a while ago…did you hear her?” Lauren whispered over at Tobin with concern and sadness filling her features.

Christen turned around with an expression that matched Lauren’s.

“H-huh?”

“We are here for you Tobin. You will get through this. You two were meant to be together. You have to have faith. I’ve never seen anyone fit as well as you two. It just makes sense.” Christen had taken Tobin’s hand and was lightly stroking the back of it as she spoke.

“I-I was so stupid. How could I be so stupid? I let her win. I need to get her back. I was crazy for even coming up with the idea. I don’t care what I have to do I just want her back and I’m gonna tell her. I have to tell her.”

“Tobin…please listen to me babe. Its best to let this thing ride out. When you’re 18 your mom can’t do anything to stop you and then you can sweep Alex off her feet again. You won’t have any obstacles to overcome. Trust me. Its better this way.”

“No, Lauren….I’m gonna fight for her. She’s worth it. My mom is gonna have to deal with it and the sooner she starts getting used to the idea the better. I’ve already waited 3 years. I want to live for now. She’s right there and I’m gonna grab her. I can’t let her go. She’s everything to me.”

Lauren exchanged a concerned look with Christen. They both knew they wouldn’t be changing Tobin’s mind. They’d known her long enough to know that when she set her mind to something that nothing was going to stop her. What an amazing virtue to have but how self-destructive it can be in some circumstances. Wreck less, dangerous, emotional and determined. What a lethal combination.

With this knew revelation, Tobin fell into a semi productive state. She participated in classes and sports at a bare minimum but at least it was a vast improvement from the zombie-like trance she had been in for the entire week. No mention of Alex was made around Tobin.

“Hey…Ash. Can you do me a favor?” The lunch hour had ended and the group of girls were walking out of the cafeteria getting ready to scatter to the winds. Ashlyn and Ali lingered behind to hear Tobin’s request.

“Do you need some privacy babe?” Ali asked Tobin placing a warm hand on Tobin’s cheek.

The dark circles under Tobin’s eyes and the visible weight she had dropped was causing Ali to become almost frantically concerned. It had only been a week and they all knew it was unhealthy. Lauren, Christen and Kelley shared Ali’s level of concern. The rest of the group believed in Tobin’s strong resolve. Strong heart. They knew their friend would pull through. The last thing they wanted was to make it worse by hanging all over Tobin.

“Oh shit, I thought you were talking to me baby!” Ashlyn said feigning jealousy.

Ali gave Ashlyn a pointed look and slapped her forearm savagely.

“OW! Ok! See, I still think you prefer them skinny and tanned.” This got a laugh out of Tobin, which seemed to pacify Ali. Ashlyn noticed this and drew an inward sigh of relief.

“No its ok Ali. You can stay. I just wanted to ask Ash if she could call Alex for me tonight and tell her to meet me in our locker room after school on Friday? You know, before our game?” Tobin said turning her questioning gaze on Ashlyn.

“Uhhh, yea sure dude. But you sure you want her in the locker room? You know coach is probably gonna have us in the weight room.”

“Its doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t find me in the locker room then she can look for me in the weight room. It’s just down the hall anyway.”

“Is this it? Are you going to get her back?” Ali asked earnestly with an edge of excitement tinting her voice.

(Ashlyn’s brain notes: Oh no she’s gonna squeal.)

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ali’s gonna squeal.)

Tobin squinted her eyes and ducked her head preparing for the onslaught of rough hugs and squeals that would soon come out of her friend.

“Uh, y yea…well I’m gonna try to…”

“YES! YES! NO DON’T TRY! YOU WILL!” Ali screamed. A huge smile over took her face and in that moment, all squealing and roughhousing aside, the ‘Ali Appreciation’ segment of the day had commenced. Tobin could see it in Ashlyn’s face but she couldn’t deny that she was very taken with Ali as well. Ali had always been a bright light that lured people to her like moths to a porch light.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Yea, she’s beautiful. Its time for me to have my light back too. And this time I won’t ever let her go.)

******************************************************

The next day after Ashlyn confirmed that the arrangements had been made, Tobin began to plan. There was so much to think about. What would she say to Alex? How would she say it? How much convincing would it actually take? Did Alex even want the relationship anymore? Was Alex still willing to fight with her?

Tobin had taken the tiny soccer ball out from under her shirt and was mindlessly rolling it back and forth between her thumb and index finger when she heard someone speak up.

“Dude, you look wired or distracted. As a matter of fact, you’ve been like this for a couple of weeks now. What’s up with you? You’re supposed to be finishing your pop quiz.”

Tobin didn’t make eye contact with Marta. She continued her activities with her necklace and spoke in a detached voice.

“I could finish the pop quiz in my sleep. What’s wrong? You waiting so you can copy my answers?”

“Yea…I kinda was and you’re screwing me over a little here.” Marta said laughing lightly and shaking her head.

This time Tobin did look at her.

“Ask Carli if you can copy her paper. She would be happy to I’m sure.” Tobin smile was wry and the laughter that shook her body was hearty and healing.

“Very funny you ass. Yea I’m sure she would let me copy her answers, after she collects my head.”

This set both of them off. The teacher had left the classroom suddenly when the principle had peaked his head in the door 15 minutes ago and they weren’t expecting her back anytime soon.

“You know I always try to put in a good word for you but she doesn’t listen to my reasoning! Sorry buddy, Carli just hates your little ass.”

“Well that’s ok. I’ll just stay out of her way until soccer and then I won’t be able to avoid her.”

“Well good thing she’s on our team or you’d be dead.”

Marta and Tobin both turned to look at Carli sitting behind them. The quiz was well under way but Carli’s energy was being used to throw a death glare at Marta.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Dam how long has she been glaring at her like that!)

The two teenagers watched as Carli’s left hand slowly moved into the universal sign of ‘fuck you’ with a finger that Carli always favored. Carli continued glaring right at Marta as she kept her finger stoically positioned in the air.

Tobin burst out laughing.

“Fuck…yea she hates me.”

Tobin shook her head in Carli’s direction before Hope reached over stifling Carli’s finger with her hand.

“Hey…that necklace is pretty. Did…’she’….give it to you?” Marta asked directing Tobin’s attention to other matters.

“Uh…yea.” Tobin said looking at it again with a small sad smile.

“I’m…supposed to meet up with her tomorrow. When I get her back I’m not ever letting her go again.”

“I told your dumb ass not to let her go to begin with!”

“This is not a life time TV movie asshole. Why would I put her through more pain and be selfish when she could be with someone else? My life isn’t a fairy tale. I don’t have a magical fairy godmother or a mother that will learn to accept it with me living under her roof. Being with Alex means giving up everything. I didn’t understand that at first so I tried to make it work around the bars of my prison but now I understand. I give up everything, and I can have Alex. And Alex bars of my prison but now I understand. I give up everything, and I can have Alex. And Alex can have me too. All the time.”

“Whatever Casanova. I wish you luck. You’re gonna need it. You have a shitty road ahead of you if you want to face your mom with this proposition. But I hope it works.”

“Thanks…I knew Alex was wrong about you.” Tobin blurted out before she could think about what she was saying.

“Huh?” Marta turned around suddenly seeming a little more interested than she had been before

“N-Nothing I was just fucking around.” Tobin laughed trying to conceal her nervousness, which only resulted in a nervous laughter.

Marta quirked an eyebrow curiously but let it go.

*******************************************************

Tobin paced the locker room after school the next day. The rest of the team had already dispersed to different areas. They all had an hour before they had to report to the locker room for pre game warm ups.

Tobin paced…waiting for Alex.

Before the team split up, Tobin’s friends had all wished her luck and given her their own forms of pep talks.

Ali: A kiss on the cheek and encouraging words.

Pinoe: A few hard pats on the back with her hand cupped to make loud popping noises. (This was Pinoe’s new fascination. She would clap her hand on her victim’s back painfully until she got the desired popping noise.) And a “You got this dude.”

Christen: A long lingering hug with the swaying that had become customary between them now. More reassuring words.

HAO: Cupping both sides of Tobin’s face and telling her to bring home the prize. Actually to be exact, “Tobin you have to bring it all home. Get that skinny baby horse back in the stable. I’m counting on you dude. This is serious business.”

Cap: “She loves you and you love her. It’s simple and uncomplicated. Everything else is collateral damage.”

Ashlyn: “Hey dude, I’ll be in the weight room if you need me. You’ll be fine.”

Ashlyn’s words echoed in her head at this moment. Tobin knew she couldn’t just pace in the locker room alone. She grabbed her things and walked down the hall to the weight room where she would burn off the anxiety that plagued her.

“Skins huh? What would Ali say about all these girls that are lingering at the door just to get a look at you with your shirt off?”

“Well if you take your shirt off too then maybe you’ll scare them away and I won’t have to get in a fight with Ali.”

“Very funny asshole!” Tobin tried to project a sound of indignation but she was so giddy that it was impossible. Today was the day she would get Alex back.

Tobin did take off her shirt and Ashlyn stood over her on the bench as she got her first few reps in.

“So…she already came by?” Ashlyn said between Tobin’s 3rd and 4th rep.

“Nope…just….need to burn off….steam while I wait.” Tobin gritted out during her last 4 reps.

“Oh, I see. So….a rose huh? Is that for her?”

“No dude, its for you. I just have to give it to you for best topless performance.”

“Hey, what can I say, the ladies can’t resist me.”

“Yea you better get all that machismo shit out now that we’re bro ing it up in the weight room because once Ali shows up you have to put it away again.”

“This coming from a girl that brings a rose to school and puts it in water all day so it won’t wilt. For a girl that has her whipped. That is what you did right? Where did you get the rose?”

“I bought it dude! And yes I did have it in that coke bottle in water all day. What’s the big deal?”

Ashlyn laughed, her dimple making its ever-alluring appearance causing the girls in the doorway to swoon.

“Be careful dude. You keep doing that and you might have to give one of them mouth to mouth to revive them. You’re little fan club is hilarious.”

“Shit, you think talking shit will get me fired?! Mouth to mouth will get me killed! That’s reserved only for Ali. I’m cool with that. She is the hottest girl in school. And…well…I love her dude. You know I always have.”

“Yea, I know you do stud. Well I have to agree Ali is the hottest since Alex doesn’t go to this school. They had to split up Alexandra squared to make it fair.”

Ashlyn laughed rolling her eyes.

“Yea, you’re done. And so fucking cheesy dude but I love you.”

Tobin laughed before she got down in a push up position.

“Come on. I challenge you to pushups. Let’s see if you can do more than me.”

“Nah dude, I don’t do pushups. They get my hands dirty. I’m more of a pumping iron type of girl. I need to work on my fore arms.”

Before Tobin could laugh or reply or even look up from the 10th pushup she had already finished she heard the voice she had waited 2 weeks to hear again.

“Dam, we aren’t even playing professional soccer yet and you two are already causing a frenzy.”

Ashlyn was sitting on a bench right next to where Tobin was doing pushups. She held a 35 lb dumbbell and was doing small curls with her wrist, concentrating solely on her forearm muscle. When she looked to the door to see who was speaking she dropped the dumbbell to the floor of the weight room almost crushing one of Tobin’s hands.

Tobin had managed to pump out 5 more pushups from the moment Alex had spoken until the weight was dropped. Her necklace kissing the floor with every rep.

“WTF! Dude, are you trying to crush my fingers?”

Ashlyn looked down on the floor where Tobin lay on her stomach. Her eyes were full of concern and confusion.

“Dude what the fuck is going on?” Ashlyn asked Tobin.

“What do you mean dude?”

Tobin pushed herself up to her feet and looked toward the door. All the girls that had been lingering in the door way were gone and there stood Alex. Tobin could only focus on her breathtaking beauty in the first few seconds so she didn’t register anything else. Alex looked Tobin up and down and bit her lip. When they made eye contact Alex gave her a sad, almost regret filled smile.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ok, what was that look for?)

Tobin walked over and grabbed her shirt. This gave her a better view of the doorway since Alex had already taken a few steps into the weight room. There in the door way stood Marta.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh that’s why Ashlyn was confused. Hmmm whatever. Marta goes to this school and she’s probably gonna go to the game. Big deal.)

Tobin put on her shirt and before she was able to make her way to the opposite corner of the weight room to grab the rose Alex grabbed her by the hand.

“Come on. Let’s go to the locker room and talk.”

“Ok..someone is eager.” Tobin said smiling sweetly. They hugged briefly and made their way out of the weight room. Tobin smiled and nodded at Marta. Marta only stared back solemnly.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ok…)

Once in the locker room Tobin grabbed Alex and held her in a crushing hug.

“Omg…I missed you so much. You smell so good baby. I wanted you to come because I don’t want to be without you. I will do anything to make it work. I don’t care what it is. I should’ve never let you go. I need you back Alex. Please be my girlfriend again.” Tobin had gone over several variations of this small speech in her head and it was meant to be more memorable but when it came down to it she just said what came to her head and got straight to the point.

Tobin pulled away and connected her forehead with Alex’s.

“I love you Alexandra.” Tobin whispered.

Tobin went in for a kiss. The kiss was not reciprocated at first. Alex’s body grew rigid and Tobin grew concerned. Just as she was about to pull away to see what was going on, Alex kissed her back eagerly. Alex brought her arms up from around Tobin’s waist cupping her face with both hands and plunging both her hands in the lose hair of Tobin’s pony tail. Tobin reached up and let her hair down. They continued kissing for almost a minute. The kissing soon turned heated as usual and then Alex stopped abruptly.

“Oh-Oh my God…I can’t. I’m sorry, I…can’t.”

“Wh-what? What do you mean you can’t?”

“I can’t do this Tobin. Its not fair to her.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Alex.” Tobin closed her eyes and began to realize what was beginning to unfold.

“I’m talking to Marta now Tobin. It’s not fair to her that I’m in here kissing you.”

Tobin’s knees felt weak and she had to sit on a bench near by. All air had left her lungs and she was trying to breathe normally but oxygen would not come./p>

“W…wait…you mean to tell me that the girl you warned ME about, the girl that you so seriously warned me about is now the girl you’re FUCKING?”

“Tobin…that’s not fair. I’m not fucking her.”

“Wow…two weeks is all it took huh? Two weeks is all it meant to you.” Tobin looked at the ground not able to meet that pitiful gaze that Alex was throwing at her.

“No…how could I be so stupid. You already had your eye on her. You are sick and twisted. Was this just a game to you Alex? You warn me about her stealing people’s girlfriends because she had already done that with mine…you …I can’t believe you.”

“Please…please listen to me Tobin.” Alex voice had taken on the usual pleading and quivering affect that it usually had when she was about to cry. Tobin’s anger started to over power her pain and shock.

“Well SPEAK THEN ALEX!”

“I-I’m not with her and I’m not fucking her.”

“Yet.” Tobin said with a scoff.

“You know if that’s what this was about you should’ve let me in a on it before we got into this. I should've known if I didn't put out I'd lose my chance. Why would this be any different than the numberless dudes walking the halls looking for anything with a heartbeat to hump. How could I be so stupid..... You are such a fucking hypocrite!”

“Tobin…”

“Watch out for her baby. She likes to steal other people’s girls. Its like a game to her.” Tobin mimicked Alex in a comical high-pitched voice.

“Please…Toby.”

“DON’T fucking call me that. No one calls me that. I fucking hate to be called that and you don’t deserve that right anymore.”

“Just…I just want you to know that I didn’t cheat on you. We are just talking. We aren’t together. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m so sorry things turned out this way but I meant everything I ever told you and everything I felt was real. Please believe me. I just…can’t be with someone that can’t be with me. I need you and you can’t give me that but I still believe in us. I believe that one day we can be happy together.”

Tobin laughed viscously. “You have a lot of nerve Alex.” Tobin grabbed Alex’s hand suddenly and roughly shoved the necklace in it. “Please go lie to someone else because I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of letting you hurt me Alex. Go, be happy with her. You could’ve had anyone and you chose the nastiest, douche bag there is. I’m not sure who’s slept with more girls. Her or Val. If she makes you happy then go. Just go Alex.”

Alex stood there biting her lip and crying.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She has no fucking right to be crying right now.)

Tobin’s tears fell steadily but she slipped into a daze and sat back down on the bench. The feeling of shame, embarrassment and heartbreak hit her like a freight train. She thought of the single solitary rose sitting in the corner of the weight room. A rose that was meant for the girl that just crushed her heart and she laughed at herself.

(Tobin’s brain notes: You really are pathetic Heath. You brought her a rose and she brought you her new girlfriend. Whoopdie fucking do you fucking dumb ass.)

“Th-this was a gift Tobin and I want you to have it. I want you to keep it and always remember me.”

Tobin laughed out loud at this.

“I don’t need a reminder Alexandra! The feeling I’m getting right here…” Tobin pointed at her chest, “Is enough to remind me for years to come. Trust me. I can’t even look at that thing without hurting. Just take it. Just go Alex. Please. You’re just making it worse.”

“T-Tobin…I meant what I said before. I will always love you. I can’t give my heart to anyone. You will always have it.”

“I used to think that this was real Alex but you really proved me wrong today. I don’t know how to go on from here without looking at every other girl and comparing them to you. They don’t deserve that. They deserve better…and so did I. I deserved better than being screwed over by a friend and the girl I love.”

“I’m so so sorry Tobin. I love you so…”

“STOP! Please. I told you to go. Please just leave me alone. You’ve done enough. I hope she was worth it Alex. I really hope she makes you happy because that’s all I ever wanted.”

“I’m sorry.” Alex whispered through blinding tears and walked out of the locker room and Tobin’s life for good.

No living to fight for her love another day, just stumbling blindly through a tunnel with zero visibility 


	15. A Day in AP English

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And if you have to leave
> 
> I wish that you would just leave.
> 
> ...you still have all of me."
> 
> My Immortal

_“I’m talking to Marta now Tobin. It’s not fair to her that I’m in here kissing you.”_

_“I’m with Marta….”_

_“Marta”_

_“Not fair to Marta.”_

_“It’s not fair to her that I’m in here kissing you.”_

_“Not fair.”_

_“I can’t be with someone that can’t be with me.”_

_“…Marta…”_

_“I can’t do this…”_

“Tobin! Tobin babe….you need to wake up. Mrs. Luera is losing her patience with you. I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Huh?” Tobin slowly lifted a head that felt like a heavy sack full of ball bearings swiveling on a well oiled joint. Her face that had been hidden on her desk top with her arms was streaked with tears and wet spots on the desk were revealed when she moved her arms to rest them in her lap.

“Oh my God…Tobs…h-here….take these tissues. Babe…oh my god…were you dreaming?” Christen said frantically as she passed Tobin some tissues from her purse. Christens face was full of sorrow and her voice came out in a whispered quiver.

(Christens’ brain notes: She looks terrible. God she doesn’t deserve this.)

“Y-yea I guess I was. Sorry.” Tobin replied in a scratchy distant voice.

There was no emotion and no life left in Tobin’s eyes after so many hours spent crying. The normal warm honey color that usually inhabited the orbs in her pupils had dulled to flat sluggish brown. Her eyes resembled those of a prize fighter after the 5th round with a real slugger. Her eyes had begun to tear up at the slightest movement not from the waves of pain assaulting her body but because they had become so painfully sensitive and red that tearing up was the only way her body knew how to react to this sudden overflow of emotion. But the tears that have pooled on her desk top like small puddles on slick pavement are not from irritated eyes. They have formed as a reminder that no matter how long Tobin sleeps or doesn’t sleep, nothing will change the heart breaking events that have landed her in this state of darkness.

“Tob-Tobin…sweetie, you really need to snap out of it.” Lauren whispered from Tobin’s left. “You need to find a way to be at least a little productive. We have an essay on Wuthering Heights coming up and it’s a huge part of your grade. I don’t want you to fail.”

Tobin was hearing Lauren but the sound of her voice and everyone around her had begun to resemble a mumbling fuddled mess. Background noise. The sound of a TV that’s been left on in a bedroom when the inhabitants have long since fallen asleep. Garbled, droning voices and soft flickering lights in a pitch black room. All white noise…static.

“I’m…trying. I’ve tried. I just can’t function when I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept in almost 3 days.”

“Tobin I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve to be happy. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be with Alex, but you can have anyone you want.”

“She’s right Tobin. You can.” Lauren said nodding her head enthusiastically as if that would make the statement more believable.

“You are beautiful and any girl would be lucky to have you. So lucky. And…I meant what I said in the locker room that day….if I wasn’t straight…I’d be proud to be your girlfriend. I would love to be your girlfriend.”

Christens' soft voice had dropped a few volumes as she tried to make the conversation more intimate but Lauren heard every word. Lauren kept silent not wanting to embarrass Christen or possibly ruin any positive affect the blue eyed forward might be having on her best friend.

Tobin kept her eyes on her desk top. She slowly poked out her left index finger and started to spread the small puddles of tears she had made. Then she heard her own voice. She spoke low because they were supposed to be reading but her voice was droning and monotone. “Christen, I can’t tell you how flattering that is but…I just…don’t want to talk about it ok?”

“Tobin…you need to do something because…”

“You think I don’t know that Lauren?!” Tobin whisper screamed half way snapping out of her insomnia and grief induced haze. “You think I don’t know how stupid and pathetic I look? I know. If I could I would just STOP FUCKING CARING. I want to stop caring but what no one seems to understand is that this was not just a bad case of puppy love.”

“I know Tobin…I know. I was there when you met remember? You weren’t the only one that fell. She knew it from day one too babe. I don’t know why she’s being such an idiot but trust me, it has nothing to do with you.”

“It has everything to do with me! I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough as a girlfriend. I couldn’t do something as simple as call her on the phone or take her on a fucking date. An official date where we weren’t hiding in a fucking theater.”

“Tobin…please don’t do this to yourself. None of this is your fault. You have no control over what happened. Things happened like this for a reason. She’s stupid and lonely and she’s only with her because she can give her all the attention she wants whenever she wants it. She doesn’t love her. She doesn’t have that connection she had with you. She’s with Marta for convenience.” Christens' voice was pleading and soothing.

Tobin looked into the pleading blue pools that were Christens' eyes. Every word that her friend had just told her was reasonable. Tobin wasn’t surprised for a second that Christen had more to contribute to this commentary than the usual “I’m sorrys” and “She’s an idiot” condolences she had received from her friends since that day in the locker room.

“I wanted to be with her forever. I saw a future with her and I know I’m young and I might not know what I’m talking about when it comes to big future plans but that never mattered to me. I knew enough. And I knew that what I felt for her was real and strong and everyone tries to play it off like I should just get over it and find someone else but the truth is that I just can’t do that. It took 3 years for me to have her for two months. This is not some little crush I developed in those two months. This is someone I’ve dreamed about since I was 13 years old.”

“I’ve been completely, intensely, shamelessly in love with one girl for three years. Never wanted or needed anyone else. So this is not just a little heartbreak in the school yard. This is me…losing the girl that is possibly the love of my life….no she is. No doubt about it. And I lost her to Marta….that makes me feel extra amazing.”

“Psssst…hey. Tobin!” Tobin heard a voice whisper scream at her from the hall way. Just another person wandering the halls skipping class. Tobin turned to find one of her child hood friends she had known since kindergarten.

Tobin looked to the front of the class where the teacher seemed to be absorbed in grading their recent quiz. A quiz that Tobin knew she’d be failing. Teachers at Kennedy high were not the type to just pass the athletes in their classes no matter how good they were on the field. This was not Texas and Tobin played futbol…not football.

Tobin turned her attention back to the open classroom door and lifted her head in her friend Erica’s direction in a “what’s up” gesture.

“I found this is the computer lab. I printed one out but there is a shit load of really fucked up shit that is being said in here about you. I saw Ashlyn’s name in here too so you might want to let her know.” Erica said pointing to the disk in her hand. “Pop it into a computer and check out the rest when you get a chance.”

Erica tossed a small gray floppy disk toward Tobin’s desk. The angle of the disk turned just askew causing the small plastic square to flip sideways cutting through the air like a Frisbee. Tobin heard Erica whisper curse words under her breath but Tobin caught the disk with ease. Next was a piece of white all purpose paper folded up small enough to fit in palm of Tobin’s hand. Erica placed the piece of paper on the floor and put her foot over it.

Tobin squinted her eyes. “What the fuck are you doing Erica? Just toss it.”

“No. I don’t want this to accidently fall into someone else’s hands. You are the only one that should be reading this.” With that, Erica used her foot to slide the paper across the small space separating her and Tobin. It skidded across the while linoleum of the classroom floor landing right at Tobin’s' feet.

Tobin looked up at her friend mouthing her thanks and Erica nodded before she disappeared down the hall.

Tobin’s first inclination was that the letter was ridiculing her for her sexuality which wouldn’t be that much of a surprise. She hadn’t really been discriminated against since the locker incident but she knew that people talked. She had learned to deal with the possibility. Trying to stop people from talking is like trying to stop the wind from blowing. So Tobin decided not to worry about it. She prepared herself for this type of letter.

“Hey…what’s that?” Lauren asked waving her hand at Tobin to get her attention.

Tobin had decided to read the paper first and then explain to Lauren after. Tobin put a hand up to inform Lauren to give her a minute.

The entire conversation that Christen, Lauren, Tobin and Erica had had during the course of the last 20 minutes or so had all been delivered in several variations of whispering and speaking very quietly. The volume went up and down but their words never really gave way to what would even be considered indoor voices. The conversation however, had not gone unnoticed by a veteran teacher of 15+ years.

“Unless you girls want to explain to your parents why 3 honor students shared time in detention after school, I suggest you quiet down back there and do your reading assignment.” Mrs. Luera said just loud enough for the three teenagers to hear her. She never looked up from grading her papers.

Tobin rubbed her temples with her fingertips trying to rub out the pain that seemed to be clattering around in her head like whisking lumps out of a batch of batter. Tobin only wished it were that easy.

“Fuck…” Tobin whispered.

“And Ms Heath, I’d be adopting a better vocabulary for your essay grade because after this quiz, you will need a near perfect grade just to pass this semester.”

“Yes ma’am.” Tobin almost groaned.

It had been 3 days since the last bomb was dropped in Tobin’s lap. The weekend had come and gone and Tobin had timidly shuffled her way through the first Monday back at school after the disaster.

She along with Carli and Hope had changed seats in Spanish in order to avoid being anywhere near Marta. Tobin found that just the sight of Marta physically sickened her. Tobin had also had to help Hope convince Carli not to rip Marta’s head off. Most of the reasoning was sports related as far as being kicked off the soccer team but it worked.

And now here Tobin sat, on a Tuesday at the end of the school day having no clue that bomb #2 was soon to be dropped.

Nothing….NOTHING could have prepared Tobin for what was typed on that single piece of paper folded down numerous times so it was almost the size of a golf ball.

_Alex,_

_Hi baby. God I miss your face. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. I meant what I said about skipping. Anytime you want to we can skip together. My mom is never home during the day and we can “hang out” at my house anytime ;)_

_I know we still have to keep this on the down low and I respect you for that. I’m doing this for you. I wouldn’t want your little love crazed psycho Tobin to walk into the school shooting the place up like the trench coat mafia when she finds out. What a fucking loser. I mean who acts like that after only two months?! I know you said it wasn’t even a real relationship and I believe you when you say that it didn’t really count but I still would feel better if you never spoke to her again._

_Anyway, enough about the psycho haha. I have so much planned for us over the summer. I know you said you have never gone camping so I’ve already planned a camping trip for us with all our friends for the 4th of July. I also thought we could just take a shit load of day trips all over the state. I want to spend all my time with you this summer. I love you baby. I’ll talk to you soon._

_ps. I can’t stop thinking about our night together_

_Love Marta_

*******************************************************

Three or four read throughs and Tobin felt like she might be dreaming. She fervently prayed that this was all a nightmare that she would soon snap out of. She would wake up with a half muffled scream in her throat and sweat drenching her pajamas. Her heart would be performing a drum cadence in her chest but at least this would all be just a vivid nightmare complete with a detailed letter from her now ex girlfriend and her ex girlfriend’s new girlfriend. Or maybe not.

(Tobins’ brain notes: If the relationship never meant anything to Alex, then she was never really my girlfriend. Why….why does someone like Marta get to be happy with someone like Alex? How do some people get everything they’ve ever wanted and others fall by the way side? What did I even do to Marta to have her talking shit about me like this? I befriended her even though none of my friends liked her. I confided in her about everything that was going on with Alex. I told her that Alex was the girl of my dreams and she turned around and just took what didn’t belong to her. But Alex is not a toy and she didn’t belong to anyone so this is just her choice and she chose her……she chose her, Tobin. You gave her a choice and she chose Marta.)

Fresh tears had begun to stream down Tobin’s face. Her eyes felt like they might just droop and fall out of her head. The swelling had gotten out of hand and the fresh tears were their own individual kind of torture.

Tobin began to feel like she might vomit all over the top of her desk and maybe even on Christens' back. But she refused to let what little food she had in her system come up so she closed her eyes and took deep breaths while she struggled to swallow the saliva that was quickly filling her mouth. She vaguely registered her friends speaking to her but she couldn’t make out what they were saying. She felt someone take the piece of paper out of her hands.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Probably Christen. Erica said I should be the only one reading it but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore. She told her it wasn’t real. She told her it didn’t count just like she told me that having sex with Emily didn’t count even though it was her first time. Mrs. Luera can I be excused to crawl into a hole and die? No big deal. I’ve just been living a one sided romance for a few years now. I would’ve rather had her marry Serv. At least he deserves her.)

Tobin’s knuckles were white as she gripped the sides of her desk. She needed to gain control of her emotions and she needed to concentrate on keeping down the hot lava that was currently burning her throat with its threat of reappearance. Tobin absolutely hated to vomit.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Nope, you went in and that’s where you’re gonna stay. This door is entrance only.)

Tobin thought of the millions of dirty and funny things Pinoe would say if she had uttered that sentence out in the open and she let out a small barking laugh. A light spray of saliva and mucus flew out of her mouth and nose. Tobin opened her eyes and looked at the damage she had done through a blurry haze of tears. The tears were choking her vision so she ran her long sleeves across her desk top to clean off what bodily fluids might have landed on it.

She looked up at a wide eyed Christen and when she opened her mouth to apologize she involuntary gagged. Tobin held her breath and forced her throat shut effectively producing a guttural stop. Eyes wide, body shaking, hair in fly aways unkempt and wild. Love is so fucking messy.

“Oh fuck she’s gonna throw up.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Lauren…Captain fucking obvious. And Pinoe is Captain Save a Ho. A team full of captains.)

Tobin had held her breath for too long and the effort it took for a laugh to escape was down right excruciating. Hand over mouth, eyes tearing from the effort, grief and pure shock of recent events.

“Come on Tobin. Let’s go now before you make a mess.”

Tobin held her hand firmly over her mouth and shook her head vigorously. Lauren knew that Tobin hated to vomit and she would do anything to keep it from coming up even if it meant that she would be miserable for twice as long. She saw the determination, anger and grief in Tobin’s eyes and she knew at once that the battle was already lost. Tobin would sit there and fight it until the urge subsided.

“Ok you little asshole but stop scaring me. Just try your hardest not to think about that idiot until you feel like you have it under control.”

Tobin nodded her head at Lauren and took several deep breaths through her nose with her eyes closed.

“You haven’t read this so maybe you might want to wait until she’s ok before you do. You won’t be able to hold your comments in once its read.”

“No Christen. Pass it over. I want to read it now.” Lauren’s voice was stern and even. She had adopted her mother tone that always suggested people perk their ears up and pay attention. She never had to repeat a request in this tone. And no matter who she used it on, it always made them feel like a child being scolded. Christen hesitated. Tobin was pleasantly surprised.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Press has balls, brains and beauty. What a perfect combination. I’m impressed.)

“I don’t know Lauren. I’m only looking out for Tobin and this letter is making me almost as sick as it made her so maybe you should give her a few more minutes.” There wasn’t a shred of fear in Christens' voice. Tobin heard plenty of confidence and a calming affect that probably saved the three of them from having detention because Lauren’s posture slumped down a little as her resolve was shot down.

“You’re right Press. For Tobin, but don’t ever tell me no again when it concerns my best friend… you got it kid?”

Tobin took this opportunity to finally remove her hand from her mouth and speak up.

“Ok, ok…its ok Press. You can let her read it. I’m good.” Tobin croaked in a voice she barely recognized as her own.

Lauren and Christen were locked in a staring contest that Tobin found very amusing. She couldn’t even imagine either of them getting physical enough to do anything but playfully slap each other like a pair of 5 year olds in a play ground. Standing face to face, putting their hands in front of them and craning their necks in the opposite direction while they flapped their hands together. Tobin laughed again at the mental image. Pigtails and all.

Tobin had crossed the line into delirium. Her life had taken a really shitty turn after hitting a detour caused by a gruesome head on collision (in the movie theater), which in turn caused a jackknife in the middle of her life (in the locker room) and this detour landed her in a creek packed full of shit.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I am so far in the closet that even my heart breaks and breakups are done in secret. Without a paddle is child’s play. I’m using my hands to tread shit water because I’m barely keeping my head above it right now. I’m an inch away from being up to my eyeballs in it. What else can I do but laugh.)

“What the fuck are you laughing at you little shit?” Lauren said finally breaking eye contact with Christen. Tobin could hear amusement but mostly curiousity and maybe confusion. I mean, who WOULD be laughing at a time like this? When someone has just inserted a knife into your heart and twisted it.

“You two…you wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Tobin said through a light fit of giggles. “Trying to be all hard.”

“You better be glad I’m saving all this anger for Alex, because I would be showing you just how much I COULD hurt a fly. A skinny little Tobin fly.” Christen responded in a serious tone that was lightly laced with amusement.

Christen looked up to the front of the classroom at their teacher who was still grading papers. Passing letters in class was the easiest way to get caught and even worse, have the letter confiscated. This was the last letter Christen wanted falling into the hands of their English teacher.

The future valedictorian slowly reached over to put the letter, which she had folded back into its original golf ball sized form, into Lauren’s out stretched hand. Approximately two inches away from reaching its destination and Mrs. Luera’s eyes shot up from behind her small black frames. Christen yanked the letter back into her lap. The three teenagers froze and held their breath as they awaited what would come out of their teacher’s mouth next.

Mrs. Luera’s eyes slowly turned from Christen to Tobin and from Tobin to Lauren. The silence that had fallen on the classroom like a shroud was so deafening that Tobin’s ears began to ring. These three students were not known for getting into any kind of trouble. Tobin had a way of opening her mouth at the wrong times but they had never been in any REAL trouble and they had NEVER been caught passing notes in class.

(Christens' brain notes: I’m so dead. My parent’s are gonna kill me for getting detention.)

(Lauren’s brain notes: Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking Alex got us into this shit.)

(Tobin’s brain notes: Just hurry the fuck up and give me fucking detention! I’m so over it already!)

“Well, you may as well pass the letter along since I interrupted your little pow wow. Next time I see it…its getting pinned up here for everyone to read. I don’t know what’s in it but I’m pretty sure you don’t want your classmates reading it.”

Christen froze trying to figure out what her next move should be. Was the teacher bluffing and just waiting for her to pass it so she could punish her or was she serious?

(Tobin’s brain notes: If I had had the letter in MY hand, we would’ve had detention for sure. God bless Press and her ability to make anyone fall in love with her. I love this little fucking crowd pleasing over achiever.)

“Well….I’m not joking Ms Press. Hurry up and pass the note. Don’t do it again. This is a freebie.”

Mrs. Luera had looked back down to the untidy heap of quizzes on her desk and resumed grading them. Christen quickly threw the paper right into Lauren’s hands.

Tobin watched Lauren as she gingerly unfolded the piece of paper in her lap to hide it from the teachers view. She used who ever was sitting in front of her as a shield. Then Tobin saw Lauren’s expression turn from curious, to confused, to enraged.

Tobin felt Christen grab her hand and thread their fingers together. Tobin looked down at their hands and couldn’t help thinking of how many times she had held Alex’s hand this way. But this time she felt nothing. The numbing sadness was beginning to drain Tobin’s body. The tears began to form again.

(Tobins’ brain notes: So what’s new?)

“Are you ok Tobin?” Christen asked furrowing her eye brows above those gorgeous blue eyes that softened at the sight of Tobin’s tear streaked face.

Tobin let out a sad choking sound in an attempt at amusement but it was more groan than laugh. She slowly shook her head. She was biting her lip so hard to prevent herself from falling into an all out sobbing session right in the middle of class. Her body began to shake. Christen gave her back to the front of the class completely to face Tobin and engulf her in a hug.

When there are no words left to say, the only thing left to do is speak with your heart. Chest against chest. Heart beat against heart beat. And she did speak to Tobin…more than she knew or ever would know. The only way Tobin knew she was alive for sure was by feeling that organ steady and warm beating strong against her own chest. Reminding her own heart to beat willingly and not just to beat to keep its recipient alive.

Things had gone horribly wrong. Parallel universe wrong. Hundreds of memories were flooding Tobin’s senses until she was drowning in Alex. Her fingertips were digging into Christens' back as she tried to fight off the flood but it was no use. It had taken over like the cold water of the pacific at twilight high tide. Alex’s voice saying her name, her smile, her touch, her scent….

_“I’ll never stop loving you.”_

_“I’ve wanted you for so long. You were the one. You always have been.”_

_“You’re so beautiful Toby.”_

_“You will always have my heart.”_

_“Kiss me baby.”_

_“I miss you.”_

_"I’ll never give up on you.”_

Alex’s voice was bouncing off the walls inside her head and filling her ears. The ghost of what once was. The feelings that Tobin thought were real. All the beautiful words that made her feel alive were nothing but pretty poetic lyrics of a song. A meaningless conversation from a babbling brook. And this conversation had spoken to Tobin and she had believed every word not with her ears or even her brain but with her heart. Hadn’t she had Alex’s love? Hadn’t they wanted each other for so long? Wasn’t it just meant to be? Apparently…it wasn’t. Tobin’s life is not a movie of epic proportions. This was not “The Notebook” or “The Vow,” this was life. Painful, real and ruthless. And life had finally caught up with her and back handed her square in the face.

Lauren silently seethed in her desk after reading the letter. A million thoughts zipping through her brain. She folded the paper only once from top to bottom just so she wouldn’t have to see the font anymore. Tobin remained in Christens arms and she decided that she wouldn’t move until Christen decided to let go. But that never happened. At least not by choice. It was time for a couple of more guests to join the party.

Pinoe and Ashlyn appeared outside the classroom door seemingly out of thin air. Pinoe making hand motions like a chicken and Ashlyn trying to pull her out of the center of the doorframe so the teacher wouldn’t catch them skipping. Christens' body shook with laughter and Tobin knew someone was behind her. They let go together and Tobin turned around to find Ashlyn pinning Pinoe’s arms to her side and carrying her out of view. Tobin couldn’t help the laugh that shook her body as well. Probably the only two souls on campus that could get her to laugh at this point. Then Tobin remembered the floppy disk that lay forgotten on her desk.

Tobin turned around and grabbed the disk. She turned back and wanted to whisper to Ashlyn but she knew that Christen had successfully kept the three of them out of detention and causing another disruption would get the FIVE of them in trouble. She reached over and quickly snatched the piece of paper out of Lauren’s hand and began to write furiously on one of the folded sides.

“Ash, read this and then go to the computer lab and open this disk. There’s more and it mentions you too. Meet me in the locker room after school and let me know what you find.”

Tobin folded the paper all the way down and quickly threw it over her shoulder without looking. She trusted her aim after years of ball handling in numerous sports. The toss was spot on. The disk came next but Tobin didn’t want to risk it hitting the wall or floor. With Christen watching her back, she performed a side toss, right arm under left, right into Ashlyn’s hands. Ashlyn snatched the disk and ducked out of sight immediately. Pinoe was curious so she had given up trying to make them laugh out loud.

Tobin saw them both disappear and then a piece of Ashlyn’s long blonde hair appeared on the edge of the door along with one of Ashlyn’s hazel eyes. She watched as the keeper nodded in understanding and then they were gone. She listened to their footsteps as they walked down the hall. One set of heavy steady footfalls and one set of erratic sprinting footfalls that echoed loudly all the way down the corridor.

Mrs. Luera took a deep breath and finally looked up from grading. She sighed and shook her head. “Skippers.” She commented to herself as she looked toward the open door where the noise of Pinoe’s sprint was slowly fading.

“Ok…I will pass out your tests and then….”

RRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGG

“UH…ok, well I’ll do that first thing tomorrow. Don’t forget to finish the last four chapters of Wuthering Heights and I suggest you start writing your essay already!”

The three soccer players walked out together bumping shoulders and discussing what had just happened. It was more of a conversation between Christen and Lauren because Tobin was engrossed in her own deep thoughts.

(Tobin’s brain notes: The letter that was printed out was bad enough! And there’s more? What else could have possibly been said? How much more of this can I take before I wring her neck? And why the fuck was she talking shit about Ashlyn? This girl is begging to get her ass kicked. Everyone is gonna be waiting in line to get a hit in and Carli will insist on being the first.)

Tobin was caught up in thought and when she snapped out of it she found herself in a three-way hug with Lauren and Christen. They rubbed her back and quietly mumbled soothing words in her ear. Tobin let herself be comforted but in her heart, the pain was slowly turning into bitterness and anger. Two emotions that were not customary for Tobin’s kindhearted manner.

The three of them made their way to the locker room. Meanwhile Ashlyn and Pinoe sat in front of a computer in the lab inserting the disk into the 3.5 slot. This simple act would set events in motion that would soon leave every single person involved dumbfounded and in state of disbelief.

Stephen King once wrote that,

“Sometimes life coughs up coincidences no writer of fiction would dare copy.”

Tobin and the people in her life were in for a very interesting plot twist. Life turns on a dime.


	16. Not Meant to Be

_This disk must be formatted before it can be opened._

_Format disk?_

_OK             Cancel_

…….ok

***********************************

“Dude…there’s nothing on this disk.” Ashlyn reported entering the locker room with Pinoe lagging behind her completely immersed in her solo game of hacky sack.

“Are you sure? Erica told me there was a lot of shit on here.” Tobin replied taking the disk from Ashley’s outstretched hand and holding it with the tips of her fingers as if the small piece of plastic was on fire.

“Dude, I promise. Pinoe was with me. I opened it and there was nothing on it.”

Pinoe fluidly manipulating her multi colored hacky sack from foot to foot and cranking her right hand up and down in rhythm.

“Dude quit fucking around with that thing and tell Tobs that you were my witness.”

“Leave her alone Ash, you know she won’t talk while she’s on a roll.” Ali rang out from the other side of the locker room as she emerged from one of the bathroom stalls.

“But baby, this is important.” Ashlyn whined.

Ali had stepped over to one of the many mirrors and sinks that were stationed just outside the bathroom stalls to wash her hands. She looked over to her left at the spectacle. Ashlyn standing next to Pinoe who was reddening with concentration and Sydney with a mischievous smirk on her face. Kelley was taking up her usual spot on Hope’s lap as the keeper sat on a bench. They were both watching intently.

Hacky sack had become an addictive game for Pinoe and her friends were always amused when she got going. She was very good at not letting the small sack hit the ground and she was always trying to beat her own personal high score.

“What happens if I…mess…with this hand….” Sydney laughed out as she grabbed Pinoe’s right hand in mid crank.

“Syd…don’t be such a dick! I almost beat my fucking record!” Pinoe exclaimed raising her hands in the air in agitation.

“Syd baby, don’t tease her. She was on a roll.”

“She’ll get over it. Come here and give me a little kiss.”

“Mmmm, baby don’t look at me like when we are in front of everyone. You know what it does to me.”

Tobin watched as Sydney pulled Kristie toward her and planted a small sweet kiss on the blondes’ lips. Kristie linked her arms around Sydney’s neck and lightly poked her index finger into one of Sydney’s dimples causing the forward to chortle with giddiness. This scene would normally cause Tobin to smile and feel warm inside. Now all it caused was a draining feeling of Lemew induced loneliness, longing and lamentation.

Tobin sighed with a sad smile.

“Hey can we fucking focus please. Quit playing Freddy fuck around and help us decide who is gonna beat the shit out of Marta first. Did everyone get a chance to read this?” Ashlyn growled taking on a serious tone that immediately killed the light feathery high that everyone seemed to be in after watching the overflowing affection of Lemew.

“Ashlyn Michelle Harris…that is something that we should not be thinking right now. We just need to be here for Tobin. That kind of shit is just gonna make everything worse. Where does it end?”

"I'm with Ash. I say we go find her fucking ugly ass right now." Carli growled walking in the lockerroom right on time to join the conversation.

“NO....Ali’s right guys…as usual. She needs her ass beat really bad but what good would it do? Besides coach Mitts would kill you guys.”

“Pppppfffftttt what do you mean you guys? She would kill you too.” Pinoe said rolling her eyes. “You think you’re special grandma?”

Lauren reading the situation very clearly, knowing her best friend so well began to shake her head. “No Tobs, I know what you are trying to say and…”

“No, I just won’t be playing soccer again so Mittsy doesn’t have to worry about me.”

The group of girls groaned loudly in protest.

“I’m gonna ignore what you just said because we need you and you are playing. Soccer is gonna start soon. You’ve already practiced with us a few times. There’s no way around it and no one, not even Alex Morgan is going to change that. She’s just a girl Tobin. Just one of many….of any that you can and will have. Let it go.” Christen held one of Tobin’s hands and rubbed Tobin’s arm with the other as she spoke. Tobin looked down and let her finish not wanting to meet the intensity of her blue eyes.

“She’s NOT just some girl! The faster all of you start to understand that, the better it will be!” Tobin growled.

The small group of girls grew silent at this outburst from their usually soft spoken friend. Pinoe had resumed her hacky sack game and the light contact of the sack against her foot was the only sound that was echoing off the walls of the locker room.

“I’m concentrating on softball now. I can’t even be around a soccer ball without feeling sick. I’ll cheer you girls on though. I’ll be there.”

“Hey dude, let me talk to you.” Pinoe suddenly said breaking the silence. The blonde ran her fingers through her hair and tossed the hacky sack from one hand to the other.

“Let’s walk the back hall. See if there are any stragglers.” She said lifting her eyebrows up and down suggestively.

Tobin rolled her eyes and shook her head laughing but she knew that Pinoe was always the one that could get her mind off things so she followed her.

They made their way out to the hallway and started walking by the lockers as Pinoe continued to throw her hacky sack high in the air and catch it. For a while they were silent. Then Pinoe caught the hacky sack and gave Tobin a little punch on the arm. “Ow? What was that for?”

“Dude, I know what you’re going through. I mean not the bitches cheating on you or leaving you but the whole mom thing.”

“What? Really? NO way.”

“Yea dude. My mom might even be worse than yours. Why do you think I’m always hanging out with dudes? Sure they’re my friends but more just for show. Shit, I would never get to do anything if I didn’t have these dudes with me all the time. My mom doesn’t just let me go out with chicks. Ask Ash. She doesn’t even want me around her and we aren’t even together!” Pinoe laughs shaking her head at the thought of her and Ashlyn in a relationship. Tobin giggled a little herself at the image.

“The other day I was so bored and locked in my room punished from my latest conquest and I wanted to hang out with Ash so I snuck out and rode my bike to Ash’s house. She let me in and I stashed the bike in the bushes in her front yard. Ash was getting in the shower so I chilled on her couch and my mom came to Ash’s door and started BANGING ON IT LIKE THE FUCKING COPS DUDE! ASH ANSWERED THE DOOR IN HER TOWEL ALL WET!”

"Now she definitely thinks you’re fucking her!” Tobin squeaked out.

The two began to howl with laughter. Tobin had to stop to brace herself on the nearest set of blue lockers. Pinoe’s eyes filled with tears and her cheeks turned red. Tobin began to cough and Pinoe slapped her on the back roughly.

“Ow…dude you are so fucking rough. Do you know how hard you hit you little fucker?” Tobin said wincing at her friend.

“Wait wait….” Pinoe said, her face taking on that concentrated expression once again. Tobin knew exactly what was coming next. Pinoe wouldn’t let her go until she got the perfect popping sound off her back with her cupped hand.

“You know me dude, I always find a way to do what I want.” Pinoe stated matter of factly as she got the desired sound and let Tobin’s arm go.

“Yea, I do know you little ass and I’m not like you. You do whatever you want. I’m not like that dude. You know I’m not. You’re the one that calls me grandma!”

“Look, all I’m saying is that if Alex is the one and the only one then it shouldn’t matter what bitch she’s fucking right now. Its all a game dude. I see how you two are together. Fucking Marta… fuck her. She isn’t shit. Trust me. Just cuz she’s fucking her doesn’t mean she wants her. She really wants to fuck you but you're like the forbidden fruit. Dude she eats you up with her eyes. I know what that look means dude, girls give me that look all the time.” Tobin rolled her eyes but smiled because she believed it 100%.

“So dude, stop walking around with your head down. Fuck, you look like shit. You need to sleep and eat and get some pussy. Those three things are good for your health you know? The essentials?”

“You’re such an asshole.” Tobin replied doubling over with laughter.

“Yea but I made you laugh. Dude you’re too fucking serious. Too intense. Fuck, can’t you wait until you’re an adult to be like that? Stop being such a fucking drama queen. Fuck Alex. Fuck Marta. Fuck em dude. I don’t call you a 'G' for nothing. If you got your head out of your ass you’d see all the chicks that are always checking you out. Dude you don’t even know. All you have to do is walk down the hall with your head up and that killer smile…damn, the girls would wet their panties.”

“I’m not like you dude. I don’t have that confidence and I’m not even experienced and I’m pretty sure no one even notices me like that.”

“Dude shut the fuck up. There you go. Stop being a little bitch. We own this school. We can have any girl we want. As soon as you see that you’ll know what I’m talking about. Marta is gonna get hers dude. Trust me. And if she doesn’t, me and Ash will take care of her. Don’t worry about it. Just smile more dude. You have a killer fucking smile. Start with that. Everything else will come with time.”

Pinoe stopped walking and pulled Tobin to a stop. “Hey dude, I know you love her and I know what you went through to get her but you’re gonna learn the hard way to hold back. You have to hold back at least a little bit dude. For yourself. For your fucking heart or these ruthless bitches won’t hesitate to rip it out and stomp on it. Don’t show all your cards in one go. You need to protect yourself Tobs.”

Pinoe looked into her friends’ soft brown eyes circled with grief and exhaustion and her expression softened.

(Pinoes’ brain notes: Man this bitch did a number on you buddy. She really did.)

Pinoe turned to walk again and pulled Tobin’s arm a little so she could follow. All seriousness was gone. “Stick with me dude. We’ll wreck through this school like a fucking dozer. Killer smile and killer looks side by side….pfffftttt nothing can stop us.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re cocky as fuck?” Pinoe continued talking as if Tobin had never thrown out a comment.

“Smile dude. Smile. Or I’ll slap….thatsadlookrightoffyourface!” The blonde midfielder yelled the last part of her sentence out as she roughly slapped Tobin’s right cheek and then took off running down the hall.

“YOU LITTLE…SHHHIIIITTTT!” Tobin yelled eyes wide in surprise as she started chasing her friend down the hall. They laughed and yelled and ran until their lungs burned. They dodged faculty and a few students that were still meandering the halls. But there was one faculty member that neither of them was fast or crafty enough to dodge. Heather Mitts.

“Now what the hell do you two think you’re doing? Tobin aren’t you supposed to be preparing for the final basketball game of the season? Get you’re little asses over here right now.”

“Oh hello Mittsy….you’re looking good. Aren’t you supposed to be home with your husband right about now?” Pinoe said biting her lip and giving the beautiful blonde coach a once over.

“Oh I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be Mrs. Rapinoe.” Pinoe visibly cringed at the formality of her name coming out of the coach’s’ mouth.

(Pinoes’ brain notes: Fuck I hate when she says my name like that but she looks so fucking good she can call me whatever she wants.)

“But you’re obviously not. You two are begging for detention…or I could just ride you hard out on the soccer field with beep tests until the wee hours of the morning. That would be fun too. What do you think?”

(Pinoe’s brain notes: Oh God…ride me…yes please.)

Tobin was about to answer in the negative but Pinoe spoke up first.

“I’m never opposed to being ridden. I can handle that coach. When do we start?”

Tobin lunged at her friend placing a hand over her mouth. Tobin looked over at the coach apologetically but she saw something cross her pretty features that she couldn’t place at first. It took Tobin a few seconds but she was sure she had seen it before on Alex’s face. It started out as a shocked expression but it soon melted into a look of fire. Pure fire and then it was gone. Quick but unmistakable.

“Don’t listen to her coach she’s uh... coming down with something. She’s delirious. I’m going to the locker room right now and Pinoe is gonna follow me to the gym to watch the game. Sorry. We’ll head there immediately.”

The coach was looking from Pinoe to Tobin with an expression that Tobin couldn’t read.

“Rapinoe, you better be glad you have friends that actually care what happens to you. Get out of here. Hurry up before I change my mind.”

Tobin pulled Pinoe along with her and kept her hand placed over the blondes’ mouth as she backed up in case she had any other inappropriate comments she wanted to voice. Pinoe reached up and pried Tobin’s hand off. Tobin noticed that the two never broke eye contact.

(Tobins’ brain notes: Ok that’s a little weird but I guess Mittsy needs Pinoe to understand that she means business? I don’t know whatever.)

The last thing Pinoe did before she turned around and made her way back to the locker room was wink at the coach.

(Tobins’ brain notes: Yea…that cockiness….wow. I can never be that confident. She just winked at the hottest faculty member in school, not to mention the flirting with heavy sexual innuendo. Dam Pinoe.)

Tobin realized that the whole school year had nearly gone by and she hadn’t even noticed. She had tolerated the day in and day out occurrences instead of stopping to really experience them. Her entire focus had been on Alex and now all she had was a wasted year and a broken heart to show for it. Was it too late to turn things around?

The game was against a scrappy team that had nothing to lose. They were dead last in the standings and they were playing one of the best teams in the state so the coach had warned the team before the game that it would probably get very physical.

“The best thing to do is to keep your heads. Be professional. You represent Kennedy High. Don’t disappoint me. And don’t give into their game. They will try to frustrate you and make you angry. Ignore them and play.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I should’ve skipped this game. This is the last thing I need right now.)

Tobin’s ball handling was tentative. The usual aggressive confidence all stomped out of her. More assisting than taking it to the hole. She could hear the agitation in the coach’s’ voice and even in the assistant coaches’ voice when they called for a time out. Tobin shrugged it off. Like the opposing team, she too had nothing to lose.

It happened during the 3rd quarter when she dribbled to the sideline and out of habit, she looked. Her subconscious led her to look to the corner on the first bench of the bleachers where Alex used to sit and watch her play. She could almost see her there with her camera trying to get a good shot. Tobin stood there at a stand still dribbling with her right and holding out her left arm against the defense. Then she was in a tussle for the ball with number 5 on the opposing team.

The strength of #5 was surprising catching Tobin off guard. Before she knew it they had fallen to the floor in a jump ball situation. Neither player willing to let go. The long limber body of #5 was dripping with sweat and pungent with a reeking smell of bad body odor. Tobin immediately thought of onions.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Jesus Christ do I smell like that? I hope I don’t.)

As the ref blew the whistle to signal for them to stop Tobin immediately let go and was left in a rather compromising position. With all of #5s body weight on top of her preventing her from moving until the bad B.O. brunette decided to remove herself. Then it happened. So lightning quick that Tobin wouldn’t have believed it if she wasn’t watching it happen. Before #5 got up with the ball, she leaned over to the closest piece of Tobin’s skin that was exposed, which happened to be her ankle, and bit down hard enough to leave a mark.

The Kennedy bench and fans all rose at the same time and began to yell in protest. The coach broke his clipboard banging it against his chair as he demanded a technical foul. Tobin sat up in shock and looked at the smug satisfied smile on the girls face. Tobin was too numb to really feel any pain but that look sealed the deal. This girl was going to get it and she was going to be in considerable pain very soon. The Kennedy team saw the look in their point guard’s eyes and went over to restrain her.

With about 6 sets of hands on her from the bench and the court, and Ashlyn’s arms around her torso, Tobin settled down immediately. Silence fell on the gym as the ref informed the scorekeepers of the foul and the jump ball…then Pinoe’s voice rang out from the bleachers. Rough, loud and obnoxious.

“GO TOBS! PUNCH HER IN THE VAG!”

There was an audible intake of breath as everyone in the gym looked over to where Pinoe sat. Tobin’s mouth dropped open in disbelief at her friend’s audacity. Pinoe sat looking around at all the accusatory glances she was getting as if confused but she was also smiling. Every last person in the gym heard her and she knew shed be in a lot trouble for this so she reveled in the recognition.

(Pinoe’s brain notes: May as well smile and enjoy this since I’m gonna get fucked for it.)

Heather Mitts was the assistant coach and she stared along with everyone else. She was the first to see Sue, the school police officer making her way toward Pinoe in the stands. Heather left the second seat she had taken next to the varsity coach to meet the officer at her intended destination. Pinoe’s face lit up when she saw the beautiful blonde walking over.

“Hi. I’m gonna get in some deep shit right now aren’t I?” Pinoe let out quickly before Sue arrived.

Sue was only a few paces away when Pinoe blurted out what she was thinking before she could get too nervous and not say it. Pinoe had never been unsettled by any girl or woman. Her confidence was always what led her actions and words so she never had a problem being smooth and she always had a funny retort to keep the conversation light and funny. This is what everyone fell in love with. Laughter heals and excites. Laughter is warm and inviting.

Heather Mitts had unsettled Megan Rapinoe in a way that had the outspoken blonde at a loss for words every time she was in the same room or if she saw her even if it was just for a split second in the halls during school. Pinoe was hooked and the longer she went without having Heather the more it was driving her crazy. She always went for what she wanted and she always got what she wanted until now.

“If I would've known that all it took was for me to yell the word Vag to get you to come over here I would've been yelling it since the first quater. You standing here is so worth it. But what could keep you away…really. I mean, I am sort of irresistible.”

Pinoe gave her best smile trying to cover all the nervousness that she was sure her eyes were giving away. Heather squinted her eyes as if trying to figure out what to say next. Before she could say anything Sue arrived.

“I have to escort you off the premises Megan. Orders came directly from the man himself.” Sue looked at Megan pleadingly as if she expected a big blowup or protest from the small blonde.

“You know that girl was wrong right Sue? Just as long as you say she was wrong then I’ll let you escort me.”

“Megan this is not up for discussion. Its either I escort you or you face expulsion. It doesn’t matter what I think.”

“It does to me Sue. You’re cool. I care what you think.”

The officer smiled patiently. “You know I love all you girls and I just want what’s best for you but you are in a lot of trouble little Miss. Just come with me and we can avoid anything worse.”

“Shut your mouth already Megan and get up. Sue won’t put her hands on you if you walk by yourself.” Heather growled under her breath. Pinoe felt a pang in her heart at the tone the coach used but when she looked at her face and saw nothing but pure concern, her eyes widened slightly in recognition.

(Pinoes’ brain notes: Maybe she really does care about me.)

The team looked on concerned for their friend. Tobin felt responsible and that stress thrown on top of everything else she was already dealing with was just a little too much for her. She walked over to the coach and made an excuse so she could ride the bench for the rest of the game. The coach allowed it and Tobin took her seat at the end of the bench keeping her eyes on the current event taking place in the bleachers.

“That’s cool. I’ll get up and leave but Ash and Ali were my ride home. I’m going to have to wait another hour for them outside.”

“I’ll take you home.” Heather blurted out quickly as if the opportunity was going to quickly dissipate like a spring shower seeps into the ground after months of drought.

Both Pinoe and Sue looked over at Heather with slack jawed expressions.

“Ok…problem solved. Let’s go Megan.”

Pinoe stood up willingly enough. “Hey Sue, grab me and I’ll act like I’m struggling so I can look like a bad ass.” Pinoe whispered toward the cop as she stood up.

Sue shook her head and laughed as she gently took Pinoe by the arm and led her out the nearest exit.

“She was wrong by the way.” Sue declared as she let Pinoe go outside the door. Pinoe turned around and fist pumped in the air. “I knew it!” She yelled causing Sue to laugh and shake her head. The officer closed the doors and then Heather and Megan were alone.

“Come on. My car is over here. Do you need me to escort you or can you walk?” Heather asked sarcastically.

“I can walk but you can put your hands on me if you want.”

“I don’t know what this is Megan but its inappropriate. You have to stop talking to me like this in front of people. Its not right and its gonna give off the wrong impression. You’re one of the best players on my team and I need you out there.”

“W-Wait did you just say ‘in front of people’? As in, its ok as long as we are alone?” Pinoe asked. Pinoe’s heart was thudding in her chest and adrenaline was pumping in her veins on overload.

“Whu-what are you talking about? I didn’t say that?”

“Wow, yes you did. Are you gonna try to deny it now? I clearly heard you say that.”

“Well I don’t remember what I said but it’s irrelevant. Whatever this is needs to stop. I don’t want to have to discuss this with you again.” And with that Pinoe opened the door to Heahter’s black SUV and climbed in the passengers seat.

Tobin went home that night and cried for hours until she finally fell asleep. The pieces of her heart sifting to the bottom of her soul as nightmares began to swirl around in the darkness of the room. Tobin whimpered in her sleep.

The disk lay safely in the small outer pocket of her backpack.

***************************************************

The next day after 4th period, Ashlyn stood waiting for Tobin outside her classroom door.

“Tobs….”

“Jesus dude! You scared the shit out of me! You were skipping again?! Dude you know Ali is gonna kill you if she finds out.”

“Tobs…shut…sh…shhhhh…shutup for a second. Marta has lunch right now and she’s probably in the cafeteria. Do you still have the disk?”

“Yea dude…of course….No. What do you want me to do? You’d get kicked off the soccer team and I wouldn’t even have chance to play softball…no.”

“Dude if you’re not gonna beat the shit out of her you have to tell her something at least. She can’t fucking go around doing and saying the things shes fucking saying without you telling her something and I’m not gonna let her talk shit about you either.”

“Whu…what do you mean dude?” Ashlyn looked down and bit her lip. It was clear she didn’t want to tell Tobin what she had heard. This gesture made Tobin’s head spin and her stomach lurch.

“Tell me Ash.”

Ashlyn sighed deeply and looked up at her friend with sympathetic eyes.

“Dude she keeps telling everyone that you’re a psycho and she stole your girl because you weren’t satisfying her.”

Tobin’s fists and jaw clenched.

“I’m not gonna fight her because that would just fucking prove what she’s telling everyone. And then she fucking wins!”

Tobin’s voice cracked with frustration and tears that she was angrily trying to fight. She felt utterly helpless and jammed into a corner like a mouse that a cat has cornered.

“But she’s not gonna get off that easily. You got my back Ash?”

“Of course. Let’s go dude.”

The two friends walked over the cafeteria dodging students that were hurrying to class or making their way toward the cafeteria. As they walked in one of the large doors they stopped scanning the groups of tables for Marta. When Tobin found who she was looking for her breath hitched in shock. Marta stood talking animateditly to her friends that were sitting at the table and Alex stood a little behind her listening and smiling at all the right times. Alex stood quietly with her hands clasped in front of her as Marta entertained her crowd of friends.

(Tobins’ brain notes: Huh…that’s how she treats her girls. Like a beautiful possession that she shows off and then puts in its place when she’s busy. Is that what makes her happy? Is that how she wanted me to treat her?)

Tobin was enraged and sad and overwhelmed with grief. She dug her nails into her palms to help fight the powerful urge to turn around and leave the cafeteria. Then Ashlyn spoke up.

“Of course she’d be here. Fuck dude, is she trying to kill you? If she can skip for Marta how come she never skipped for you?”

“Just…let’s go dude.”

Tobin let her emotions take over and only restrained herself when she felt like she was going to send a right hook right into Marta’s face. She quickly approached the table and Alex was able to get a few seconds of eye contact before Tobin spoke.

(Alex’s brain notes: Oh no baby. Oh my god…look what I did to you! Please…please don’t make things worse. She’s not worth getting in trouble for.)

Alex’s eyes dropped with sadness but she held back her tears. She knew she didn’t deserve to cry. She had been the one to break Tobin’s heart, not the other way around.

Two paces away from Marta and Tobin took action.

“HEY!” Tobin yelled loud enough for a few tables in the vicinity to quiet down.

Marta turned around unexpectedly looking for the owner of the voice. When she made eye contact with Tobin her eyes widened in surprise. Tobin threw the disk at Marta hitting her square in the chest and then she sent the folded letter her way in the same manner. Both objects bounced off and landed on the table in front of Marta.

The short tanned girl flinched back and then looked down at the objects confused. And then Tobin was right in front of her. Tobin felt the adrenaline coursing through her body. She could feel her carotid artery bouncing up and down on her neck and her hands were beginning to shake.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Keep it together Tobin. Don’t hit her. Warn her and then leave. Look at how scared she is. What a pussy.)

Tobin could see the fear in Marta’s eyes and she loved it.

“If you don’t want people knowing your business then don’t leave your fucking shit in the computer lab you fucking bitch.” Tobin said through clenched teeth.

Marta sputtered and nervously took a few baby steps further back. Alex stood by, stunned and speechless.

Marta looked as if she might speak but words were not coming. Tobin laughed and shook her head at the sight. She looked to her left and saw the group of Marta’s friends that had previously been the audience that Marta had been entertaining. Most of the faces were unfamiliar but Tobin was able to name a few. And then she realized that she knew one face really well. Valerie was at the end of the table and Christen was sitting next her biting her lip and giving Tobin a sad and concerned look.

“Oh hey Press! I didn’t know you had this lunch period!” Tobin said in a booming voice that was way louder than it should have been. The adrenaline had overpowered her and now she had to try to control it and channel it into friendly conversation to avoid smashing Marta’s face.

“Look Ash its sneaky little Press back there! That little shit is skipping! I think it might snow in California ladies and gents!” Tobin laughed and patted Ashlyn on the back roughly jerking her joints that felt like a years worth of rust had settled in them.

Tobin began to walk over to where Christen sat and Ashlyn followed close behind. Tobin’s legs felt heavy and her breathing was quick and shallow. She knew that if she didn’t over exaggerate when she spoke that her voice would sound weak and shaky and that’s the last thing she wanted right now.

Christen stood up and crushed Tobin in a hug. Tobin was a little shocked. She just expected a wave or a look of pity from her friend especially in front of Valerie but Christen wasn’t holding back. She clearly wanted to hug Tobin and no one was going to stop her.

“H-Hey…its good to see you too beautiful.” Tobin said laughing a little and stumbling off balance. Christen held her upright.

Ashlyn smiled at the sight. It felt great to see her friend being embraced by a beautiful girl.

(Ashlyn’s brain notes: Oh shit…Press is gonna be in so much trouble with her girlfriend. Ha! Oh fuck I bet Alex is jealous as fuck too.) At this thought Ashlyn turned around to look at Alex’s expression.

(Ashlyn’s brain notes: Just as I thought. Blue fiery eyes and a clenched jaw. Good job Press. Good job. She’s nice and pissed now. She’s not the only hot bitch in this room.)

Alex didn’t want to admit it to herself but anytime Christen Press put her hands on Tobin it made her seethe with jealousy. Even knowing that Christen was dating Valerie. Seriously dating Valerie it still bothered her to no end. Deep down she knew that if Christen was not with Valerie that she would jump at the chance to be with Tobin and Tobin was free to do what she wanted now. That thought alone made Alex’s head spin. She found the nearest chair and plopped down in it.

“Come sit here next to me. You too Ash.”

“Whatever you say gorgeous.” Tobin was laying it on thick and Christen knew why but she didn’t mind. Tobin had addressed her like this plenty of times before when Alex wasn’t around so she knew what Tobin really thought of her. These pet names may be for show but Tobin meant it.

Marta seemed to gain her footing after all the interaction and finally decided to address the issue of the disk.

“Wh where did you get this?” She asked Tobin just loud enough for the tanned midfielder to hear her over the table and the students in the cafeteria. Marta’s voice was timid and shaky.

“Oh just a friend of mine found it in the computer lab.” Tobin said nonchalantly and never took her eyes off Christen. Tobin saw an eye lash on Christen’s cheek and reached out to grab it.

Tobin was depending only on instinct at this point. She felt numb and excited. Dead and high all at the same time. But the pain was festering in the pit of her stomach and the more it festered the more it coaxed the fire of her anger. Christen saw it in her eyes but didn’t feel it in her touch. Tobin was just as gentle and loving as she always was. Christen began to imagine what it would be like to belong to Tobin and this made her stomach flip.

(Christens’ brain notes: Wow that was an unexpected feeling.)

Tobin gently removed the eyelash and held it between her fingers.

“Make a wish Pressy.” Tobin almost whispered. Christen smiled and closed her eyes to make a wish. Tobin looked at her friend’s features without guilt or any feeling of remorse. She studied the curve of her cheek and the thickness of her beautiful eyelashes. She saw the perfect color of her skin and the natural pink of her lips.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I bet she’s a great kisser.) Tobin thought causing her own stomach to do a somersault.

Christen opened her eyes and nodded her head signaling that she was ready to pick a finger.

Tobin held out her fingers and Christen picked the one on top. Tobin nodded her head and slowly opened her fingers to reveal the eyelash stuck to the bottom finger.

“Oh…I’m sorry. I guess that wish isn’t gonna come true princess. I hope it wasn’t anything too important.” Christen pouted.

“Of course it was important Toby….” Christen let out before she could stop herself.

Tobin winced a little. She tried to hide it but Christen noticed.

“I-I it was very important but maybe just not meant to be.”

Christen said with a sad, grateful smile. She knew that Tobin hated that nickname and she hated it even more now that it was associated with Alex. The sound of that nickname only brought pain and loathing. Christen was grateful that Tobin hadn’t blown up at her for using it.

Tobin shrugged her shoulders. “Oh well, its funny to think about all the things that were just never meant to be huh?”

Alex watched the entire exchange sizzling in jealousy and feeling sicker by the minute.

“Where did you get this?” Marta asked again.

Christen saw Tobin’s jaw clench and she held onto her hand to try to keep her friend grounded.

Tobin turned to face Marta.

“Are you fucking deaf? I said my friend found it in the computer lab and gave it to me.” Tobin slowly stood up and fully faced Marta. She began to slowly walk toward her. Ashlyn stumbled to her feet and followed.

“Do me a favor and keep my fucking name out of your mouth. I don’t know how long I can hold my friends back from wanting to pummel you. Talking shit about me will only make it worse.” Tobin said, her voice taking on a dark quality making her threats more of a promise than a warning.

“You too.” Tobin said looking at Alex. Her voice was robotic and lifeless. No emotion. “No reason my name should be in YOUR mouth anymore.” Tobin broke eye contact and walked out of the cafeteria with Ashlyn following close behind.


	17. The Coward

All adrenaline that had coursed its way through Tobin’s veins and turned her lithe body into steel had finally come crashing down around her and the waves of emotion had no where to go but out all over the place.

She lay on the floor of the shower at home as loud painful sobs wracked her body mercilessly. The showerhead sprinkling hot drops of water on her skin and gathering her tears so that they disappeared into the endless river falling from above.

When all tears had been shed and long since lapped up by the drain, Tobin stared blankly into the shower head watching each drop fall from the sprout as it came directly down onto her face. Her eyes had glossed over and all flinching was gone. The water hit her pupils directly causing her eyes to become slightly irritated. Added on to the irritation from weeks of shedding painful tears, it was barely noticeable. Tobin was numb from head to toe.

All she could see was the last look on Alex’s face. Pity. Alex had ruined the only thing that had ever mattered to Tobin and had dismissed it like it was never anything real. Tobin could imagine Marta with her hands on Alex, kissing her, being intimate with her…it was torture. But what hurt the most were the plans and the ridicule and the whispering in the hall ways that was becoming harder and harder to ignore.

All the whispering that seemed to follow her through the halls into the locker room onto the court and especially on the soccer field. Softball would be her only escape.

Alex had not only broken her heart she had betrayed the strong bond that they had formed long before Marta was even in the picture. The bond they had formed out of pure and innocent love. Simple and strong. A love that Tobin thought she would always have or always know. Now it was tainted by lies and pain and selfishness.

Everything that Tobin read in that note was on repeat in her head. Every important detail was bulleted and filed away as another painful memory. And Alex was to receive this letter. A letter that had made it crystal clear that they had been meeting and talking on a regular basis and they had discussed Tobin. They had thoroughly discussed the intimate details of Tobin. She imagined them laughing about how in love she was and how immature she must seem.

(Tobin’s brain notes: No baby…please. You would never do this to me. Come back to me. I know you still love me. You couldn’t have told her we weren’t real because we were. You know we were. We still are.)

Tobin shifted her eyes to the left to relieve some of the irritation. And then there was Alex. Laying next to her and looking at her as if she was the only girl that existed on earth. Like Tobin had hung the moon and stars just so they could star gaze together.

“Baby…please….” Tobin whispered through a fresh crop of tears.

Tobin and Alex had history. A history that couldn’t easily be swept away or ignored. But Alex was ignoring it. Alex had turned her back and Tobin had to figure out what direction she was going to have to take to get out of this shroud of darkness. She was slipping and the water was going to have to take to get out of this shroud of darkness. She was slipping and the water was beginning to drown her. Tobin sat up so she could breathe and slammed her fist into the tiled wall. Numb.

Tobin gripped the sides of the tub and closed her eyes waiting for the pain to subside…bad idea.

“I love you baby. I love only you. I am yours. I will always belong to you.”

Tobin could hear her and see her. As if Alex was sitting right in front of her. The intensity in that sea of blue. The sincerity. The love. Every word out of Alex’s mouth was true. It had been true at the time.

Tobin knew she had to just keep breathing but breathing had never been this hard.

***********************************************

“Hey coach can I talk to you?”

“I already know what you’re gonna say but ok. Go into my office and wait for me there.”

Tobin looked down at her feet and nodded her head numbly at the coach before she made her way to the office.

It didn’t take long before Heather was sitting across from Tobin, legs crossed and attentive waiting to hear what she already knew. The young coach was upset about the decision. Tobin had come a long way and she was very talented. But Heather also understood how it felt to be reminded of something so painful while trying to participate in a game you loved so much.

“Um…I guess you already know I’m playing softball this year instead of soccer.” Tobin said timidly, wringing her hands on her lap.

“Yes, Tobin. You’re friend Megan told me about it. You are aware that it is still possible to play both sports? I am willing to share you with the softball coach. That’s what Megan, Ashlyn and even Lauren are going to do.”

“Yes coach I know…I just can’t. I’m sorry. I’ve never had to…”

“Don’t explain. You don’t have to. You are one hell of a soccer player Heath. I’m disappointed but I understand. If you change your mind mid season you can always come back. Screw all the crying parents. You’ll be starting for me. No questions asked.”

Tobin smiled softly at the coach. If only things were that simple all around. Always something to fall back on.

“Good luck with your softball season kid. They’re lucky to have you.” Heather said smiling. “Now come here and give me a hug. Hurry before you make us both late for practice. You still have to get dressed and run out to the softball field.”

Tobin got up and tentatively walked over to the other side of the desk where the coach was waiting with open arms. The hug was brief but it was solid and heart felt.

“Now get out of here kid. I better see you at a few of our games.”

“I’ll be there coach. You can count on it.”

The blonde and brunette smiled at each other and then Tobin walked out of the office. She was on her way to her locker when she was suddenly shoved painfully up against the nearest wall. When Tobin came to her senses she realized that not only was she being pinned but she was also being choked by someone’s forearm.

(Tobin’s brain notes: No, no this can’t be. Why is she doing this? What did I do?)

“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TOBIN!? HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO HER!?”

Tobin reached up grabbing for the taller girl’s arm so that she could get some air into her lungs. She wanted air in her lungs, not to breathe or even live but to fix whatever was causing this disaster. To speak soothing words to smooth over whatever was causing the girl she loved to assault her.

“A-Alex….” Tobin whispered, her eyes filling with tears. Prickling tears of sadness and lack of oxygen.

Tobin managed to push Alex a few inches back and relieve the pressure on her vocal chords. She knew that she could easily handle Alex if she needed to but she would never try to overpower her. She would rather let Alex choke her out than retaliate and possibly hurt her.

Tobin saw something in Alex’s eyes. Something dark and animalistic. The closest Alex and Tobin had ever come to laying an aggressive hand on each other was when they wrestled and that was just an excuse to be close to each other. This was different. It was malicious and ruthless and Tobin knew that Alex meant to hurt her. She could see those intentions in that dark sea of blue and a flicker of something much more disturbing. Alex was enjoying Tobin’s discomfort.

Tobin had always associated Alex with warm feelings. Hand holding, unconditional love and trust. Now all she saw was hatred and anger. The girl that had stolen her heart so long ago was now her enemy. Tobin’s air supply was being cut short by a stranger. And without that version of Alex that she had fallen in love with on that first day of practice so long ago, Tobin was lost.

“Alex whateryoutalkingabout?” Tobin let out in one big gust of breath.

Alex stepped back angrily balling her fists up and clenching them at her sides. Every nerve in her body was screaming to attack the girl in front of her. Tobin sensed this and her knees buckled. She grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a basket full of basketballs to steady herself.

“Do you know that she won’t be able to fucking graduate now? What the fuck is wrong with you!? I can’t fucking believe you Tobin!”

“PLEASE PLEASE START MAKING SOME FUCKING SENSE ALEX BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!”

Tobin suddenly yelled voice cracking and shaking. She surprised herself, Alex and coach Mitts who had made her way out of her office just in time to catch the outburst.

“Ladies, is everything ok in here? I can’t have you fighting. Are you two going to be civilized or do I have to call Sue?”

Alex furrowed her eyebrows and squinted her eyes at Tobin in anger. Tobin cleared her throat and stood up straight.

“Everything is ok coach. Alex and I just need to discuss something. We’ll be fine.”

The coach hesitated looking from one teenager to the other trying to make up her mind. She was confused. The last time she had seen these two together they were smitten and now it seemed as if they didn’t even know each other anymore.

Alex had begun to pace back and forth like a caged animal while Heather mulled over her choices.

“Well…ok Heath. If you say so. I don’t want this getting out of hand. I trust you, don’t make me regret that.”

“Yes ma’am thank you.”

“And you…calm down and keep your hands to yourself.” Heather addressed Alex with a pointed look and a threatening finger.

Alex stared back emotionless and silent.

With that Heather slowly and reluctantly made her way out of the locker room.

Tobin watched her coach finally disappear and then turned around to face the girl she once knew very well. The small remnants of the true love they had once shared was shattered all over the locker room floor. Tobin could almost see the pieces. The jagged pieces of her broken heart were making small damaging cuts inside her chest with every beat.

“Now…please calm down and tell me what you’re talking about because I really have no idea what you mean.”

“You know what I’m fucking talking about Tobin. Please don’t fucking lie because I’m angry enough as it is at this point. You’ll only make it worse. I’m trying my hardest not to fucking hate you right now.” Alex seethed her eyes blazing with an explosive fire that Tobin had never witnessed.

Tobin’s breath was caught in her throat. A throat that had quickly gone dry. The clicking sound reminded her of a time when her throat would go dry just being so overwhelmed with love while being in the presence of this very girl. Tobin suddenly felt like she needed to sit down. This confrontation was too much. Too real. She needed to grasp on to whatever reality she could while she was still conscious.

“No…no Alex. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Tobin replied almost whispering and digging her nails into her palms to keep the tears from forming in her eyes. The lump in Tobin’s throat had grown so big that it was excruciating to speak any words at all but she managed.

“The fucking disk that you had Tobin.” Alex’s voice was like a calm body of water that was teeming with angry piranhas just beneath the surface. She pronounced each word carefully so as to not fall into a pattern of yelling again but it was a big challenge and Tobin saw the endless struggle. Tobin bit her quivering lip.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She fucking hates me and I don’t even know what I did. How did we fucking get here? How did something so perfect turn into this?)

The first tears started to fall down Tobin’s face and she made no attempt at wiping them away. With the promise of many more tears to come there was just no use.

“That disk had everything Marta needed to turn in to her English teacher just to graduate. It…it was like fucking 5 essays or something and you erased it Tobin! I can’t fucking believe you. She won’t be graduating with her class because of you. There’s no way she can make up all that work now! I never thought you would stoop this low, Tobin. I don’t even know you anymore.”

Tobin’s eyes grew wide in disbelief. She sputtered with shock and outrage.

“WH-WHAT!? I didn’t do shit to that fucking disk! I never even fucking put it in a computer! I never even fucking saw what was on it!” Tobin cried as more tears spilled over her cheeks.

Alex looked at Tobin with a new found disgust. The blue eyed teenager shook her head and began to walk out of the locker room. Tobin scrambled around the bench that separated them and ran after her.

“No..NO Alex I’m not lying to you. Please believe me. I swear….I swear on everything I’ve ever loved. I would never do something like that!” Tobin pleaded speaking quickly and desperately before Alex could slip away.

Tobin ran in front of Alex cutting off her exit and reached for her hands. Alex flinched back as if a flame had touched her skin.

“Don’t you fucking touch me Tobin. You have the fucking balls to lie to my face? I loved you so much and I saw a future with you but that’s when I thought I knew you. I can’t love someone that would do something like this! It’s no one’s fault that you can’t have a girlfriend Tobin. Its not Marta’s fault that your mom is a bitch.”

Tobin had begun to sob uncontrollably. Every word out of Alex’s mouth stabbing her like a thousand tiny daggers. The more Tobin sobbed the more vicious the words became. And every tear that fell just stoked the angry fire that had grown into an inferno inside Alex’s heart.

“What did you think would happen? That I’d come running back to you after that stunt? That I’d think it was fucking cool or something because its not Tobin and you’re pathetic. Don’t come near us again. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Alex brushed past Tobin harshly knocking into her shoulder as she left the locker room. Tobin found the nearest bench and sat down as her body shook with pain and confusion.

(Tobin’s brain notes: How…how could this happen? I didn’t do anything to that fucking disk and even if I had put it into a computer why would I erase what was on there? I didn’t know she needed that shit to graduate. She has to believe me. I have to convince her. I can’t lose her again.)

You can’t lose something you didn’t have to begin with.

*************************************************

“Dude what the fuck is she talking about! There was nothing on there! Ask Pinoe! We put it in, it said we couldn’t open it without formatting it so we did and there was nothing on it.”

“Oh fuck….” Ali interjected quietly.

“Oh fuck, what babe?” Ashlyn said turning to her girlfriend for an explanation.

“Ash, that disk was fucked up before you even put it in the computer. Don’t you know anything about disks?”

“I know enough.” Ashlyn said defensively.

“I’m serious Ashlyn….that disk was fucked up and when you formatted it, it erased everything on there.”

“That’s not my fucking fault! How was I supposed to know the piece of shit was fucked up?”

“It doesn’t matter anyway baby because even if you didn’t format it, it would still be gone. You can’t retrieve the things that are saved on there once the disk is corrupt. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t Tobin’s either. No one erased the disk, it was just fucked up. That’s why the dumb bitch should use a USB. They’re just more reliable.”

“No that’s why the dumb bitch shouldn’t wait until the last semester to turn in almost 3 months worth of work. Fucking lazy sack of shit. Dumb, ugly and cheap. Alex hit the trifecta.” Carli spat.

Throughout the conversation, Tobin listened as she sat on bench with her head in her hands trying to get rid of a raging headache. Carli, Hope, Kelley, Sydney, Kristie, Ashlyn, Ali, Pinoe, HAO, Press and Lauren were all in a circle trying to figure out the mess that one little square shaped piece of plastic and tin had caused.

“So let me get this straight….” Sydney said standing up from her position on the bench to stand in the middle of the circle.

“Good luck with that bitch…you can’t even see straight and you want to get this straight?” Pinoe interrupted causing the entire group to howl with laughter. Even Tobin giggled a little.

“Funny Pinoe, very funny.” Sydney said giving Pinoe a little shove from inside the circle. Pinoe pushed her back causing her to step back onto Ashlyn’s foot. Ashlyn yelped and pushed Sydney off causing the forward to go crashing into HAO next. Soon the circle of friends was pushing Sydney around like a pinball making its rounds in a machine. This little activity would soon be titled “The circle of Death” but for now it was just fun and new and just like everything else they did, it ended in a dog pile.

After the shenanigans concluded, Sydney went back to her original query.

“Marta fucks Tobin over. Steals Tobin's girl. Fucks Tobin's girl. Talks shit about Tobin constantly. Starts rumors about her, when Tobin has never done anything to her, I might add. And all this shit with the disk was just a coincidence?! Well shit...why can't karma ever do a 24 hr turn around when I need it to??” Sydney exclaimed laughing and slapping her knee.

“Dam doggie, you fucked her over and didn’t even have to lift a finger. Karma had your fucking back.” Ashlyn said stooping down so that her lips could reach Tobin’s ear on the bench where she had resumed rubbing her temples after the circle of death.

“So maybe now you won’t have to kill her Carli. I know you want to but damn, she’s not even gonna graduate…I think that’s punishment enough.” HAO said laughing harder. Carli shrugged her shoulders and laughed along with the rest.

Hope stood up and gently placed a surprised and pouting Kelley on her feet as she waited to be given the floor. Hope’s confidence and demeanor always had everyone, even her close friends, address her with the utmost respect. It didn’t take long for the group to quiet down.

Kelley continued pouting hoping that Hope would soon see her face and pull her back onto her lap. Kelley was Hope’s only weakness.

“What we really need to focus on here is Tobin, not Marta. Tobs, we’re here for you and if we can help convince Alex in any way, just let us know.”

“Thanks Hope, but its too late for that. She hates me. Well at least she doesn’t love me and she’s fighting the hate. I don’t know which is worse. Its over. I lost her for good and this thing with the disk is just TOO much of a coincidence. I mean, who the fuck would believe me? If you guys were on the other side of this you wouldn’t believe me either.”

“But we know the whole story. We are your friends so we do believe you. Besides, you’re heart is too big to do something like this.” Press replied, her words coming out in a soothing tone just as they had always seemed to when directed at Tobin.

“Babe, you did nothing wrong and if Alex is going to punish you without hearing you out then she doesn’t deserve you.” Lauren spoke up as she sat down next to Tobin on the bench and pulled her body into her side.

“She really never did. I’m sorry. I love her and I love you too but you are way out of her league.” Lauren continued.

“I know I can’t ever have her love again. That’s long gone. I just don’t want her to go on thinking that I would do something like that. She knows me Lauren. She should know that I wouldn’t do that.”

Ashlyn, Pinoe, Carli and Sydney all gave each other wide eyed looks.

“SHE DESERVED IT!” They all yelled in unison.

“Fuck that dude, I wish we could take credit for that. I wish I really did erase that shit on purpose. If I knew that stupid bitch had done that I would’ve erased her work, taken a shit on the disk and THEN thrown that motherfucker on her!”

The locker room erupted in laughter.

“That’s disgusting baby.” Ali said giggling and wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“You love me though.” Ashlyn said smiling big and making Ali’s knees weak with the appearance of her dimple.

“Uhhhhh don’t start you two fuck faces.” Pinoe said throwing her hacky sack at Ashlyn and hitting her square in the stomach.

“Don’t start YOUR shit with that fucking hacky sack or I’ll throw YOU in the circle.” Ashlyn picked up the hacky sack and brought her hand back to throw.

Pinoe quickly looked down at her watch and dramatically widened her eyes in shock.

“Oh FUCK WE’RE LATE TO PRACTICE!”

That did the trick. The hacky sack was dropped and everyone scrambled to change and get onto their respective fields.

************************************************

Two weeks passed when the first incident occurred. A pick up basketball game had formed in the gym after school. Pinoe had invited Tobin to play on her team.

Tobin recognized most of the players except for a few and there was one girl that had graduated two years prior.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What’s she doing here? Someone doesn’t have a life.)

The 20 year olds name was Rosa. Tobin had never spoken to her or even met her but she knew of her. She had seen her enough times the year prior to be able to put a face to a name but that was the extent of their acquaintance.

It was noticeable right away. Every time Tobin was in possession of the ball, Rosa would come off her man to double team and wouldn’t even play defense. She went right in for the ball and Tobin always ended up with an elbow to the stomach or the face.

After this had occurred at least four or five times, Pinoe had had enough. The small blonde started walking toward Rosa with purpose. Tobin intercepted her friends’ advance and put a hand on her chest.

“Let it go dude.” Tobin said.

Next possession, Tobin was pushed down onto the hardwood. Tobin had had enough. She stood, jaw and fists clenched.

“Oh look at the baby psycho. She’s getting mad over a little pick up game. Come on psycho, let’s see you unleash.”

As soon as the word “psycho” left Rosa’s mouth, Tobin knew what it was all about. The unfortunate thing about this type of confrontation is that retaliating means a win for Marta. Not retaliating means Tobin would continue to get stepped on.

Two days later, Tobin’s first softball game. Alex and Marta were in attendance.

Lauren on the pitcher’s mound, Pinoe behind the plate, Tobin at shortstop and Ashlyn on first. Runner on first, no outs, bottom of the 5th. Tobin and Pinoe knew the runner at first would be stealing. It was a given. The routine throw to the short stop at second base had already been signaled by Pinoe before Lauren even wound up for the pitch.

The pitch, runner goes, the throw, the catch and the collision. Lights out for Tobin and the first cognizant detail that Tobin could make out after was the shaking warmth of someone’s body as she lay on their lap.

Tobin opened her eyes and realized that the warm body belonged to Lauren and her best friend was shaking because she was bawling her eyes out. Tobin was lying down on the bench in the dugout with her head on Lauren’s lap.

“Tobin you scared the shit out of me babe!” Lauren wailed slapping Tobin on her shoulder and then quickly rubbing it to soothe the sting.

“L? What the fuck happened? Don’t cry I’m ok.” Tobin replied groggily as she attempted to lift her swimming head. Tobin felt like she was dreaming the most vivid dream she had ever witnessed.

“No, No babe don’t try to get up just lay there. There’s no rush. Coach is taking you out.” Lauren said quickly as she pushed Tobin’s shoulders back down gently.

“Pppfffttt the hell he is. I’m going back in. Did I get her out?”

Lauren laughed and choked on another sob.

“Yes you idiot but who fucking cares! You fucking scared me Tobin don’t do that shit again!” Lauren said her voice rising to a shrill pitch. She was trying her hardest not grab Tobin by the shoulders and give her a good shake.

“Oh sure L. I’ll be sure to ask the nice beast on first not to mow me down next time.”

The two teenagers laughed.

“What the fuck was her problem anyway? She knew she wasn’t gonna get the steal. She knew I wouldn’t drop that shit either.”

“I don’t know and I don’t care. I’m just glad you’re awake.” Lauren sobbed as she caressed the side of Tobin’s face.

Tobin never went back into the game. She tried but when she managed to get to her feet she walked out to 2nd base instead of the shortstop position. She was so confused that she didn’t even remember where her position on the field was. Concussions weren’t any fun.

When the team was walking to the bus after the game Tobin saw the reason behind her concussion. The player on the opposite team that had mowed her down was talking and laughing with Marta and Alex.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Wow…its really going to be like this from now on. How can I let her go if I still love her this much? Because she has already let me go. There is no more Alex AND Tobin. How can I cut her out of my life when I need my heart to live?)

Tobin boarded the bus and took the seat in the back. Tobin’s headphones went into her ears and she leaned her forehead up against the bus window. She closed her eyes as every happy memory she had stored in her heart and mind of her and Alex together flooded out of her eyes and onto the front of her shirt.

The first time she heard her voice like a raspy melody wrapping around the two syllables of her name. It was the most beautiful sound Tobin had ever heard.

The first time their hands touched and how strong the electric shock had been. It knocked Tobin right off her feet.

That fleeting feeling that there was no tomorrow. There was no yesterday only now. Only the moment when she could be in Alex’s presence again. Because being with Alex was the only time she could truly be herself. Her time with Alex was more than minutes ticking away on the clock, it was life. Real life and Tobin wasn’t living without Alex.

*************************************************

Tobin had taken a tip from Pinoe about acquiring some male counterparts. She was a little against the idea at first. She hated the idea of using anyone but she soon found that she was able to form strong friendships with guys easier than she ever could with any girl she had ever met.

So she had Oscar. He was sweet and of course he was head over heels for Tobin. Tobin thought that with all the rumors being spread about her by Marta that most guys would already know that she dated girls. But if Oscar had heard any of the whispers he didn’t care or he just never mentioned it.

Cindy was pleased to see Tobin taking an interest in guys again.

“Dude I never thought my mom would fall for it but she did. You should’ve seen her face when I introduced Oscar to her the other day at the softball game. She shit a solid gold brick!” Tobin and Pinoe laughed heartily.

“See dude you really should listen to me more.” Pinoe said clapping Tobin on the back roughly causing the skinny teenager to wince in pain as she always did when Pinoe abused her lovingly.

“Uhh I wouldn’t go that far you little shit. How about I pick and choose what advice to take.”

“Whatever, you know I’m always right.”

“Oh really? Like when you stole that teacher’s shoe and stuck it in her muffler. You said she would never even realize it was missing!”

“Oh come on she deserved it! She was a bitch!”

“Or all those times that you swore the cops wouldn’t raid our parties? Fucking mid keg stand running from the cops in the sand dunes at the beach!” Tobin was crying from laughter now.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This feels great. Laughing till I cry instead of crying until I’m drowning.)

“Ok ok asshole lighten up. I have my genius moments. So is he driving you to your league game tonight?”

“Yea. I wish you and Ash and Lauren were playing on this team.”

“Hey we are barely able to make soccer and softball work just for school. Give us a break dude!”

“I know asshole shutup.” Tobin laughed and gave Pinoe a hug.

****************************************************

“Hey thanks for bringing me and watching me play O.”

“Oh hey its no problem. It was a good game. Good homer. You’re pretty fast but I think I could still take you.”

“Be careful there guy. You might hurt yourself.”

“Ok champ. Hey I’m just gonna grab my stuff. You can go put your stuff up in my car. The door is unlocked.”

“Ok thanks. I’ll meet you there.”

Tobin walked behind the softball field where the cars were parked and made her way to Oscar’s green sedan. She placed her bat bag in the back seat and sat in the passenger seat with the door open. She was changing her shoes when she heard it.

“HEY TOBIN!”

Tobin looked up to find 6 girls standing about 12 yards from the car. Tobin recognized none of them except for one. Alex’s friend Yvonne was the one that was calling Tobin over. Tobin was a little confused but she got up willingly to greet Yvonne.

Tobin walked over to the group of girls with her hand outstretched to Yvonne so she could shake it.

“Hey Yvonne how’s it going? It’s been a while.” Tobin said with a friendly smile. Her hand was never taken. All at once Tobin knew what this really was. Tobin felt like she was being watched. She looked to her right and found Alex watching the interaction as she leaned against a car with her arms crossed.

Tobin took a few steps back from the group of girls. All 6 at least a foot taller and much older than her. “So I heard you like to fuck with people’s lives. I heard that when a girl doesn’t want you, you go psycho and do dumb shit. I know you may be a little fucked up in the head so let me make it clear for you. You should’ve never fucked with Marta.”

Tobin’s heart began to race as she began to realize how serious this situation was. She was alone. There was no Sue to run to her rescue. There were no friends to come to her aid. There was no other soul out in the parking area except for her, these six 20 somethings and Alex who stood by supervising.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is my last chance….)

Tobin turned to Alex with a questioning look. That look projected all the confusion and disbelief that Tobin was feeling at the moment. Tobin waited for Alex to step in in her defense.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Come on Alex…you can’t be serious….Alex?)

“Yea take a long look at her psycho because you’ll never have her again.” Yvonne said causing the group of girls to laugh.

Alex stood emotionless and kept her position leaning up against the car.

There was no where Tobin could run to if she could even outrun the six of them. There was no way out. Tobin stood up tall and widened her stance. If she was going down at least she would get a few good hits off before they rushed her and pounded her into the ground like a pike.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Only one way this can end. I’m going to the hospital tonight…if I’m lucky. How does that song go again? Love hurts?)


	18. A Letter

_“How stupid could I be? A simpleton could see that you’re no good for me. But you’re the only one I see._

_Love has made me a fool. Set me on fire and watched as I floundered. Unable to speak except to cry out and wait for your answer.” –Sarah McLachlan_

_************************************************_

_*FLASHBACK*_

_“Toby…hold me…I’m cold.”_

_“Well come here then and stop squirming, love. You’re horrible at the little spoon! Ow…ow ok you’re not horrible. Stop pinching me.”_

_“Baby?”_

_“Yea Lex…what’s on your mind?”_

_“You ever been in a fight?”_

_“Well…yea. When I was little, I had to get in a few playground fights with boys before they knew to leave me alone.”_

_"Wow boys huh? They were really stupid at that age huh? Hitting you or pulling you're hair because 'they liked you.' Not that they aren't fucking stupid at our age also."_

_"Ha yes, I agree. I never fought unless someone messed with me.”_

_“Baby, no one will ever mess with you again. I won’t let them. They will have to come through me to get to you.”_

_“You don’t have to baby, I can handle things. You don’t have to worry about me.”_

_“I know you can handle yourself but I would still be there making sure no one even thinks of putting their hands on you. I love you…so much.”_

_“I love you too baby.”_

_“NO! Don’t do that Toby! Don’t tell me you love me just to respond to my “I love you.” You have to be creative now cuz I beat you to the punch.”_

_“Ok love…ok just stop pinching me. I’m gonna have bruises all over my arms!”_

_“. . . . . . .”_

_“Alex....I'm not sure what I'd do if you ever decided you didn't want to be with me anymore. I don't know much about anything but I know that no one is going to be able to make me feel the way you make me feel."_

_"Well then....I guess you're stuck with me. Kind of like a parasite."_

_"Yea Or maybe...kinda like my wife."_

_"Maybe Toby. I'll seriously consider that title if you kiss me now and make me feel how much you want me to be your wife."_

_"Deal Lex. You got a Deal."_

_*************************************************************_

The flash back was reverberating through Tobin’s ears and echoing through her brain. Her pulse began jumping erratically high in her neck. A sheen of cold sweat began to break out on her forehead. A strong copper taste slowly filled her mouth from how hard she was biting the inside of her cheek.

Tobin breaks eye contact from the leader of the pack and spits blood out off to the side. When she looks up again there’s a sneer on her face but she’s not surprised to see that the pack of goons is still assembled and holding their position.

Tobin looks to her right again and locks eyes with Alex.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is fucking bullshit. If you’re gonna do it just do it. Put me in the hospital I’m tired of fucking waiting and I’m tired of the bullshit. If this is what I get for being decent then fuck it. I’m done.)

Tobin looks deep into the eyes that used to bring her so much joy, comfort and a feeling of complete safety and she finds nothing. Nothing but cold, hard emptiness. Then Tobin hears someone scoff loudly. She looks around for the person who has broken the silence until she realizes that the noise had come out of her own throat. The scoff turns into a small bitter laugh. Bitterness and anger finally make their way through.

“Six on one, huh? Those are great odds for you guys. I only weigh about a buck 0 five. You really didn’t have to go through all that trouble. I feel really special. I see Marta is too much of a coward to clean up her own mess.”

Tobin speaks in an amusing tone that is bouncy and almost jovial. All the over compensation in order to hide the shakiness deep down in her vocals. But this is how Tobin always handled extreme nervousness and anxiety. She spoke without thinking which usually meant that she was speaking straight from the heart. All emotion, all heart, all balls, no brain.

“Look, I didn’t do shit to her fucking disk. My life doesn’t revolve around Marta and her fucking high school career but you know what? As fucked up as it is….maybe it happened because she’s such a low down dirty, backstabbing bitch. If I could take credit for what happened I would. But I have a lot more class than anyone here and I don’t need to fuck someone’s life up to make someone else realize….” Tobin looked at Alex for a second making sure she saw the dead serious look in her eyes.

“That she made a big fucking mistake and she deserves better. Sorry, I have better things to do with my time. So if you’re gonna beat the shit out of me and put me in the hospital just do it already cuz I’m tired of this shit.”

Tobin’s breath was coming out in near gasps. The adrenaline was thrumming through her body like a base drum with every beat of her heart. Her fists clenched at her sides.

Then, out of no where…..

“Hey Tobs, you ready to go?”

Oscar.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oscar and his fucking timing. This fucking guy has no clue what he just walked up on.)

“Hey Tobs, you got your stuff? Let’s jet. Your mom is gonna kill me if I get you home a minute after 9.”

Oscar stood in front of Tobin, unknowingly blocking any advance any of the women might make.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Guys are so fucking clueless.)

“O, you could take me home at 1 am knocked up and my mom would probably shake your hand and welcome you to the family.”

Oscar’s face twisted in confusion. “Whaa?”

“Nothing dude, let’s go.” Tobin replied laughing nervously as she looked over Oscars shoulder at the six women that appeared to have lost all their vibrato in the past 30 seconds.

Oscar saw that Tobin was looking behind him and he turned around noticing the six women for the first time.

“Hey, I’m sorry are these your friends?” Oscar asked turning back and addressing Tobin.

“Nah, they’re nobody. Let’s take off man. You owe me a few donuts in the open field and a drag race.”

“Sounds great! Let’s go!” Oscar replied excitedly.

*************************************

The cool air from the open car window was hitting Tobin in the face with force but she wasn’t noticing. Her thoughts were racing a million miles a minute.

(Tobin’s brain notes: How did I get here? How did I go from having the girl of my dreams to this fucking nightmare? She was standing by waiting for them to hurt me. Alex, a girl that I have loved for so long, wants me hurt. I think I’ve wandered into an alternate universe. Or maybe, I’m just in hell.)

“Hey what’s going on with you? Is everything ok?” Oscar asked suddenly breaking Tobin out of her mild state of shock.

“Yea man, I’m cool. Just have a lot on my mind. School work and shit ya know?”

“Yea, I know what you mean. Well we’re almost at your house. Hey….can I ask you something Tobin?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: He’s gonna ask me if I like girls. I have to decide very fast if I’m gonna tell him the truth or not.)

“Uh…yea sure. Ask away.”

“Can I take you out on a date next Friday? I know you aren’t allowed to date but we can just go as friends. You’re different from other girls Tobin. I feel like I really connect with you.”

Tobin had to bite her tongue as the sudden urge to laugh bubbled up in her throat and stomach.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Of course we have a connection bro. I like girls too!)

“Sure O, we can hang out but I’m not thinking about dating anyone right now. I’m just not ready.”

“I understand.” Oscar replied deflated.

“Hey O, you’re cool and I like to hang out. I don’t want to complicate that.”

“It’s cool. We’re good. I understand.”

Tobin and Oscar arrived at the Heath household a whole 30 minutes ahead of schedule. Oscar seemed pleased with himself and exited the car to walk Tobin to her door. But Tobin wasn’t having any of that. She knew that if Oscar would escort her to the front door that her mother would answer and they would get to talking again. Cindy would find any excuse to get Oscar to come in and then she would have to hang out with him some more.

Tobin had two things on her mind. A shower and a long crying session in bed until she went to sleep. The last thing she needed was to have to entertain a guy and her over excited mother for another hour.

“Hey, thanks Oscar. You’re sweet but I got it from here. Wouldn’t want my Dad to come to the door and give you the third degree. He’s definitely home from work right now.”

At the word “Dad,” Oscar was visibly knocked down a few pegs as he shrunk back into the driver’s seat.

(Tobin’ brain notes: Thanks for saving my ass buddy but I can’t entertain anyone right now.)

Tobin waved at Oscar as she unlocked the front door and entered. Cindy was standing by the window watching the whole interaction.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Of course she’d be doing that.)

“Why didn’t you let him walk you to the door Tobin?!” Cindy’s voice was desperate and shrill.

“Because I knew you were watching. Not cool mom.” Tobin said as she made her way to her room to put her equipment away.

Cindy followed close behind.

“You haven’t stopped seeing this girl have you? I know you’ve been around her. People at school have been telling me that she’s always there Tobin. I thought you had stopped being selfish already and then I hear these things. It’s so…”

“Disgusting yea I know. But if you’re gonna yell just stop right now. I’m not seeing her anymore. Congratulations. You won Mom. I hope you’re happy, because I’m not. While you’re upstairs sound asleep I’m down here crying myself to sleep. I know none of this matters to you because the only thing you probably heard out of this whole conversation is that I’m not seeing her anymore. Whatever, I’m getting in the shower. I don’t want to discuss this anymore.”

Cindy was speechless. Rejoicing on the inside and also twisted with guilt, joy, confusion and relief. The information sunk in as Cindy slowly made her way upstairs to her bedroom.

Tobin felt alone the most during these hours. Hours away from her friends. Because at this point, her friends were the only people that really had her back. They were the only people that didn’t expect anything from her. They were the only souls that just loved her for who she was. She had no support system at home, Alex hated her and now she was having to watch her back every time she stepped out.

Tobin always had someone to talk to and now she was alone with nothing to accompany her but the ticking of the clock and solitary confinement.

************************************************

THE LETTER

The letter was something Tobin constructed as a final straw. Not to get Alex back or even to apologize. She just wanted to have her say without seeing that look of hate, disbelief or pity on Alex’s face. And Tobin had always been better with words whenever she touched pen to paper.

This letter was to be the last correspondence Tobin would have with Alex. There was really no other way to go about it since Tobin was never able to see Alex anyway and due to current events, the possibility of having a heart to heart with her first love was slim to none.

Tobin had spent countless hours going over and over all the possibilities in her head. She had already come to terms with being Alex’s enemy and that was something she couldn’t help any more than she could help the fact that Alex no longer loved her.

You can’t force a living being to love you and why would you want to? To have someone walking beside you as a constant companion. Not out of true love, adoration, infatuation or even obsession but by pure force. An act that is completely out of their control not because they can’t help but love you but because they can’t break loose from the iron grip you have on them.

And Tobin was anything but aggressively forceful. She had never so much as voiced a threat toward Alex in all the years she had known her. Tobin may be broken but she still loved herself enough to know that she was too good to grovel at Alex’s feet. She had suffered enough embarrassment. No, this would be the end. The painful end and Tobin had tried her hardest to prepare for it not even realizing that it had been over long before she considered it over.

Tobin took her time writing the letter. There was no rush after all. Time didn’t matter in this situation. Alex would continue to date Marta and things would continue on like this because there was no reason for things to change.

The school year soon ended and Tobin still hadn’t finished the letter. Marta didn’t walk the stage with her graduating class and had to attend summer school. Tobin kept her head down and concentrated only on what she had to do. She noticed groups of girls eyeing her after games and waiting to get her alone but Tobin made sure to have her friends with her as much as possible to avoid getting seriously injured. She was also very careful not to reveal what she was avoiding to prevent the entire softball and soccer teams from getting suspended. They probably wouldn’t even have a season.

The one sentence that Tobin had written to start the letter stood lonely for another month before Tobin sat down to write again. One rainy day in late June, she sat by the window in her room and took out her notebook with the first line of the letter. She watched the rain fall on her window pane. Small liquid bombs streaking down the glass like the last live sparks of an RPG falling from the sky and onto an unsuspecting target.

Tobin felt like that unsuspecting target and every drop that fell was like a bomb dropping on her heart.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Alex would be an excellent infantryman. Specializing in counter terrorism and blowing shit up.)

The betrayal. The emptiness. The loss. Tobin was on the receiving end of this treatment when she did nothing wrong. She let all the anger and sadness and pain and undying love flow out of her and onto the paper. As she wrote, she kept reminding herself that this was not an apology. There was nothing to apologize for. And a wise man once told her to never eat shit because once you started eating shit, there was a good chance that you wouldn’t be able to stop.

******************************************************************

_Alexandra_

_I really don’t know how to start a letter like this so I guess I’ll just get right into it._

_We’ve known each other for so long and I keep asking myself how we got here. How we went from being so close and then in love to real enemies. Well at least I can say I was in love with you (still am). After reading the letter I found that Marta wrote you, I think the love was one sided. I really don’t know what you two discussed about me. I would like to think you could tell me these things to my face if our relationship really didn’t count to you. I didn’t fall in love with you over the span of two months. I fell in love with you that first day you introduced yourself. I knew it the moment I felt my heart drop into my stomach when I heard your voice. I know I wasn’t your first girlfriend and I know that first loves are intense so forgive me if I loved you a little too much. Trust me, if I could help it I would._

_When it comes to the disk there’s not much I can tell you about it. I know only as much as anyone else knows about it. Knowing me as well as you do, you should know that I’m not capable, (heart &mind) of sabotaging someone’s life like that. No matter what they’ve done to me. I can’t make you love me Alex, so why would I try to punish someone because you would rather be with them and not me? That’s the first point. You should know that I would never stoop to that level. Doing something as low down as that would make me no better than your girlfriend. I may not know much besides the fact that I love you but I do know that I am a better person than that._

_If you would have looked at this situation logically instead of letting your temper get the best of you, you would have been able to come to the same conclusion I did. Even if I knew the disk had all that material on it (which I didn’t) why would I even erase it? How would I even know Marta needed it to graduate? You’re her girlfriend and you didn’t even know what was going on with her graduation credits or the disk until she told you. So how could I possibly know?_

_I never even put the disk into a computer. I had it in my hand for no more than 5 minutes altogether. 3 of those minutes when I threw it at Marta and you witnessed that. To be honest, I didn’t want to even see what else was on there. That’s why I had Ash try to look at it for me. The disk was corrupt Alex. It was no one’s fault. It was just a run of bad luck._

_I’m not writing this to apologize because there is nothing to apologize for. I’m writing so that you can know my side of the story if you even care anymore. For some reason I still care what you think. This has nothing to do with your girlfriend._

_I just want to tell you how much I’m going to miss you. How I miss you already. How I pine for_ _you constantly and painfully and I’m not ashamed of loving you even if it means that the whole school (including your girlfriend) will call me a psycho for doing it. You will always be my one true thing. I don’t even care if you believe any of this. At least I can walk away from all of this knowing that I said my piece and I told the whole truth._

_I never thought I’d see the day where you would stand by while 6 girls pummeled me. This didn’t end up happening and I was lucky, but it would’ve. Maybe this is what hurts me the most. I feel like I don’t know you anymore Alex but I know I still love you. I know I would never let anyone hurt you no matter how bad you treated me or what you did to me…to us. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like a part of me has died. I loved you Alex. I LOVE you. The real you. Because I saw you Alex. I really saw you. Before all the “Alex Morgan is the next Mia Hamm or Abby Wambach" hype. Before you became the biggest soccer star our town has ever seen. Before you became the one girl every girl was after. I really saw the beauty and it’s still there but for some reason you’ve decided to hide it. You’ve decided to let go of who you really are for someone that doesn’t deserve you._

_I hate to say any kind of good bye in a letter but I have no other choice do I? We never had a real chance to have a healthy relationship and right now it seems like we never will. When you said you couldn’t see a future with me anymore it killed me especially since I did nothing wrong and there’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise. Before you said that I didn’t even know you still felt that way about me._

_I guess we will never have our time but I was glad to know you even if it was only for a few years. And if I really had your love, I was so lucky to have experienced that as well. If your love wasn’t real and it felt like my whole universe was on fire, I can’t even imagine how it feels to truly be loved by you. Marta is a very lucky girl._

_I will never stop loving you. I wish things could’ve been different. Where ever life may take us just know that my love for you was always true. I would never hurt you._

_-T_

_ps. I saw you. I really saw you. I always will._

Tobin ended the letter signed it and put it in an envelope. No return address. Alex hated her and she wanted to avoid the letter being torn up before it even got opened. Except for proof reading, Tobin didn’t change a thing. She wanted to write it and send it off into the world so that she could try to move on with the half-life she felt like she was living.

The summer was passing her by. It felt like one long lazy day that just never ended and Tobin’s pain just grew.

She preoccupied herself with softball summer league and played some 5 v 5 with her friends at a local park. She tried to fill her day with mundane activities so she didn’t have to think about anything else but it never worked.

“Hey dude we’re gonna be juniors already. Damn shit is going by so fast.” Ashlyn said one day as her, Tobin, Ali, Pinoe, Hope and Kelley were hanging out in the park.

“Yea, time flies when you’re having…..oh wait….isn’t high school supposed to be the best four years of your life or some shit? Isn’t that what they pitch during freshman orientation?”

“Maybe for college but….wait….”

“Uhhhhh, Ash don’t talk to her when she’s being an ass. Dude, one day you’re gonna regret wasting all this fucking time being sad in high school.”

“Well thanks for the advice Mother Megan! If you knew what real love felt like then you’d know how I feel.”

“Tobin, hun it’s been 4 months. I know she’s your first love but you need to move on. At least try to.” Ali said rubbing the back of Tobin’s neck lovingly.

“Yea dude. The hottest girl here is feeling on you so buck up.” Ashlyn said bitterly.

“Don’t listen to her Tobin. She’s just mad because she’s not getting any.” Ali declared loudly shooting a discontented look at Ashlyn.

Tobin was a little off but she started to see some very unusual things. Her friends were crazy about each other. Hope and Kelley never left each other’s side. Said couple was currently engaged in a cute little make out session that was more bites and playful licks than actual tongue action. Blocking out the world around them as usual.

Ali and Ashlyn were usually engaged in a similar type of activity but Tobin sensed a tension that she was not comfortable with at all. Her love might be lost but she had always looked at her two best friends for comfort. They always reminded Tobin that true love really does exist.

But now it was Ali shooting Ashlyn a pointed look and Ashlyn receiving it with a scoff and it usually ended with an annoyed glare from Ashlyn that was directed at….Pinoe?

Tobin began to realize that she had seen this particular interaction more than once during the time they were hanging out that day and even before school let out.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What the hell is going on with these three? They couldn’t have….NO No no? That would never happen right?)

“What the hell is the matter with you three idiots? You’re supposed to be cheering me up you little blonde q tip and you two are supposed to show me that love conquers all. What the fuck!” Tobin said throwing her hands up in the air and looking back and forth between the three of them.

Ali shook her head at Ashlyn and scoffed as she walked off behind the small bleachers next to the soccer field. Ashlyn scrambled after her.

“Hey guys you wanna come over to my baby’s house and have game night? I feel like kicking all you’re asses tonight.” Kelley said pulling along a smiling Hope Solo. The sight was endearing. It was like watching a squirrel drag an acorn behind it that was twice its size.

“Uh I can’t go. I’m on permanent lock down. And hanging out with a bunch of lesbians is kind of against the rules in my house.” Tobin said laughing off her frustration.

“Shut up Tobin, you’re coming. And you better go fix whatever the fuck needs to be fixed over there behind the bleachers before we go to the Solo house. I don’t want a pouting couple there ruining the mood.” Kelley said turning to Pinoe who was deep in thought.

“Dude seriously, what’s going on with you three? And you are never like this. Irritated one second and happy as fuck the next….wait….oh shit.” Tobin’s eyes widened comically.

“Wait, wait….Fuck…you’re in love. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! MEGAN RAPINOE HAS FINALLY BEEN HOOKED!” Kelley yelled out to the open field creating an echo.

“Will you fucking keep it down?”

“Why do you want her to shut up? It’s not like anyone is here you spaz.”

“Who cares about how loud I’m being. I wanna know who it is!” Kelley squealed. Hope stood by calmly wearing a very amused little smirk on her face.

“Baby….make her tell me. Please. I want to know what babe finally locked her down.” Kelley told her girlfriend. Hope looked down at her girlfriend adoringly.

“Kell, Pinoe isn’t in love. She’s just on her period or something. That’s why she’s so irritated.” Hope replied nonchalantly.

“Now come on the three of you and let’s get to my house. The sooner we go the more we can do. I know Tobin can’t stay long, right Tobs?”

Tobin’s wide smile slowly disappeared.

“NO…dude I’m sorry to remind you I just want you to hang out as long as you can!”

“For fucks sake Hope. Thanks for ruining the only smile I’ve seen from her all day!” Pinoe whined.

“Come on Tobs. Let’s just go ok dude? We’ll have a good time. Pinoe go get your fucking friends like my girl told you and let’s get the fuck out of here!”

*******************************

“Circle! Circle….cup? Cup upside down!”

“Shhhh, baby. Guess quietly or you’ll give these cheaters a clue!”

“Pffftttt! Kelley is such a spaz she can’t get shit right anyway. I’m not even listening to her!” Pinoe yells loudly to the couple who is sitting opposite her and Tobin on the couch.

Pictionary was one of their favorite games but the competition got so fierce sometimes when Alex was involved that they had to suspend playing it for a while.

Just another reason for Tobin to remember all the great times she had before things got so twisted.

Ashlyn and Ali lay cuddled up on the other couch watching and laughing. Their spat long since forgotten.

“Hey dude, we have to win this one. We are getting our asses beat.” Pinoe whispered to Tobin after getting rid of the confident tone she had just used to heckle Kelley and Hope.

“Dude just pay attention and you’ll get it!” Tobin mumbled out trying to concentrate. Not only was Pinoe impatient but off the pitch, she and Tobin had no chemistry to be partners on game night. One half of Tobin was missing.

“Ha….Hat? Hat! Hat! Write it down!” Kelley screamed excitedly as she jumped up and down in her seat. Hope complied with a huge grin and shook her head at her adorable girlfriend.

Tobin knew Pinoe heard Kelley yell hat so she began to draw the only thing she knew Pinoe would understand. The soccer field. Tobin had just got done with the goal and the box when Pinoe shouted the answer.

“HAT TRICK! HAT TRICK BITCHES! WE WIN! WE FUCKING WIN!”

Pinoe bellowed as Tobin wrote down the words in the two open spaces she had drawn in the beginning of the match to indicate the two word idiom.

“No fucking way! You fucking cheaters!” Kelley was clearly outraged.

Hope laughed heartily and capped her dry erase marker. She turned her small board around to show everyone what she was drawing. A top hat. Hope had gone the non-soccer term way.

Tobin turned her board around revealing the box and goal.

“Baby I told you to keep your voice down. Tobin improvised. It was a fair win. Come here and let me take care of that pout. We’ll get them next time.” Hope said grabbing a pouting Kelley by the waist and plopping her down on her lap. A few kisses later and the small freckled defender had forgotten all about the loss.

Ashlyn and Ali took over the board and Tobin drew her card. Kelley took hold of the timer as Hope stood up to answer the phone which had just begun to ring.

The idiom Tobin drew was “You are what you eat.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Great. Five words and I don’t know how to draw this with a PG rating. I mean look who my partner is!)

Tobin passed the card to Ashlyn who was drawing for her team and Ashlyn immediately started laughing.

“Tobs this is fucking classic. You WOULD pick that shit!”

“Shut up Ash and get your marker ready.” Tobin said trying to suppress her grin.

Kelley picked up the timer and looked back and forth between Ashlyn and Tobin.

“You ready…..go!”

Tobin scrambled to draw 5 blanks at the bottom of her board first.

“Ok…wow five fucking words. Its ok, we can do this Tobs. Two for two.” Pinoe said with determination.

“HEY! Hey guys time out!” Hope yelled interrupting the game.

Tobin and Ashlyn reluctantly stopped after a few more seconds of finishing whatever doodle they had already started.

They all looked at Hope wondering what was going on.

“Tobs, someone’s on the phone for you.” Hope said holding the phone out to Tobin with a solemn look on her face.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh no…it’s my mom. She knows I’m here. I’m in deep shit. It’s still so early in the day! How the fuck did she find me!)

“Who is it?” Tobin whispered desperately hoping that it was anyone but her mother.

“Just take it dude. Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.” Hope said as she shook the phone in her hand willing Tobin to answer it.

Tobin stood from her position on the couch and slowly walked over to Hope. She was curious and scared but when Hope said she wasn’t in trouble she believed her.

Tobin finally grasped the phone and put it to her ear.

“H…Hello?” Tobin almost whispered.

“Toby…baby. I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much!”

“Alex?!” Tobin gasped.

“Yes Tobin it’s me. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I hurt you so bad and I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Wait wait….Alex…please don’t cry. I hate to hear you cry. Just take a deep breath. Please calm down.” At the sound of Alex practically sobbing on the other end of the line, Tobin began to feel the lump develop in her throat.

The room fell silent and all eyes were on Tobin. Tobin looked up into Hope’s eyes searching for an explanation. Hope’s response was a shoulder shrug.

“Alex. Where are you? Are you ok?” Tobin said in a quivering voice. She began to nervously pace back and forth.

“Tobin! Are you hearing anything I’m telling you? I’m fine! Who cares! I want you to know how sorry I am. I got your letter. I never wanted things to be like this.”

“Ok, ok Alex. It’s ok. I’m glad you got the letter. I didn’t think you would ever speak to me again. I never thought I’d be having this conversation.”

The flood gates had opened. The tears of both teenagers flowing freely. Hundreds of miles of phone cable separating them but they could still feel the emotion every tear drop was expressing. Pain, frustration, loss, love.

“I hear you baby. I heard you. Do you believe me? Do you believe that I would never do something like that?” Tobin pleaded.

“Yes I do believe you. I’m sorry. You’re right. I should’ve known from the beginning. I miss you so much. I miss you baby.”

Tobin had taken a seat at Hope’s dining room table and cradled her head in one hand as her body shook with silent sobs. She couldn’t keep her emotions at bay anymore. She didn’t want Alex to be concerned so she tried her hardest to swallow her sobs as she put her hand over the receiver.

“I miss you baby…Alex…I love you. I’ve always loved you. I could never lie to you.” Tobin whispered through her tears.

“I know baby. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I can’t make up for everything but just know that I’ve never stopped loving you. I never meant to hurt you. I still see a future with you. If I could have you…if you could really be my girlfriend without having to hide it from your mother…I would be with you. You have to understand that. I need for you to understand that no matter who I’m with or what I’m doing that my heart will always belong to you. Do you believe me?”

“I want to Alex. I really do. It’s so great to hear you say that but after everything that happened it’s gonna take me some time to open up again. I mean, you wanted to hurt me. Like really hurt me! I would’ve easily gone to the hospital that night. Do you realize that?”

Alex bit her fist to keep from sobbing out loud on her end of the line.

“Yes baby…I’m so sorry.” Alex whispered.

“I love you baby. I don’t want to dwell on this anymore. I just want to forget it ever happened. I know you are with someone else and I respect your relationship even if she doesn’t deserve you. I just have to know one thing.”

“Ok.”

“Did our relationship really not count to you? Was it just a joke?” Tobin asked through clenched teeth. She was terrified of the answer but she needed to know.

“It was real Tobin. It was real to you and it was real to me. I know what you read in that letter and I never told her that. I told her that our relationship only lasted a couple of months and she was the one that said it wasn’t real. But you’re right. You and I were in love way before we hit high school. You are special to me. You are my first Tobin. You will always have my heart.”

Tobin listened to every word letting it hit her like waves lapping up on the shore of the Pacific. Cool and calming.

“You will always have mine Alex. Always. I’ll always see you.” Tobin said clenching the phone tightly to her ear to hear every word of Alex’s response.

“Toby…I want to see you. I know you can’t just see me whenever you want but whenever you’re able to get away…I need to see you. I need you.” Alex’s voice came through loud and clear. Pleading, shaky and full of emotion.

Tobin closed her eyes against the flowing current that was washing over her body at the sound of those words. She took a deep breath in through her nose and slowly let it out of her mouth. For the first time in months she let a real smile curve her lips before she spoke.

“Ok Alex."


	19. The Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the reason this fic is at a MATURE rating. Just forewarning. If you don't want to read it then don't. Thanks for reading so far.

"Wait wait! Before anyone says anything, I want to just have a small private conversation with my friend and then I will fill you all in after. If there is something that I can't answer after then Tobin can do a Q&A if she's up for it. But don't bombard her. Shes not doing a press conference."

Tobin was confused for a few reasons. Kelley was never really serious about anything and her tone alone was making Tobin a little anxious. She felt the heat of a interrogation coming on and she wasn't sure she wanted to be present for it. Tobin didn't know why out of all her friends Kelley, was the one to speak first and actually talk some sense into the rest of the group. But she figured it was better than a group of interrogators anyway so she shrugged her shoulders and followed Kelley out to the Solo backyard.

Tobin sat on the nearest lawn chair in the gazebo and waited for Kelley to begin her line of questioning.

They discussed what was said on the phone and how it made Tobin feel. They discussed what she planned to do in the future with this new situation and throughout the whole interview Kelley remained patient and attentive and did not contribute any comments.

When Kelley felt satisfied that she asked all the right questions they sat in silence for a while letting the information sink in. Kelley stared blankly at the squirrel feeders Hope had hung at the beginning of summer and made a mental note to refill them with feed.

Then she turned and observed her friends body language and expression. 

"Tob...so now that I know what the other side of the conversation sounded like I just want to be sure you know what you're doing." Kelleys voice was soft and kind as she fixed her questioning gaze on Tobin.

Tobin looked up at her friend across from her. Kelleys eyes were sparkling like emeralds in the setting sun. 

"Geez Kell...I hate you're Irish genes."

"Huh...OK Heath I see you're already avoiding the question by insulting me. You've never even met my genes, how could you hate them?" Kelley delivered seriously but her eyes sparkled on with good humor.

"I'm not avoiding it Kell really. I just looked up to answer you and your damNed hazEl eyes were mocking my boring and plain brown ones." Tobin replied with a laugh.

"But seriously I don't know what I'm gonna do. I want to just pretend it didn't happen."

Kelley sighed and fixed her face with a small sad smile.

"That won't change anything. Pretending it didn't happen is OK when you're ready to move forward. You're not ready yet Tobin. What Alex did....well it'd be unforgivable for anyone. And I know you're in love with her but I care about you and I don't want her to turn around and discard you again once she gets what she wants."

"What do u think she wants Kell?" Tobin inquired seriously.

"She wants your undivided attention. She craves it. She craves the way it makes her feel about herself. Love is about wanting to give your significant other all of yourself without expecting anything in return. Giving it all just for the sake of giving. That's unconditional. That's real."

"Alex is so stunning that people have the wrong impression of her. A girl like that should have confidence borderlining cockiness right? Well she doesnt. That's why she couldn't even be alone for two weeks Tobin. That's why she does things without thinking. She rides on what makes her feel good and unfortunately that also includes allowing her ill aimed anger to control her actions too. Like standing by and possibly watching 6 goons tear you apart. All of it. Marta and Martas older circle of friends and the drama and the intensity of your love for her. All of that. She wants all of that because she's right in the center of it. It's all about her. Does she love you? I think she does but NOT the way you love her."

"Tobin, you gave in so easily back there. I've known Alex for so long and right now I don't think I can even be on speaking terms with her! She showed us all what she really is."

"This is your first love and I understand. Believe me....I do. So I get that you want to focus on her apology and the sincerity behind her crying but she will hurt you again Tobin. I know you don't want to hear this but you're my only concern right now. I love you Tobin and if I'm wrong I apologize. But unfortunately I'm right. Do you want to know why I'm so sure I'm right?"

Tobin turned her downcast eyes up toward her friend and nodded as the thick hot tears at the brim of her eyelids blazed trails down her cheeks.

Kelley took a minute to swallow the large lump that appeared in her throat rather quickly when she saw the look on her friends face.

She walked over and moved another lawn chair next to her friend so she could sit. She took Tobin hands and lightly held them between her own taking a deep breath and looking down at the contrast of her freckled skin against Tobins deep smooth tan.

Kelley tried to speak but her voice cracked so she cleared her throat and took another breath. She had her emotions in check until she looked into Tobins eyes. The sorrow there was so raw it made her wonder if she would look that empty if Hope was playing the same cruel mind games with her and that thought is what made Kelley lose a little bit more of that strong grip she had on her emotions.

Kelley began again and although her voice was shaky she fought through it and spoke anyway. Tobin pulled her friends hands toward her own body and embraced her as she spoke.

(Kelleys brain notes: omg hurting the sweetest and cutest friend I know has to be as bad as kicking a puppy. She doesn't deserve this. I'm here to comfort her and she's worried about comforting me.)

"Tobin, a person that has narssacistic tendencies that are so bad that they would watch a person they love beaten half to death has issues deeper than we may ever understand. Alex has a future in professional soccer and being the face of women's soccer is going to open a whole new bag of problems. She will hurt you again Tobin because she is incapable of stopping her destructive behavior. That lust for attention will blind her and she is just plain dangerous at this point. We are all worried about you love. Just please be careful."

Tobin held her friend out at arms length to look at her.

"I get it Kell. Everything you're telling me I know but I guess I'm just as destructive because I can't help being in love with her so I'm destroying myself."

"I can't even sit here and tell you that I actually forgave her today! I don't even know what I did but I know that I felt pure happiness just to hear her voice again!"

Kelley shook her head sadly. "You just basically skipped right over all of that because she was so apologetic and you avoided the whole issue. The real issue. And of course she just let you do it."

Tobin now took a turn looking down at her friends small hands in her own and thought of how best to put what she was feeling into words.

"I guess I feel almost like I have to prove my love. Like even after she hurt me all she had to say was that she was sorry and call herself stupid and I would follow her to the ends of the earth. What's wrong with me?"

"It's almost as if I have to prove to her that I can make this work even if my mother has turned into a dictator. That's the only reason this all happened. And when I think of that I get so frustrated I just want to punch a wall. All because my own flesh and blood refused to accept the one thing in my life that I just can't control."

"And Alex tells me she feels with all her heart that we were meant to be and we will be together again in the future but I can't live like that. I live for now. I could walk home today and be hit by a car and I would've never known how it felt to live everyday waking up next to the love of my life."

***********************************************

“Hey Jay, stop right here so I can use this pay phone real quick.” Tobin said as she zipped up her hoodie and pulled the hood over her head.

“Babe, it’s fucking cold outside. Are you sure there’s not a pay phone inside the store?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Sounds so weird when he calls me that.)

Jay. Just another faceless guy in a small pool of suitors that were all part of Tobin’s woven tapestry of deceit.

“No there isn’t. I’ll be quick and then we can head out ok?”

“Whatever you say princess.” Jay responded with a small whimsical smirk.

He had it bad for Tobin and it was impossible for her to understand at the moment. Why did these guys always seem to get more attached the more she pulled away?

Tobin dismounted Jay’s silver pick up truck and quickly scrambled over to the pay phone as she deposited her coins and dialed a number she had memorized long ago. The only number that had ever brought her comfort.

Four rings and Tobin was about to hang up.

“HELLO! Hello, Hello.”

“Hey gorgeous. Its me.” Tobin smiled through the phone causing the teenager on the other end to smile as well.

“Tobin! Hey baby. Where are you? When can I see you? It’s already been like a month!”

“Hey calm down Lex. I’m right around the corner at the store. I didn’t want to just drop in without calling first.”

“Baby, it’s fucking cold outside. Are you outside right now?”

“Yea don’t worry about it. What’s wrong Lex? You sound really sad?”

“And you sound really cold Toby. Your teeth are chattering!”

(Tobin’s brain notes: No baby, that’s just your voice that’s causing that. Not the cold.)

Tobin’s smile was blinding as she turned her back to the truck. Tobin’s face and ears were glowing with the blush that Alex’s words were causing. Alex’s voice that had always seemed to melt her right down to the ground. She still had her. She still had her and Tobin was head over heels.

“I’m fine Alex stop avoiding my question. What’s going on? Is she mistreating you? Did she make you sad?”

“I don’t want to talk about it baby. I just want to see you ok? So stop wasting time at that phone and come put your arms around me.”

“Ok but I have to warn you. I have Jay with me. He’s my ride today.”

“Jay…Jay…which one is he again? You have Oscar at school and Aaron because he has a car and now this guy? Which one is he?”

“He’s the one that actually has the title…..”

Tobin held her breath. She knew that there was no way around her situation and sometimes there were certain things she had to put up with to keep up appearances. Being Jay’s girlfriend was one of those things. She had had this conversation with Alex before and Alex was in agreement but this was the first time she was breaking this news. The news of an actual relationship and an official title.

Tobin never planned this. The relationship developed naturally on its own and after weeks of pressure from both Cindy and Jay she just finally said yes. Jay had actually asked her mother permission like he was asking her to marry him. Tobin thought Jay was a complete idiot but in the end she knew that having a steady boyfriend that was not connected to anyone at school would benefit her more than any of the others. He was older and had his own vehicle so she knew that it would keep her off her mother’s radar and get her what she wanted when ever she wanted. Which was more time with Alex of course.

“You’re his girlfriend? Do you like….kiss him and shit?”

Tobin bit her lip and felt her heart plummet to the ground. This situation was delicate. Alex had a girlfriend. A serious girlfriend that she was practically living with but at least she wasn’t living a lie. And Tobin had no other choice but to be someone she wasn’t.

“Yes Alex. We do kiss on occasion. I am not having sex with him.”

“THAT’S NOT…..never mind Tobin….just, don’t do it in front of me, ok?” Alex voice was strained and shaky. Tobin knew that she was holding back an emotional avalanche.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Now she knows how I feel every time I think about her and Marta. But she doesn’t have to worry about losing me. This is all an act. She has a lot of nerve.)

“What do you care Alex? Every single fucking thing I do, including crushing these guys hearts, is for you. So that I can steal a few moments with you. You think I like being with these guys when I’d rather be with you? You think I like knowing that you’re with someone else when you should be with me?!”

Tobin’s voice was shrill and she regretted her tone as soon as the statement left her mouth. She covered the receiver, stepped back and slammed her fist into the side of the pay phone housing.

“FUCK!” Tobin’s fist automatically began to throb.

“I’m sorry baby. I love you and this situation fucking sucks.”

“Don’t apologize to me Tobin. I get it. Everything you said is true. I have no say in this. If this is all I have to put up with so that I can see you then I will. But don’t expect me to give you my blessing or anything.”

Tobin was certain that Alex was crying by now. She knew her inside and out and even when Alex tried her best to hide, she could never hide from Tobin.

“I’m still sorry for raising my voice baby. I’ll be over there as soon as I can.”

“Ok, Toby….but hey….just don’t kiss him in front of me ok?”

“Alex….Jesus…I’d never do that.”

“I love you Toby…so much.”

“I love you Alex. I’ll be there in 30 minutes ok?”

“Ok, please hurry.”

Tobin hung up the phone and took a minute to compose herself before she approached the truck again. She walked to the passenger door and knocked on the window so that Jay could roll it down.

“Hey my best friend is having a bad night. I’m gonna go in and buy her something real quick and then we can take it to her. You don’t mind driving me over there right?”

“Well no but…I thought you wanted to go to the beach and look at stars?”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Of course I do but with her not you. God forgive me, I’m really fucking with this guy’s head.)

“We’ll go to the beach, don’t worry. Even if it’s cold. I promise.” Tobin said breaking into a gorgeous smile.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I promise we will go to the beach….with Alex.)

“Ok, well I’ll be out here waiting for you.”

Tobin made her way inside and over to the cards. Sympathy, birthday, thank you…..love.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Which one of you is going to be the one.)

Tobin searched and searched and some cards came close to expressing how she felt but not exactly. In the end she chose a blank card. This move was pretty bold considering she was on a time limit but there was no other way and she would always go that extra mile for Alex. When it came to writing, Tobin had always been one to take her time, especially when it was real important. This time she would have to wing it.

Alex

This is just a little something to put a smile on your face. I hope I can manage that since your smile is one of the many reasons I fell in love with you. I don’t know what is making you sad. All I know is that I want to be the reason that you smile and I will always do everything and anything to be able to make that happen….for as long as you let me.

I’ll never be able to express how in love with you I am. I will never be able to give up on the possiblility that you could be mine again. I want you forever Alex. I will never stop loving you. if you ever give me a chance again I am never letting you go.

I will always, always be around to make you smile. Even if you can’t pick up the phone and call me whenever you want, just know that when you feel lonely, my heart is out there somewhere beating just for you. It always will. So hug me and hold me and tell me how you feel and I will give you my all…always. Smile for me baby.

Tobin purchased a single white rose to go with the card. She saw Jay give her a sideways glance when she got back into his truck but she ignored it. If he had questions he didn’t ask them. Tobin was ready for it though. Just the thought of her actions being questioned by anyone was already making her blood boil. She had had about enough of the situation.

“So, what’s your friends name?” Jay asked after he drove out of the parking lot of the store.

“Alexandra but I call her Alex. I’ve known her for a long time. I think she had a fight with her girlfriend.”

There was a slight pause in which Tobin could feel the tension build before Jay spoke again. She was ready for anything he might say.

“Her girlfriend? Like a girl that’s also her friend?” Jay asked stupidly trying to catch a glimpse of Tobin’s face and drive at the same time.

“Nope, her girlfriend. As in she’s dating that douche. You’re 20 Jay. You can’t tell me you’ve never heard of a lesbian.” Tobin fired back nonchalantly making Jay sound more sheltered than she had been her entire life.

“Well yea of course I’ve heard of lesbians I just didn’t know that you’re best friend was one.”

Tobin burst out laughing. This whole idea was hilarious considering she was always surrounded by lesbians and she was also one. The more she thought about it the funnier it got. She held her stomach and shook her head at the irony.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Hey Jay, I’m not a lesbian but my girlfriend is! This is fucking classic. It’s too much! What the fuck am I doing?!)

“I guess I should expect that since you don’t go to Kennedy with me. About 80% of my friends are lesbians. Is that gonna be a problem?”

Tobin spoke as she wiped a few tears from under her eyes. Tobin’s voice was questioning but more menacing than anything. She wasn’t really asking a question. She was challenging her “boyfriend” to say something negative so she could snap it off from the get go. When Jay visibly shrunk down into his seat she knew he had picked up on it and she decided that he was much smarter than she had originally concluded.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Poor guy. Fuck I hate doing this shit.)

“Nah…its cool. Just as long as they don’t try anything on my girl.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Never mind I take that back.)

Tobin’s fists clenched at her sides and she closed her eyes fighting the urge to tell Jay to stop driving and let her out. The only thought that kept her seated was the fact that he was her ticket to see Alex.

“Don’t be so ignorant Jay. Not every lesbian in the world is going to hit on me just because I’m a girl and they happen to like girls. Just as I’m sure not every gay guy hits on you.” Tobin reasoned trying to keep her voice calm.

“A gay guy hit on me once. I didn’t mind at first but the more I thought about it the more it pissed me off and I wanted to beat the shit out of him.” Jays voice grew soft and he faded into a pensive state.

Tobin continued to cringe and her fingernails began to dig into her palms.

“So you beat the shit out of him?” Tobin asked not being able to hide her disgust.

“NO! But I thought about it.” Jay answered as if the bigotrous thought was much less offensive because he didn’t act on it.

“Fuck Jay….I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I had no idea you were homophobic AND ignorant! What a great combination!”

Tobin was seething and every word out of her mouth was delivered with a heavy dose of venom.

Jay stopped at a stop sign and put the pickup in park. He turned to look at Tobin and reached out to caress her arm.

“I’m sor-“

“Don’t fucking touch me Jay. Don’t, just fucking drive. Alex needs me. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Tobin’s teeth were clenched and she moved as far away from Jay as she could until her body was leaning against the passenger door of the pickup.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I need you to teach me. I just don’t understand.” Jay pleaded.

“I’m not a fucking babysitter. Its not my fault you were raised in a barn.” Tobin continued to stew, arms crossed and teeth clenched.

“I’m really sorry Tobin.”

“Jay, just drive the fucking truck before I get out and start walking. It’s on the next block. McClendon St.” Tobin spit out as she began to take deep breaths to calm herself.

They pulled up to Alex’s house and Tobin quickly undid her seat belt. Jay moved to do the same but she cut him off.

“No…don’t bother. I’m going in alone. I really don’t feel like being around you right now. I won’t be long anyway.” Tobin quickly scrambled out slamming the door on Jay’s reply.

Tobin’s skin automatically crawled with gooseflesh and she wasn’t really sure if it was because it was cold or because she was about to see Alex for the first time since their falling out.

Her body physically ached for her blue eyed love and she thought she might not let her go once she had her in her arms.

Tobin walked up the steps and knocked three times. She nervously stood on the welcome mat tapping her foot. In the few seconds it took for Alex to answer the door, all the memories of standing in the same spot began to flood Tobin’s senses. The intensity of the embrace, the passion in the kiss and the true love behind every movement. Tobin senses were nearing the peak of an emotional precipice and then Alex opened the door.

Tobin couldn’t speak or breathe. Alex stood before her in nothing but a simple t-shirt and pajama bottoms with her hair pulled up in something that resembled some form of a sloppy up do. If Alex was wearing makeup Tobin couldn’t tell.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Never seen anything this beautiful in my life.)

Tobin gasped softly and involuntarily and then Alex was grabbing her by the front of the shirt and yanking her through the door. Alex moved quickly and precisely as she slammed the door behind Tobin and forced her lanky tan body against it. Tobin had no choice but to submit.

Alex rushed toward Tobin’s face and stopped when they were just an inch away. Their noses touching slightly.

“Hi…” The greeting came out in a breathless whisper that was accompanied by a small amount of Alex’s signature rasp. Tobin was falling in love all over again.

“Hi my love.” Tobin replied as she looked down to Alex’s lips.

Tobin had already decided that she wouldn’t be the one making any kind of move in this situation. She had nothing to lose. She didn’t have a real relationship and she wasn’t about to give anyone an excuse as to why Alex cheated on her girlfriend. If something was going to happen, Alex would have to be the one making the first move.

Tobin quickly brought the rose up between the small space that separated their faces. Alex giggled and wiggled her nose at the tickling sensation. She carefully took the items from Tobin’s hands and smelled the rose before reading the card over 3 times. Every time she read it her smile got bigger.

“Why are you so sweet baby? How do you always know what to say to make me feel better?” Alex said after closing the card and closing the space between their bodies once more.

“Its easy when I love you as much as I do.” Tobin answered honestly.

“I…I missed you so much. I want you so bad.” Alex’s voice was full of emotion. She closed her eyes and bit her bottom lip as she connected her forehead with Tobin’s.

“I don’t know how anyone expects me to be faithful when I have you right in front of me. You are so beautiful.”

Alex had moved her face so that it was buried in Tobin’s neck with her arms linked underneath Tobin’s honey colored hair that lay loose down her back. Alex’s warm lips were lightly ghosting their way onto Tobin’s skin with every word she spoke. The stem of the rose lightly poked the center of Tobin’s back as Alex still held tightly to it along with the card in one hand.

“Please don’t do that baby. You know you make me weak when you have your lips on my neck.” Tobin said biting her own lip and digging her fingers into Alex’s waist where her hands had immediately found their familiar home. Alex released a soft moan low in her throat at the sensation.

“I love you Tobin.” Alex looked up into Tobin’s eyes and Tobin could see the sea of dark blue that had taken over in a matter of seconds.

“And I’m not a cheater. That’s the only reason I don’t want to cross this line. I don’t ever want you to think I did this to you or would ever do it to you when we’re together again.” Tobin’s heart was racing and every hot breath that left her mouth was shallower than the one before.

“I know you’re not a cheater.” Tobin said as she reconnected their foreheads. (Tobin’s brain notes: I mean…do I really? Do I really believe she wasn’t talking to Marta while we were still together?)

“Do you really believe that?” Alex asked pulling away from their position so she could look into Tobin’s eyes. Tobin squinted her eyes wondering if she had just revealed her inner thoughts out loud for Alex to hear.

Tobin didn’t answer right away. Instead she lifted her hand and traced the curve of Alex’s face until she reached her mouth. She lightly swept her fingertips over soft warm lips that were slightly parted.

“Yes. I believe that with all my heart. I love YOU with all my heart Alexandra.” Tobin couldn’t delude the emotion that could clearly be heard in her voice with this proclamation.

Alex reached up and held Tobin’s hand in place as she kissed each fingertip.

(Tobin’s brain notes: This is worse than actually kissing her. I think I might be ruining my underwear right now.)

While Tobin had never been able to imagine herself making love to Alex, she still couldn’t stop the natural reaction the blue-eyed beauty had on her body whenever she was in close proximity.

Emotionally or physically.

“Fuck…” Tobin whispered, breath hitching.

Then Tobin saw something different in Alex’s eyes. Clarity, a light bulb, or just pure fire. She wasn’t quite sure. Before she could figure it out, Alex was kissing her. Softly and passionately. Tobin could never get tired of how well they fit together in all aspects. Their lips, their hands, their bodies and even their souls. She could feel Alex deep down inside her. There was no way to yank her out anymore.

Their hands wandered and soon their heavy breathing turned into soft moans. Tobin lifted Alex’s body up with ease and Alex wrapped her legs around Tobin’s waist.

They continued their exploratory make out session as Tobin slowly and carefully made her way to Alex’s room. Once the door was opened Tobin made her way to Alex’s bed and gently laid her down. Tobin broke the kiss so that she could close the bedroom door behind them.

Tobin was nervous and terrified. She had no earthly idea how to proceed or what to do. But she refused to let the fear get to her. She would let her heart guide her through this. She was ready.

Tobin wanted to give herself to Alex and she wanted Alex to do the same but she was also embarrassed that she didn’t know what she was doing.

She turned around and walked to the door on legs that had gone numb. As she closed it she heard movement on the bed.

“Lock the bolt too baby.” Alex purred softly. Tobin reached for the bolt and a very unwelcomed thought punched through her brain like a freight train through a tunnel.

(Tobin’s brain notes: How many times has she done this with Marta? When was the last time they….)

Tobin shut her eyes immediately and shook her head to rid herself of the agonizing reality. But we all lie to ourselves and we believe these lies to be true. We lie to ourselves because we are terrified to accept the truth.

Tobin turned around after forcing the thought out of her head. Alex had slipped off her t-shirt revealing her bare breasts to Tobin for the first time. She sat on the bed facing Tobin with her legs hanging off the edge. Her posture was stoic and she was glowing with desire and confidence. The look on Tobin’s face was fueling these feelings. Alex’s insecurities about her body had disintegrated under Tobin’s loving gaze.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I need an ambulance and a priest because I’m gonna die tonight. There’s no way around it. I’m dead)

Tobin felt like her heart might explode out of her chest. Her mouth went completely dry and she couldn’t tear her eyes away. All thoughts of anything outside of the four walls of that blue star spackled room were lost. Alex was the only factor that mattered to Tobin. No pretend boyfriend waiting for her outside. No Morgan family members that may or may not be lurking around outside the door or in the living room. No yesterday, no tomorrow…just now. Right now.

Alex moved back on the bed and lay on her back biting her lip and breathing faster with every second. The hungry look in Tobin’s eyes was causing the blue eyed teenager to lose control of what little resolve she had left. She was also ready to finally give in to the desire she had been holding back for so long.

“I…I , you are so beautiful.” Tobin croaked through a throat that had turned into miles worth of sand dunes in a matter of seconds.

“Come here baby. I need you.” The vulnerability in Alex’s voice made Tobin’s heart stop and she knew that whatever she would attempt would be everything and anything she could give. She would be giving Alex her all emotionally and physically even if she wasn’t experienced. She would make Alex feel her love.

Before Tobin could take a step Alex spoke. “Wait. Turn the light off baby.” Tobin furrowed her eye brows as if Alex had said the most ridiculous thing in the world.

Tobin shook her head before her refusal left her mouth and then….”No…I don’t want to baby. I want to see you.”

Alex smiled causing her bottom lip to slide out from between her teeth. Her small giggle caused goose bumps to invade Tobin’s skin. Tobin’s pulse was running through its quick erratic cadence for the millionth time in the last 10 minutes.

Alex shifted her body and reached for the lamp next to her bed.

“Its ok baby. Turn it off. You’ll still be able to see me. And I’ll be able to see you too.” Alex assured her as her eyes traveled up and down Tobin’s body hungrily. Tobin flipped off the switch and Alex switched on the lamp causing a warm glowing light to wash over Alex’s smooth tanned skin giving the room a candlelit effect.

“There…that ok?” Alex asked a stunned Tobin. Tobin nodded her head numbly and began her zombie like approach to the bed.

Tobin approached carefully as if she moved too fast Alex might disappear or she might wake up from the most beautiful dream she had ever had in the short span of 17 years. Tobin’s slightly dazed state was somewhat altered when her knees hit the side of the bed. Honey brown locked on cerulean blue.

Alex reached out slowly with a trembling hand and delicately grabbed the front of Tobin’s shirt. Tobin had long since surrendered to her bodily instincts. She reached up grabbing Alex’s hand and guided both their hands and her shirt up revealing her tan, toned stomach. She let go once she knew that Alex understood that it was ok for her to undress her.

Their eyes still locked, Tobin lifted her arms allowing Alex to pull her shirt off. Once the shirt was no longer a factor, Alex’s first move was to touch all the exposed skin she could get her hands on. Alex’s hands all over Tobin’s stomach and chest over her bra. Tobin reached back unhooking it and Alex pulled it down over her shoulders and arms slowly revealing Tobin’s breasts. Tobin was nervous and immediately felt unsettled and scared at the intensity of Alex’s gaze.

Unlike Alex, all the insecurity that she had always felt when looking in the mirror had decided to plague her all in this moment and her instincts told her to lift her hands and cover up. Tobin moved to do this but Alex pulled her by the waist so she toppled over landing half way on top of Alex. Both teenagers inhaled sharply at the feeling of warm skin on skin.

They immediately began to taste each other’s mouths in a heated kiss. Tobin readjusted herself so that her body was flush with Alex as she lay on top of her but she pushed her weight off concerned that she may be too heavy. Alex pulled her back in not willing to give up any contact between their bodies. Tobin began to kiss a trail down Alex’s neck and before she knew it she had gently taken one of Alex’s breasts in her mouth.

Alex whimpered and hissed looking down at Tobin and weaving her left hand through Tobin’s hair. Tobin slowly swirled her tongue over Alex’s sensitive skin driving the teenager crazy. Alex began to writhe under Tobin’s body and her hips lightly bucked up into Tobin’s midsection. Tobin wasn’t ready to go further down so she went in for another kiss.

Alex reached down with both hands running them down Tobin’s lower back and into the back of her jeans grabbing her bare ass under her underwear. Tobin moaned into Alex’s mouth. The teenagers split each other’s thighs and began to move together in a perfect rhythm grinding against each other exactly where their bodies craved it most.

Alex pulled Tobin’s waist between her opened legs and bucked up to meet it in a slow agonizing movement.

Their bare breasts, stomachs and chests rubbed against each other as they moved.

Tobin’s blue jeans were preventing her from getting as much of the delicious sensation that Alex was getting from wearing pajama bottoms with nothing underneath. Alex’s movements were getting more and more frantic and she knew she was very close to reaching her climax.

(Alex’s brain notes: No…God it feels so good but I don’t want it like this. I want to feel her. I want HER.)

Alex’s movements stuttered as her body betrayed her inward decision.

“Baby…” Alex was out of breath as she began to address Tobin. Tobin was currently kissing a trail from Alex’s neck up to her ear.

Tobin was immediately afraid that she was doing something wrong and her movements completely ceased.

“Are…are you ok baby? Do you want me to stop? Is something wrong?” Tobin spoke quickly and frantically as she searched Alex’s eyes for any sign of discomfort.

“No…fuck…Tobin it feels so good. I just, we have never done this and I really just want to feel you…like really feel you.”

Tobin knew exactly what Alex meant and she literally felt the color drain from her face. Her hands that were currently planted on either side of Alex’s head had gone numb.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What the fuck am I gonna do now?)

Alex read the panic and quickly began to talk her young lover down. Alex slipped her hands back up out of Tobin’s pants and placed them gently on either side of Tobin’s face. As she spoke she lovingly caressed Tobin’s cheeks with her thumbs.

“I know you’re nervous but don’t be. I love you and I just…God this sounds so corny…I just want you to make love to me, fuck me, do whatever you want to me. I need you. I’m giving myself to you Tobin. Don’t be scared.” Alex’s voice grew huskier and more vulnerable with every word until she was almost pleading nearing the end of her sentence.

Tobin cleared her dry throat and bit her lip as she continued to look into Alex’s dark blue eyes.

“No girl has ever said that to me before.” Tobin admitted burying her face in Alex’s neck to hide her embarrassment.

Alex giggled softly and smacked Tobin’s denim covered ass playfully. “I hope not Toby.”

Tobin smiled softly at Alex’s reply. She began to kiss her way down Alex’s neck and encountered a lock of stray hair.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I want her hair down. I want it lose. I want to smell it.)

Tobin reached up with one hand and began to get a finger under the hair tie that Alex had used. Following Tobin’s lead, Alex reached up and pulled it down in one swipe. Her light brown highlighted locks tumbled down over her shoulders and Tobin buried her face in it becoming intoxicated by the familiar sweet smell.

“You’re perfect.” Tobin whispered so quietly that she was sure Alex hadn’t heard her. But she did.

“I only feel close to perfect when you look at me baby.” The honesty and emotion in Alex’s voice was unmistakable. Alex had never been the type to reveal how she was feeling nor was she really into romantic gestures or words but Tobin had completely changed that. Alex was slowly coming out of her shell and she wanted Tobin to be the only witness to that.

Tobin went in to give Alex one last lingering kiss and then she finally began her journey down a divine body she would take her time worshipping.

Tobin revisited Alex’s breasts putting the teenager through a very slow agony. When she heard Alex’s breathing patterns coming in small short and sharp, she decided to move lower. Her desire to taste Alex was overwhelming but she couldn’t completely get rid of her fear.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I want this. I’ve wanted this. I’m going for it. I want her to be my first and my last.)

Tobin reached the waist line of Alex’s pajama pants and lingered for a few seconds. She looked up into Alex’s eyes watching her stomach rise and fall rapidly with anticipation.

“I love you Alex.”

“Mmmm..Oh my god, I love you.” Alex whispered out frantically as she buried both her hands into Tobin’s hair.

Tobin reached up to Alex’s waist line and got her fingers under the elastic band. She slowly began to pull it down….

BANG BANG BANG!

“ALEX! ARE YOU IN THERE? IS TOBIN IN THERE WITH YOU?!”

Tobin jumped sky high off of Alex’s body. Her heart beat wildly in her ears. Alex’s mom had nearly given her a heart attack.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ambulance…priest, quick!)

“MOM WTF! QUIT KNOCKING LIKE THE FUCKING COPS!” Alex yelled slamming her fist into the mattress.

Tobin covered her eyes with her hands and let her body fall backwards onto the bed and off of Alex. Her breathing was frantic as she tried to calm herself down.

“Alexandra! There’s a guy parked outside that says he’s Tobin’s boyfriend?” Pam informed ending her statement in a question.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. She was extremely aroused and her mother’s voice had painfully shut off that sensation. She shook her head and rubbed her eyes before standing and grabbing her t-shirt.

“Jesus Mom you’re really good at blocking, did you know that?!” Alex yelled through a little giggle.

Alex put her shirt on and turned to find Tobin lying on her back, hands covering her face, still shirtless. Alex bit her lip at the image. She walked over slowly. And then her mother knocked again.

“Alex, open the door we need to talk!

“FUCK MOM, give me a fucking minute will you?!” Alex said waving her hand at the door as if her mom could see her annoyed gesture.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck I wish I could get away with talking to my own mother like that.) Tobin smiled still covering her eyes.

Alex walked over to the bed between Tobin’s legs.

(Alex’s brain notes: I don’t know if I’ll ever get this opportunity again so I’m going for it.)

Alex bent over at the waist and lightly sucked on each of Tobin’s breasts for a few seconds.

Tobin uncovered her eyes and looked down thrusting a fist in her mouth to keep from releasing possibly the loudest moan that had ever graced her relaxed vocal chords.

“You fucking little shit!” Tobin whisper screamed.

“Now you know how you were making me feel.” Alex replied laughing and sticking a little piece of tongue out between her teeth.

“Huh…well we’ll see if I ever get that naked around you again.” Tobin fired back as she sat up and began the search for her bra.

“Alex…I’m still waiting out here!”

“What’s the deal with your mom? She hates me now?” Tobin whispered in Alex’s ear after putting her bra and shirt back on.

“No, it has nothing to do with you. She doesn’t want me messing with Marta’s head.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck Marta.)

Alex gave Tobin a quick peck on the lips before she unlocked and opened the door.

“Tobin is that your boyfriend outside? I had to go ask him a few questions since he’s been idling out on the curb for at least 15 minutes. It kinda freaked me out. I didn’t recognize the truck.”

“Yes ma’am, his name is Jay. Sorry he scared you.” Tobin said politely.

Pam squinted her eyes in confusion.

“He’s your boyfriend… and you’re in here doing…well, you’re in here with Alexandra?”

Alex scoffed. “Mom, mind your business. Seriously.”

“I’m talking to Tobin, Alex. Let her answer.” Pam told her daughter sternly.

Tobin felt the tiny hairs on the back of her neck prickle and adrenaline started to rush through her veins. She had always been polite to Pam and vise versa but this is the first time she had heard a disapproving tone from the mother of her love and it was making her extremely nervous.

“Well, Mrs. Morgan…not all mothers are as accepting as you. This is the way it has to be. I have to pretend to have a boyfriend so that he can drive me to see your daughter with out my mother finding out. My mother doesn’t exactly approve of the fact that…well, that I love your daughter.”

Pam’s face contorted in confusion and then into a look of pity.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Uhhhh, don’t pity me. I don’t need that.)

“I’m sorry to hear that babe. I wish things weren’t like this but Alex is in a relationship and the guy out on the curb thinks he’s in one too. Don’t you think its kind of unfair?”

“Yup, its pretty unfair all around Mrs. Morgan.”

“Mom, will you let us make our own decisions please? I know what I’m doing and so does Tobin.”

“Oh you do huh? Well, I came to have my say and now that I have I’ll butt out but at least tell him to come inside.”

Alex stepped back and closed the door pushing her mother out. “Ok Ok mom we get it. Stop blocking.” Alex laughed and locked the door.

“Well I think you handled that pretty well. I think if some girl’s mom told me something like that I would’ve been cursing her out.” Alex said as she wrapped her arms around Tobin’s waist and held her in place.

Tobin smiled into the gorgeous face that still made her stomach fill with a flurry of anxious butterflies.

“And that’s why my mom loves you so much baby. That and the fact that you’re a girl and I’m in love with you.”

Alex giggled and gripped her arms tighter around Tobin’s waist.

“Hey let’s go to the beach.”

“You want to go to the beach right now?” Alex asked stunned.

“Yea. Well Jay will have to drive us but come on. Its just me and you as far as I’m concerned.”

Alex’s beaming smile lit up her face and Tobin laughed.

(Tobin’s brain notes: She’s so adorable and easy to please. She practically lives at the beach and never gets tired of going.)

“Ok baby let’s go! Let me just change!”

***************************************************

The drive to the beach was relatively quiet. Except for initial introductions nothing was said until two blocks away from the shore.

The small pick up truck was a single cab so Tobin had inhabited the space between Jay and Alex. Jay had had both hands on the wheel the whole way but decided to put his right hand on Tobin’s knee after he had put the truck in park at the traffic light. Tobin flinched back surprised at the contact at first since she happened to be staring at Alex’s profile and didn’t see it coming. Jay had done this before but he had always been smart enough not to try it when Tobin was upset with him or in front of anyone. It was just a form of respect that Tobin had insisted on.

Tobin immediately grabbed his hand and swept it off. She began to look out the side window that Alex was looking out of and then she felt his hand again. Tobin really didn’t want Alex to witness any of this so she remained silent. But Tobin and Alex’s bodies were touching and Alex had already felt Tobin’s body stiffen.

Alex turned around just in time to see Jay put his hand back on Tobin’s knee. Tobin turned around and gave Jay a warning look as she swept his hand off again. The light turned green and right after he put the truck in drive he replaced his hand on Tobin’s knee once again.

“If she pushed your hand off her knee already you should know that it means she doesn’t want it there right?” Alex challenged narrowing her eyes at Jay from where she sat on Tobin’s right. Tobin heard the dangerous tone in Alex’s voice and suddenly knew that Alex would gladly scratch his eyes out if he didn’t stop. She knew she had to act quickly.

“Don’t worry about it gorgeous. This is between my girlfriend and I.” Jay responded as he kept his eyes on the road and his hand on Tobin’s knee. Tobin reached for his hand again and threw it off.

“Quit Jay. I don’t know what you’re problem is. Just fucking stop.”

The 20 year old man huffed and replaced his hand on the wheel gripping it tight.

“Sure thing princess.” His tone was dripping with embarrassment, sarcasm and defeat.

Tobin didn’t speak to Jay when they reached the shore. She followed Alex off the vehicle and immediately grabbed her hand as she took off in a full on sprint dragging Alex behind her. Alex caught up quickly and let Tobin’s hand go.

“You think you got what it takes to beat me in a race Heath?!” Alex yelled over the wind and waves.

“You talk a big game! Prove that you’re faster!” Tobin yelled back. The two teenagers continued running until they reached the life guard tower and stopped. They both stood bent over at the waist with their hands on their knees trying to catch their breath.

“You….got a lot…faster baby.” Alex panted.

“I’m just better on sand.” Tobin joked laughing through several hard breaths.

“Come on.” Tobin said as she took Alex’s hand and led her up the Lifeguard tower.

Tobin sat down against the back wall when they reached the top and led Alex down so that she sat with her back against her chest.

Tobin linked her arms around Alex’s midsection and interlaced their fingers.

They sat in comfortable silence as their hearts slowed to a normal rhythm again.

Alex lifted Tobin’s hands and placed them palm to palm as if to measure them. She lightly rubbed Tobin’s knuckles that were still red and a little sore from when she had slammed her fist into the metal pay phone housing outside the store. The touch of Alex’s fingertips was delicate and loving as she let out a sigh of disappointment.

“Tobin Powell Heath…what happened here?” She asked with sadness tinging her voice. She knew that she was more than likely the reason for the slight swelling of Tobin’s hand and it caused her high spirits to sink.

“Eh its nothing baby.” Tobin replied resting her chin in the crook of the left side of Alex’s neck so she could watch her.

“Toby, I don’t want you hurting yourself. I know none of this is easy and it’s frustrating but I don’t want anything to happen to you. I love you so much and I don’t want you hurt in any way ok?”

“Don’t worry about it baby. It’s just a little swelling. It’ll go down.”

“Tobin…promise me that you’ll be safe always. I wish I could always be around to take care of you but since I can’t I need you to promise me you will always be safe.”

“Of course I will Alex. Stop worrying so much.” Tobin placed a light kiss on Alex’s left ear and then inhaled her sweet scent. She just couldn’t get enough of her.

“Say the words Tobin. Say you promise.” Alex had adapted her adamant determined tone and Tobin knew there was no way out of this conversation unless she said the word “promise.”

“I promise baby. You don’t need to worry.”

Alex lifted Tobin’s hand and lightly kissed every knuckle. Tobin’s heart swelled at this small caring gesture. There was nothing that could ever compare to how complete she felt in this moment. She held the entire universe in her arms.

Alex pulled the two hands she held down again and lined them both up perfectly palm to palm. She was silent for a beat and then she laughed to herself as if amused.

“Oh my God…you would Tobin.” Alex said shaking her head and giggling.

“What…I know they’re ugly hands.” Tobin said immediately feeling self conscious.

Alex reached down and lightly slapped Tobin’s thigh.

“You have gorgeous hands. I love them. Especially your left one. You know its bigger right?”

“Wh-what?” Tobin sputtered in disbelief.

Alex laughed and turned her head to look at Tobin.

“Its at least a half inch bigger than your right. Look.” Alex put them together once again aligning them perfectly.

“Ha! Wow, you’re right. All my life and I had no idea. No wonder I can palm a basketball with my left and not my right.” Tobin said suddenly realizing how various things now made sense.

Alex leaned back against Tobin’s chest and placed a small open mouth kiss on Tobin’s neck Alex leaned back against Tobin’s chest and placed a small open mouth kiss on Tobin’s neck causing the tanned teenager to groan.

“Mmmm you can palm a basketball? Fuck. That’s the hand I want inside me baby.”

“Oh my God Alex. Don’t say that to me right now. Its not fair.” Tobin’s said as her pulse began to quicken.

“You know, if you’re boyfriend comes over here he’s gonna wonder why we are in this position.” Alex said in a mocking tone.

“You need to stop teasing!" Tobin pleaded.

Alex smiled and leaned her head back into position again allowing Tobin to catch her breath.

“It really does bother you doesn’t it baby? That I’m with him? Even if it isn’t real.” Tobin couldn’t hide the amusement in her voice. She thought it was adorable that Alex was jealous of a fake relationship.

“I just don’t know how you can do that.” Alex said now running her fingertips up and down Tobin’s arms distractedly.

“What, be with him?”

“No, more like make out with him and yea just act like you’re together.” Alex shrugged her shoulders as if to indicate that she couldn’t help how she felt. Tobin smiled and placed another kiss on Alex’s ear.

“Don’t worry, its nothing. I hardly kiss him anyway because he is so horrible at kissing. I don’t think he really knows what it is.” Tobin said letting out a small gag.

Alex giggled. “What do you mean baby? That if he was a great kisser you would kiss him all the time?”

“NO! God No! If he was an average kisser I’d be able to tolerate it because I have to but he’s unbearable!” Tobin lamented.

“I mean the guy can’t kiss, Alex! He’s 20 yrs old. You think he would’ve learned by now right? Its fucking gross!” Tobin said twisting her face in disgust.

“He’s fucking 20 years old Tobin?! You’re mom really must be desperate to get me out of your life. Fuck…that’s….that’s statutory rape Tobin!”

Alex was appalled. She had no clue that Jay was that much older than Tobin. Her jealousy had just doubled and anger began to swell in her heart.

“That’s never gonna happen Alex. I don’t want it to happen. At least not with him.” Tobin whispered as she wrapped her arms tighter around Alex to help reassure her of what she had just promised.

Alex sighed. “Ok Just please be careful. I’ll fucking kill him Tobin.”

“Shhh, calm down love. It’s ok. You don’t need to worry.”

“So…he slobbers on you when he kisses or what? What’s the problem?!” Alex asked suddenly intrigued as she directed the conversation back to where it had begun.

“It’s like I try to lead him and show him but its no use. And then one day I just wouldn’t kiss him and he kept bugging me to tell him why. When I finally gave in and told him he told me that I was the one that was a horrible kisser!” Tobin burst out laughing causing Alex to lean forward barking laughter as well.

“Oh my God! Yea he’s in denial because you’re a fucking amazing kisser baby. You make me melt when you kiss me.” Alex pulled Tobin’s arms back around her body tightly and sighed to herself with a look of pure ecstasy as she thought about Tobin’s lips.

“Well, you be sure to tell him that.” Tobin whispered seductively in Alex’s ear.

“I will. Don’t challenge me because I really will. I just still don’t know how you do it.”

“I don’t know how you do it either.”

“I don’t have a boy….oh…”

“Yea…oh.” Tobin immediately started to feel the familiar feeling of rejection she hadn’t been able to shake since the first time Alex had informed her of her new relationship.

A painful sinking feeling in her chest quickly settled in and burrowed its way into her heart. She drew in a deep breath to try to relieve it. It didn’t help.

“I really wish things were different Tobin.” Alex replied sadly.

“Yea, me too.” Tobin paused wanting to say more but she was afraid. She wanted to just live in the moment for the moment but she couldn’t continue letting this plague her.

“Remind me why we aren’t together if we both want to be together. If we are both willing to go the distance.”

“It has nothing to do with us. Our love has never been the problem. If your mom wasn’t so hell bent on keeping us apart…”

“Alex, I told you I’d leave for you. It’s not that long until we graduate. As soon as I turn 18 there’s nothing she can do.” Tobin pleaded. They had never had a chance to discuss all the variables involved. Tobin had always felt like there was so much left unsaid and she was ready to use this opportunity to get it all off her chest.

“Tobin, you know that it’s not that simple.”

“Alex, it is that simple. I know you might think I’m a little crazy but I don’t care because I’m crazy about you and I don’t want to go one more day without you. I don’t want to go one more day wondering what you’re doing and if you’re thinking about me. I want to experience everything with you. I want to make love to you without having to wonder when you last had sex with Marta. I want you at your best and at your worst. Nothing else matters to me. Even if my family disowns me. I will give that all up for you….”

“Tobin! Just…stop. It’s not possible right now so stop ok?”

“I don’t want to do that again Alex.” Tobin was on the verge of tears. She leaned back on the wood wall with a thud and felt the splinters piercing her back. She pulled her arms away so that the only contact she had with Alex was her legs that were still spread around her ex girlfriends’ body. She drew in big heaping breaths to calm down but nothing worked until she bit down hard on her lip drawling blood inside her mouth on the sensitive skin. Tobin hissed softly and closed her eyes tasting the blood.

Even so, the tears still fell fast and heavy. Tobin wiped them away quickly before Alex could turn around and see her.

Alex sighed heavily before she spoke. “You don’t want to do what again Tobin.”

“I don’t want what happened back there to happen again. I don’t want to even come close like we just did. I wanted you to be my first Alex and if you want that from me you’re gonna have to give yourself to me. I can’t share you Alex. I won’t.” Tobin’s speech was broken as she spoke through tears and the painful lump that was making it more and more difficult for her to speak.

Alex turned around and cradled Tobin’s face in her chest to soothe her.

“If that’s how you want it then I respect that. I respect your wishes.”

Tobin’s soft cries turned into light choking sobs at Alex’s reply.

(Tobin’s brain notes: You’re supposed to tell me that I’m worth it. You were supposed to tell me that I’m worth everything to you too and that I’m worth leaving a girlfriend that you don’t really love anyway but you really do love her don’t you.)

“You love her.” Tobin stated.

“I..I”

“Its not a question Alex.” Tobin’s tone had quickly turned bitter as she angrily wiped her tears and pulled back away from Alex’s chest.

“It’s a statement. I’m saying that because I’ve been so blinded by how much I love you and how bad I wanted you back that I didn’t see it. You love her and it doesn’t matter what I say or do because as long as you’re with her I will never have a chance. At 18 or 22 or however long it takes you to realize that you deserve better.”

“Tobin…I just can’t end things with Marta. None of this had anything to do with her. I have to let this relationship play out. Its not fair to her.”

“But its fair to me Alex?! Which part of this is fair to me? Or do I not matter anymore?”

“Tobin…please don’t do this. Of course you matter. Marta and I just happened and there’s nothing we could do about it. I do love her but I’m in love with you. I will always be in love with only you.”

Tobin laughed bitterly and continued to wipe her tears away.

“This is all such a fucking joke and I’m the fucking punch line. Ill always be the punch line. The consolation prize.” Tobin shook her head.

“Baby, please don’t talk like that. You are worth so much…”

“Just not to you. Look just stop. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine. I’ll try to move on. I should just be focusing on my future because that’s the only thing I can do at this point. Come on. Let’s get you home. You’re hands are freezing. I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Tobin please don’t do this. I don’t want to be on bad terms. Fuck this is so fucking hard! I don’t want to lose you!” Alex half screamed over the waves and at Tobin’s retreating figure.

“It’s a little late for that Alex. If you really didn’t want to lose me we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Just save it ok. I don’t think I can take this anymore. Lets’ just go.” Tobin felt empty, cold and defeated as she walked down the tower’s ramp.

She made sure all her tears were wiped and she took a few deep breaths to calm down. The last thing she needed was nosy questions from her idiotic fake boyfriend.

She didn’t look back to see where Alex was or if she was even following her. She figured she would wait for her at the truck. She couldn’t stand to look at something she could never have again.

She didn’t look back and as a result didn’t see Alex sprinting in her direction. Tobin had no warning when Alex jumped on her back at full speed causing them both to fall to the sand.

“What tha fuck!” Tobin yelled turning around on her back underneath a writhing Alex that was trying to pin her wrists down.

“Alex…what the fuck are you doing?” Tobin asked confused and surprised.

“The conversation is not over Tobin. I’m not done with you.”

“Well I was done talking Alex so you’re just gonna have to deal with it.” Tobin said suddenly feeling emotionally drained and exhausted.

“If you can pin me then we are done. But if I pin you, you have to do what I say.”

Tobin was hurt and angry and frustrated. She just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry until her body couldn’t produce another tear but here Alex was. Straddling her in the sand. Challenging her.

“DEAL!” Tobin yelled without warning as she easily flipped Alex over on her back and pinned her wrists to the sand.

“Like I said….the fucking conversation is over. I’m done talking Alex. I’m done letting you hurt me. I’m just fucking done!” Tobin was screaming through tears. Her hair flying in her face and down into Alex’s face. Her tears falling on Alex and in the sand around them.

Alex’s face was still determined and when Tobin lessened her grip she flipped their positions and was finally able to pin Tobin who was weak with grief and self loathing.

“Stop Alex! Can’t you see that I don’t want to play your game?! Can’t you see that this was never a game for me?! I don’t know what….”

Alex cut Tobin’s words off with a kiss and Tobin didn’t reciprocate. When Tobin tried to speak again Alex stifled her words yet again with another kiss. This happened three or four times before Tobin finally gave in and kissed back. The kiss was slow and sad and they were both crying on each other’s faces.

Alex kept running both her hands down Tobin’s face and Tobin had grabbed Alex by the waist. They had both blocked out whatever was around them and didn’t care who might see.

Alex suddenly stopped after a few minutes of frantic kissing and looked Tobin straight in the eye.

“We will be together again someday. I know it Tobin. I can feel it in my heart. I’ve always felt it. Since we were kids playing together. I knew you were meant for me and I was meant only for you. You have to believe that. All these obstacles in between are just things we have to go through to get to the end. And in the end we will be together. You have to believe me. I know you can feel it too.”

Tobin’s face was streaming with a fresh crop of tears as she watched Alex sit above her and pour her heart out through her own faucet of tears. She listened to every word and how beautiful the concept of an undying love sounded. The concept of true soul mates. Tobin had always believed in true love and how it can really move mountains but after all the pain she had been through, she was having doubts. And when a hopeless romantic doubts true love, that means a heart is breaking somewhere at that exact moment.

And that heart belonged to Tobin.

**************************************************

The ride back was just as quiet as the ride to the shore. Alex was bundled up and leaning into Tobin who had wrapped an arm around her to keep her warm. Millions of thoughts were racing through their heads and they knew that everything would change after this. They both just wanted to savor the last few minutes of real time together because no matter how many times they’d see each other after this night, there would never be another feeling like this. Holding what matters most and leaning on who matters most.

When they reached Alex’s house both teenagers got off the truck so Tobin could walk Alex to the door. Before walking away Alex turned to look at Jay.

“It was nice meeting you Jay.” Alex said politely.

“Nice meeting you too Alexandra.” Jay replied looking ahead so he wouldn’t have to completely acknowledge Alex. Alex smiled at this childish behavior from a grown man.

“Hey Jay, you know its impolite not to look at someone when they are talking to you right? Or were you never taught manners?” Tobin stood aside and bit her lip hoping that this wouldn’t turn into a shouting match or worse.

Jay turned and slowly narrowed his eyes at Alex.

“Is that better Alex?” Jay growled.

“Good boy. Now, let me just give you a few tips. You have to respect Tobin. If she doesn’t want your hands on her, you have to keep them to yourself. I’m pretty sure Mr. Heath would love to know that you had to be told more than once to keep your hands to yourself. If you hurt her… I’ll kill you man. Get it?”

Alex let out a small laugh at the end of the sentence making it sound like a joke but everyone present could tell it wasn’t.

Jay scoffed and said nothing.

Alex turned to leave and walked back to say one last thing.

“Oh and I almost forgot. You can’t kiss dude. You’re the problem not Tobin. Because Tobin….well she’s an amazing kisser. Like…curl my toes amazing.”

“What?!” Jay replied exasperated.

Tobin’s eyes grew wide and she grabbed Alex’s hand to lead her to the door before anymore could be said.

Alex was laughing and looking back to the truck until they reached the porch.

“So I’ll see you around sometime.” Tobin said sadly looking down at the welcome mat. She didn’t want to face the sea of blue that she couldn’t dream about anymore. Alex lifted Tobin’s chin.

“Look at me Tobin. Don’t ever forget what I said. Don’t you EVER forget it. We are meant to be. I love you.” Before Tobin knew what was happening, Alex had leaned forward and given her a quick peck on the lips. Tobin was shocked but Alex disappeared quickly behind her door before Tobin could react.

Tobin entered the silver pick up and buckled her seat belt.

“What the fuck was that Tobin?! Is she YOUR girlfriend? Are you a lesbian?”

“Jay it was a little peck. Get over it. Let’s get out of here.” Tobin replied dismissively.

Jay sputtered clearly not knowing what to do or say next and Tobin couldn't care less.


	20. Raise Your Right Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So you stole my world  
> Now I'm just a phony.  
> Remembering the girl  
> Leaves me down and lonely."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to remind those who have returned to read this again and also tell those who are reading this for the first time that these events actually happened to me. Every crazy series of events actually happened exactly the way I wrote them. I obviously borrowed the names and likenesses of these very real women but other than that everything else is 100% truth. 
> 
> So if you feel like an event is unbelievable or uncanny or ironic or just too coincidental then this is my reply to you, "welcome to my life."
> 
> If you haven't read the first part of this story The Pitch I'd consider reading it first so that you understand the foundation of all these events.
> 
> There will be a 3rd and last part to this that will be written for the first time. No re posting. So for all of you who have returned and all who are here for the first time, thank you for reading and I hope I evoke some kind of emotion.  
> I hope I evoke some kind of awakening.

"I, Tobin Powell Heath, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God."

Tobin’s parents, two aunts, 3 cousins and grandmother all stood by watching her do the very thing their brother, son and uncle did in 1967. Perhaps out of all the people present in that small room with dark blue carpet and every branch of the military displayed on flags, Tobin’s grandmother was the person who was the most overwhelmed with beaming pride and paralyzing horror.

Tobin turned after removing her hand from her heart and the first person to receive her into a bone-crushing hug was her grandmother. Tobin was taken aback by the little old woman’s strength as she continued to clutch her tightly. The teenager then grew alarmed to see her grandmothers usual no nonsense disposition dissolve into a series of sniffles and vulnerability.

 

Tobin comforted her as best she could.

 

“Don’t worry grammy, it isn’t Vietnam. Its not even wartime. You still have a few months with me and then you can finally be rid of me and all my trouble making.

Tobin giggled softly and rubbed her grandmother’s slightly hunched back. She swayed a little from side to side in the same comforting embrace she gave everyone she truly loved when she was trying her best to dissolve all their problems.

Tobin felt her grandmother laugh softly in their embrace. Tobin’s grammy looked up into her granddaughter’s eyes and reached up with gnarled hands to caress her face. Tobin could see a look in the old woman’s eyes that she had never detected before. It was pride.

*****************************************************

“Fuck dude you are crazy but I respect you. I would never be able to join the fucking military. And the Marines! You know the training is crazy and hard as shit right?”

Ashlyn said during lunch one day as her and Tobin stood by watching the circle of death in full swing lead by Pinoe of course.

“I know its not easy but if I’m gonna do something I’m gonna do it all the way. The Marines are an elite expeditionary force and I’m all in. Plus my uncle was a Marine.” Tobin replied shrugging her shoulders as if her actions were expected.

Less than 2% of the student body was joining the military. All of the recruits that had taken the oath in the delayed entry program were guys and only one of them would be joining the Marine Corps with Tobin. Tobin would be the only female in the entire graduating class that would be going through 13 weeks of the most grueling basic training of all the branches in the United States military.

“You don’t do things like everyone else do you? You always do things for a reason. Always different.” Ashlyn mused making more of a statement than actually asking a question.

Tobin always on the defensive was a little offended by the comment taking it negatively. “What the fuck is wrong with that? What’s wrong with being different?” Tobin replied sending her friend an uncharacteristic glare.

“Dude! Nothing!” Ashlyn laughed pulling Tobin into a rough but playful headlock and kissing her on the head.

“Don’t be so serious! Calm down killer. I said it in a good way. Don’t ever change. Its boring with all these fake people just trying to conform to what society wants them to be.”

Ashlyn looked over at Tobin and smiled. She gave her a little slug on the arm and shook her head. “What does Alex think about all this?” Ashlyn asked. She regretted the question half way through after she saw Tobin’s reaction to Alex’s name but she couldn’t take it back anymore.

“Alex is the least of my worries. She has Marta and I’m going to South Carolina for training. I’m not even a blip on Alex’s radar. Marta is already at university and Alex will be going too. She’s always known what I wanted to do after graduation. The only thing I can do now is focus on my own future. Alex doesn’t give a shit about me.”

“Dude…” Ashlyn began in a tone that was both contradictory and sad but she was soon cut off by Ali’s lips.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ali always has perfect timing.)

Tobin turned to look at the circle of death that had transformed into a dog pile with Pinoe on top as usual. This brought a smile to Tobin’s face and a small tugging feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was going to have to leave all this. All the comfort her friends had brought her during the toughest years of her life. She would be embarking on a new journey alone and this journey would test her down to the fraying edges of her soul.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Soak it all in while you still can.)

Tobin quickly ran over taking a running jump at the pile. Pinoe groaned under the impact of Tobin’s long body landing on top of hers. Right before Tobin got off she heard the poor soul on the bottom mention something about crapping her pants. Tobin laughed and shook her head as she helped Pinoe up off the floor. Lauren, Christen and Carli soon joined them as they all huddled in a group again and by muscle memory alone, formed another circle.

“So, I heard you took an oath over the weekend?” Christen bit her lip with worry. “Tobin, why? I’m sorry, I know it’s your choice I just really want to know the reason."

“Fuck, here we go again. Do all of you want to stick around so I don’t have to repeat myself?”

“Uhh nope, I’m out. Gotta get to class.” Ashlyn said quickly pulling Ali by the arm.

“I’m out dude I’m gonna be late.” Pinoe muttered followed closely by Lauren.

Never one to sugar coat anything, Carli chimes in, "Fuck that Im in no mood for your aunt Samantha lecture today. See ya later Tobito!" She yells out waving her hand behind her as she quickly retreats.

Tobin couldn't help laughing at how fast her friends disappeared once they knew that a lecture about the importance of serving was at hand.

“Aunt Samantha? What in Gods name is she talking about?" Christen asked.

 Tobin shook her head laughing. "She calls me Aunt Samantha instead of Uncle Sam. Get it?"

 The two teenagers laughed at their friends' horrible joke. 

 "Come on Tobin. This is your free period right? Walk me to my mom’s class ok?”

 “But I use this period to work out Press, you know that.”

 Christen sidled up next to Tobin as they began to walk and linked her left hand with Tobin’s right as she brushed the fingertips of her free hand from Tobin’s bicep down to her forearm. Tobin felt an unusual amount of activity in her stomach that made her take a deep breath.

 “Mmm, looks like you can afford to skip a few hours of pumping iron. Don’t worry, the Marines will chisel you right up….well even more.” Christen laughed nervously.

 Christen had discovered that it had become almost impossible to keep from flirting with Tobin.  Something about the tan, alluring teenager drew her in and the suggestive language just became involuntary.

 Christen had analyzed these feelings in depth after a recent heated argument with Valerie.  Though Christen had never given Valerie a reason to doubt her committment, there was still an exorbitant amount of menacing tension and jealousy surrounding every conversation she had with her girlfriend after the argument which happened to occur because according to Valerie, Christen was "talking about Tobin too much."

 Christen found Valerie's jealousy odd and out of character but she chalked it up to the distance between them and the frustration of the military training that Valerie was undergoing.  Valerie had joined the Navy and had just completed basic training. She spent 2 weeks of leave after basic with Christen and the couple never really left the bed so there didn't seem to be much of a grudge remaining and Christen put it out of her mind.

 But now as she felt the warm skin of her friends bicep under her fingertips and looked into her honey colored eyes she couldn't seem to shake the contradicting feelings of guilt and giddiness.

 (Christen's brain notes: What is WRONG with me???)

 “I guess.” Tobin sighed trying to hide the shakiness in her voice. “How’s your mom by the way? I haven’t seen her in a while.” Tobin inquired changing the subject and actively trying to avoid talking about the oath.

 Christen’s mother was one of the chemistry teacher’s at Kennedy high and one of sweetest women Tobin had ever met. Tobin always wondered how much that complicated or helped Christens high school experince. She herself knew that she could never handle attending the same school HER mother worked for. That would be absolute torture.

 “Eh, my mom’s cool. We haven’t really been getting along much lately. I think its all the time and money I’ve been spending on sending Valerie care packages and long distance phone calls to Germany.”

Christen bit her lip in the same worried expression Tobin had seen earlier. Christen was still leaning into Tobin and hadn’t let go of her hand. Tobin welcomed the warmth of Christen’s body and even more the warmth that spread throughout her whole body at the contact.

 “Then why don’t you cut down some? I’m sure Val will understand. I mean she is your best friend right? If I was in the same situation with Lauren I know she would understand.”

 Tobin suggested with conspiratorial ease. She knew exactly what she was doing and so did Christen. They both knew and at the same time, they didn’t.  It was the fixing of the line and the casting of the bait and the waiting game that they performed like a dance every time Tobin tried to get Christen to open up and everytime Christen had to have her wits about her so as to not fall into a very attractive looking trap.

 “It’s not like that Tobin.”

 “I know it isn’t Christen. You two are different and I wish you would just talk to me about it. I would never judge you and the fact that you are keeping this from me is actually starting to hurt my feelings.”

 “Stop Tobs, you know it’s not like that. I just worry about her out there. She’s so far from home and she gets so sad and that’s why I worry about you too. I don’t want that to happen to you when you have to leave all of us behind.”

 “Its cool. I’ll be fine. This is what I want. I know Valerie joined for different reasons so she doesn’t really want to be there. OF course its gonna be torture for her but I WANT to be there. I’ve wanted it my entire life. I was born to do this."

 "Why Tobin? You still haven't answered my question. Why the Marines? Why the military?"

 "Well, let's put aside the fact that my uncle was 20 when he died in Vietnam and he is the reason my mother even graduated high school and that he volunteered to go to Vietnam instead of being drafted. Those were things I grew up hearing about. Those are things I am proud of.

 With all that aside, my heart remains. And my heart is for this country. I'm a protector. I'm a defender. Sticking up for the little guy is what I've always done. My love for my country is as impenetrable as my love for my family because I would defend it as fiercely as I would defend my family. I spent my whole life trying to figure out how I would leave my mark and I know my devotion and service to my country is something that no one will be able to take from me. I would have met that challenge head on and alone with only God by my side and there's nothing better than knowing you're serving and if it comes to it, saving lives."

 "But even so, I do understand where Val is coming from.”

 “What do you mean?”

 “Well if I was in another country with someone as gorgeous and as perfect as you waiting for me back at home I wouldn’t want to be there either. But I’m fine. I have no one so it’s not a big deal.” Tobin reasoned quietly.

 Christen squeezed Tobin’s hand and leaned her head on her shoulder.  Tobin swallowed the lump in her throat shoving it down before she could let that proclaimation get to her.  _She had no one._

 Tobin had no idea that she would feel so empty and so alone after admitting that fact out loud. Of course she had already come to terms with this jarring truth. Had known for months.  Had pondered it in her broken heart and after keeping her head above the undertow of grief, had narrowed her options down to one.  She was broken and no doubt scarred for the rest of her life but acceptance was the only option she had and the Marines.  Who had time to think of how bad a girl you love fucked you over when you're getting aggressively fucked over in a physical  manner everyday at a frenzied pace?

 “Tobin, I wish someone good would come along and show you what real love is supposed to be like.” Christen said sadly and kissed the part of Tobin’s shoulder that was nearest her lips.

 “You’ve already shown me what real love is Pressy.” Christen smiled as she felt her stomach flip at the pet name.

 “You’re such a charmer Tobin.”

 “Yea yea.” Tobin joked.

 They slipped into a comfortable silence and then Christen spoke again. She spoke carefully as if she was second-guessing whether she should speak at all.

 “I’m going to Germany to visit Val for about a week after graduation.”

 “Huh.” Tobin huffed.

 (Tobin’s brain notes: It’s always the girl that doesn’t deserve it that gets a keeper like Christen Press. Unbelievable.)

 Tobin bit her lip trying to speak normally and without emotion.  She knew that the jealousy wasn't all aimed at Valerie.  It was more of a generalization. An ironic notion that Tobin wrestled with bitterly rolling it around on her tongue and wincing before she had to swallow it like a shot of cheap vodka.

 It hadn't been long since Tobin had wandered into the technicolor world of women but she knew that the percentage of top shelf women of all ages that dated women that weren't even on the shelf was overwhelming enough that it had to range in the high to mid 80s.  And Tobin's opinion of a shelf consisted mostly of merit and integrity and kindness.  Not money or bed post notches or even popularity.  Most popularity only derived from superficial shit anyway so that wasn't exactly a good indicator of moral fiber.  And the percentage of women that were top shelf quality was in the lower percentile margin so at 17 going on 18 Tobin was damn near at the edge of giving up hope.

 “Valerie is real lucky.” Tobin managed to get out in a near whisper. “Now I know why your mother is upset. I’m sure it makes her nervous that you’re gonna be traveling that far and to another country.” Tobin continued as if the information hadn’t affected her one bit.

 “Well yea I guess.”

 “What an amazing surprise that’s gonna be for Val. Who wouldn’t want a stunning soccer star to show up on their door step?” Tobin felt the words turning bitter so she laughed off her tone at the end to conceal it. If Christen noticed, she kept it to herself.

 

" _You're_  stunning Tobin. I don’t know how you’re still single. You’re not even interested in anyone?”

 (Tobin’s brain notes: Nice transition Press. Quick and subtle. She’s not our Valedictorian for nothing folks.)

 “Nah, I’m kinda with someone? But it’s no big deal. I know what she wants from me. You and the girls are the only women in my life that don’t expect something from me.”

 “You mean like…with with? Like you have a girlfriend?! How do I not know about this?! What do you mean you know what she wants Tobin? And who are we talking about here? Do I know her?”

 “I’m sure you know her Press. She’s a track, basketball and volleyball star. She’s our homecoming queen.” Tobin said dismissively making it clear that those details were not important to her.

 “WHAT! I…I HAD NO IDEA SHE WAS….OMG!”

 Tobin rolled her eyes because she knew this would be Christen’s reaction. To Tobin, Katelyn Sloan was just another girl that needed something from her. Another girl that was only interested in having her one time fling. That’s all Katelyn required of Tobin. And Tobin’s girl, so far, had only agreed to meet at night and the entire courting process had been done in secret.

 “Tobin Heath you are a stud! OMG…you know every guy in the school wants her right? She’ll probably be our prom queen too. You should be her date! Tobin that would be so cute! You have to ask….”

 Tobin cut Christen’s rambling short by placing two fingers over her lips. 

 (Tobin’s brain notes: Why do I really want to kiss her right now? Be honest with yourself Tobin. You’ve always wanted to kiss her. No, no I can’t. I have a girlfriend and I can’t handle rejection today.)

 “What were you thinking of just now?” Christen softly asked. Tobin couldn’t be sure but she thought she saw Christen’s eyes shoot down to her lips.

 (Tobin’s brain notes: Nothing, I just want to kiss you and I'm not even sure if its because I have actual feelings for you that I've been denying or if I just want to feel like I matter to someone.  Maybe its both?)

 Tobin shook her head in an attempt to clear all the thoughts running through it.

 “I was just thinking of my situation and how stupid it is.” Tobin lied easily. She was getting way too good at that. The unfortunate inevitable result of someone that is forced to live a lie on a daily basis.

 “She doesn’t want to be seen in public with me Press. This whole relationship has been in secret. I sneak out every night just to hang out with her. She acts like she really likes me but I think she just wants to have sex….like a lot.”

 “Wow…Tobin…” Press’s voice was quiet and solemn. She grabbed Tobin’s shirt at the waist with both hands and pulled her body toward her so she could wrap her in a hug. Tobin continued explaining the situation.

 “There are so many girls in this school that only want to experience it. They want to know what its like.” Tobin said as her voice grew quieter. She reciprocated the embrace by wrapping her arms around Christen.

 “Tobin…” Christen said into Tobin’s chest where she had laid her head down when she hugged her.

 “It hasn’t happened….yet.” Tobin said turning her head away from Christen. It had become very awkward to meet that steady gaze when she was admitting the truth and she didn’t want Christen to look at her.

 (Tobin's brain notes: But its only a matter of time.)

 “Are you ready for that Tobin? I know it means a lot to you.”

 Tobin let out an exasperated huff.

 “It meant a lot to me when I wanted my first time to be with Alex. This is different. I'm just playing my part. She wants it and that’s all I know. Alex doesn’t and she doesn’t give a fuck about me either so it doesn’t matter. I care about Katey and I respect her. I will respect her when and if we are intimate. I just don’t feel the same respect coming from her.”

 The dejected and shattered sound of Tobin’s voice broke Christen’s heart. Christen let go of Tobin’s body and lifted her hands to her face. She gently pulled Tobin’s face so she could meet her eyes.

 “You are worth more than any homecoming queen’s unimportant sexual desires. You are more than just a pretty face and talented athlete. You are more than any words I can put together even if I was a poet. Don’t ever do anything you don’t feel like doing. Don’t ever settle for anything less than what you deserve.”

 “What do I deserve Christen?” Tobin asked softly. Tobin couldn’t stop herself from looking down to Christen’s lips. They were so close in proximity.

 “You deserve the world Tobin.” Christen said without skipping a beat.  "And what was done to you by the one person you loved unconditionally was not right and it definitely was not what you deserved. I hope she finds out about Katelyn and I hope it devastates her because it should."

 Tobin shook her head laughing slightly.  "Who knows what she knows Press!  And if she does, who knows if she really cares.  Even if I could speak to her whenever I wanted I'm pretty sure she would feed me whatever she thought I wanted to hear."

 Christen took hold of TObin's hand and continued walking in the general direction of her mother's classroom.

 "You mean your mom?  She still has you in a makeshift prison?  NO phone and no out of school hangouts?"  Tobin nodded biting her lip.

 "And Alex? When was the last time you two spoke?"

 

At this Tobin let out a sharp barking laugh.

 "You were there Press you just didn't know it and we didn't even speak so I guess that doesn't count.  Depends how you look at it."

 Marta had accompanied Alex to a volleyball game at an opposing teams school. Emily's 2 yr old daughter had also been in tow and they sat in the bleachers together looking like a happy little unconventional family. Tobin had met Emily’s daughter once. It was hard not to fall in love with her cute little face. Christian and Alex were inseparable and Alex had proven to be really good with her.

 Marta and Alex were clearly arguing the entire time before the varsity game started. Pinoe, Press, Ashlyn, Ali and HAO had witnessed it and were reporting all the activity to Tobin even though she wasnt inquiring.

 “They’re fighting because Alex keeps staring at you dude.” HAO said laughing and tugging Tobin’s sleeve.

 Tobin’s attention was solely on the court and the Kennedy JV squad that was currently ripping the home team apart. She had consciously kept her eyes away from that area. Not only to avoid drama but to avoid seeing any PDA between the two.

 “Shutup, that’s not true dude. Don’t tell me that. It fucks with my head.” Tobin said in a hushed voice keeping her eyes locked on the court.

 “It’s true Tobin. I don’t blame her. You’re hard to miss.” Christen said leaning into Tobin and giving her a tight sideways embrace.

 Tobin scoffed and grinned as she turned to look at Christen. Christen was still holding her and this simple movement caused their noses to touch slightly. They both burst out laughing.

 “Oh you want eskimo kisses Heath?!” Christen burst out between her laughter causing a few people to turn and stare.

 Ashlyn confirmed later that one of those curious onlookers was Alex. If Tobin wanted to look at Alex she would have had to completely turn around since the 3 of them had taken seats near the top of the bleachers and Tobin was sitting with the varsity squad at the bottom.

 Christen leaned forward and rubbed her nose a few times with Tobin before they both began giggling again.

 “Get a fucking room you two!” Pinoe said rolling her eyes and gagging.

 “Shut the fuck up.” Tobin replied shooting Pinoe a pleading look which Pinoe deflected with a nonchalant shrug.

 Tobin didn’t want Christen to ever feel uncomfortable being affectionate or friendly with her. She didn’t want her friends teasing her or making jokes that would even hint at her sexuality because Christen wasn’t confident enough just to be out and be herself. At least not yet. Until the day Christen decided to come out on her own, Tobin wanted her to be respected.

 Tobin got up and made her way down the bleachers to the locker room to use the bathroom with a “Be right back,” as her explanation. When she emerged to head back to her seat, Marta was posted up near the entrance to the gym carrying Christian.

 (Tobin’s brain notes: Oh this bitch.)

 Tobin walked by completely ignoring her once good friend.

 “Hey you fucking psycho, have you been bothering my girlfriend? I know you can’t just let her go but she doesn’t want you anymore so just leave her alone ok….psycho?” Marta’s tone of voice resembled a school yard bully so closely that Tobin almost expected to see her sticking her tongue out at her.

 Tobin was almost able to ignore her but in the end it just came crashing down on her. She could easily even the score by alerting Marta to the fact that she could’ve slept with Alex if she wanted to. Or even that every encounter they’ve had since they started speaking again had ended up or consisted solely of heated make out and cuddle sessions.

 Alex was cheating on Marta but what good would that information do? Did Tobin really want to be Alex’s choice by default? Did she really want to carry on a relationship that was built on a foundation of deceit and cheating even though it wasn’t being done on her part? No…so she kept this information to herself. But it didn’t mean that it wasn’t funny to her.

 Before Tobin could reply she turned and bellowed out an amused gutteral laugh. 

 “You are so fucking pathetic. Just when I think you couldn’t get any lower. You’re such a dirty fucking rat. You talk shit to me while holding a small child in your arms. What a fucking douche.”

 Tobin was bothered and angry but the sight of Christian’s little face, innocent and unknowing just brought on a whole different level of pissed off. Tobin knew she had to walk away. The last thing she needed was for anything more to go down in front of the baby. Even if it was just more bad language. Kids are like sponges after all.

 “Fucking pussy.” Tobin spit as she turned to walk away.

 She got two steps into the gym and saw Ashlyn walking toward her before Marta’s words stopped her.

 “She came to me because you couldn’t satisfy her Heath. She came practically begging for me to…well…to give her what you couldn’t. She came. Over and over again and she’s hooked. She doesn’t love you. She never did. Gain some experience youngin and maybe next time your girl won't stray."

 Ashlyn caught the end of Marta’s sentence and saw Tobin’s face contorted in a blazing and dangerous expression that Ashlyn had never seen before. She lunged forward and grabbed Tobin before she could even turn around. Tobin was enraged but she hadn’t planned on striking Marta when Christian was in her arms anyway. She twisted her head to look behind her.

 “Oh look at your fucking friends having to come rescue you from doing something psychotic as usual. Shit Heath you're such a loser.”

Before Tobin could speak up Ashlyn let her go and faced Marta.

“Oh you’re real big holding the baby. Why don’t you pass her over to me and we’ll see who the real loser is. One on one. Fair and square. I won’t help Tobin at all.”

 Ashlyn said lightly and calmly her dimple making a slight appearance when she flashed her winning smile. She put a hand on her friend’s shoulder and gave her a little pat.

 Marta was silent. Tobin could see the fear start to creep into the expression on Marta’s face. Rising up onto her plain dark features revealing the cowardice that had been there all along. This thoroughly confused Tobin. She had no idea why she would be scared at all. As long as she held Christian, she couldn’t be touched.

 But Tobin knew that Ashlyn was intimidating. It was her presence and confidence and yes, it was also her size. Ashlyn spent countless hours lifting and Tobin was witness to that. She not only had strength but endurance and explosive power. She would definitely pull a ‘one hitter quitter’ on Marta if she had the chance and then it really hit Tobin.

 (Tobin’s brain notes: She thinks we’re as disgusting as she is. That we would actually hit her even while she held the baby because that is no doubt what she would do in the situation. Fuck, Alex really got herself a winner there.)

 “What do you think about that Marta? You’ve always had a big fucking mouth and today you get to back it up.” Tobin could feel the tension in Ashlyn as she squeezed her shoulder with her right hand. Marta had managed to piss Ashlyn off as well.

 (Tobin’s brain notes: Jesus Ash don’t dislocate my shoulder. Fucking GK hands.)

 Just then, Alex came flying in the middle of the confrontation using her body as a baracade between the two parties.

 She looked back and forth between her girlfriend and her ex. When she looked toward her girlfriend, the baby reached out for Alex to take her.

 “Oh look, we can just have your girlfriend hold the baby. Just in time Lex.” Ashlyn sang brightly.

 “Ashlyn no. Just, no.” Alex turned to look at Marta and neither Tobin nor Ashlyn could see her expression. All they heard was “Let’s go.” The couple began to walk away.

 Before they could get too far Tobin spoke.

 “Don’t ever speak to me again you piece of shit unless you have the courage to back it up.” Tobin’s voice was uncharacteristically gritty. Ashlyn looked over at her with a comical expression of surprise.

 Alex kept walking and pushed Marta along in front of her. She turned and gave them both an apologetic look as she mouthed the words “I’m sorry.”

 "Yea I had no idea what was going on except that you were distant and short with everyone all the way up until we played that day."

 Tobin nodded sadly looking down at her feet as the two teenagers stopped in front of the chemistry classroom her mother was lecturing in.

 "Tobin I feel like your situation is almost like a trick of the eye. Like an optical illusion for your heart. I'm assuming that the person, the face that Alex shows the outside world is a well groomed mask and with you she actually took it off."

 Tobin looked up into her friends eyes attentively listening and nodding for her friend to continue her explanation. 

 "Well, for us on the outside...Alex is...well a bitch...."

 Tobin laughed heartily at her friends uncharacteristic use of a curse word. Before she could say anything Christen shook her head.

 "Wait Heath, let me have my say and then you can tease me when I'm done."

 When Tobin nodded still smiling Christen continued.

 "It's easy for us on the outside to see Alex as manipulative and cold hearted and selfish but none of that matters to you because the face behind the mask is burned into your brain and that's all you can see. It haunts you. But have you ever considered the possibility that what Alex shows you is the actual mask and what she chooses to show the world is the REAL face?"

 Tobin stared at her friend eyes squinting as she pondered Christen's philosophical analysis.

 "All I know is that you're amazing Tobin. And beautiful and strong and kind and brave and any girl that knowingly messes with your head after you've only loved her unconditionally is not worth attending a masquerade ball everytime you're around each other."

 "Well fuck Dr. Press, how much do I owe you in fucking psychologist fees??"

Christen lifted a hand and lightly smacked Tobin’s cheek. Tobin’s eyes widened and a shocked expression tinged with a smile she was trying hard to suppress covered her face.

 “What the…you slapped me! What was that for?” Tobin exclaimed.

 “Ugh Tobs, you love the “F” word so much…Why?” Christen asked scrunching up her nose in the most adorable look of disgust known to man.

 “Oh I don’t know it just feels so good to say it. Maybe it will feel good to do it too. I guess I’ll have to wait until Katelyn jumps my bones to find out.”

Tobin was barely able to get the end of her sentence out before she began to laugh and Christen began to deliver large stinging swats to Tobin’s arm.

 “Ow, ow ok I’m sorry. It was funny though. You have to admit that! Besides you're a hypocrite! You just said the word bitch a while ago!”

 Christen had a smirk on her face that she just couldn’t hide.

 “I have no idea what youre talking about Tobin but you are so grose. Good thing I love you.”

 “Yea, good thing. You have a pretty strong arm. I don’t even want to know what it feels like for someone you hate. And don't think I'm just gonna forget your little slip up.”

 Christen rolled her eyes and gave her friend a long tight hug as she whispered one last message in her ear.

 "One day there's going to be a woman that takes her real face to the masquerade ball and you will be the only one that can see her. And her TRUE beauty will leave you breathless because when you look into her eyes her soul will be there and you will both know that the time has finally come for you both to get lost in each other."


	21. Her First No Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one more chapter for me to post after this one and if you've never read this before then you're reading all of it for the first time so the fact that I split one chapter up into 3 instead of posting one huge chapter the way I did originally will not be a big deal for you. You haven't read any of it. For you who are reading this over again, I wasn't satisfied with the way I ended this second part the first time it was posted so I changed it around a bit and took some details out I didn't think were important. Adding some that I did think were important. It has taken me a little longer to do this because I have to connect with the person I was at 16 17 18 19 years old every time I sit down to write. Some days that is very easy but lately it hasn't been. So here is something a little different for some and a lot different for others. Thanks for reading.

"Hey Tobin, are you coming over tonight?” Katelyn whispered in class a week later.

Tobin had been over to her girlfriend’s house every night that week and stayed until morning. The sleep deprivation was catching up to her teenage body and she had begun to use her free period to sleep in the locker room. She was lucky none of the coaches had caught her so far.

“Katey, I need to catch up on my sleep hun. Maybe next week. I’m exhausted.” Tobin replied voice scratchy with exhaustion.

“Ummm are you sure you don’t want to come over? I really want to…well I really want you tonight.”

The second part of Katelyn’s sentence was whispered lightly so that no one could over hear them. Katelyn’s world would end if anyone found out that she had officially been dating a girl for about a month.

“I’m sorry sweetie I didn’t catch that last part.” Tobin replied tiredly rubbing her eyes.

Katelyn tore a piece of notebook paper out of her spiral and began furiously scribbling.

When Tobin took the paper from her hand she took a few seconds to focus after rubbing her eyes.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Damn her handwriting sucks. Let’s see…. ‘I want you inside me tonight.’)

Tobin was suddenly wide-awake. She sat up in her desk and took a quick paranoid look around the classroom feeling as if all eyes were on her and everyone knew what was written on the paper. Tobin shot a look at her girlfriend sitting next to her.

Katelyn was easily a high ranking stunner.  She had a toned athletic body and bright smile.  Katelyn had the right amount of femininity and strength. She was funny and loud and everyone in the school loved her. But what Tobin was attracted to the most was her strawberry blonde hair and green eyes. She was one of a kind but also looked nothing like Alex. No resemblance to relentlessly taunt her. The fact that Katelyn could have anyone she wanted was a little intimidating to Tobin in the beginning but what eased her stress was their friendship of 4 years.  It was difficult for Tobin to transition from seeing Katelyn as just another teammate and friend to the hypersexual being that she was.   

She was fond of the teenage queen but the relationship for Tobin had always been more of a challenge than a happy union.

A challenge against her mother's unyielding rules and narrow minded attitude.   

And despite her mother’s efforts she was still seeing and talking to girls but the most relevant point about that was that Tobin was still very interested in girls and women as well. The challenge was to continue this affair for better or worse right under her disapproving mothers nose.

 Tobin furrowed her eyebrows and whispered, “Are you sure?”

Katelyn smiled and bit her lip as she nodded her head in the affirmative.

(Tobin’s brain notes: I'm never gonna have Alex again.  Its time to stop kidding myself and face the music.  If not because she won't leave her girlfriend, because I can't really trust anything that comes out of her mouth.  At least someone wants me even if I'm not in love with her and she's not in love with me.)

Tobin’s heart sank at the thought but she threw out a half-hearted smile and agreed.

*******************************************************

Tobin’s first sexual experience was not special or memorable at all. It wasn’t beautiful or prolific or life changing. It wasn’t even breath taking or intimate. It wasn’t what Tobin expected, but nothing really ever turns out as we expect does it?

Fumbling and feeling and learning in the darkness of those four walls.  Tobin concentrating so hard on her performance that she barely registered that her girlfriend wasn't kissing her or embracing her.  She was pretty sure that Katelyn didn't even look at her for the first hour or so.  The homecoming queen was needy and impatient and very expressive with her body.  Physical satisfaction was all she craved and all Tobin stood to gain from all of it was getting good at something done in bed behind closed doors that should be expressed with a great deal of emotion and meaning.  And so began the arrangement that would send Tobin into a dark state of mind. 

Sometimes, a person doesn't realize in the moment what something will do to them in the future.  They don't think of consequences because they aren't aware there are any.  Tobin never stopped to consider what psychological impairments she would cause for herself in the future just by doing what some teenagers find not only pleasurable but normal and even necessary to learn about certain facts of life.  There are so many experiences that are glorified in society on and off the big screen and most go on living so long believing only what they see and that leaves the brain warped.  And then on the other hand, sometimes reality comes way too soon.  Having a sexual arrangement with a partner is not something one would usually consider doing when they are so young.  But this is what Tobin's experience turned into so quickly that she hardly had time to realize it let alone decide if it was a good decision.  She had gone into this situation agreeing to a "sex only" arrangement clothed in a façade of a real relationship and it was poison.

Tobin was numb to it all.  To the signs she was being used.  To the snickering "friends" who would show up late at night laughing at Tobin's bike on its kick stand outside Katelyn's house as she spoke with them on the sidewalk.  Tobin watched from the window.  She knew full well what they were laughing at.  Could even hear them faintly from where she stood stalk still looking through the slits in the blinds so that they couldn't see the blinds moving and know she was watching.  What was a dig at riding a bike across town to meet with her girl going to do to her ego now?  How could that be any worse than all the other mess floating around the air like a thick veil of smog?  "What the fuck did it matter."  "Fuck it."  "Who the fuck cares."  And "Get the fuck out of my face."  Were just a few sentiments that were the normal thought process for Tobin on a daily basis.  She was floating along.  She was biding her time.  She was not there.  A shrug of the shoulders and another day.  Making love without the LOVE got to be the norm and little did she know it was slowly destroying her.

Tobin listened to Katelyn and paid attention to the effects each touch had on her body. Tobin was eager to learn.  She felt useful when figuring out how to make the teenager beneath her have orgasm after orgasm.  Soon it just became one big never ending game.  How many times can I make her have an orgasm in one night?  How many different ways can I do it?  How long would it take for me to perform orally in order to have a sore tongue the next day?  It got to be a game of numbers.

When it came to the issue of Katelyn topping Tobin, well it really never was an issue. Tobin never wanted to be touched and Katelyn never seemed to want to touch her. Tobin left her brain on the doorstep every time she went over to Katelyn’s. She didn’t need any unwelcomed thoughts ruining her night and turning her into a pile of tears and pathetic whimpering. No brain notes allowed in the bedroom.

But every morning she climbed back into her window after riding her bike for 6 miles to and from Katelyn’s house and cried for the hour and a half before she had to start dressing for school. She mourned for everything she had lost. She mourned for the love of someone she wished she could be sharing all the intimiate facets of her soul with instead of the farce that was her nightly routine. She mourned for the love that once was but some days she just wondered if it was ever real to begin with.  She began to theorize that it may have been all in her head.  Wanting one girl so badly that everything after the initial crush on Alex's end was imagined.  Glorified and magnified by the heart that had truly fallen and manipulated by the heart that was only seeking attention that comes with adoration.

Mid way through, Tobin had come to terms with what her relationship with the homecoming queen really was. She was being used. The sad truth about the whole situation is that she just didn’t care anymore. She was an empty shell.

This was Tobin’s routine for a month of her senior year of high school. Sex had become a thing, not an experience. It had become a game, not a feeling. It had become just another activity she had adapted in order to get rid of the pain. Like smoking or drinking or doing drugs, this activity was hazardous to Tobin’s health. Her mental health. Tobin was slipping.

Despite the emptiness, Tobin carried on with her relationship giving 100% of herself. This was the first time she was able to really date a girl and she was taking full advantage of that as best she could under the circumstances.

She showered Katelyn with little gifts and notes. On several occasions, she bought her girlfriend flowers and put them in her bat bag to carry on her back as she rode her bike over to Katelyn’s house. Katelyn was always thankful and even giddy and this always made Tobin happy. She was a pleaser after all and Katelyn was her girl.

On Valentine’s day she bought a bag of jolly ranchers and tied a tiny note to each individual piece of candy. Tobin wrote out a total of 25 things she really liked about Katelyn or little sweet inside jokes they had developed over the years they had known each other. Tobin had befriended Katelyn since freshman year so she had plenty of great memories to choose from. Tobin wanted her to smile every time she opened a piece. She bought a small white teddy bear holding a heart to go with the bag of candy. She left it in Katelyn’s locker in the morning with a small note to describe what was in the candy bag.

And soon Tobin found out that Alex knew about Katelyn after all. Tobin became aware of this one weekend when she accompanied Oscar to a house party and not only was her current girlfriend in attendance on the arm of a football player but her ex girlfriend was as well. 

As far as Tobin knew, Alex didn't know Katelyn.  She might have known of her but she had never formally met her.  Sometime during the night Alex found Katelyn on the makeshift dance floor in the middle of the living room and before Tobin could intervene in any way, she was left standing on the sidelines with everyine else gawking at the sexiest display she had ever seen up until that point in her 17 years. 

At first Katelyn wasn't sure which way was up. Wasn't sure why this gorgeous girl was grinding her firm ass right into her crotch. But Alex didn't mind helping her out of her daze by reaching behind her and yanking Katelyn's toned body against her back causing the teenager to close the distance bending over at the waist.

Katelyn didnt hesitate to grab Alex by the hips and grind along with her to the vibrating base of the song. Once the song was over Tobin saw Alex turn and exchange a few words with Katelyn pressing into her body to speal in her ear everytime she had something to say.

Katelyn looked a little confused but other than that their conversation and dance was over 

Later Katelyn would tell Tobin that Alex knew they were together somehow because after they danced she asked her how good Tobin was with her hands.

(Tobin's brain notes:  Of course she asked that.  Kate couldn't have made that shit up if she tried.)

Alex went on to tell Katelyn that she wouldn't tell a soul about their relationship but she was curious about Tobin because they were childhood friends.

Katelyn didn't tell Tobin what her response was.

Tobin didn't care enough to ask.

Alex had always been a pro at hiding whatever she was truly feeling and Tobin hadn’t really been able to read her over the phone or during their short encounters after the party. But their meetings had drastically changed since Katelyn had the official title of Tobin's girlfriend. Even if Tobin didn’t love Katelyn, she wasn’t going to cheat on her with the girl she really did love. Tobin was loyal and true even if she hardly ever received that in return. Alex was happy for her ex on the outside but Tobin had no idea what storm might be brewing on the inside. 

******************************************************

Time passed and Prom was fast approaching the senior class of Kennedy High.  To promenade.  To come together as one class one last time before splitting off into the world and for some, never seeing anyone of their class mates again.

Tobin knew she couldn’t take one of the most popular girls in the school as her date even if she was her girlfriend so she had already decided she would just go with her friends until the inevitable happened just not in the way Tobin expected.

Katelyn made it easy for Tobin to decide what her plans for AFTER the prom would be and who she would be spending that time with. 

Out of respect, Tobin had stopped seeing all the guys she had been stringing along when she began to date Katelyn in secret. Including her very adult yet very immature "boyfriend" Jay.  Once again she was floored at how determined he was to hold on to her. He had seen things that would have sent any other guy in the opposite direction but no. People see only what they want to see and they make themselves believe it. Tobin knew why her mother liked Jay so much. They were exactly alike.

Tobin felt relieved to be rid of the weight of all the added guilt when it came to the guys. Living her entire life in a series of untruths was baggage enough. 

But Oscar was different. Oscar happened to be Katelyn’s childhood friend and they still happened to be very close now as young adults. When she told Katelyn she was going to relieve Oscar of his boyfriend duties Katelyn pleaded with her not to.

"I feel bad Kate. I don't want to continue stringing him along while we are together. It's not fair to him and it's not right."

"Tobes, just please don't do it now. It's the end of the year and I don't want to hurt him and ruin all the fun he is supposed to be having like the rest of us! I mean, he's crazy about you! I don't want to be the reason his heart is broken!"

"I can't stay with him forever Katey!"

"I'm not asking you to! I just wish you could wait until we graduate."

"K you know waiting longer will only make things worse.  I know its not easy especially for you but it has to be done."

"I know.  This just sucks!  If you can't wait another month, at least give him enough time to find another prom date." Katelyn relented

"Ok that's fair. I guess I better do it asap then. No better time than now."

Oscar was indeed heartbroken and what made Tobin feel even worse was that he had asked her to the prom already and she had to turn him down. Tobin knew how it felt to have your heart broken and she wasn't surprised when Oscar asked her 

"What did I do wrong? I thought we were cool Tobin. We always had a good time. We never fought. Can you at least tell me what I did so I'm not going crazy trying to figure it out??"

Tobin did her best to deflect and explain that it was just her and she was an asshole and that was the best answer she could give. She hated that she had to lie to him. Her answer was shit and it didn't solve anything. She knew Oscar would still be miserable trying to figure it out. 

That night when she managed to get Katelyn to focus on something other than sex she told her what her plan was.

“Katey, I’m just gonna tell him you’re my girlfriend. I fucking hate lying to him. I don’t want to hurt him. If he knows that I’m a lesbian then he doesn’t have to feel like I rejected him just because he wasn’t good enough or something.”

“WHAT! No Tobin. You can’t out me like that! I’ll handle it. I’ll talk to him but I’m gonna do it on my own terms.”

"So you'll tell him we are dating and we didn't mean to hurt him?"

Katelyn nodded her head and aggressively pulled Tobin into her lips by the back of the neck. Tobin was midly shocked at her girlfriends strength and speed. 

When Tobin managed to once again get Katelyn at least at one arms distance so they could focus, she double checked that Katelyn was actually going to follow through.

"Promise me you will talk to him and explain that it's not his fault and why. Say you promise."

"I promise Tobin I promise really! Now stop stalling and fuck me!"

After Katelyn stepped up to the plate Tobin was sure she would take care of the precarious situation. She trusted her girlfriend.

And she did take care of it.

Katelyn had a talk with Oscar and told him that she had been dating and sleeping with Tobin. After she watched him cry pitifully for a while, she had sex with him.

Tobin thought that Katelyn had done a pretty bang up job of taking care of that indeed. And Oscar’s true colors came out the very next time Tobin saw him. If Katelyn didn’t want to be outed, Oscar sure didn’t give her a choice because in the end, HE outed her.

By way of yelling it down the hall way in school between classes when hundreds of students were bustling around gossiping and trying to get to their next block.

“Hey Tobin! I fucked Katelyn this weekend! That’s your girlfriend right? She wasnt a bad lay! Not bad at all. Thanks for that! Sharing is caring!”

Oscar and his lemmings made a ruckus that even a deaf man would’ve sensed.

Tobin clenched her jaw and kept walking until she found the locker room. She sat on a bench and thought hard about the situation. She left emotion out and just took her time digesting it. After thinking about it for a while she opened up the rest of her senses. She searched her heart and allowed herself to feel sad or betrayed or hurt. But all she came up with was shock, embarrassment, irritation and anger. No sadness or pain or even heartache. She decided in that moment that she really didn’t care but she refused to be disrespected.

She stayed in the locker room until school let out and all the athletes started to pour in, including her girlfriend.

As soon as Katelyn made eye contact with Tobin she knew something was wrong.

“Can I talk to you for a second Kate?” Tobin said. Her tone indicating that she was not pleased at all.

Katelyn was nervous and scared but she agreed. Tobin lead Katelyn out the back doors of the gym into the gym parking lot so no one could hear their conversation.

“Just wanted to let you know that this…” Tobin pointed a finger at Katelyn and then at herself.

“…is over. If you wanted to fuck Oscar or be with him all you had to do was tell me. You didn’t have to go fuck him while you were still dating me. Come on. I know what this was but that’s just disgusting.”

“Tobin…let me explain.”

“Ok then…explain. What happened? You fell on his dick? Fuck!” Tobin wasn’t particularly hurt but the embarrassment and disgust was starting to get to her.

She was used and then made to look stupid by this girl when she could’ve just been honest with her. But why would Katelyn want to do that? She had the perfect situation. Tobin was there to give her attention and sex whenever she wanted it. Tobin never complained about their relationship being so secretive and she required nothing from Katelyn. Why would she want that to stop?

“I talked to him and I told him all about us. I told him everything Tobin. He really loves you.”

Tobin burst out laughing. The laughter wasn’t bitter or sarcastic it was real. Just the thought of a guy that she had just witnessed outing them both in the hall way was actually capable of truly loving her was just too much.

“Oh yea, he loves me so much K.” Tobin continued to laugh and shake her head.

“Listen to me Tobin.”

“I’m all ears honey.” Tobin said lifting her arms out to the side, palms up as her chuckles tapered off.

“He was so heartbroken and he cried and one thing led to another. I felt so bad for him.”

“Oh… I see. Is that what you and I were too? Just a charity case? I don’t know what’s worse. You using me for sex or giving Oscar a pity fuck. Either way this was a mistake. Take care.” Tobin said as she walked back into the gym ignoring Katelyn screaming for her to come back.

**********************************************

“Damn dude. Sorry Katelyn turned out to be such a whore.” Pinoe said the next day at lunch while they all stood in a circle. The whole crew was present minus Christen. She had been working on decorations and ideas with the prom committee. She had decided to run for prom queen after all.

“Eh, whatever dude. It’s done. What else am I gonna do? At least I didn’t do her after she fucked him.”

“Ughhh, Tobs…fucking grose!” Pinoe said sticking her tongue out and gagging.

“Yea, not really interested in tasting his dick. If I really wanted that I would just blow him.” Tobin said her face contorting in disgust.

“That was the nastiest thing I have ever heard you say Tobin.”

Sydney said with a mixture of disgust and amusement. Tobin didn’t even know Sydney was listening at all since she had been so entranced with Kristie who was standing next to her on the other side of the circle.

"Well look who joined the living!" HAO remarked sarcastically.

Tobin laughed at the lovesick puppy dogface HAO was making at Sydney.

“Whatever Syd. What does it matter? Its not like I’m a fucking Miss America contestant.” Tobin said shrugging her shoulders.

“First question for Miss California. Mrs. Heath, how would you describe your ideal relationship?”

Pinoe said making her voice deep and smooth like a radio tall show host and holding up a pen to Tobin’s mouth so she could speak into the imaginary mic.

Tobin batt her eyes dramatically and took the pen from Pinoe’s hand.

“Well Miss Rapinoe…” Tobin delivered in her best breathy Marilyn Monroe impression. This alone had the group of friends wailing in laughter.

“I would love a girl that is not a whore or a liar or a backstabbing selfish bitch. And it would really help if I didn’t have to taste a dude’s dick when I went down on her.” Tobin doubled over putting a hand on Pinoe’s back for support as the entire circle had a good long laugh.

“That’s disgusting but I have to admit it was funny.” Ali said shaking her head.

“Damn dude, my girlfriend really loves you. If I said something that disgusting I would be in the dog house for a week.”

“Shut up Ash. I can’t stay mad at my Tobito. She’s leaving us and I’m gonna miss her.” Ali said pouting adorably.

Ashlyn rolled her eyes. Tobin laughed and Pinoe smacked Tobin’s back.

“Damn dude… a fucking Marine!” Pinoe exclaimed her smile stretching from ear to ear. She had taken the back of Tobin’s neck and began to shake her good-naturedly.

“Tobs, you’re not scared to go? Those drill sergeants are…”

“They’re called Drill Instructors HAO.”

As soon as the group heard the correction they all raised their hands in the air simultaneously and rolled their eyes sarcastically.

“SOOOOORRRRRRAAAAAYYYYY!” They all yelled in unison teasing their seriously intense friend. They laughed good-naturedly. Tobin shook her head and smiled.

“Whatever you assholes. Get you’re shit straight and I won’t have to correct you!”

“But seriously dude, you’re not scared?” HAO asked again.

“No I’m not scared. I’m excited. There’s nothing like the feeling you have when you know exactly what you were born to do, you love to do it and you are going to succeed. It’s fucking awesome.” Tobin exclaimed feeling exhilarated at the thought.

“Well I admire the hell out of you skinny minnie.” Hope said displaying a smile of admiration that Tobin rarely saw unless Hope was looking at Kelley.

“Yea Tobs, we are really gonna miss you. You have to write to all of us. I don’t care how busy you are while they’re yelling at you.” Kelley said leaning into Hope’s side.

“I will I will. Don’t worry guys. Its only 3 months and then I can call you guys whenever I want. Its gonna be cool. All of you have to give me your college addresses so I know where to write.”

“Ok but Dude, you have to be on the bottom of the pile today. Don’t ask why. I just said you are and that’s it. It’s my parting wish. You have to do it!” Pinoe yelled as she pushed Tobin into the circle.

These were memories Tobin would take with her on the long flight to the other side of the country. These memories would be her saving grace.

**************************************************

Prom finally came and Tobin’s mother had gone all out. Cindy always relished the opportunity to dress her daughter up like her own personal life sized doll. Cindy had Tobin’s dress made especially for her. It was a lilac color that accentuated Tobin’s curves and her entire stomach was exposed.

The only thing on Tobin’s mind was the announcement of the Prom court. She knew Christen would win and she couldn’t wait to see how beautiful she looked with the crown on her head.

The prom was held at a venue by the beach and the night was warm with a light breeze. Perfect.

Lauren and Jrue, Ashlyn and Ali, Sydney and Kristie, Hope and Kelley, HAO and Andrew, Carli and Jared and Pinoe and Tobin all sat at a table together. Christen had a seat there but she hardly sat. She was the head of the prom committee and the class president after all so she had plenty to do.

Tobin wasn’t much for dancing but she got up a few times after Lauren and Ali pestered her. All in all, she was having a great time. She was at her senior prom, with her friends and she had just ridded her life of all the drama. She couldn’t help it when her mind wandered to Alex. What was she doing right now? Proms in the same district were never held on the same night so Tobin wondered if Alex was thinking about her. If she ever thought about her. If she woke up in the middle of the night with Tobin’s name in her mouth just as Tobin had done almost every night since that night on the beach.

She looked at her surroundings trying to find a distraction and her eyes fell on Pinoe. Pinoe happened to have her eyes locked on someone across the room. Tobin followed her line of sight and saw Heather Mitts sipping from a bottle of water and looking absolutely, break your neck stunning in a light blue evening gown. Tobin figured she had volunteered as one of the chaperones. Pinoe looked as if drool might drip from her mouth at any second.

“Dude, tone it down. Hey…Carrie don’t burn down the building!” Tobin joked tugging on Pinoe’s elbow to get her attention. Pinoe looked as if she was coming out of a vivid dream. The glaze in her eyes cleared slowly and then she was really looking at Tobin. Pinoe looked beautiful. Her blonde hair done up into a perfect "Pink like" hair style and her black dress hugging her body just right.

“Wha…what? Did you say something dude?”

“Yea, I said stop trying to burn up our soccer coach Carrie!” Tobin said laughing out loud.

Tobin expected Pinoe to be laughing right along with her but the seriousness never left her face.

“What the fuck is wrong with you dude?”

“She’s fucking gorgeous isn’t she? Can you tell how much she’s glowing? I can. I swear I’ve never felt this way before.”

Tobin smiled and internally battled with whether she should tease Pinoe relentlessly about what she had just said or she should try to comfort her. The look on Pinoe’s face made her decision for her.

Tobin rolled her eyes. “Yea dude, they all glow like that. They are all beautiful and breath taking and heart breaking. That’s what happens when you really fall in love. It’s a bitter sweet curse.” Tobin sighed as she thought of her own blued eyed catastrophic curse.

“No…I mean she’s GLOWING Tobin.” Pinoe repeated emphasizing the ‘G’ word and then letting her lost puppy gaze flit over to where the young coach stood again.

“You’re gonna have to stop speaking in code dude. I’m a little slow on the uptake?”

“Mittsy is fucking pregnant dude!”

“Holy shit! I had no idea! Wow, so obviously she’s not showing yet. Dude that’s cool! We should be happy right?” Tobin asked furrowing her brow and biting her lip trying to figure out Pinoe’s mood as she went.

“Yea sure we should if her husband wasn’t a male chauvinistic prick that treats her like shit. Now she’s tied to him forever no matter what!” Pinoe said sighing with disappointment. Tobin had never seen Pinoe do anything but smile, joke, tease or laugh. This was very odd.

“Hey dude, don’t worry about it. Mittsy knows what she’s doing. She’ll do what’s best for the baby and her family.” Tobin reasoned trying to ease her friends mind.

“Yea yea.” Pinoe said dejectedly.

Tobin reached out and gave her friend a tight hug. Before she could say anything else, the principal was on the mic informing everyone that the prom court was to be announced.

First the superlatives:

Most likely to succeed: Kelley O’Hara

Class Clown: Megan Rapinoe

Most Athletic: Katelyn Sloan

Cutest Couple: Lauren Cheney & Jrue Holiday

Most Creative: Tobin Heath

Most beautiful: Hope Solo

Most likely to become the President of the United States: Carli Lloyd

Prom Queen: Christen Press

Tobin’s friends were pretty shocked when they earned a superlative except for Pinoe. It was no surprise that she was the class clown.

They all congratulated each other and teased those that earned a superlative for their fantastic physical features.

“Too bad they didn't have a "best ass" award or my girl here would've definitely won!" Kristie said twirling her girlfriend around so the group could get a look at her gorgeous backside in her gorgeous dress.

“Don’t hate because she has such a sweet ass. I know Tobin and Ali and even Kelley have a nice little ass but no one tops my baby.” Kristie said proudly kissing Sydney on the cheek and looking at her adoringly.

“Hey since when are you checking out my girl’s ass?” Hope inquired furrowing her eyebrows dangerously at Kristie.

Kristie began to sputter under Hope’s glare. Hope was only able to keep up the façade for so long especially after seeing the comical look on Kristie’s face.

“Kristie don’t a lay an egg I’m just joking. If you’ve never noticed that she has a nice ass I’d say you’re blind...or you lie pathologically.” Kristie laughed uneasily which only resulted in Hope laughing even harder.

“Mmmm I’m glad someone finally proved that my girl is the most beautiful girl in school. Sorry Ash, I know you always said is was Ali but we all know its my baby. She only has the title to prove it.”

Kelley spoke never breaking eye contact with Hope. She caressed the well-defined jaw line of a girl she had loved for almost half of her life. She smiled whimsically and Hope turned her lips under her palm for a soft kiss.

“Uh I’m sorry were you talking to me? Cuz you’re not looking at me!” Ashlyn teased Kelley.

Kelley sat up as straight as she could in her chair to reach her girlfriend’s lips as she flapped her hand dismissively in Ashlyn’s direction. Kelley and Hope rarely broke eye contact the entire night. Everyone at the table could clearly see that they were truly non-existent to them.

"Ugh quit it you two you're gonna make me sick!" Sydney exclaimed throwing glitter from the table toward the defender and keeper.

"Hey hey now, the Commander in Chief wants all you guys to shut the fuck up and get on the dance floor now. Last dance of the night."

Carli yelled in a loud booming voice. When she took a quick look around the table at all her friends faces she felt tears prickle her eyes.

The couples, with the exception of Sydney and Kristie who had both been accepted to UCLA had each been accepted to a different college and when it came down to it they all knew what that meant. They would either work very hard to make their relationships work or they would have to end them. It was hard to imagine for the couples that had been in love for so long. Of course they were going to go the extra mile but they also knew that agreeing to a long distance relationship meant taking a huge risk. At this point in time it was a risk they were all willing to take.

Lauren had also been accepted to UCLA which happened to be the same university that Jrue was attending. Christen and Kelley would both be attending Stanford together.

Hope to Washington

Ali to Penn State

Ashlyn and HAO to North Carolina

Pinoe to Portland

Carli to Rutgers

And Tobin to the University of Hard knocks, Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island, South Carolina.

They all felt their time together coming to an end. They would never be there again. In that scene. In that environment when real world problems were miles away and the beauty of their young love and loyal friendship kept them sane and grounded. Where they felt at home. Things were changing and the seconds that were ticking away were driving them further and further apart.

They were all very aware that the time for their departure would soon be at hand. They felt the sinking feeling of loss and the conflicting feeling of excitement for their new journeys. They had already begun to feel the emptiness but they put those feelings aside for tonight. For one night. It was their prom and they would conquer the night together. One last time as the tight knit family they had always been.

“Christen come here beautiful. I knew you’d win. I have to give you my congratulations!” Tobin exclaimed once Christen was finally able to make her way over to the table after all the formalities of wearing the crown had been fulfilled. 

Later after all the crowds had dispersed and there were no drooling adolescent boys hanging on the Queens every word, Tobin would observe the brown sugary skin of her friend against the fabric of her dress and wonder how it must feel for the person that gets to be under her adoring gaze. 

Christen walked the small distance from her car to where Tobin and the rest of the girls stood around trying to figure out which after party they would be attending.

She walked right into Tobin’s open arms.

“Tobin…that dress…you look…” Christen couldn’t find her words. Of course she had seen Tobin inside on the dance floor and sitting at the table but now she was really seeing her. Her skin illuminated by the moonlight and her genuine smile giving the brightest stars in the sky competition.

“No Pressie, you are so gorgeous. Like…wow. I have no words.” Christen had worn a red satin dress with gloves that covered her arms from the elbow down. "You look like Princess Diana." Tobin smirked.

"Well thanks Tobs but I'm not that elegant." Christen said smiling shyly.

One of Christen’s friends who Tobin knew only as an acquaintance began to walk over to where they stood. Tobin saw her coming and assumed she needed to talk to Christen.

(Tobin’s brain notes: What’s her name again? Something with a C. Carol, Clarissa….Cr….Crystal!)

“Hey Tobin…I really like your dress. Its so unique and beautiful.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ok I guess Crystal came over to talk to me?)

Tobin smiled politely.

“Well it better be because my mom sold her kidney on the black market just to get it made for me. You know, anything to dress me up like her little doll.” Tobin joked causing the young brunette to laugh.

Tobin smiled and laughed along.

“Anyway, thanks Crystal.” Tobin said smiling again.

Tobin turned to look at Christen and saw a hint of a smirk on her face. The blue-eyed prom queen briefly looked from Crystal to Tobin and then shook her head.

“Soooo Tobes, are you going to Mike’s after party? I think that’s where we are headed. Stop by for a little just so we can hang out more?” Christen suggested adding a gorgeous smile to sweeten the deal.

“Uhh I don’t know where the girls decided to go yet but I think Mike’s party was one of the choices on the list.” Tobin replied looking behind her to her group of friends.

“Ok well we’ll see you there then.” Christen said winking at Tobin before turning around. Christen’s friend Crystal smiled shyly and waved before she followed.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Pfffttt straight girls.)

Tobin laughed and rolled her eyes.

The after party was packed and Tobin found herself separated from her friends after taking a bathroom break. She walked passed a staircase and heard a familiar voice calling her from above.

Tobin walked back and looked up. Christen was standing at the top motioning for Tobin to join her upstairs.

“Why isn’t anyone else up there Christen? Is this where you lure me in and then murder me?” Tobin said grinning as she walked up the stairs to meet the smiling prom queen.

“No crazy girl. I could never murder you. Just mess you up a little.” Christen laughed.

“And I’m not alone up here. Lauren and Crystal are with me. Lauren got something on her dress and we are trying to help her get it off.”

“Oh fuck no. L! Where are you? Do you know how much her parents had to pay for that dress?” Tobin whispered to Christen during their short walk from the stairs to the bedroom where Crystal and Lauren were puzzling over the stain.

“Tobes…look what some drunk guy did! He spilled beer on my dress!” Lauren exclaimed slumping her shoulders in the universal sign for ‘hopeless.’

“Oh babe I’m so sorry. What have you tried so far?”

“Just water and soap but that’s only because that’s all that Mike has. My mom is gonna kill me!”

“Don’t worry about it.” Tobin said as she knelt down next to Crystal in front of Lauren to examine the stain. It was fairly big. A little bigger than the size of a tennis ball and even after the wash with soap and water, it was still very noticeable.

“Were you going to stay with Jrue tonight?” Tobin asked forgetting that they were in mixed company and Lauren wouldn’t just let something that private out to just anyone. Christen was ok but not Crystal.

“I…uh..um…” Lauren cleared her throat and blushed.

“Nevermind, sorry.” Tobin mumbled giggling softly to herself trying to prevent the giggle from turning into a full on laugh fest. She felt it building in her stomach and throat and the look on Lauren’s face was priceless. Tobin turned away from her best friend and Crystal and tried to get her laughing under control but it was no use. She was shaking with silent bouts of laughter and her eyes were tearing up.

“Oh just give it up you asshole. We all know you’re laughing at me.” Lauren said laughing nervously and slapping Tobin’s arm.

“Sor…sorry…Babe. You …..” Tobin couldn’t finish her sentence and soon she had all three girls laughing.

Tobin stood up to catch her breath and lifted her arms slightly over her head. Her laughter had tapered off but she was still giggling. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.

“I was just gonna say that you can take it off and….I mean of course you’re gonna take it off I meant…fuck….” Tobin burst into another fit of laughter. The sexual innuendo would be evident whether she intended it to be or not now that Lauren’s intentions for the night were out in the open. Now every word out of Tobin’s mouth could and would be misconstrued.

Lauren stood up laughing and swatted Tobin’s arm.

“No! Ow, ow, I mean well I promise!” Tobin yelled laughing.

“I was just gonna say that he can take it to the cleaners for you and your mom doesn’t have to find out!” Tobin managed to get out between slugs and swats delivered by her best friend.

“Man you’re abusive! I’m gonna have bruises all over my body!” Tobin lamented sarcastically.

“You deserve it!” Lauren said laughing and giving Tobin one last swat on her ass playfully.

“Oh no, we wouldn’t want that.” Crystal said suddenly from where she stood behind Lauren.

“Whu…what?” Tobin said furrowing her brow.

Crystal walked over to where Tobin stood and Tobin could sense the immediate change in the atmosphere. It went from playful and funny to flirtatious and tense in a matter of seconds. The hungry look in Crystal’s eyes was enough to drive the point home.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Oh no…here it is. Straight girl crush. Or is it gay girl crush? This is confusing. She’s straight. Like straight straight so why is she looking at me like that? And why? Oh fuck…what is she doing?)

Tobin’s internal monologue was cut short when she felt Crystal’s small warm palm placed flat against her stomach. Tobin’s heart rate started to climb and she felt the blush creeping from her face to her neck as Crystal slid her hand down all the way to where the open part of her dress ended.

“Chris…Tobin has an amazing body don’t you think? Look at her abs. Mmmm.” Crystals eyes were dark and she was biting her lip. None of this was getting easier for Tobin. Crystal was attractive and she was making a face that Tobin had a weakness for. The lip biting face.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Why does every damn girl in the history of the world have to make that face? And at just the right moment too!)

Tobin looked over to Christen questioningly.

Tobin thought the look on Christen's face was odd.  She just could not place the emotion it was expressing. A mixture of shock, amusement and something else that Tobin just couldn't lable.

Lauren’s eye brows shot up comically and she raised her hands in the air walking away as if to say it was out of her hands and she wanted nothing to do with it.

Christen walked over and grabbed Crystal’s wrist pulling her away from Tobin.

“Uh, excuse her Tobin, she’s had a little too much to drink.” Christen said as she pulled Crystal away and lead her to sit on the bed.

“Yea well of course she’s had too much to drink.” Tobin felt frustrated and upset it seemed like as quickly as a flip of a light switch going from on to off. The fact that Crystal’s behavior could easily be excused because she had been drinking was upsetting. Although Tobin understood that Christen meant nothing by the explanation it still crept under her skin. And Tobin knew what a drunk girl looked like. Crystal was not drunk

“What?” Christen asked turning her back to Crystal on the bed to look at Tobin.

“She has to be drunk if she’s hitting on ME right? God forbid any girl in this fucking school find me attractive and actually want to BE with me and not just fuck me or use me or make fucking fun of me or string me along even though they're in a relationship. God forbid that any girl would ever want to have anything to do with me when they are sober.”

Every person present in the room knew that this now had turned into a rant not only about Christen repeatedly denying her sexuality and her feelings toward Tobin but a rant about every girl that had ever hurt Tobin up until this point in her life.

“Tobin…don’t. Not here.” Christen said giving Tobin a pleading look.

“Its cool. I didn’t want to continue the conversation anyway.”

Tobin walked down the stairs, pushed her way through the crowd and walked out the back door. She sat by the pool on one of the lawn chairs watching her classmates drink, make out and a couple that had been pushed in splash around in their eveningwear.

Tobin heard Christen coming before she saw her. Cheers and congratulations followed her wherever she went and it took her twice as long to get to where she was going.

Christen grabbed a chair and placed it next to Tobin before sitting down.

“I’m going to be honest with you about what just happened Tobin. Are you going to hear me out?”

Tobin nodded her head and closed her eyes as she felt Christen lay her head on her shoulder and sigh. Tobin could smell her sweet perfume and a hint of her shampoo.

“I didn’t want her touching you. It made me a little sick. I know Crystal and she uses people. I love her to death and she’s a great friend but she’s not good in a relationship. I don’t like to see any girl around you that I know will hurt you Tobin. It has nothing to do with what you just said up there. I know she’s attracted to you and she was attracted to you before she started drinking. The beer just gave her the courage to flirt with you.”

Tobin sighed and leaned her head over the top of Christen’s.

“I know, I just got a little angry there for a second. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“Are you going to spend your entire life apologizing for getting angry when you have every right to be angry about everything that has happened to you Tobin?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a walking talking fuck up Christen. I was born apologizing. Apologizing for being something I can’t help being. Apologizing for not following the crowd. Apologizing for being different. Apologizing just for apologizing too much.”

“Well Stop Tobin! Find your voice and when you do don’t ever look back. And don’t ever apologize for any of those things again.”

“I won’t on one condition.” Tobin said pausing to give Christen a chance to reply. She felt Christen grab her hand and interlock their fingers.

“Ok, what’s the condition.” Christen softly replied.

“Make out with me right now in front of our entire graduating class.” Tobin was joking but who ever really jokes anymore? We all know what jokes really are. Jokes are flirtatious advances. Jokes are candy-coated threats. Jokes are just a nice thick trench coat keeping the truth warm and real. Jokes are truth with a spoon full of sugar to help that bitterness go down. Mary Poppins knew her shit.

Tobin giggled a little giving Christen the cue that she could write it off as a joke. Christen squeezed her hand.

“I would make out with you if I was sure you wouldn’t fall in love but since I’m sure you will I have to pass. It’s unfortunate though. You have nice lips Tobin. Are they really as soft as they look?”

“I don’t know, you could just find out for yourself but I know that you’re really just scared that YOU will fall in love with ME.”

“Yea you’re right Tobin. I can’t afford to fall in love with you when you’re gonna leave. I guess I’ll never know how soft your lips are huh?” Christen picked her head up off Tobin’s shoulder and smiled biting a little piece of her tongue.  Tobin had always found this type of smile on Christen's face so ANNOYING because this expression right now not 3 to 7 inches away from Tobin's face just DID things to her body.

Tobin looked back wanting nothing more than to just forget about the consequences and steal a kiss. She leaned forward slowly and saw Christen’s eyes widen slightly. At the last second Tobin moved to the side and planted a kiss on Christen’s cheek. She let her lips linger there for about 5 seconds taking in Christen’s warmth and scent and smooth skin. When she pulled back Christen had her eyes closed and a ghost of a smile played on her lips.

“Now you know.” Tobin whispered.

***************************************************

Graduation came a few weeks later and Tobin sat right in the center of the seating area surrounded by her classmates listening to a speech that she would always regard as one of the best speeches she had ever heard. Maybe it was because it was her Valedictorian’s speech and maybe because her Valedictorian was also the prom queen. And maybe because the prom queen happened to be Christen Press and maybe she loved Christen. A little too much for just being friends with her.

Tobin could tell that Christen was trying to move her eyes around the group of her classmates while giving her speech but in the end she always landed back on the girl in the center.  The girl with the lips.  The girl with the biggest heart Christen would ever know.

“We all have a voice and no matter how big the world is and how many times you are told to stay silent, know that you’re voice deserves to be heard. All of our voices together as one because we are the future. We will forge on to fufill our souls deepest desires and our hearts greatest dreams. We will not stop.

‘A dream is like a river. Ever changing as it flows. And the dreamer’s just a vessel that must follow where it goes.

I will sail my vessel till the river runs dry."

Tobin had teased her about that lyric endlessly.  Of course she loved her fair share of Garth Brooks and his music in her opinion was timeless but she couldn't understand why Christen was actually including it in a very important speech.

"I know you like the song Tobin, but have you ever really LISTENED to it?  Come sit by me and I'll play it for you."  Christen placed her noise cancelling headphones over Tobin's ears after school one day in the locker room and then remembered something very important.

She leaned forward and gently lifted one side of the headphones up to tell Tobin, "Close your eyes."  Tobin shot her eyes to the right where Christen remained painfully close.  Christen laughed a little.

"Close them Tobin!  I can't believe you don't trust me!"  Tobin quirked an eyebrow and closed them.

From start to finish Tobin took in every word.  Every lyric and when the last note flowed through the headphones she opened her eyes and smiled.

"I'm not sure why you chose this song but between the two of us I gotta say it fits me the best."  Tobin smugly stated shrugging her shoulders.  She was joking of course and looking over to Christen's intoxicatingly gorgeous face she prepared herself for a debate but didn't find one.  Instead she saw a look that was the closest to pure adoration she would ever see on these particular features and watched the prom queen say,

"I agree Tobin.  I agree."


	22. The World We Used to Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of the 2nd part. The 3rd installment will be called "Watching War Made us Immune." I want to warn anyone who decides to continue reading that the next part will be something that has never been posted before so it will probably take me longer to post between chapters. Every chapter will be published as I write them just as the two installments were written when I first posted them. Once again thanks for reading and for you kind comments. I hope to see you all again.

Tobin’s last summer before dedicating her life to the government of the United States was filled with her favorite sports and her favorite people. She went camping with her family and spent as much time with them as she could.

She ate fatty, greasy, disgusting, unhealthy foods and gorged herself during every meal. She ate chocolate cake and candy left and right. She slept in for as long as she could and wrote and read and sang her favorite songs. Sometimes she stayed in bed all day in her pjs and only got up for meals and to watch movies with her dad. She went to the movies with her friends and sometimes pulled a triple feature in one day. She knew just enough about boot camp to know that she would be deprived of all these things once she stepped off that bus.

Her recruiter was a skinny gawky little guy with green eyes. Not an ideal looking Marine in Tobin’s eyes but then again she hadn’t seen many Marines except for the ones on billboards and commercials. And those were hand picked and lived their lives practically like robots.

Staff Sergeant Shane was polite and witty and very helpful when it came to recruiting Tobin. But then again, Tobin wasn’t hard to sign. She found him, not the other way around. SSgt Shane took her to group events that taught recruits in the delayed entry program some of the basics of marching and fun evolutions where a group of recruits would PT usually on the beach.  Tobin joined groups of other recruits for runs and a variety of fun little activities that mainly consisted of low crawling through sand while pushing a tractor tire in front of them or doing push ups on the shore when the tide was high. They weren’t yelled at or belittled just encouraged and motivated. Tobin loved every second of it. And even though these things weren’t as hard as what she would face in September, she was still being noticed by all the recruiters. In the Marine corps and pretty much every branch of the military, exercise and working out was always called PT.

During one of the tire pushes one day a large muscular Gunnery Sergeant kept pointing at her and yelling “This one is ready! This one is ready RIGHT NOW!” This just motivated Tobin to crawl lower, faster and push harder.

SSgt Shane tested Tobin by taking the Marine Corps PFT (Physical Fitness Test) and cutting it in half to ensure that Tobin could handle it. This would show him what level Tobin was on physically.

Crunches, 3 mile run and a hang on the pull-up bar that had to last a minute and 15 seconds. Tobin had always been an athlete so these things weren’t much of a challenge although she absolutely hated to run. If Tobin was a little weak on any event during her practice PFTs it was the running portion.

One day the SSgt sat her down with a phone and a phone book in the recruiting office. He told her that if she could get two of her friends to sign a contract that they would ship out with her and go through all the training together so they would never be alone. AND she would pick up another rank automatically once she got through basic training.

Tobin didn’t care much about rank or being alone but she knew who she would call first and she didn’t need the phone book to look this number up.

“Hello?”

“Hello may I please speak with Alexandra Patricia Morgan?” Tobin’s voice was official sounding and polite.

“Uh um…who’s calling?”

“This is the Marine Corps maam and we are offering Alexandra a chance of a life time. A chance that will transform her into a stronger person in body, mind and spirit. We are offering her a chance to be a part of an elite fighting force that is rich in history, honor and espirit de corps.”

“Oh really? Well what would Alexandra get out of all this if she decides to join?” Alex knew it was Tobin at this point and Tobin knew she knew. She could hear the smile in her voice. She could even see the smile. It was burned into her memory as if it were branded there with a hot iron laced with acid.

Alex’s killer smile, cerulean eyes and raspy voice were three things that Tobin had on a short list of things she could only describe as heaven. Unique elements that made up the love of her life. She would be in love with her forever.

“Well what more does she want maam? Isn’t the experience enough?” Tobin said making sure to sound horrified and offended.

Alex started to laugh and Tobin laughed along with her.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Man did I miss her voice and her laugh.)

“What are you doing Toby? Why are you calling me from a recruiting office? I was gonna hang up on you!”

“You would never!” Tobin said laughing.

“Well good thing I didn’t look at the caller ID because I wouldn’t even have answered.”

“You’re such an ass. Just say you have a full paid scholarship and a future in professional soccer and they’ll mark you off the list.”

“You should be marked off the list too Toby. Have you taken the oath already? Tell me you haven’t.”

“What do you care anyway?” Tobin snapped back more as a reaction than anything else.

She couldn’t stop herself from saying it. It flew out of her mouth and she pounded her hand on the desk in regret. This is not how she wanted this conversation to go. She didn’t want to argue with the girl she loves especially since her ship date was so close.

Alex was silent for a beat and then Tobin heard her sigh.

“I…I guess I just always thought you’d be in California. I always thought….”

“That I’d stick around just in CASE you wanted me?” Tobin’s voice faltered a little.

“I do want you Tobin!”

“Then why the fuck aren’t you with me Alex? Talk is cheap.”

“I love you Tobin.”

“Those are just words Alex! After saying them for so long and not backing them up, they just turn into words with no meaning!”

“You can’t say that Tobin! You know I love you!”

“I need more than that Alex. I told you I’d be doing this since we were kids. Don't you know by now that I always mean what I say and follow through?? I don’t know why it’s such a big fucking deal to everyone! I’m not the only kid that signed up and we aren’t even in the middle of a conflict!”

“I am proud of you Tobin. I admire you for taking that oath because I could never do it. I just don’t want to lose you!”

“You have a funny way of showing that.  And how could you lose me?  You chose not to be with me so that makes no sense.” Tobin said nearly whispering and trying to hold back tears.

“You are so fucking frustrating did you know that? You are confusing and manipulative and and…I don’t know! You could have me in a heartbeat but you’d rather be with someone else and yet I feel like that’s my fault! And now I feel bad because I’ll be leaving. I'm so fucking tired of carrying this burden! I won't do it anymore Alex. None of this was my fault and you are the reason we are not together. Not me or your girlfriend or my mom....it's you." Tobin seethed.

They stayed silent on the phone for a few seconds. Tobins adrenaline pumping through her viens. She wanted nothing more than to be loved by this monster on the other line and she hated herself for it.

"I’ll be gone for four years and you will be playing soccer sooner than later at the national level all while living with your girlfriend and ill be in South Carolina wondering what you are doing or if you’re thinking of me. I always wonder if you’re thinking of me.”

“Its probably because I’m always thinking about you Toby. I wish I could show you. I wish…”

“Things were different. I know. But we are gonna be wishing our fucking lives away because you are all I ever wanted and I just wish I could be that for you too.”

They were both crying and Tobin was angry that Alex could still get to her like this. That she could still influence her and that she still had Tobin wrapped around her finger. She still had Tobin’s heart.

“I shouldn't have called.  I should've known the conversation would go like this.  Whatever we had is over and we can't get it back.  You've made that clear.  Even if we could it doesn't matter.  Its too late now.  I signed an unbreakable contract.  So, I’m sorry I called and raised my voice. I’ll just leave you alone.” Tobin went for the button to hang up the phone but she heard Alex yelling her name loud enough for it to be heard even with the phone off her ear.

“Tobin?! TOBY? FUCK FUCK FUCK TOBIN!”

Tobin could hear the desperation in Alex’s voice. It touched her so deep in her heart that a fresh crop of tears began to form.

“I’m here.” Tobin whispered.

“Tobin! Fuck I could just slap you right now!" Alex shrieked.

"Don’t ever do that to me! I don’t ever want to end a conversation like that with you! I cant’ just call you whenever I want!"

Tobin wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She felt like a small child. So lost and helpless. Alex always had the ability to make her or break her and she had done both numerous times.

"I want to see you one last time. I have to. When do you ship out?” Alex pleaded.

She sounded as if she was all business now. She suddenly realized how precious time was. How easily Tobin could click the end button on the call and cut off the lifeline that had been so important to her for so long.

“September 23rd. I have a little less than a month.” Tobin already felt her heart fluttering at the thought of seeing Alex again. Her teeth began to chatter lightly.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Fuck I thought I got past the chattery teeth stage. I’m such a pussy!)

“Ok. I know it’s hard for you to arrange it so I understand if you say no.”

“Alex…ugh why do you do this to me? I feel like I do all this shit and none of it really matters. Like I just always feel like this is a one sided love. Like I’m giving it all and you are just tossing me a bone here and there to keep me happy. I feel used.”

“Tobin…no, there’s no way I could ever do that to you.”

Tobin sighed and rubbed her temple trying to coax an oncoming monster headache back into its cave.

“I’ll try my best. I always find a way don’t I?”

 Alex would always deny that she was using Tobin but there are so many forms of being used aren’t there. True love, affection and loyalty are hard to come by. For a soul as invested as Tobin, those three things were more valuable than gold.

*************************************************

Tobin lay on her back on Alex’s bed holding the girl of her dreams in her arms. Alex’s face was nuzzled into Tobin’s neck and every breath she took whispered softly against Tobin’s skin. Except for a few greetings and ‘I missed yous” they didn’t speak. They kissed occasionally. Always slow and deliberate. Always chaste and meaningful. They were trying to take in every detail, every second, every color and smell of this simple experience. They wanted this moment forever.

To a normal couple, cuddling in bed is an everyday occurrence and after a while it becomes routine. Not any less meaningful but comfortable and expected. Little details are over looked. Tobin figured that this is how Marta looked at cuddling with Alex if they cuddled at all. Tobin never asked about the intimate details of Alex and Marta’s relationship. For once, she just didn’t want to know.

For Tobin, this simple and tender experience was something that rivaled the best days of her life. Right next to holding her baby niece for the first time or meeting her hero when she was 11. These few hours were equivalent to a lifetime of love for the soon to be Marine.

Tobin’s heart thudded slow and hard against her ribcage. She knew that when she left that room that day that she might not ever re enter it again.

 

_**24 hours prior** _

 

“TOBIN! TOBIN WAKE UP! WAKE UP! THEY’RE ATTACKING US!”

Tobin sat straight up in her bed yanked out of a deep sleep. Her heart beat wildly in her chest and there was ringing in her ears.

(Tobin’s brain notes: Why the fuck are my ears ringing?)

The television in Tobin’s room was turned up to the maximum volume and in Tobin’s still incoherent state she felt like she was sitting in the middle of a battle zone. Screams, explosions and sirens blared like a Hollywood action blockbuster. But it wasn't a movie.  It was a real battle zone. Just not in Tobin’s room.

Tobin lifted her hands to her ears and made her way out of bed.

“MOM! Turn it down! IT’S TOO LOUD!”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Damn she doesn’t even like action movies!)

Tobin looked at Cindy and noticed that she was crying hysterically and her eyes had grown to the size of saucers. She was terrified. Tobin immediately went on the defensive.

“Mom what’s wrong! Why are you crying?” Cindy had managed to turn the TV down even though her hands were shaking so badly that she dropped the remote twice.

Tobin didn’t look at anything else once she saw her mother crying. And she never thought of looking at the television.

“Tobin….Tobin…you can’t. You can’t go. You have to stay.” Tobin barely understood her mother through the big hysterical guttural sounds pouring from her mouth.

“MOM! You aren’t making any sense! You’re scaring the SHIT OUT OF ME! What is going on!” Tobin pleaded. She began to feel angry and irritated which was her usual reaction to fear. She always wanted to know what she had to work with and find a solution so that she could distract herself from being scared.

Cindy couldn’t speak. She reached up, grabbed Tobin’s head with both hands and turned her face toward the television.

 

 

>  
> 
> **COURIC: We have the first shots, pretty shaky video, of that airplane that crashed shortly after the two planes crashed into the World Trade tower, at least we got the information, and after that other plane crashed into the Pentagon.**
> 
> **LAUER: In short, and you really can’t put this story into short form, this has been perhaps the most devastating day in American history in terms of terrorism. It certainly has been four separate attacks obviously coordinated, and coordinated fairly thoroughly. Two on the World Trade Center here in New York, one on the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., a fourth, the hijacking and crash of a plane as you just saw, outside Pittsburgh. Unclear now as to how many lives have been lost, but the numbers are bound to be staggering as the day progresses.**

 

The emotion that took precedent over any other emotion running through Tobin’s body other than shock was anger. Tobin had never experienced anger this immense in her entire life. Her hands shook and her stomach filled with a burning acidic mix that heated her entire body. It was more than an attack on her country. It felt more like an attack on her family.

“Who the fuck is doing this.” Tobin growled slamming her fist into the wall.

“Tobin…they keep saying its an attack on America. You know what this means right? There has to be a way out of it. You can’t go.”

Tobin turned her angry expression on her mother and then caught another swatch of voices floating out of the television.

 

 

 

> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: What happened? Tell me.**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: A big explosion happened. Some guy came out, his skin was all off. I helped him out, (UNINTELLIGIBLE). There's people jumping out of windows. I seen at least 14 people jumping out of windows. It's horrific. I can't believe this is happening.**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Anything else that you saw? Where you there for the second hit?**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. After -- about 10 minutes later the second building went off.**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Did you see it?**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, I saw it. It just blew up, a big explosion, people started running. It was just chaos everywhere.**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Were you there?**
> 
> **UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, I was right there. I was in the -- I was down in the basement, came down, all of a sudden the elevator blew up, smoke. I dragged a guy out. His skin was hanging off, and I helped him into the ambulance.**

 

Tobin felt sick to her stomach. Her anger had consumed her and she could barely hear anything anymore. She sat down on the edge of her bed and let out an animalistic sound that was a mix between anguish, anger and devastation.

She looked back over at her trembling mother.

“I’m going mom. And if I can manage it I’m going now. Where the fuck is the phone?”

Cindy began to cry harder and shake her head.

Tobin ran out of her room and grabbed the phone off the charger. She dialed her recruiter’s number and waited impatiently for him to answer.

“Tobin…calm down girl. Just breathe. We are gonna get them. Don’t you worry.” SSgt Shane had only known Tobin for 2 months but in those two months he had learned enough about her to not be surprised in the least bit when she was the first one of his recruits to contact him. And he knew she’d be angry.

“No SSgt, I need to ship out today. Like now. The sooner the better. They can't fucking do this to us. They won’t.” Tobin’s voice was low and animalistic as if she had failed to fully swallow a hand full of mud. The SSgt figured out quickly that Tobin’s mood was worse than he had originally thought.

She heard the SSgt laugh on the other end of the line and thought in her angry state that she must be hearing things.

“Are you fucking laughing right now?” Tobin seethed.

The SSgt cleared his throat immediately and stopped laughing.

“Hey killer, calm down. You will not miss a minute of this war. You will be there. You don’t have to ship out today. You have a few days left. Spend them with your family. Spend them with all the people you care about because believe me, you’re gonna need it.”

*******************************************************

“Toby?” Alex mumbled.

“Yes love?” Tobin sighed.

“I know your contract is signed and you already took the oath but if you hadn’t would you still go? Now that there’s gonna be a war?”

“Alex, you know the answer to that question.” Tobin sighed. “Of course I’d still go.”

Alex sighed and kissed Tobin’s neck.

“Can I tell you something?”

Tobin slid down so she was eye to eye with Alex. She reached out and ran her thumb over Alex’s lips before she kissed them.

“Of course. You know you can tell me anything.” Tobin said and kissed Alex again.

“I regret ever getting with Marta. I regret that I chose her and didn’t drop her when you first asked me to be with you again. I regret that I turned you down more than once when I know it took a lot of courage for you to put yourself out there after I hurt you so bad.  I regret all the stupid things I did and said that hurt you.  I feel so ashamed of how I treated you.  I regret that you’re gonna leave and I don’t know if I’m ever gonna see you again and I’ll never know what could’ve become of us.”

Alex’s eyes had filled with tears and her lip was trembling.

In the hours since she woke up to a battlefield on her TV screen and the hole in the center of her grew so big it turned into a sucking chest wound, Tobin had adapted a feeling of acceptance. Her purpose was clear. The United States hadn’t been involved in any major conflict since Desert Storm and it just so happened that she signed a contract that had set her ship date for the 23rd of September never knowing that she would land smack in the middle of what was sure to be a life changing or life giving experience.  If that wasn’t a sign that Tobin was just meant to be in the middle of a conflict then she didn’t know what was. She didn’t know if she was meant to die in the desert but if she was she was ready for it. She was at peace with it. She was sad that she might never get a chance to marry the girl she was currently holding or even have a chance to have a relationship with her but she truly believed that everything happens for a reason.

All that the 18 yr old California girl knew was that the hole that grew inside her needed to be filled.  It felt like a knife being twisted in the center of her heart over and over and over again.  The anger and the need to avenge overwhelmed any other emotion.  She had wondered all her life if there was such a thing as God sending a sign and she could honestly say now that God did everything but create fire in the sky and send a lightning bolt down to strike her on the forehead.

 

 

 

> **"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"  
>   **

 

Tobin smiled softly and gently wiped Alex’s tears away as she thought of her favorite line of scripture. “It’s all over and done with Alex and it isn’t good to dwell on the past. Just live in the moment, in this moment. I could stay like this forever.”

“Me too.” Alex whispered.

“I wish I could tell you everything I’ve ever hidden from you. All the feelings I’ve held inside but I don’t have to because everything is gonna be ok and you will see me again.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I actually don’t know if you’ll see me again.)

“And if this was meant to be then it will be.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: I might not make it out of the first convoy.)

“I just want you to know that I always imagined marrying you one day.”

“Yea?” Alex’s voice was shaky and her tears were falling in a steady flow now.

“Yea, I wanted to wake up to your face for the rest of my life. I wanted to take care of you when you got sick. I wanted our kids to have your eyes and your perfect smile and your amazing genes.”

Alex shook her head slightly and smiled sadly. "I always wondered about that.  A little girl with your tan skin and those lips that are so cute its hard not to stare at them."

Tobin smiled and continued.

“I wanted them to bug me in little voices to take them to the park over and over again so they could take shots at the goal. I wanted them to fall in love with the sport just like we did. I wanted to raise them with you because you are the most amazing girl I have ever known and you would be an amazing mother. I wanted them to learn from you and draw strength from our love. I wanted to give them an example of what real love is supposed to be.”

Alex began to shake with light sobs as she wrapped her arms around Tobin tightly.

"I used to think like that Alex.  Before I saw the truth.  And the truth is that I'm not sure you are the same person I thought you were before but I'm not sure I can fault you for that.  I don't think I'm the same person now that I was when I was a pre teen either."  Tobin paused as she watched Alex's face turn from devastated to confused.

"Don't get me wrong....or...well you can get me wrong if you like but for my sake don't.  I'm just being honest so don't get me wrong, I truly love you.  And not the love that all the girls at school dream about.  The love they see in the movies that have them making that stupid annoying fucking noise they make that I can't stand.  You know the one I mean right?  That "AAWWWW" sound?  Ugh geez I hate it.  I mean the unpretty kind of love Alex.  The love that is almost hate.  The love that makes me want to take you by the shoulders and shake you and scold you until you stop being so fucking blind!  I mean, life is so fucking immediate.  Like almost palpable as if its in the air.  Its almost as if you can touch it.  And if you can touch it then its fragile.  And it really is fragile.  I am here, right now Alex.  I have been here all along and now....NOW you realize what you should've done.  NOW you realize what you can lose.  I love you Lex.  Stupidly and blindly and fucking irritatingly but I'm leaving on a plane in a week.  And that plane could crash.  If it doesn't I will ride a bus to the recruit depot is South Carolina.  And that bus could flip.  If it doesn't, I will undergo the roughest training known to man for 3 months.  Traning with live rounds and live grenades and a very real gas chamber.  I may die during any one of those traning evolutions.  If I survive boot camp....I'm going to war.  And if I have any say I will get revenge for all the blood those motherfuckers spilled in an American city in the country I love.  Our country.  I'm going to war.  Now I don't believe I will be a casualty.”

(Tobin’s brain notes: Ha, I’m gonna die. I’m so dead.)

"But my point is, stop living your life like this Alex.  You will be a role model some day and you will forget you ever knew me or ever had a little insignificant fling with me if it even qualifies as a fling being that we never had sex.  But back to my point, you will soon forget the little....something or nothing.....you and I had for like a heartbeat.  But if you take anything away from this take this lesson.  Live your fucking life a day at a time, balls to the wall." 

*******************************************************

“Well at least you won’t die a virgin. Kate took care of that real good before she fucked Oscar”

(Tobin's brain notes: Fucking Pinoe always the one to point out the most important matter in this whole ordeal. What an ass.) Tobin laughed a little to herself before saying anything.

“Actually….no she didn’t. She never touched me. She never wanted to and I didn’t want her to anyway.” Tobin paced back and forth in her room with the phone in her hand periodically looking out her front window to see when her mother returned from the store.

“Stop fucking with me Tobin. There’s no way you slept with her as in being naked in bed with her for over a month and she never had the urge to touch you. Like in any way.”

“Pinoe, I swear on my life that she never touched me.”

“Well she’s fucking stupid then! She’s more fucking stupid than I thought! There’s no way I’d be able to keep my hands off you if I had you naked in bed!”

“Dude, shut the fuck up. Whatever.”  Tobin responded momentary looking away from the window distracted by the conversation.

“Tobin…I am dead serious. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? And that’s with clothes on! I can’t even imagine how much better you look naked!”

“WTF dude! Shut up!” Tobin said laughing. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her and Pinoe had never discussed their opinions about each other this way. It was amusing and Tobin had to admit to herself that it was also a little flattering. Definitely flattering but not anymore than any other friend that had an opinion. It just felt a little odd since Tobin had always seen Pinoe as more of a sister. She had never even explored the possibility that she was a hyper sexual being and that’s where she made a mistake.

Of course she thought Pinoe was attractive. All her friends were attractive. And with the exception of a few times she dreamt about Carli and Hope....just something about their domineering prescence that fascinated Tobin and subsequently got her wondering just how they would look and sound when they were completely vulnerable....and...ok maybe Kelley a few times too (ok so maybe it was a little more than a few times) Tobin had never seriously thought of any of her friends like that. And now this conversation. Tobin just didn’t know how to take it.

Of course Tobin thought of Christen like that all the time but that was different. Tobin and Christen had been in a sexually tense form of limbo for a while now and that always converted into vivid dreams and even daydreams.

And Alex never left her thoughts. The near sexual experience just made it worse.

“Dude you think too much and you don’t know how to take a compliment. You’re hot, you have a fucking beautiful smile and a sick ass body. I would be all over you if I had the chance.”

“Uh…ok thanks dude.” Tobin replied feeling a little awkward. "Hey I'll call you back my mom's coming in the drive way."

"Hey I'll see you tomorrow at the park dude bye!"

Tobin hung up and put the phone back in its place before Cindy could notice it missing.

(Tobin's brain notes: I'm a virgin. I really am a virgin. She's right. And I may just die a virgin. That really sucks.)

Tobin lay awake in bed for a long time that night thinking over the conversation she had just had with Pinoe.

***********************************************************

The next day Tobin opened her eyes with the soft sunlight creeping in through her shutters. She groaned and turned to look at her calendar. September 18th. Only a week left and she had an idea. She was nervous and scared but she kept reminding herself that she really wanted this.

She stretched deliciously under her sheets and blanket and felt the light friction of her bed warm body against the thread count. She sighed and stared at her ceiling for a while thinking of all the experiences she hadn't yet been able to partake in. She rolled out of bed and jumped in the shower. She would head out to the park in an hour and she needed to talk to her friend. One of her best friends.

When Tobin arrived at the park everyone was already kicking the ball around and taking shots at the goal. Perry had dropped her off and promised to be back in 2 hours.

Tobin approached her friends. The day was beautiful and the weather perfect. The ideal day for an outdoor activity. They all greeted Tobin with a wave or a hug and then the games were on.

Tobin threw all thoughts out of her head. This would probably be the last time she would be able to do this with her friends before her training and she wanted to remember how she fell in love with the game when she first stepped foot on the pitch. They laughed and competed and joked and teased. Dog piles were formed and extra hard slaps on the ass were distributed. Tobin took it all in. She inhaled the air as if the experience and all the light and laughter and love could be inhaled as well. Locked and sealed in time. Inside Tobin’s heart.

Perry came back early and brought pizzas. They all sat down on the grass to eat.

"Tobs, you should really cut back. I'm not sure you can afford to gain any weight on those bones before you take off. Might have to lose a few pounds." Carli joked.

"Oh My God shutup Carli before she wastes away!" Press said throwing a napkin at Carli and laughing.

"Actually I'm under weight. I think they have to make me eat twice as much once I get there!" Tobin laughed. "I've been eating really shitty though. Like really fatty foods. I guess its not helping me gain weight at all is it?"

"Hell no girl, looks like you actually might have lost more!" Sydney exclaimed. "Skinny bitch." She muttered laughing and shaking her head.

They all finished up and Tobin hugged each of her friends promising them that she'd see them again before she left. Pinoe approached with a big smile and a big hug lifting Tobin in the air.

"UUUhhhhh dude you are so fucking rough!" Tobin screamed as Pinoe squeezed her midsection.

"I'm trying to toughen you up for training Heath!" Pinoe said setting Tobin down.

Tobin caught her breath an then looked around before lowering her head and moving close to Pinoe's ear conspiratorially to show her that she wanted their conversation to be private. "Hey Pinoe, I need a favor from you." Tobin said feeling very embarrassed all of a sudden.

(Tobin's brain notes: Don't be scared just say it. She's your best friend. You trust her.)

"What's up dude?" Pinoe asked.

Tobin looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear their conversation.  Especially Perry.

"I um…I was thinking about what we talked about yesterday."

"Oh…about you're ex being an idiot?" Pinoe laughed.

"Yea…sort of. Well she was stupid but that's not what I was talking about."

"Well spit it out then dude. Its cool." Pinoe said patting Tobin on the back.

"I was wondering if…you could…um…fuck this is harder to say than I thought. I'm a virgin and I want to experience that before I leave so…. you think maybe you could help me out with that?"

(Tobin's brain notes: Oh My God did you just say that Tobin? That sounded so fucking stupid and awkward!)

Pinoe's cheeks flared up to a light pink shade in a matter of seconds and she looked around before she spoke.

"You mean…you want to have sex…with me?" Pinoe was in disbelief. "Are you fucking with me Tobin? Don't fuck with me on this. This is not something to fuck around about dude."

"NO!" Tobin looked around paranoid again. "I'm not fucking with you. Keep your fucking voice down!  You are my friend and I'm comfortable with you and I trust you and I care about you. I want it to be you." Tobin whispered looking down at the ground with embarrassement. "No strings attached.  God I feel so fucking stupid.  Just never mind.  I seriously just have a feeling I might never get a chance to do anything like this before I deploy and ...." She softly added.

"Wow…its ok Tobin really sshhhh.....uh…sorry I'm just a little shocked right now. I'm very flattered. Of course I would love to but I want you to be sure that you are ready for that."

"I'm sure Pinoe. I thought about it all last night. I want this." Tobin said looking into Pinoe's eyes in an attempt to show her willingness.

"Ok." Pinoe took a deep breath and cleared her throat. Tobin had never seen her act this nervous.

(Tobin's brain notes: She looks so adorable when she lets her walls down.)

"I just have to ask you about one thing though…."

"No, don't ask me about her. She made her choice. I can't be intimate with someone that already has a girlfriend. I want it to mean something to who ever I'm intimate with. I know you care about me and I care about you and I know I can trust you to respect me and take care of me."

Tobin felt adrenaline begin to course through her veins. She kept thinking that she might be dreaming and that this whole scene was something being played out somewhere between her subconscious and the vault she had locked up somewhere in her brain where she kept all her bizarre dreams. But it was real. As real as the sweat dripping down her back and the nervous sound of Pinoe's voice.

"Uh…ok...When?"

"Tonight. Come at 10. My parents should be asleep. The front window to my house will be unlocked. I will let you in."

(Tobin's brain notes: This is really happening. I can't believe I'm going to have sex with my best friend. My very attractive best friend…but she still is my best friend.)

"Ok…wow, you really did think about it all last night. Even had it kinda planned out. Like I said I'm flattered. So...tonight then." Pinoe said, her voice still sounding dazed. "I'll…s see you tonight."

Tobin nodded and laughed a little at the look of utter shock on Pinoe's face before she walked off to her sisters waiting car.

*************************************************************

Tobin was preparing for the night, watching the minutes tick by and having a mental pep talk with herself. She was nervous but she knew anyone that was having sex for the first time would probably feel the same way too.

Oddly enough the fact that she was close to Pinoe was what kept putting her at ease. Pinoe knew all her secrets and her sexual history. They were attracted to each other and they cared about each other. They loved each other and Tobin began to feel better and better about it as night fell.

But all the confidence she had built disintegrated once Pinoe stepped through her bedroom window. Tobin had on a cut off and some boxer shorts. She stared at Pinoe for a while before doing or saying anything. Pinoe stared back.

"Hi." Pinoe said lightly. The nervous and vulnerable sound of Pinoe's voice flipped a switch inside Tobin and she quickly pulled the small scrap of a t-shirt off and threw it on the floor.

Pinoe's breath caught in her throat and then Tobin pushed down her boxers revealing her entire body.

"HI." Tobin whispered, her body slightly shivering in the cold night air.

Pinoe gave Tobin a once over and then spoke.

"Wow….." Pinoe softly exclaimed.

"Just shut up, you don't have to do that Megan." Tobin said laughing a little. "This is a done deal. You don't even have to compliment me like you do all the other girls you've slept with." Tobin said as she closed the short distance between herself and her long time friend and began kissing her lips slowly...tentatively. 

Pinoe ran her fingertips across Tobin's jaw line and continued the kiss from Tobin's lips to her neck and finally leaving one small kiss under her ear.

"It’s not like that Tobin. You are so beautiful. Like seriously…wow." Pinoe said looking right into Tobin’s eyes.

Pinoe was her friend and was not invested in anything else. She gave the compliment with the sole purpose of honestly giving a compliment. Tobin knew that Pinoe didn't have to pretend or give lip service.

In this moment, standing completely naked in front of her friend in the middle of her bedroom she felt more beautiful than she had ever felt before. More beautiful than she would ever feel again.

The feeling was immeasurable and arousing.  Tobin bit her lip and kissed her friend again this time a little more fervently.  Just as they began to really get into the kiss, Tobin felt the back of Pinoe's warm hand softly caress her stomach in one long and slow motion from just beneath her breasts all the way down to her waist.  Tobin's breath slightly caught in her throat but she didn't end the kiss.

When she felt that one warm hand travel from her waist line around to the back of her body meeting up with the other warm and rather aggressive hand so that her friend was grabbing a double hand full of her ass she nearly shrieked with surprise.  Tobin opened her eyes inhaling sharply and began laughing placing her hands on Pinoe's shoulders for balance.  She shook her head and gave Pinoe a pointed but playful look.

"Sorry, I just always wondered how that would feel."  Pinoe admitted sheepishly.  "Definitely way better than I imagined."

Tobin shook her head laughing a little more and went back in to continue.  Completely open, completely exposed and holding nothing back she surrendered herself to Megan. For one night, heart, body and mind.


End file.
